You Either ‘Get It’… or You Don’t.

Life is a never ending river flow. Sometimes the course can become dangerously erratic; Sometimes it’s filled with obstacles like rocks and fallen trees; Sometimes it reaches an ‘end’ with a really large drop, where it continues again.

Every time I watch this video, I get a new message out of it. Well more like the same message, but a different emphasis here and there… life doesn’t stop with your sorrows and it doesn’t care about your feelings, or what you think is “fair”. Obstacles are meant to be bypassed or broken, and you are meant to grow stronger through it all, and keep going.

I’ve had critics call me ‘phony’, based on my online persona. I see me more as ‘fluid’, and will change, adapt, and flow as the situation suits me. Maybe I feel differently about something as I did six months ago, maybe my perspective on a topic or a person has changed. It is the key to growth, survival, and longevity. I’m still who I am at the core, and those close enough to me can see that.

You may get a different message though. This was my interpretation.

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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How to Use RSS Feeds

EricBrooks.Com Tutorials
Ya know, for a supposed “Web Geek”, I can be pretty slow on the uptake sometimes. I have heard about “RSS Feeds” for years , but the way it’s been described, it just sounded like something only Techno-├ťberNerds would be interested in.

“You need a news aggregator, application, ping this, dilithium crystal flux capacitor… blah, blah, blah…”
*Yawn*…

Anyway, for us English-speaking folks that doesn’t have every episode of Star Trek memorized…
Recently, I have learned there are a whole lot of uses for everyone with RSS Feeds. Mainly, it can save you a lot of time and only visit a site when there’s something new and interesting. It’s great, especially if you are a very busy person, and/or or have blogging friends scattered everywhere.

So here is how to bookmark “Live Content”. You can not only do it with *my* RSS feeds, but any other sites that offers feeds as well.


STEP ONE: Go to the RSS Page…
EricBrooks.Com RSS Feed PageSubscribe to EricBrooks.Com via RSS Feeds
Click on any one of the feeds that may interest you…

Clicking on the EricBrooks.Com main RSS Page

You have the option to put them on your Google Page (or Google Reader), or MyYahoo, but what we want is to bookmark it in our browsers… Firefox appears to be the most popular browser these days, according to recent stats, so I will mainly focus on that in here..

Choose "View Feed XML" for Live Bookmarks


STEP TWO: Subscribe with “Live Bookmarks” (Firefox)…

  • With Chrome, add it to your Google Reader.
  • With Safari, click on the “RSS” button in the address bar, and then click on “Actions:” > “Add Bookmark” on the lower right side, and view in your toolbar.
  • With Internet Explorer, click on the RSS Icon EricBrooks.Com RSS Feed Page in the right side of your toolbar and subscribe, and then view it in your “Feeds” tab in “Favorites”… but does anyone even use IE anymore???

Keep it on the default “Live Bookmarks” and press the “Subscribe Now” button…

Keep it on the default "Live Bookmarks" and press the "Subscribe Now" button


STEP THREE: Find the feed in your bookmarks… In your Firefox Bookmarks (And you can save it anywhere in your bookmarks, actually. It’s best to keep all your favorite reads in one spot.), you’ll find a special icon for feeds, and in that, a full list of items…

You will now see the EricBrooks.Com site feed in your Bookmarks Toolbar

You can see by the icons what is fresh content or what you have visited already…

The icons will indicate what is "read" and "unread"

Like I said, you can not only do that with this site, but other sites you like that offer RSS Feeds. It’s the way the web is going now, with content and information flying shorter and faster.
Don’t forget to subscribe to my feeds, ok? ­čśë

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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MySpace Blogger Websites – In Case of Emergency

Welcome to the RMS Titanic MySpace.
As you can see, many MySpace bloggers have become disenchanted with the state of affairs here. It may be fixed. It may not. Many of your favorite bloggers have set up blogs elsewhere, and I recommend you to do the same.

Some tips to survive the impending MySpace implosion:
1. DO NOT LEAVE MYSPACE! How will people find you? Do you think I would be on MySpace if people surfed my website without someone telling them where to go?
2. Use the status stream to pimp out your blog.
3. Post a blog here with the comments off, and just a link to your offsite blog (a trick the old timers here did a lot).
4. Bookmark the following blogs listed below.
5. Or… follow them on your Yahoo and Google pages with Black Rose’s simple tutorial using their RSS feeds


If you have any new or updated ones, please Contact me here or via Twitter, MySpace or Facebook.


Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Happy to be Stuck with You


You know, I thought this was the stupidest song I ever heard when this came out.

“What the hell kind of thing is THAT to say to the woman you love?”

Of course this was the 21 year old “romantic 80’s Eric” talking. He thought a single stemmed rose and having “She Walks in Beauty” memorized and able to recite it on command was the ticket to a woman’s heart.

No wonder I spent so much time alone.
My hand and I sort of became an item, and went steady after a while.

It took a bit of life lessons to realize being a romantic and “any ol’ girl will do”, just isn’t the way.

(I laugh watching these “Hopeless Romantic” types leaving graphics to women all over the place here. It warms my heart to know there are men just a little more clueless than I am. These guys don’t love a woman. They’re just in love with LOVE. )

A woman wants to be seen for who she is. Loved for who she is. Sometimes even despite who she is…

You need to SEE her.
You need to notice the unique things that make her who she is… and love her for it.

I see so many relationships fail because of ones selfishness (I could
write a book on what NOT to do there!). Fear too. Fear breeds some of the
ugliest things out of human beings, and it wreaks havok on your love
live. Irrational jealousy, distrust, your overactive imagination running away with
you… add that with the selfishness of expecting someone to be more
than who they are, or what you thought they should be. Thinking of nothing but “what’s in it for me?”. Seeing what they do as some sort of reflection on you… well, you wont
last very long on that path.

Ever meet someone who got so ugly after all the flowery “I love you”s, to getting annoyed and angry because they expected something out of you or thinking they should get something out of it for what they’ve done from “the goodness of their hearts”, despite previously saying otherwise?

Did they really love that person…?
Or were they just “bartering” like it was some kind of business arrangement?

Love should come with no expectations. No strings attached. No scores being kept.

A heart can’t be bought, or earned, or seized. It can only be given. Love is all about giving. When you get it back, you are the luckiest bastard in the world.

A few things I’ve learned along the way these past 44 years.

Anyway, back to this stupid song…

Someone once said “Sorry, but you’re stuck with me”, and it took all of my worries and concerns of losing her right out of me. My ex used to say all the time “You’re like an old shoe, Eric. That’s why I keep you around. I’m comfortable with you.”

Consistency.
Security.
Stability.

Women want that too.

As the Lord of Chaos/God of Mischief… this has probably been my hardest lesson to learn to this date. I fear routine and boredom. I’m usually at my best when all hell is breaking loose. I’m not happy unless everything around me is going terribly wrong. I find comfort and order amidst the madness and mayhem. The joy in someone else’s pain and misery… turning negative energy into something positive. Count on me to fuck up or sabotage just about anything with my nihilistic mindset.

Fortunately there are other sides to me, and I can work on this.

We’ve had our doubts, but we never took them seriously
And we’ve had our ins and outs, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be
We thought about giving up, but we could never stay away
We thought about breaking up, but now we know it’s much too late
And it’s no great mystery
If we change our minds
Eventually, it’s back to you and me

~ “Stuck With You” – Huey Lewis & the News

This is love. This is the sum of all good relationships.
Ups and downs. Good times and bad times.
Partners in life going through all sorts of things and emerging stronger for it instead of giving up, and learning something new about one another. Closer than ever.

Being comfortable with each other. Stuck with each other.
And being happy they’re stuck with you, too.

I remember a friend commenting “I want a man I can feel comfortable peeing in front of.”

I volleyed back by stating that “being allowed to fart in front of someone is considered a milestone in my relationships.”

Sure, we grossed everyone else out… but we got it.

It took me a long time… but I finally get this one too.
I finally get this song and what it means too.
It’s the next step after the romance and the honeymoon phase.
It’s about being with someone and enjoying them.
Let go of the fears and doubts… You are with each other because you CHOOSE to be.

It’s that simple…

No long stemmed roses or Lord Byron necessary.

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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My Name is Eric, and I am a Problem Adult

This time, around five years ago (June, 2005), I saw the Web Blogosphere dying a slow, painful death and realized Web 2.0 was all headed toward Social Networking, so I got together with a bunch of like-minded individuals to save our Web Presence and came up with a Community called…

Problem Adults

And it was a WONDERLAND! We had an arcade, we had goofy adventures in the message board, newsfeeds, promoting each other, Saturday Night Chats, an AI Bot that greeted newcomers (and we all flirted and tried to corrupt her), fake celebrity profiles… anything went as our imaginations ran wild.

We had… FUN!

MySpace? Well that was for kids. My children had accounts here for years and I felt I was stepping on their toes and didn’t want to invade their territory (in fact, my then-13 year old daughter showed me how to make myspace layouts). But I saw celebrities with websites like Tommy Lee, Dave Navarro, and Bobbi Billard making the jump here and using this as a promotional tool… bringing themselves to the masses, and I thought “What the hell”.

Problem Adults invade MySpace

Anyway… this isn’t even the point.

Look, I know I’m a prick, okay? I know I have a mean streak a mile wide, and I tend to get into mischief (did I mention I’m a PROBLEM ADULT?). I’ve been reviled on the web, I’ve had my share of fuck-ups that people never let me live down for YEARS, I’ve been shunned, and insulted, and blacklisted by the BEST… there’s also a WHOLE OTHER side of me that somehow leaks through in all I do. A good side, a kind and compassionate side. I am a nice buncha guys… but I try to keep much of “me” hidden from public view.

GangstaSo, I guess I have a thicker skin than most of the so-called “hardcore e-thugs” here that can’t seem to get past someone here not liking them or poking at them. Much of what I see around here from the “Drama Club” is a bunch of whiny insecure crybabies pretending to be badasses, and I am baffled at some of the things that freak people out/sets them off that they have to go to the lengths that they do to defend their cyber honor.

You need to comment under someone in every status and every every blog to let them know you don’t like them? REALLY?

You need to make everyone around you uncomfortable because they are a friend of someone you don’t get along with and you fear betrayal? SERIOUSLY????

… and my personal favorite… (and the actual point, I know, I know…)

You are up in arms because someone you thought was your friend had some negative observation about you????

ROFL HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! ROFL

Do you even REALIZE how weak and insecure you look to the rest of us???

OK, listen Chuckles… here is how the REAL WORLD works.

We all form opinions about EVERYONE here. You get to know people. You like them, even though some things about them can grate on your nerves sometimes. No one is perfect, and they have many sides to them. Even some of the most LOATHSOME people I have “met” online, I can find something good to say about them if I try hard enough. There’s none of this “unconditional love”/”Say nothing but good about me” crap. Anyone looking for that is bound to be disappointed very soon (and you know you can’t do it either… ya just never got caught yet.). I watch idiots vouch for and defend people they barely know around here all the time… and they look like they are merely lying and covering for them, or a bunch of sniveling sycophants.

Normal, well-adjusted people don’t just stop liking someone or stop being their friend because of someone’s say-so or some dumb scandal… unless they are as misanthropic and paranoid as the retard that brought the drama out into the public.

And the people that save their negativity for when they no longer like the person? Well anyone with a brain is watching them going “Gee, I wonder what they REALLY think of ME?”.

And the people that can beam over you one minute and then rag on you like you are the biggest piece of shit the next…? Oh hell no! Do you really want to be involved with someone THAT freakin’ unstable???


I will admit, that in many arguments online, I see a lot of truth in what’s being said about someone… regardless of how much I like/dislike the parties involved. That’s not an “act of betrayal”… it’s just being realistic. Learn from it, take what you can out of it… stop fucking whining and acting like your dead cat was dug up and molested. If there’s no truth to it, and it’s THAT absurd, laugh it off. Most of us know bullshit just being said to rile someone up when we see it. Who gives a rat’s ass what a bunch of strangers has to say and think?

It seems like “Genuine and Sincere” is a codeword for “Someone who blows sunshine up my ass and tells me I’m wonderful”. And “Keeps it Real” is the polar opposite, “Someone who hates everyone with pure bile and negativity”.

Who the fuck wants to get close to people like that??? (Besides a Therapist?)

Guerrillero put it best the other night when he said “I like a whole bunch of you, but I wouldn’t invite you to my home“. That’s kind of how I feel about everyone too. I’m not looking to forge solid lifelong friendships on MySpace to fill some pathetic void in my real life… I’m here to be entertained and have some light hearted fun.

There is way more to all of us than meets the eye.

Let’s just keep it at a respectful distance and emotionally detached from now on, ok?

And if you have an issue or two with some of my behavior, well… I’m ok with that… and vice versa.

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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This Week on MySpace

In the event that some earth-shattering drama blog were to ever come out with some shocking revelation, hoping to sway public opinion against me, let me give you my response ahead of time…

Who Cares“Yeah? Aaaaaand….? WHO FUCKING CARES?”

I’m a mean spirited bastard. What’s the surprise here? The thing is, people will still love me more than you, trust me more than you, and I will still draw a crowd… AND you will STILL be a moron that is despised for good reason. So there.

Top Story:

JOKO’S BLOG DIDN’T RANK YESTERDAY

Schmeattle, WA (AP) – MySpamous Celebrity, Joko, was distraught yesterday as he checked MySpace Top Blogs section all day, hoping for news about his four page blog and it’s place in the rankings… only to find out MySpace was stuck on yesterday’s ranks all day long.

“I clicked the link over and over, I don’t understand,” he tells reporters as he begins frothing at the mouth. “I thought okay, maybe it will be up now, or maybe later, AND I KEPT GOING TO THE GODDAMNED PAGE AND THERE WAS NOTHING!”

“No *click* NO! *click* NOOOO! *click* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

His blog, titled “Why don’t you people comment my crappy videos any more? It’s Bad Lisa and Eric Brooks’ fault, isn’t it? *HIC*“, was expected to show up in the top ten, given the large volume of visitors and comments to see how Internet Royalty will react to his temper tantrum and gift of blaming others for just about everything wrong in his life.

When assured by the owner of his liquor store, as he commandeered his laptop, that perhaps it was just a glitch and it will be up tomorrow, Joko retorted: “DON’T YOU SEE? ALL OF MY COMMENTS WERE FROM 2 DAYS AGO! IT WONT RANK AS HIGH!!!! ARRRGHH!!! YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!!!!!”


JIM N.A.A. COMMITS MYSPACE SUICIDE; NO ONE NOTICES

East Bumfuck, N.C. (AP) – MySpace blogger Jim n.a.a., best known for deleting all members of MANtana and RSS off his friends list in outrage (but no one realized it), and writing blog after blog bitching about various MySpace personalities (that no one bothered to read), deleted his profile this week. We thought we should tell you since no one has asked about him, and this most likely went unnoticed in the blogging community.

NAA leader Hulia, flanked by top officials, Viriato, Guerrillero, and Mike, was quoted as saying: “We have been made blissfully unaware of this event and wish to extend our deepest apathy to the readers and fans of… wait. Who????”

No memorial has been planned for ol’ Melon Head as most of MySpace just carried on as though nothing happened and there’s no point in mentioning this any further.


SCIENTISTS MAY HAVE DISCOVERED OSHAY’S PENIS

Sacramento, CA (AP) – NANOLABS├é┬«, a micro technology research firm may have finally developed an electron microscope powerful enough to see Oshay “Pee Wee” Duke Jackson’s genitalia.

Richard Smalls, director of NANOLABS® research and development, demonstrated to a tiny member of reporters on hand.

“Waiiiit… there it is,” Smalls says as he focuses, “I think”.

“Nope, almost got it… wait… it’s. Hang on.”

“There it is! I see it! LOOK!”.

Hopes were dashed as it turned out to be a pencil waved in front of the lens as a prank by a colleague.

NANOLABS® CEO, Holden Littlewood, assures the public that they will not give up hope, and will continue their research.


ADVICE COLUMN “ASK ERIC”

I’m not sure why Harry Fox chose to delete my comment on his blog yesterday, but it is rare when I give any of my MANly wisdom or advice, so here it is again.
TAKE HEED, GENTLEMEN…

I’m a jerk. But you love me anyway. Admit it.

Wanna read my latest on MySpace?

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Christmas Magic

There is something people don’t understand about me, and they have to in order to truly know me.

    I NEED to believe.
    I NEED to see the world and all of its mysteries with a child-like awe and amazement.
    I NEED to believe all things are truly possible.
    I NEED to believe in magic and other unexplained forces at work without looking at it too close.

It is essential to my creative process and ability to tap into something deep inside me to make my own magic in all that I do. This is what works for me. I suspect it’s the same for many creative types.

——————————–
In the Summer, I find myself drawn to lightning storms and wander outside to face it unprotected.

I draw from the sheer power and rage of Mother Nature, making it my own. I know how She feels. It’s OUR fury She is acting out.

I don’t feel the cold rain, the howling winds, or even fear being struck… I let go and trust Her not to hurt me.

I just let go… AND BELIEVE.
At some points in my life, blind faith was all I had to go on….
———————————

“I hope you hear the music again this year, Eric…”

An email I get every year from a friend, and it brings a smile to my face. There’s a story behind it. There is a magic in the air this time of year that I have no desire to look too close at it. I just appreciate it. I shared the story on a message board and fully expected people to think I was insane. The response was surprising and unexpected…

On several Christmas Eves, in the middle of the night, I found myself wandering out to the middle of the streets. Much like I do during lightning storms. It’s as if I was being called, and my body had no choice but to obey.

There is no religious significance to it. The settings were just right. The stillness, the quiet, the lights, the starry skies and the snow all around me. The animals foraging for food in the woods quietly. The peaceful souls sleeping comfortably, the excitement and anticipation of dreaming children of what is about to come. The energy of all living things around me…

In the middle of the quiet road, I’d close my eyes and draw from it all… Opening myself. Connecting. Becoming one with everything. Becoming something larger than myself, or the world around me, even the universe surrounding it…

And then I’d hear it.

I’d hear the music that was calling for me.
Not quite human voices… it’s way too high pitched, possibly out of human frequency.
A beautiful melody that can’t be described with words or explain the joy and tranquility it gives you. The tears you formed from the beauty of it all…

You can’t experience these things unless you keep yourself open to them. This is why I NEED to believe.
———————————–
Anyway, one friend on that message board had to share this with me. She told her husband about my story, and he froze. He was a musician. A very spiritual man. Tears welled in his eyes.

He said “I’ve heard that music too. I thought I was the only one and was afraid to tell anyone thinking I was crazy”.

“I hope you hear the music again this year, Eric…”
Every year she drops me a note in my inbox to remind me.

I hope you all can hear that music at least once in your lives…
All the best to you and yours.

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Dropping an ANVIL on Andrew Mattock (while he’s still here)

UPDATE:
Andrew Mattock passed away in February 2013. Although we parted on friendly terms shortly before his passing, he was still a jerk to many people, and being terminally ill is STILL no excuse for bad manners.

Reading about Andrew Mattock’s plight with his liver has gotten me thinking about my own mortality. I have resolved that if my time on earth was suddenly cut short, I will do the following.

Eric's Bucket List

Apparently, Andrew and I differ in philosophies…

Poor Blandrew… I’ve seen bulletins here and there by well-meaning people serving as his enablers, and stating that people should “leave him alone” and he should have a “Free Pass” for all the things he does and says given his condition.

Well when you’re NOT the object of his wrath, verbal abuse, or threats… that’s pretty easy to say, isn’t it?

FUCK THAT. When you think about it, in the next decade or two, *MOST* of the people currently reading this blog will not be here. So looking at the big picture, aren’t we ALL in the same boat? Doesn’t that give us ALL the right to be manipulative & verbally abusive pricks too?

You heard it from the horse's mouth, folksNope.
In fact… is there ANY valid excuse to treat people like he does online?

Most of us get online to escape our troubles and have fun, not to have someone bring their crap here and expect us all to stop what we’re doing and care, or be dumped on because they think they’re the only ones with problems.

Don’t get me wrong, I do care about people. But that’s reserved for a select few here. But for Sir Ossis of D’Liver here, and any other Sickly Sues or Johnny Come Latelys… please tell us why you’re so darned special and your troubles are somehow more important than our own and those we care for?

*crickets*

Thought so.

Sorry, but I think his “failing liver” story is bullshit.
I don’t need proof or evidence. It’s my opinion and I have every right to it. It’s just part of his manipulation of vulnerable women and his excuse to be a verbally abusive dipshit and get away with it.

The only way to prove me wrong is for Androol to kick the bucket, and then I will put out a bulletin saying “I guess I was wrong. OOPS!”, and get on with my life.

No, I can’t be nice to him. He gives me the creeps.

HAHA! Did this guy just issue a rape threat on the internet? WHOAH, not without buying me dinner first, buddy!
[Sir AnBlew is getting crazier by the second!]

There’s way to much to get into so let me just borrow my comment from TOY’s blog about this pigfucker…
——————————————————

You, my friend, take the cake for being the sorriest excuse for a “man” that MySpace has seen yet (and we have seen many pathetic men here!). Your blogs are filled with self-serving bullshit to try and convince people you are someone you’re not, and the fact that you need to post every single private correspondence that comes your way… just proves you’re a douchebag.

Here’s what we all get out of your blogs:

  1. You are self-loathing and insecure.
  2. You project your many, MANY flaws into others, and it looks like you are screaming at your own shadow most of the time. Only your fake profiles agree with you.
  3. Your contempt for women is clear as day, and you have all the earmarks of a self-loathing closet case.
  4. You feel threatened by me… and you think knocking me down will make you “king of the mountain” here. (HAHA! You can have it bud. I’m nobody special or important here. You care more about popularity than I ever did.)
  5. You’re another one of those over-50 y/o “man-children” that run loose on myspace and think you have some sense of entitlement which is typical of your “me generation”. Your kind cause everyone headaches and get blocked by everyone who can’t take your bullshit anymore.
  6. When you can’t have someone/something you want… you try to destroy it so no one else can have it. Real mature there, bud.
  7. You have SERIOUSLY underestimated some of the people you’ve targeted here.
  8. You are scared and alone. And we can see right through your false bravado.

You feel betrayed now? Wait till you find out you are just a pawn in a larger game and the people supplying you with info and support show you just how disposable you are once you’ve been proven of no use.

Hear that, Andrew?
It’s the sound of hundreds of people LAUGHING AT YOU. ­čśÇ

Yeah I know this one looks a little mean to people unaware of what’s going on… but if see his cruel comments all over the place, or talk to people who have gotten threatening emails by him, or spooked enough to take a break: They’d tell you I went easy on this PSYCHOPATH. He needs to be avoided.

[BLOCK Andrew M by clicking HERE]
(Link disabled since none of this exists on MySpace anymore)

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Got low self esteem? Don’t date ugly chicks (and other male survival tips)

WTF Radio has issued a blog challenge: Blog about men vs. Women, Relationships, or Hormones.

You may find this hard to believe, but I… Eric Brooks; CyberGod and Web Pioneer, happen to suffer from *VERY* low self esteem issues. (NAW, REALLY?)

It’s true. Despite the facade and the smooth online persona, I generally think I’m lower than dirt, uglier than sin, and have absolutely nothing to offer. Especially when it comes to women and the dating field.

Most of my life, I’ve shot pretty low. I’ve had friends ridicule me mercilessly over girls I’ve dated… asking me if I “felt sorry for them”. I don’t take compliments well, and for anyone to say I was good looking, I didn’t believe them. I just personally don’t see it.

So being the insecure, loser that I am… I reasoned in my head that unattractive girls were a safe bet. The uglier and fatter, the better! No one will want her and I will have her all to myself.

BZZZZZT! Big mistake.

See here’s why.
Attractive girls are hit on constantly. They are complimented, and flirted with all day/every day, by every sleazeball imaginable. Some of it makes them smile and gives them an ego boost. Some of it makes them want to go home and take a long, hot shower with lye (although it’s still flattering).

They’re used to it. They know this attraction to them is for nothing more than having a pretty face and a hot body. If they have a confident man in Love with them at home that sees so much more to her than just her appearance, then their guy has nothing to worry about.

In fact…
Attractive Woman + Ego Boost = YOU’RE GETTING LUCKY TONIGHT!!!

Now Plain Janes and Porkettes? Well they don’t have the benefit of that kind of experience, do they? A flirt every 17 months is like like handing a starving girl a piece of cake…


OM NOM NOM NOM!

It will go right to her head and she will want to reward this guy with sex immediately for being the only other guy on the planet that knows she’s alive…

Unattractive Woman + Ego Boost = HEARTBREAK!!!

And if you think your self esteem was low before? Well, imagine dealing with the knowledge your girl just cheated on you some Skeevoid who makes Larry the Cable Guy look like Fabio! ­čÖü

Had I known this years ago… I would have been much more of a shallow bastard and felt better about myself. I have been crippled over and over. A pretty girl will never break your heart.

Don’t give Ugly Women a Chance to Hurt You!!!! They LIVE for it!!!!

———————————————

Men vs. Women – Dialogue
Now, it’s not that I don’t like women. Frankly I just don’t understand them. Everything is a loaded question. We need to take an extra half hour to answer even the most basic remark, because frankly, we’re not quite sure what she is REALLY trying to say.

For example, a man says “I’m hungry“… well that means he’s hungry. Simple, right?

A woman asking “How was your day?” can mean anything from “Did you even TRY to look for a job today, ASSHOLE?” to “You were banging that redhead with the huge tits on your lunch break again, weren’t you, YOU CHEATING BASTARD!!!”

*facepalm*
———————————————

The Myth of the Toilet Seat – Now I have seen this many times in “man bashing” blogs, and it gives me a laugh every time.

Think about it. How many times have you heard of a bunch of guys living together and one of them falling through the toilet because the seat was left up?

Never.

Why? Because men DO put the toilet seat down. There is a 50% chance that we will need the seat down too. It is a myth.

We do this to be spiteful. We get our shots in where we can. ­čśÇ

Next time you find your butt splashing around in ice cold water, ladies… ask yourself the following questions:
– “Did I burn the roast again?”
– “Did I give him yet another lame excuse to get out of having sex with him?”
– “Did I do that ‘How was your day?’ trick on him again?”

Doesn’t seem like much of a coincidence now, does it?

———————————————
Arguing with a woman – Oh Jesus, haven’t you learned yet??? Here. I have prepared a simple graphic:

Yep. It’s just like blowjobs. Enjoy them while you’re dating, fellas…
… because after she says “I DO”… SHE WONT! Trust me on this.

If a man is alone in the woods, and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong? (George Carlin)

Comments are set to go through ONLY if you are very attractive.

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Switzerland hates me? Oh that’s just GREAT!

Imagine waking up and finding out a whole country hates you…

Welcome to my world. I mean, I’m used to whole social networking sites deciding I’m a jerk (and yeah, I ask for it most of the time), but a whole country?

I wake up one morning and take a harmless Facebook Quiz (which are ALWAYS 100% accurate) to get this result:

Well screw me sideways! Are you kidding me?

*sigh* As an American, you’d think I’d be used to this. Ever since the internet age, I’ve been constantly bombarded with messages by nasty foreigners who can’t stand us. Let’s face it… YES, we (Americans) are loud and obnoxious… and we LOVE a good war! Especially the ones where we’ll kick your 3rd world ass in 5 days or less.

Most of these countries are just asking for it… and their only saving grace is we can’t find most of them on the map yet… so keep running your mouths, ok?

Now I haven’t contacted the State Department over this insult (YET!!!). After seeing that the Swiss are basically armed with…


OK… the corkscrew part does scare me a little bit…

… I’m pretty sure I can take this country over with my daughter’s Brownie troop.

Why hasn’t anyone else ever thought of taking over Switzerland and giving them a swift kick in their Liederhosen? Bastards.

I found this while researching my new enemies….

I can’t believe they needed to post some disclaimer “Please note that this is a comedy sketch, the KitH are not really sick of the Swiss.”, are these people THAT whiny? That didn’t stop the FLOOD of anti-American rhetoric in the comments.

Funny thing is… the Kids in the Hall were CANADIAN.

Yeah, we’re used to that too. Canada is like the 12 year old kid living in the floor above you starting shit by throwing water balloons out the window, but the soaking-wet & angry people come to US on the first floor because they’re just too pissed off and lazy to think.

(This, of course, makes Central & South America as living in our basement. A very crowded basement… filled with every Hispanic stereotype and joke you can come up with in the comments… but I digress…)

I’m currently searching for Switzerland on Google Maps, scanning through Southeast Asia trying to get a lock on them. And when I do…YOUR ASS IS MINE, SWITZERLAND!


Made by the One and Only Smart Ass Blog Kamikaze… who is back, bitchez!

BONUS: Challenge by C.C.

(Sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things”)

Chocolates, and Zurich, and fake Rolex watches…
I wanna kick all the Swiss in their crotches…

Swiss Miss can play with Geko’s ding-a-ling…
These are a few of my least favorite things…

Aren’t they supposed to be a ‘Neutral’ Country?
What is their PROBLEM with me????

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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10 Tips to Become a Blogging Superstar on MySpace

How to become a Blogging Superstar

Some of you may remember this blog as the first time you’ve ever heard of me… because HOLY SHIT, DID THIS START SOME DRAMA! People weren’t used to me and how tongue-in-cheek I was through most of this, and I forgot that blogging is SERIOUS BUSINESS on MySpace. This time around I will keep it short, to the point, and as humor-free as possible.
————————————————-

I’ve been blogging since 1998 (that’s right, a year before Blogger came out), I’ve been on MySpace since 2006. I watched and studied the most successful bloggers here, saw what works, and brought a few tricks of my own…

TIP #1 – READ & COMMENT OTHER BLOGS
First and most important. Most of your readers are bloggers themselves. This is how people will hear about you and you make your presence known. I can’t tell you how many bloggers I’ve gotten into after I was impressed by their comment in a blog somewhere. Blogging is a community where we all support each other. If you comment someone’s blog, they will most likely come visit yours. You need to build readership… and the best way to GET readers, is to BECOME a reader. (Kind of like the old adage “If you want a friend, then you have to BE a friend”. Makes perfect sense when you think about it.)

TIP #2 – END YOUR BLOG WITH QUESTIONS
This will start discussion. Blogs ending with questions will be more likely to have comments. A sad fact is, most of your readers will skim through your blog and not read it fully. They also might not feel comfortable “flying blind” and feeling foolish with a comment if they didn’t get it… so why not guide them a little bit?

TIP #3 – KEEP IT SHORT AND SIMPLE
We have a rule on the web. The rule of KISS (“Keep It Simple, Stupid”). So many bloggers think they’re the next Hemingway and then get frustrated at the lack of responses. But with all the blogs we have out there to read, do you honestly think people have the TIME to read your epic “War & Peace” novel in a medium where reading comprehension off a computer screen is significantly lower than what you’d get off a printed book or magazine? COME ON! Do you find people commenting a lot about the first or last paragraph they read? Then your blog is WAY too long. Get to the point!

TIP #4 – SUBSCRIBE TO ME LINK
Friends have pimped out your blog, people loved it. That’s the easy part, but how do you keep them coming back for more? Make them subscribe.

Sure you have the “subscribe” link up top… but they just scrolled all the way down. What better place to hit them with it than right at the end? A nice graphic to remind them: “SUBSCRIBE TO ME NOW!”. Make it easy on them.

TIP #5 – ANSWER ALL YOUR BLOG COMMENTS
You know what’s even better than comments? MORE COMMENTS! It also adds to your page views and overall ranking if your readers come back to read your response. Something witty or showing a genuine interest in them and what they have to say will work best. They will most likely comment more, particularly if you end the comment with a question (see TIP #2). One of the biggest turn-offs here is when a reader feels they’ve been ignored.

TIP #6 – FRIEND REQUEST YOUR READERS
Now with the “Activity Stream” we have here, I’m finding myself using that to read the latest blogs. I’m using it a lot more than even the “New Blog Posts” section (You post-daters have pretty much ruined that. Thanks a lot). Put in a friend request, leave a note thanking them for reading your blog. They will now be notified you have a new blog post right on their front page.

TIP #7 – BLOGDICKING (or “BLOG SKIPPING” for the “Rated G” crowd)
You have left the most thought-provocative comment ever on a very popular blog… but guess what? Who is going to read it on page 5?

“Blogdicking” is basically skipping the line and commenting under the very first comment, so there you are on page one for everyone to see. Some bloggers think it’s rude, but I personally think it keeps your blog looking fresh and helps the author find your comment so much easier.

Blogdicking Banner

Having a banner as your very first comment (because face it… “Firsters” are annoying) also makes things easier and doesn’t break up the conversation. But be fast… those sucky “firsters” are like vultures!

TIP #8 – BLOG RANKING
First thing I need to stress is that this is not the “end all be all” of blogging. People get obsessed over this as if Tom is going to send you a paycheck. But you know what? Having a blog rank nicely is a rewarding feeling too. It’s based on page views + comments + kudos.

Other factors include the time you post (best is between 4:30 AM – 10:00 AM Eastern time). You get the maximum amount of exposure as it’s all tallied up in a 24 hour period… as well as the category you post in.

The number ones in each category are lined up first in the Overall rankings, followed by the #2’s, 3’s, etc. Try and avoid “high traffic” categories like “News & Politics” or “Writing and Poetry”. You’d be amazed at how well you’ll rank in “Games” or “Automotive”, let me tell you.

TIP #9 – AUTOREFRESHING
Personally I’d prefer to just leave legitimate tips, because no one likes a cheater. But would I be your buddy if I left you with an incomplete education? I wont tell you where to find an auto refresher (because MySpace tends to delete those blogs), but you can easily Google it. Autorefreshing is how a great many of the “Top Bloggers” would rank by basically inflating their page views (And not ALL high ranking bloggers do this either). It’s cheating. But I’d be a hypocrite and a liar if I acted like I’ve never done it myself. Here’s my tip though:

Most people here can spot the cheaters. For starters, it is nearly impossible to have every one of your blogs rank consistently high, and a blog with less than 5 pages of comments is SURELY going to raise some eyebrows. Nothing will get your sorry ass beaten down here faster than lying about it and pretending you’ve done it fair and square. So if you’re gonna cheat… at least be a smartass about it.

TIP #10 – PIMP OUT AND GET PIMPED
Blogging is basically spread through word-of-mouth. Getting in the Top Blogs page will only get you a few new walk-ins at best (most people don’t even bother looking at it). Now, when I see in a blog I like that they’re raving about another blogger… or bulletins recommending you check out a certain blog? THAT gets my attention. It will on most people. Pimp out blogs you think are worth reading. More than likely people will return the favor.

WARNING: Do not ask/force people to pimp you out though. Nobody likes that, and people don’t want their credibility ruined… especially if it’s a crappy blog to begin with (which, sadly, most of these people who try to force their blogs on others to pimp out usually tend to write).

Was this tutorial helpful?
Do you have any other tips for bloggers to become more successful here?
Do I look fat in these jeans?

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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The Girl in the Painting…

I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since I made these demos. (Yeah I know it’s not studio quality… what part of “DEMO” didn’t you get?)

Athena – Eric Brooks

Let be give you the background story on this song…

A long time ago there was this three year old boy. He was an only child, and he had a very powerful imagination.

His first “girlfriend” was one of those “Big Eye” paintings that were popular in the 60’s and 70’s. He was totally smitten with her and her big blue eyes.

He looked forward to seeing her everyday, as they went to some far off place in his imagination. She was a little weird and funny and had a way of cheering him up when he was down.

I’m sure in Jungian terms, the boy tapped into his own anima and projected it into her, just as Pygmalion did with Galatea.

The painting eventually disappeared… but she lived in his heart and haunted him with those gorgeous eyes his whole life.

Athena, I swear I’m lost without you…
You’re the Angel of my dreams.
But you left me, went back to your world far away…

In his teen years, no girl ever matched up to his “dream girl” (and we ALL know how that “marriage” thing worked, right?). He kind of had it in his head that she was real and out there somehow… he’d know it by looking into her eyes. She was his Muse. His “Immortal Beloved”.

After buying a Charvel Jackson Randy Rhodes guitar when he was 18… his dream girl had a new name: RANDI ATHENAS.

She’s changed forms over the years, but there was always those eyes. Those eyes and that zany personality. Still head over heels in Love with her, and seen little bits of her in every woman I’ve ever loved. It’s what drives me and haunts me at the same time.

Lonely nights, and it just ain’t right.
I’m lost inside.
Though I feel in the starlight, you’re still watching me…

… it’s the price that you pay, when you’re in Love with a fantasy….

Did you have a Dream Girl/Guy?
Did you ever find them?
Am I crazier than you originally thought?

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Eric’s Guide to the Bible

After nearly being hit by lightning yesterday (4th time in my life, I might add), I thought “Why hasn’t anyone ever written a drama blog about God and FINALLY put that careless egomaniac in His/Her place?”

Well, *I’M* gonna be the one to do it. I AM PISSED! And I am soooo sick of that Human Evolution guy on the front page every day for the past year. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Eric's Guide to the Bible

I have read The Holy Bible many, many times. All but one chapter. You see, they have a word for people that have read the entire Bible: They’re called Atheists.
And I need to believe in order to keep my creative spark.

I have to agree with Ace Tyler, religion needs a makeover. I’ve sold Santa and the the Tooth Fairy to my kids with little or no effort… because, face it: When money or gifts are involved, WE’LL BELIEVE IN ANYTHING! (This is not a jab at my new Nigerian friend I’ve been talking to in emails lately. He has my bank account information now, I don’t want to scare him off.)

SMITEDOWN!ETERNAL LIFE? Well that’s cool, but what’s in it for us NOW? We are in a day and age of instant gratification. Getting a tote bag from the 700 Club after a $500 donation isn’t exactly what I had in mind. Why can’t we fling lighting bolts too? I’d LOVE to take out a few assholes like He keeps trying to do to ME! Wouldn’t you?

Have you READ the Old Testament? Are you SURE you want to spend all Eternity with THAT guy? He hates everyone… including the Jews! One minute, they’re His Chosen People, and the next you have the Holocaust. WTF?

And what a DRAMA QUEEN! I thought for a while maybe God is a woman, this Yahweh person sure is moody and vindictive enough to be one. I mean a male God would have just dropped a mountain on Sodom and Gomorrah and be done with it… instead we have this whole theatrical firebombing (which is where the term “flamers” comes from in the Gay community, btw), and turning people into pillars of salt just because Lot’s wife went “Oh shit, I think I left the iron plugged in!” and looked back.

But alas… there were no plagues involving painful or itchy testicles (which would DEFINITELY be the mark of a female God) … so I guess God is a man after all. One REALLY moody and pissed off guy at that!

Pull My Finger!“FOR I, THE LORD THY GOD AM A JEALOUS GOD…”
DUDE! You made the Universe in 7 days, what have you got to prove here? A couple of sheep herders worship a golden calf, and you go off on them like a Top Blogger reading a bad comment!

The Book of Job, that poor sap! I am pretty sure this was just meant to be a fable to explain why horrible things happen to good people. You know Job’s kids & his wife murdered, his home destroyed, his cattle all wiped out… then to be homeless and covered in painful boils. Hey, it happens to all of us sometimes. Then to read behind the scenes God and Satan are sitting there going “Hey, let’s fuck with this guy some more…”.

Good and Evil joining forces just to put the screws on some guy just for shits and giggles. That’s comforting!

Religion v 2.0 – Enter the Jesus
Like most all-powerful, yet painfully insecure thin-skinned deities, I’m sure God was paying close attention to polls and watching his popularity dropping at an alarming rate. He assembles a heavenly research & development team to find out why people aren’t loving Him and being scared shitless at the same time:

“While most people find plagues of locusts and fire in the sky to be really cool to watch, no one seems to like it happening to them. And that ‘killing your first-born’ stuff? People tend to look down on that….”

Bible v 2.0 - Enter the JesusTime for a kinder, more gentler approach…

Now I don’t care what anyone says: JESUS WAS FREAKIN COOL! I mean, anyone that can turn water into wine was bound to be a hit at parties, right? Being blond haired and blue eyed also made him stand out in a crowd of Middle Easterners. Jesus was special and everyone knew it.

He hung out with tax collectors, revolutionaries, attractive, promiscuous women he saved from stonings, opened up a can of whoopass on the moneychangers at the Shaolin Temple, he was like a cross between Criss Angel and Nikki Sixx.

But his message was one of love and peace, and some of the people used to God smiting them for wearing white after Labor Day was just too old skewl for his message and decided he had to go.

He didn’t set out to start his own religion, going to the Gentiles was “Plan B”. As his Apostles preached with “Oh yeah, speaking of the Messiah, you know that guy that got crucified two weeks ago…?”

Well, no one likes to be told “I told you so”, do they?

His message of hope and love was spread throughout the world in the form of Crusades and Inquisitions, and then later by Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.

It’s been almost 2,000 years since he promised he’d return.
I’m starting to think we’ve been punk’d here…

Who does this God think He IS anyway?

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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I like pie better than Cakes anyway…

We realize most dramas are very hard to follow, and the recent feud between WTF Radio and myself has been no different.

It basically breaks down to the same thing in every long drama that no one really cares about. You have a misunderstanding, a heated argument, escalation, and then tit for tat until someone finally yells “WHO CARES ALREADY!!!”.

So, to make this all simple for everyone, I have decided to break it down in cartoon form. Bear in mind, like all blogs, this is MY side of the story (a/k/a “The GOSPEL TRUTH”). Whatever they’re going to say is not true. Don’t even read them!








This was my proposed “fix” for the situation. Here would have been the part where I would suggest a contest where everyone writes a funny ending to this drama, and we’d all have a good laugh and realize how absolutely stupid this whole thing was, and WTF Radio would be bigger than ever.

Jim and I are good buddies again and I wish him good luck as he re-groups and takes his time to set his show back up.

WTF RadioUPDATED 5/13: I had no idea WTF Radio was going to be up and running this fast… please join Jim and whoever his co-host will be every Monday Night on BlogTalkRadio!!!!

I mean COME ON! Jim, Cookie, S*U*S*A*N*, Bad Lisa, myself, and so many others were using Jack in the Box defaults through this… YOU tell ME how seriously we were all taking this???

So let’s get to THE REAL ISSUE that you all want to talk about…

Why wont they let me in the Top Bloggers Club here so I can be a Top Blogger too?
WHY??!?!!!?

Subscribe to my MySpace blog

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Sometimes criticism is good for you, you know…

I can’t believe I have to even say that! But looking around at the state of the Human Condition… I suppose I have to.

Criticism doesn’t necessarily *HAVE* to be nice to be constructive.

In whatever people chose to do on the web, whether it’s to write, be an artist, create content, sell a product or service… it is a continual struggle to perfect your craft. Or at least it should be. This is how you become really good at what you do.

I was watching a local show the other day where a panel of web gurus were on and the topic was “What do you do to control the negative opinions of the public on your website?

Webmaster: “You set guidelines early on as to what is acceptable on your site and warn people that unacceptable comments and behavior will lead to removal and/or expulsion”.

Internet Lawyer: “You don’t want to stifle free speech on your site. This will make your site look too ‘controlled’ and ‘phony’ and you run the risk of losing all your visitors.”

Marketing/Consultant: “You hide nothing! You take whatever negativity you get and turn it into a strength. Be honest about your flaws and respond back kindly and professionally. Most of the time, these critics feel they are screaming into a vacuum, and when you respond, they come back shocked with ‘Wow, I didn’t realize anyone even reads this… I’m sorry for being so harsh’, and you are on your way to converting a new loyal customer.”
———————————-

Needless to say, I was most impressed with the Marketing Guru’s answers. The public can spot a phony a mile away… especially on the web. Why attempt to control the uncontrollable, when you can accept that you now have the god-like gift of being everywhere and seeing people’s innermost thoughts?

He’s 100% right too. And this doesn’t just apply to a political/e-commerce site, this applies to any blog/website where the owner/author is seen as “Larger than Life”, and the commenter doesn’t realize that the owner puts on their pants one leg at a time just like everyone else.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Let me offer a few examples…

(*Screen gets all squiggly as you go back in time*)

I sat in several business meetings at a company where I managed their websites. They had me run a survey, and reviewing the results they felt they got nothing out of it… they called on two more surveys from outside sources after that…

… still nothing!
……….. or was there…?

I got everything I needed to know from the first survey. The public was trying to tell them that certain days the newspaper was worth buying (circulars, weekend guides, coupons), and certain days they weren’t… and certainly not worth paying a full subscription for that. The next two surveys said the same exact thing…

Why did they feel they didn’t get any useful answers?
They weren’t listening. They only heard what they wanted to hear. They were looking for praise on certain products and how to build on that, instead of working on their weaknesses… they were given a goldmine of information, but missed it because they were looking for diamonds instead.

The Corporate mind… UGH.
And you wonder why the public is disgusted at the thought of bailing incompetent companies out?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Here’s another one…
(*Squiggles again, you know the drill*)
I got this Guestbook entry about a year ago….

Joe Blow says:
I really don’t see any point in this website. It’s outdated for one thing and hard to navigate. but what do I know. I’m Joe Blow.

OUCH! Yeah that stung for a little bit.
Now can you imagine the reactions of some bloggers here getting this? I can. And it would go something like this…

Blogger#1: “Oh you’re just jealous because I am soooooo popular! HMPH!”
Blogger#2: “Oh that’s it! IT IS ON!” *Writes a Drama Blog for all the loyal readers to tear that person apart and blow sunshine up the author’s keyster*
Blogger #3: “OMG! No one should see this!!!” *DELETE!*
Blogger#4: “Well since you can’t say it under your real name, I don’t see any reason why I should even care about your opinion!”

What did I do?
I listened… this person just gave me VALUABLE information, and whatever their motivation behind it really was, it meant more to me than the pages of “Wow! Great site!” comments I received before and after it.

    It told me:

  1. The site needs to be updated more often.
  2. A new design that is more up with the current look is in order.
  3. The navigation needs to be simplified.

And I like to think with my new redesign, I addressed those issues. It needs more work, and I have a big long “To Do” List, but at any rate, I want EricBrooks.Com to be the best it can be….

This doesn’t just apply to the web, it goes with real life as well. Sometimes your harshest critics can hand you valuable information to better yourself and improve your craft. Stop taking things so personal. READ! LISTEN! SHUT UP!

Think of the old prospectors during the gold rush… how many tons of dirt and mud they sifted through, and every so often, they found a gold nugget in there?

Why do YOU think you have two eyes, two ears and only ONE mouth?

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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How To Resize Blog Comments on MySpace

So you’ve written this great blog, so careful to make sure nothing stretched your screen in your post…. so meticulous, as you want to make sure everyone can digest what you’re trying to say without side scrolling….

Suddenly some HTML-Challenged putz leaves a graphic from Photobucket in your comments that should be used as desktop wallpaper!!! ARRRRRRGH!

Don’t you hate when that happens?
No worries, we’re about to fix that.



HOW TO AUTOMATICALLY RESIZE THE GRAPHICS IN YOUR BLOG COMMENTS

************ UPDATED 03/23/09 ****** NEW CODE BELOW *******

– Go to Customize Blog in your blog control panel.
– Paste the following CSS code in your “Your own Additional Style Sheet” box:

td.blogComments {font-size: 13px; width:499px; max-width:550px; width:auto; height:auto; overflow:hidden;}
td.blogComments img {width:499px; max-width:550px; width:auto; height:auto;}
td.blogComments object {width:549px; height:450px; max-width:550px;}
td.blogComments embed {width:549px; height:450px; max-width:550px;}
*html .main .blogComments td.blogComments  {width:450px; height:auto; overflow:hidden}

What that code does is tell the browser that any picture or video over 550 pixels wide is going to be shrunk to that size (with the height automatically proportioned….)

There’s only ONE itty bitty problem. This code will work on every browser except Internet Explorer (you know the one that 47% of your readers are using?). Works like a charm on Firefox, Safari, Netscape, Chrome and Flock though.

Why people still use Internet Explorer… I have no idea. It doesn’t recognize the “max-width” attribute, which is the key to this whole trick. Mozilla-based browsers smoked I.E. in the “Browser Wars” years ago. You can also use JavaScript to make it work in I.E., but that’s a major “no-no” on MySpace.

The best you can do here is cut off anything longer than 550 px; from the screen in I.E…

I don’t care what the blog looks like in Internet Explorer, anyway. I use Firefox.

Download Firefox 3 – The Best browser out there…

Download Firefox

Or….
Download Flock (The Social Browser)
Download Google Chrome
Download Apple Safari
Download Opera (Thx, Jared)

REMEMBER: Friends don’t let friends use Internet Exploder!!!!


Try and stretch out my MySpace blog with a graphic, video, or text… I DARE YA!

Subscribe to my MySpace Blog!

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Eric’s Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

I really don’t bother with politics.

Not that I don’t have opinions, not that I don’t know what’s going on…

But what is the point of making half my friends uncomfortable, polarizing everyone, and causing hard feelings everywhere…?
ESPECIALLY IF THESE TWO BOZOS AREN’T PAYING ME TO DO IT?

McCain? Obama?
Last chance to have me in your pocket as a secret weapon…?
*checks mailbox*
*watches a tumbleweed roll out*

Very well… I’ll just do this as my patriotic duty to inform and tell everyone who I feel is BEST suited to run this country for the next 4-8 years.

I’ll lose some friends over this, but I’m prepared to handle whatever happens.

And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!


MEET THE CANDIDATES WE’RE STUCK WITH
Barack ObamaBarack “Derka Derka Mohammed Jihad” Obama (Douche)
He wants change (yeah, we’ve never heard THAT ONE before!). Believes peace and prosperity will come by awakening as a muslim sleeper agent, befriending all of the designated Terrorist states and letting Iran take us over, despite the fact that they couldn’t win an 8 year war with Iraq, whose ass we kicked twice in less than 2 weeks both times. “Peace will come when we rid the world of Racism and Jews…”

John McCainJohn “Sleepy Grampa” McCain (Turd Sandwich)
Like all Republicans, he likes to claim Ronald Reagan’s legacy. Unfortunately, the legacy he claims is severe old age and senility. His answer to every problem comes in the tune of a Beach Boy parody. When asked about the North Korean crisis he sang “And he’ll have fun, fun, fun till we blow his slanted gook ass away…”

Weaknesses of the Candidates:
With Obama, besides the obvious fear that he might enslave the entire White race as payback for Slavery, his lack of experience is cited. This of course comes from the same people that thought it was just fine to trust George W. Bush with the big red button. Most companies wouldn’t trust Dubya with a stapler.

With McCain, he can’t seem to make up his mind if he wants to be seen as a “Maverick,” and keep saying “I’m not Bush”, or will continue the same policies that have us on the verge of another Great Depression. He feels anyone a shade darker than an albino may be a threat to National Security, and is willing to stay in Iraq and make those fuckers like us for bombing the shit out of them if it takes 100 years. Sure he led an impressive career in the past 350 years, but if a horse his age considered themselves a “Maverick”… we’d just tell them what they wanted to hear on the way to the glue factory.

The issues:
Much of this election focused on the STUPIDEST issues possible. From flag pins, to McCain not being able to use a computer (thereby INCAPABLE of falling for Nigerian Email scams that can throw us deeper in debt), to how McCain spent his youth proudly serving his country in World War I to how Obama spent it as a backup singer for Earth Wind and Fire (I think?)….

I suppose the joint message they’re trying to say is “Look, we can’t possibly fuck this country up worse than Bush already did, right? Come on, vote for me. What have you got to lose???”

Vice Presidents:
What curious choices they made. McCain took a break from making “Rape Jokes” and calling chicks “BROADS” to pick a woman, while Obama picked Joe Biden. Do you suppose Barack Obama just couldn’t get enough of FOX News constantly associating “Obama” with “Osama” and wanted a running mate whose name together looked like “Osama bin Laden” on lawn signs if you drive by fast enough?

Bad enough he and Biden had that awkward moment where he praised Obama for being “well spoken” and people took it as a slam against the “Hooked on Ebonics” program that’s so popular in the inner cities. Then Biden made it worse by explaining with “Hey the guy is a GREAT public speaker! I’m just calling a spade a spade here. What IS IT with you people?”

Ouch.

Of COURSE Sarah Palin was chosen for her experience as Governor of Alaska (OBVIOUSLY the Queen of Timbuktu and the Mayor of East Bumfuck wasn’t available to show everyone how out of touch the McCain campaign is)… and not as some hot babe. I mean you WONT read blog after blog of right wing pundits who post pics of her legs and beauty pageant pics from the 80’s. And you CERTAINLY wont find her pics all over the place when googling for “sexy librarian”….


Now I’m not gonna lie, like most red-blooded American males I saw Sarah Palin and thought DAYUM BAY-BEE!!!! (No really, despite my flair for drama, I really AM a straight guy). I wouldn’t mind seeing her on tv all the time. YUM!

But have we REALLY thought this all the way through?

I mean except for misspelling “potato”, claiming they’ve invented the internet, or shooting someone in the face while duck hunting… how often do you *ACTUALLY SEE* a vice-president, anyway?

Not much.
Then again, guys voting with their dicks wont be thinking much anyway.

Now if Obama wanted to couteract this, here’s an idea: Cut down on Government waste AND supply us with eye candy by combining Press Secretary and Secretary of State into “Press Secretary of State” and give the job to….

AMBER LEE ETTINGER A/K/A OBAMA GIRL!!!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOYYYYY!!!!

Now imagine diplomatic talks failing, or telling the press some really bad news, and Obama Girl pouring on the charm and using her best assets… like THIS?

“What? Another tax hike to cover the staggering deficit? SURE no problem!”
“We’re going to war with Russia, China and Uzbekistan at the same time? Uhhhhh…. ok.”


But folks… no matter who wins between these two, one thing is certain…


Fret not, my friends…. we have a THIRD OPTION.
(No not Ron Paul. HAHAHAHA! You’re killing me! I tell the jokes here, alright?)There is another… with the experience of McCain and the eloquence of Obama. A man that Al-Qaida would be FOOLS to mess with. His plans are solid, and he has no reason to lie for your vote….I’m talking about (who else?)

GENERAL ZOD!!!!
http://www.zod2008.com

That’s right bitchez, I am SICK AND TIRED of this broken two-party system. General Zod is a LEADER and proven experience with global domination, foriegn policy, military… and well, kicking Superman’s ass all over the place!

Please visit http://www.zod2008.com and see where he stands on the issues. Particularly terrorism and critics…

SCREW THE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS….
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Ladies, Beware of the ‘Nice Guy’

As published on MySpace – August 31st 2008
Ladies, Beware of the Nice Guy

This is a followup to Kelly Jo’s “What Nice Guys Say and What they REALLY Mean“. We were supposed to do it as a co-blog… but everything needs to be a big production with me. So here it is, two days later.

There’s a difference between a genuinely nice guy (lower case) and a “Nice Guy” (capital letters). A nice guy is just a decent person looking to have fun and connect with people online. Nothing wrong with being a flirt either… it makes the online community that much more livelier.

The “Nice Guy,” however, is a predator of the “Jekyll & Hyde” variety. Eager to appear as a “Knight in Shining Armour” in front of everyone… but behind the scenes, they keep their nasty side hidden until they have enough popularity and your personal information to hold you hostage emotionally for as long as it amuses them.

There is *ALWAYS* an ulterior motive behind what they say and do.

    Signs of a Nice Guy:

  • Agrees with *everything* you say and do. Expressing your opinions as their own.
  • Appeals to an emotional argument rather than a logical one, and ready to “leap to the rescue and spring into action” to impress the object of his affections.
  • Would prefer to continue the relationship out of the public eye (i.e.: emails, IM, phone, etc)
  • Uses some kind of a traumatic event in his life (real, imagined, or greatly exaggerated) as a backdrop to gain sympathy and explain his uncharacteristic outbursts and wanting you to open up and share your pain and personal details with them.

  • Moving the relationship too fast, or beyond your comfort levels… while reminding you of his past trauma, earning your trust through pity, and using it as an excuse to cross the line.

  • Tries to get information out of your friends that you were already reluctant to give him when asked.
  • Openly hostile toward/feeling threatened by Alpha Males. They’re “suck ups” at first, but once they get popular by association… they set out to prove they’re “different” from the other guys.
  • You feel you’re constantly being “watched” and “monitored” by the Nice Guy. Being stifled and unable to express yourself freely without getting a private message of disapproval from him. A feeling of “suffocation”.

a Nice Guy in actionIn reality, the Nice Guy is a pathetic little chameleon. A “Walter Mitty” type.├é┬á He’s whiny, self-centered and very insecure. You’re too busy opening up to this “too good to be true” guy to notice he’s only sharing with you what he *WANTS* you to know about him.

He uses sympathy as a vehicle to get sex out of you (while trying to convince you that guy you were looking at is a douchebag only interested in getting sex out of you. Ironic, no?). He will keep trying to cross the line to see if you are ready yet (and getting creepier by the second).

But if you call him on it…

WATCH OUT! You’re about to see the nasty side of him that he works so hard to keep out of the public eye.

No point in telling anyone, is there? Who will believe you? He’s such a nice guy everyone will think you’re crazy! He probably has enough of your personal info by now that he’ll think nothing of making your personal life a living hell in retaliation.

A Real Man doesn’t need to resort to these tactics, does he? Each woman has a “unique signature” about them. A man will notice it and tell them about it. Not use some “blanket generalization” that a lonely and vulnerable woman would interpret as “seeing her”. Strong independent women tend to see through the Nice Guy’s facade rather quickly… so they move on to more vulnerable prey.

An example of a Nice Guy I dealt with online:
One guy on my old message board was a real doozy! He was charming and sincere at first… but that was just to get his foot in the door. After weeks of ass kissing and gaining acceptance, he moved into his “poor me” stage. His first wife died, and his second wife left him for another man…

boo hoo!This of course, tugged on a lot of heartstrings.
(OK. Read the rest before you decide I’m a heartless prick. Please?)

He was more than happy to listen to other people’s problems (providing of course you were willing to listen to him twice as much.). He then became the “Defender of the Women,” tearing into any guy who dared to disagree with a female’s opinion on the board. He also couldn’t resist taking shots at me and other “top guys” that were popular; Belittling us in a way that seemed like pure projection on his part (a guy in his 50’s telling *US* we can’t get it up? HA!).

Behind the scenes he felt he deserved “pity sex” for all his hardships and trauma. He got nasty and spiteful in private to women who put him off or turned him down. One married woman in particular, who foolishly gave out her home phone number and address to him, got cards in the mail and phone calls at times when he knew her husband would be home.

As she rejected his advances further, he outright told her that her husband would “probably not approve of her activities on the board if he found out” (An indirect threat of sorts). She began to shy away from participating, fearful of the next private message from him questioning her and why is she talking to “this guy” or why she said what she did to “that guy”.

In time he pissed off enough people that I ended up giving this loser the BANHAMMER as a Christmas gift to all the ladies on the board… not to mention letting him know that a few of the “women” ol’ Cassanova cyberf**ked, were actually guys in fake female profiles messing with him. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ladies? You think the douchebags are bad? Nice Guys are WORSE. At least you know where you stand with a guy who makes his intentions crystal clear. The other weasels will grab you by your emotions and tear your heart out instead of just breaking it.

Just look for the signs and realize you are on the internet. A place where anyone can appear in any form they want. And All you know is what they’ve told you

Landing a guy is really simple: We’re all basically the same. Feed us, sleep with us, and tell us we’re the most amazing man you’ve ever met with the biggest schlongs you’ve ever seen (lie if you have to)… AND WE’RE ALL YOURS!

Stop looking for Prince Charming. He’s not on MySpace. Trust me.

Do you have any experiences with Nice Guys?
How did you handle it?

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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How to *NOT* be Wrong in an Internet Fight

As seen on MySpace….
Currently on the front page of MySpace's Top Blogs

The latest in my self-help series on MySpace is an excerpt from my new book: “Confessions of an Internet Superhero: How I’ve Cleaned the Web up and Made it SERIOUS again“.

Well kids, in the last chapter, we covered “How to make everyone care about the same things you do”. I think it went really well, don’t you? As a result, no one says “retard”; Racism has been erradicated; Cancer and AIDS are a thing of the past; We’re all Vegans, attending church regularly, and voting for John McCain.

I like to think I had a little something to do with it.
*pats self on the back*

Recently I received a letter from a fellow Crusader for Internet Justice who shares my vision of ridding the internet of Icky Bad People (IBP).

“But Eriiiiiic…. someone disagreed with me and said I was WRONG!”

NONSENSE! An Internet Good Guy is *NEVER* wrong. We took an oath. Don’t you see? This is merely just a ploy by the haters and the bad guys to make you doubt yourself. Only stupid people disagree with you. Am I right?

The following suggestions will help you in your Online Battles and MAKE you right every time:

1- Raise an army against the forces of darkness and evil – Might makes right. It is a known fact that if 5 people or more say the same exact thing, it is Gospel Truth. Twenty or more of your friends invading the stronghold of your arch nemesis’ blog and pummeling them and their mindless minions into the ground will make them wrong FOREVER!

2- Don’t waste your time with a fake profile – Do you go to a clothing store and argue with the mannequins? No! A fake profile is someone not using their real picture, or their real name. Other signs are not disclosing personal information such as a home telephone, social security number, or where their children are in a handy hourly itinerary on their MySpace profiles. FAKES!

I don’t know how the words manage to get on the screen, but I can assure you there is no human being with a soul or feelings behind this “smoke and mirror” illusion. Clearly this is some terrorist tactic of some sort by someone with something to hide! (Unless they agree with you. Then they’re ok.)

3- Beware of the “fence sitters” and people not sharing your passion to rid an evil entity off the web – People that don’t agree with everything you say or do is SURELY a betrayal waiting to happen. Watch.

4 – Use your painful past to deflect criticism and justify your actions – As a child I was TRAUMATIZED when I saw an anvil drop off a roof and kill my uncle. Anvils are not funny. And should not be made a joke out of. If one person is not laughing. Then it simply isn’t funny is it? By extension, neither are pianos, cabinets, goats or anything else that can fall out of a building.

I remind people of this as I discuss my political and religious views occasionally. Everyone needs to be a little more sensitive toward my feelings.

What other things can you suggest to always be right on the internet?
How have you used your powers to be a positive force for good lately?

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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Seriously… Cho was a pu*sy.

Yeah, I mean really. How tough can you be to pull a gun on a bunch of unarmed students? And I see a bunch of fucked-up kids on MySpace thinking he’s some sort of role model? His EMO-spewing whinings in his manifesto were cool?

Your ass ain’t getting beaten enough at home, I see.

You know who else were pussies?
Cho’s heroes, Eric Harris and Dylan Kliebold.

Awwwwww you got bullied in school…. boo fucking hoo, you little pansies.
You have failed one of life’s most important social lessons…

How to deal with Dicks.

Face it, you will have to deal with Dicks all through your life. In school, at work (most supervisors are Dicks), odds are you’ll end up in a nursing home where your nurse will be a Dick that thinks putting spoonfuls of blue jello up your ass when no one is looking is REALLY FUNNY!

If you haven’t figured it out yet… I’M A DICK! We like to fuck pussies like you over. It’s the natural order of things in the universe. Going on a murder spree because you can’t handle being teased? Well, congratulations… you’ve now graduated to ASSHOLE.

Guess what? We like to fuck assholes over too. Besides the horrible loss of life this week, the other tragedy was that Pussy Cho was not being taken alive so he can be someone’s little bitch for the rest of his life in a federal penitentiary.

Newsflash: We ALL get bullied at some point or another. The key is learning how to turn it around on your opponent with your wits. Much of what people ridicule others for is projection of their own insecurities. Martial Arts is all about using your opponents energy against them. The military uses Psy Ops to fuck with their enemies heads before kicking the shit out of them.

Maybe your parents are pussies that told you some lame shit like “fighting isn’t the answer” or something. Well your parents smoked pot all through these years, your dad has a crappy low-paying job and your mom sometimes has to blow the landlord when they’re short on rent… so what do they know? (btw, sorry you had to hear that last part from me).

I bet if more people punched a bullys lights out, there will be less pussies coming to school with AK-47s… I almost guarantee it.

It’s the Dick way.

You know who else are pussies this week? The white guys in suits who fired Gary in the Morning for making “I’m a Nappy Headed Ho” the “phrase that pays”. WTF? That shit was HILARIOUS! Now you couldn’t PAY ME to listen to WSBG. Morons.

More Pussies this week:
Those kids making “Cho” profiles on MySpace and commenting on a VT Victims page.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Do us all a favor and put a bullet in your empty skulls and go join your “hero”, ok?

THE MEDIA
Who the hell CARES what Al Sharpton thinks? Most New Yorkers tuned his fat ass out years ago. He doesn’t represent Black people any more than David Duke represents YOUR pasty White asses (oops sorry, I mean “European-American”).

DON IMUS
Who should have been fired years ago for being old and unfunny. He should be in a nursing home with some Dick putting spoonfuls of jello up his butt (then he’d be funny again!).

WNEP
Who decided this rant was inappropriate for television and cancelled my appearance tonight, so I have to waste this rant on MySpace! (Note I’m using small words here and typing slowwwwwlyyyy)

THE RIGHT WING
Where morons like Michelle Malkin and other idiots are making Virginia Tech into some 2nd Amendment issue. Oh YEAH! Give more guns out and turn the place into the OK Corral. Yeah I can see the logic behind THAT one. *eyeroll*

(You think maybe if the NRA took this time to denounce irresponsible assholes like Cho, MAYBE we’d take gun nuts seriously?).

Mentally ill pussy kills innocent people…. that’s all there is to the story. Quit shoving your agendas in our faces and exploiting this tragedy.

THE LEFT WING
The party of pussies! You know they’re working on even more confusing Gun Control laws as we speak. Haven’t you learned from the Patriot Act that any kneejerk law based on fear is BAD? Stop punishing responsible gun owners! Did we take cars and alcohol away from you guys after Chappaquiddick?

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT
Fuck you. Just fuck you pussies. (Ooops, I mean “Vagino-Americans”)

Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food.

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