(Based on a true Story)

Okay, the hell with world events, this is more important.

Once again Jason “make the girls cry“ Kottke pens well-meaning thoughts about rules and guidelines that will make MetaFilter a better place… Sparking a firebed of controversy and division in a trial more crucial than The Scopes Trial and Roe -vs- Wade put together. Well, not quite as big as the Lindbergh Baby or the The O.J. Trial…but you get my drift here. It’s pretty darn big!

Lots of hidden potshots at us all, as Defendant/Paralegal for the defense/Village Idiot Joe Utsler found the line “You’re probably not as smart or funny or interesting or insightful as you think you are.” quite offensive. So did The Class Clowns….

Well frig you pal!!! My I.Q. is off the charts (well, somewhat higher than “86”, I’ll tell you that!), and within every joke, every scathing bit of satire I unleash, there contains a little nugget of truth that will change your very life!!!! Those following me over the past few years, are on the verge of unlocking the very secrets of the universe.

Hopefully they will share this secret with me, as I still struggle with the concept of hot dogs coming 10 in a pack and the buns only 8. My kids are really sick of me force-feeding 40 hotdogs down their throats at lunch time….

Defense attorney Jeffrey Zeldman said: “So not every post is a gem. Not every article in the newspaper catches my interest, either. So what?” Exactly.

Let’s talk newspapers here. There are days, where I care what’s going on in the world, and there are days where I skip straight to the comic strips, and chuck the newspaper in the garbage when I’m done. That’s me. That’s a lot of people I know. That also happens to be against the law as we’re supposed to recycle our newspapers, but that’s not the point. As witness Mark Morgan testified UNDER OATH: “Some days, I come here just to watch the pissing matches.”

Now, don’t get me wrong here… I love Jason Kottke. He knows what the people want. People craved a spectacular website, so he brought us Osil8. Insomiacs worldwide cried out deperately for a cure, and he brought us his weblog… the web needs him. Like a hole in the hea {Defense requests that remark be stricken off the record.}

• I could be immature and state that Prosecutor Eric Costello is, indeed “King Killjoy” and “Mr. Party Pooper“… but that would be really childish, and so unlike me. <snicker, chortle>
• I could also take this time to rub in Mr. Kottke’s face that Halcyon whupped his butt at the Webbys… but I wouldn’t stoop so low.

I have also been advised by counsel not to say it, as my recent outburst in court proved almost damaging.

Experts predict an easy victory for Zeldman, as he is expected to pull a “Perry Mason-like” surprise, showing evidence that that Jason Kottke has also broken the rules at MetaFilter himself. With his credibility damaged, the judge will have no choice but to rule in favor of The Class Clowns and Village Idiot.

“If it ain’t broke… don’t fix it” – Yogi Berra

Dear Tom,

Hey, how ya doing? Thought I’d take a minute to introduce myself after 35 years…

My name’s Eric.

Oh, come on back…it’s not going to be one of those “Why’d you leave me daddy???” letters. Fuck you. You don’t deserve to know what kind of misery you caused.

How’s my mom? She passed away 11 years ago, thanks for asking. Her name was Dorrienne, in case you forgot (wouldn’t surprise me, “Mr. Military Studmuffin”).

Her biggest fear was my growing up to be a prick like you. Every year in school I used to have to make “Father’s Day” cards…didn’t have a choice. I simply spared her feelings by tearing the damn thing up and throwing it in the trash can at the corner…year after year.

Do I ever wanna meet you? Fuck no!

From what I figure, you’re pushing 70, trying to survive on your crappy army pension. You’d be nothing more than a financial burden on me..and life is pretty damn sweet from where I stand. Don’t need nobody holding me back (Sound familiar? What comes around, goes around, asshole.).

I don’t wish you pain and suffering… believe it or not. Quite the opposite. I wish you a niiiice long life… living in your trailer in West Virginia, eating cat food…alone. No kids to take care of you, no grandkids to slow you down from your active geriatric social life. Just the way you always wanted it.

Well, I’d love to continue… but it’s a gorgeous day out in the Poconos, and my kids want me to take them out and play ball. You really don’t know what you’re missing! :0)

Have a nice life….

Me