My #2020Election Wishlist

My 2020 Election Wishlist
Everyone likes at least ONE of them

Let’s face it, people are either voting FOR Trump, or AGAINST Trump in November 2020.

Ben from Baltimore not only promises free EVERYTHING, just like all the Democrats, but twice as much for illegal aliens. VOTE
Ben from Baltimore not only promises free EVERYTHING, just like all the Democrats, but twice as much for illegal aliens. VOTE

With all of the choices in the 2020 Presidential Election, most of us have already made up our mind. However, while most people voting against Trump will accept whoever the DNC chooses for them (again) we all still have people we would prefer in the White House.
So I have compiled MY 2020 wishlist of who I would vote for:

  1. Tulsi Gabbard
  2. Donald Trump
  3. Giant Meteor
  4. The wino that tries to wash my windshield on my way to work (I think his name is Mark or Hector?)
  5. Marianne Williamson’s Healing Crystals
  6. Zombie Apocalypse
  7. A Baltimore Rat
  8. Bernie Sanders
  9. Elizabeth Warren
  10. Yang, Buttplug, Spartacus, and Beto (As one person, though. Sewn together like Frankenstein).
  11. A series of Human Extinction events
  12. Kamala Harris
  13. Joe Biden
Coey, Liz, and Beto
A Gladiator, an Indian Princess, and a Mexican walk into a bar…

For the life of me, I can’t understand why a party that constantly villainizes white men and police officers would have two old white dudes and a cop/prosecutor as their front runners (or not offering anything to the Middle class, moderates, and independent voters you will need to win), but okay…

*shrugs* It’s your election to lose, Democrats.

Who are YOUR choices for President?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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[#GunControl] The Gun-Grabbing, Government-Expanding Republican Blues

Why do you people keep trusting your political parties to do what they claim they stand for?

Democrats and Republicans before the switch in the 80's

I have always said that “If anyone takes our guns away, it will be the Republicans”.

Obama had eight years to do it, and never did. Why?

Because you were expecting it.

Waiting for Obama to take my guns
Obama never took your guns, because you were expecting it. But you weren’t expecting to be detained indefinitely, did you?

Everyone was ready to raise hell at the first sign of it happening. But they know when a Republican does this (or Amnesty for Illegal Immigrants, or add more government agencies, etc), Republicans will just quietly whimper and accept it. Instead of getting mad as hell and threaten to not support those candidates next election.

“I am not happy that they took away bump stocks, but at least they didn’t touch silencers

“I am not happy that they took away silencers, but at least they didn’t start endorsing Red Flag Laws“…

“I am not happy about Red Flag Laws , but AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T SHOVE THAT 14-INCH DONALD TRUMP-SHAPED DILDO COMPLETELY UP MY ASS AND, THANKFULLY, STOPPED JUST SHORT OF THE PART WITH THE SPIKES“…

Listen America, you need to start getting mad about your rights being slowly stripped away. While you were so busy worrying about Barack Obama announcing on TV that you had to “hand in all your guns… or else,” he was busy continuing the work of George W. Bush’s Government-expanding extravaganza by stripping even more of your Fourth Amendment rights, with even MORE spying, Civil Asset Forfeiture, detaining citizens indefinitely (NDAA), and drone-bombing the living shit out of innocent people in the middle east… all in the name of “Keeping America Safe”.

You had already signed off on this when Dubya was starting this breakdown on your privacy, because “MUH 9/11!” “MUH PATRIOTISM”.

You don’t seem to understand there is ONE government, with two parties that know how their supporters work.

Like a Snake Oil Company with two salesmen with two completely different sales pitches…
One of them will make the sale.
But the Company will keep on doing whatever it wants.

They know the Democrats take an 8-year nap when their guy is in the White House.
They know Republicans will NEVER vote for the other side…

… because Republicans believe Democrats will take their guns away, and make the government even bigger…?

Morons.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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[#Tulsi2020] I Was Visited By Tulsi Gabbard in a Dream!

So I had a dream last night (I think it was a dream…).
I was visited by Hearts TULSI GABBARD Hearts

She flew in my window. She was glowing and had wings.
She was an angel.
A Tulsi Angel.

She hovered over me. Her lips pursed into a smile as she beckoned me closer with her finger.

As I sat up in my bed, we were nose to nose. I began to become lost in her big, beautiful, brown, angelic Samoan eyes… Then we closed our eyes as she drew closer, and my heart raced as I thought “THIS IS IT!”… I was trembling in anticipation!

And she whispered in my ear “I only like you as a friend”.
And she was gone.

*Big dreamy sigh*
Exactly the way I always thought it would be.


https://tulsi.to/MakeItHappen – Keep the momentum going! Help us reach 130,000 and qualify for the 3rd debates.


Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Sunday Musings: Stupid People

Alexandia Occasio-Cortez
Politics are about to become a whole lot funnier.

When I was a teen, I was a volunteer at the Ridgewood-Bushwick Senior Center in Brooklyn. We helped the elderly with food deliveries, help shopping, clean, deliver things. Make their lives easier.

I was very disappointed in the lack of wisdom my elders had. You watch any TV show, and a wise old geezer appears and says the one magical thing to give our hero a second change to win. Real life? PHHHLLLPPPH! They were just basic meat and potatoes kinds of people. Their whole life was: Wake up, go to work, come home, have dinner, fall asleep watching Johnny Carson. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

No real gems to pass on to the next generation. Nothing to explain how life works, or the complexities of Human Nature, not even an explanation of why the drive-thru ATM buttons have braille on them.

One of them did advise me to “not get old”. Did I listen? NOOOOOoooooo…. 🙁

Now I see people my age, middle aged, rapidly approaching seniors, and they are passing on tweets from some Millenial Tumblrina as if she has all the answers, but she’s just mad at her daddy, and the woman forwarding it with “So much this!” added is just a bitter spinster mad that her husband left her for a younger version of herself. She thinks because she is young, she has her fingers on the pulse on the future, as if we are entering a new Age of Enlightenment. It’s just a ridiculously over-sensitive time.

We are trying to appear “progressive” and “open-minded” about issues like 57 genders, paying a carbon tax when you ALREADY pay taxes to live in the an Industrialized Society, fighting for the rights of Transgenders to pee in the stall next someone’s young daughter, when none of them asked for this as far as I know of. In fact, none of the transgender people I know in real life ever seemed to have an issue with finding a public bathroom to use.

Meanwhile those guys, that sported mascara and fishnets on college campuses three years ago, are now clean-cut, married, expecting their first kid and saying “OMG, GUYS! It was college and I was going through a phase!”

Life’s lessons never seem to touch certain people.

All the world’s knowledge is just a few taps away on their smartphones, yet we still have people that think the world is flat, afraid to vaccinate their kids, and think Lizards have enslaved the Human Race.

So I’m thinking maybe stupid kids, turn into stupid adults, and then stupid old people?

Who’d have thought?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Eric’s Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

I really don’t bother with politics.

Not that I don’t have opinions, not that I don’t know what’s going on…

But what is the point of making half my friends uncomfortable, polarizing everyone, and causing hard feelings everywhere…?
ESPECIALLY IF THESE TWO BOZOS AREN’T PAYING ME TO DO IT?

McCain? Obama?
Last chance to have me in your pocket as a secret weapon…?
*checks mailbox*
*watches a tumbleweed roll out*

Very well… I’ll just do this as my patriotic duty to inform and tell everyone who I feel is BEST suited to run this country for the next 4-8 years.

I’ll lose some friends over this, but I’m prepared to handle whatever happens.

And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!


MEET THE CANDIDATES WE’RE STUCK WITH
Barack ObamaBarack “Derka Derka Mohammed Jihad” Obama (Douche)
He wants change (yeah, we’ve never heard THAT ONE before!). Believes peace and prosperity will come by awakening as a muslim sleeper agent, befriending all of the designated Terrorist states and letting Iran take us over, despite the fact that they couldn’t win an 8 year war with Iraq, whose ass we kicked twice in less than 2 weeks both times. “Peace will come when we rid the world of Racism and Jews…”

John McCainJohn “Sleepy Grampa” McCain (Turd Sandwich)
Like all Republicans, he likes to claim Ronald Reagan’s legacy. Unfortunately, the legacy he claims is severe old age and senility. His answer to every problem comes in the tune of a Beach Boy parody. When asked about the North Korean crisis he sang “And he’ll have fun, fun, fun till we blow his slanted gook ass away…”

Weaknesses of the Candidates:
With Obama, besides the obvious fear that he might enslave the entire White race as payback for Slavery, his lack of experience is cited. This of course comes from the same people that thought it was just fine to trust George W. Bush with the big red button. Most companies wouldn’t trust Dubya with a stapler.

With McCain, he can’t seem to make up his mind if he wants to be seen as a “Maverick,” and keep saying “I’m not Bush”, or will continue the same policies that have us on the verge of another Great Depression. He feels anyone a shade darker than an albino may be a threat to National Security, and is willing to stay in Iraq and make those fuckers like us for bombing the shit out of them if it takes 100 years. Sure he led an impressive career in the past 350 years, but if a horse his age considered themselves a “Maverick”… we’d just tell them what they wanted to hear on the way to the glue factory.

The issues:
Much of this election focused on the STUPIDEST issues possible. From flag pins, to McCain not being able to use a computer (thereby INCAPABLE of falling for Nigerian Email scams that can throw us deeper in debt), to how McCain spent his youth proudly serving his country in World War I to how Obama spent it as a backup singer for Earth Wind and Fire (I think?)….

I suppose the joint message they’re trying to say is “Look, we can’t possibly fuck this country up worse than Bush already did, right? Come on, vote for me. What have you got to lose???”

Vice Presidents:
What curious choices they made. McCain took a break from making “Rape Jokes” and calling chicks “BROADS” to pick a woman, while Obama picked Joe Biden. Do you suppose Barack Obama just couldn’t get enough of FOX News constantly associating “Obama” with “Osama” and wanted a running mate whose name together looked like “Osama bin Laden” on lawn signs if you drive by fast enough?

Bad enough he and Biden had that awkward moment where he praised Obama for being “well spoken” and people took it as a slam against the “Hooked on Ebonics” program that’s so popular in the inner cities. Then Biden made it worse by explaining with “Hey the guy is a GREAT public speaker! I’m just calling a spade a spade here. What IS IT with you people?”

Ouch.

Of COURSE Sarah Palin was chosen for her experience as Governor of Alaska (OBVIOUSLY the Queen of Timbuktu and the Mayor of East Bumfuck wasn’t available to show everyone how out of touch the McCain campaign is)… and not as some hot babe. I mean you WONT read blog after blog of right wing pundits who post pics of her legs and beauty pageant pics from the 80’s. And you CERTAINLY wont find her pics all over the place when googling for “sexy librarian”….


Now I’m not gonna lie, like most red-blooded American males I saw Sarah Palin and thought DAYUM BAY-BEE!!!! (No really, despite my flair for drama, I really AM a straight guy). I wouldn’t mind seeing her on tv all the time. YUM!

But have we REALLY thought this all the way through?

I mean except for misspelling “potato”, claiming they’ve invented the internet, or shooting someone in the face while duck hunting… how often do you *ACTUALLY SEE* a vice-president, anyway?

Not much.
Then again, guys voting with their dicks wont be thinking much anyway.

Now if Obama wanted to couteract this, here’s an idea: Cut down on Government waste AND supply us with eye candy by combining Press Secretary and Secretary of State into “Press Secretary of State” and give the job to….

AMBER LEE ETTINGER A/K/A OBAMA GIRL!!!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOYYYYY!!!!

Now imagine diplomatic talks failing, or telling the press some really bad news, and Obama Girl pouring on the charm and using her best assets… like THIS?

“What? Another tax hike to cover the staggering deficit? SURE no problem!”
“We’re going to war with Russia, China and Uzbekistan at the same time? Uhhhhh…. ok.”


But folks… no matter who wins between these two, one thing is certain…


Fret not, my friends…. we have a THIRD OPTION.
(No not Ron Paul. HAHAHAHA! You’re killing me! I tell the jokes here, alright?)There is another… with the experience of McCain and the eloquence of Obama. A man that Al-Qaida would be FOOLS to mess with. His plans are solid, and he has no reason to lie for your vote….I’m talking about (who else?)

GENERAL ZOD!!!!
http://www.zod2008.com

That’s right bitchez, I am SICK AND TIRED of this broken two-party system. General Zod is a LEADER and proven experience with global domination, foriegn policy, military… and well, kicking Superman’s ass all over the place!

Please visit http://www.zod2008.com and see where he stands on the issues. Particularly terrorism and critics…

SCREW THE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS….
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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An Inconvenient Pack of Morons

I have come to a very simple conclusion after watching An Inconvenient Truth.

SoApBoXWe are truly a nation of dumbasses.

First of all, no one needs to sell me on the concept of Global Warming. We all learned about this in 6th grade science class… In the 70’s.

The same people who insist that this is a “myth” are the same people who think “Theory” in science (Capital “T” as in “Theory of Evolution”) means the same thing as “conspiracy theory”… so, you know, consider the source.

So many people have tried to take Gore and this movie apart, and it’s so clear they never saw it, or else they’d know their arguments have already been taken apart.

  • “We’ve been coming out of an ice age for the last 10,000 years!”
    Gore presents scientific evidence from the last 600,000 years (including 7 of our ice ages) that prove indisputably that our CO2 emissions have spiked in the last 50 years, and the last ten hottest years on record occurred within the last 14 years.
  • “Global Warming on Earth… or Ice Age in Europe… well, which is it?”
    Ocean currents, temperatures and its effects are explained in great detail and in a way that even my 9 year old understood it. Melting polar caps of fresh water into the ocean CAN cause an ice age in parts of the globe. The melting glaciers that were once the Great Lakes in North America caused Europe’s last ice age.So yes, chuckles… you can have both!

Gore also pulls no punches about the 2000 election where he won by the popular vote nationwide, yet the Supreme Court decided to give Florida to Bush. This surprised a lot of people in the house here.

I thought EVERYONE knew that.

He shows a polar bear trying to find a block of ice in the North Pole to settle on before he drowns and how scientists are finding a large number of drowned polar bears where there were once plenty of places to land. OH NO!!!! SWIM POLAR BEAR SWIM!!!!

He PROVES how improving the environment will actually HELP our economy. (Did you know we can’t sell cars in China because we don’t meet their efficiency standards? Or how California was sued by auto makers for leading the way in emissions efficiency laws?).

And well, who the hell is thinking about getting their kid an X-Box when their city is going under from a class 5 hurricane? (Simulations also show parts of Florida and Manhattan joining New Orleans with the current trend of arctic land ice melting.)

Well I don’t know who this “new” Al Gore is, and what happened to the “Gorebot” that bored the hell out of me in 2000… But this guy is witty, intelligent, and sometimes even entertaining. So if he runs again for the White House, he’s got my vote.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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The blood of heroes part I

splash.jpg

The way I understand it, a hero is not a person with extraordinary powers or has no fear.

Quite the opposite actually.
Continue reading “The blood of heroes part I”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Clinton Saves the Pledge of Allegiance

Despite the fact that the phrase “under God” was added to the pledge in 1954 to show those “godless commies” who WE had on our side, the controversy still continues.

I suppose if it was always in there, I can understand why people are upset, but it isn’t.

The only problem is, removing it makes some kind of a bump and throws the rhythm off. Rather than remove it, we need to put something in its place… something that says: “Hey this is America!”

George Clinton and kids practice the new pledge of allegiance.
Thanks Dr. Funkenstein!

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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GOP Wars: A New Hope

Jedi Teddy
I know. I know….
I swore I was shutting up about politics.

But check it:
Republicans For Dean
(Hat Tip: Wacky Neighbor)

And yes… it’s for real. It’s run by Dennis Sanders of ModerateRepublican.Net.

“Moderate Republicans believe in community, compassion, pragmatism, common sense, political-fellowship, and, most importantly — intellectual honesty. “

Continue reading “GOP Wars: A New Hope”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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When did I become a Democrat (or even a Socialist?)

Here’s a fun little toy I found at Pete’s. For people (like me) who have no clue who they’re voting for next November, here is the SelectSmart Presidential Candidate Selector

01. Your ideal theoretical candidate. (100%) *
* Who is “Your ideal theoretical candidate”? This candidate adamantly endorses all of your political views. The problem is that they may not exist, unless you write-in your own name on your ballot. (Hmm… I just may do that!)
02. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT – Democrat (76%)
03. Clark, Retired General Wesley K., AR – Democrat (72%)

Continue reading “When did I become a Democrat (or even a Socialist?)”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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The vast center wing conspiracy

One thing I really pride myself on, in the fact that I’ve gotten smacked down by both sides of the political spectrum.

Bleeding Heart Liberals make me puke.
Brownshirt Neo Conservatives make me laugh.

To me, they’re both the same. They’re unrealistically extreme. Detatched from any form of reality that I know of. They want to hang a label on you if you disagree with them. They hang on their party’s core beliefs even when it’s clear as day that they’re wrong in a particular issue.

They try to silence you rather than address the issue you brought up.

I’ve heard arguments that the President is not to blame for the current economic conditions, yet we all can look on the Carter years with disgust for the same reasons.

Can’t we all just agree that some people just sucked as Presidents?

I liked Reagan *AND* I liked Clinton. I believe a large portion of their success was the fact that they had a legistlative branch which was dominated by a different party to answer to.

Balance, people.
Do you see the point I’m driving at?
Continue reading “The vast center wing conspiracy”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Fuque La France!

In lieu of actual content, I thought I’d just regurgitate a comment and make a whole post out of it. (Funny, I was just at Donna’s talking about wanting to do this.)

Some dude named Orion puts in a cameo at Emperor Misha’s joint where he “fisks” a new French ad, tentatively titled:

Stop picking on us, or we shall get more nasal and snobby“, or something like that.

… starring none other than Woody Allen; Americas favorite inbreeder since Jerry Lee Lewis.
Continue reading “Fuque La France!”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Have we gone nuts???

There’s got to be some mistake. How on earth can so many countries and so many people feel so strongly against our occupation (oops, I meant to say “liberation”) of Iraq, and yet polls in America strongly support it?

The world is apparently nuts. We can’t be wrong, right?

Saudi Arabia has handed us our eviction papers; Turkey wouldn’t let us use their bases for all the money in the world; Russia is constantly nagging us “So, where are the weapons, genius???”, and wouldn’t cave in to the administration’s threatspolite suggestions that “not supporting the invasion wouldn’t be beneficial for future U.S./Russian endeavors”.

Blair suffers double rebuff as peace-maker – “Mr Blair was taken aback when, at a joint news conference, Mr Putin ridiculed the US and Britain for failing to find weapons of mass destruction – or Saddam Hussein. Russia would not support lifting sanctions until there was ‘evidence’ that the weapons existed, Mr Putin said. He demanded a key role for the UN in post-war Iraq, including the return of its weapons inspectors.”

We had a war because Bush expected Saddam to PROVE he DIDN’T have weapons of mass destruction. Now we’re in and Rumsfeld feels, after bashing Hans Blix for months, that NOW it’s irrelevant whether we find these weapons or not. Saddam’s gone. Lift the damn sanctions already. Fuck U.N. resolution 1441, or 1401, or whatever the hell it was about the WMD’s.

Wouldn’t it be a HOOT if Putin made us PROVE something doesn’t EXIST now?
While we’re at it, I offer a challenge to you atheists out there: Prove there isn’t a God!!!!

Whatever happened to Hans Blix anyway?
The Elusive Weapons Of Mass Destruction – “Hans Blix has not been interviewed in the American media since the war began on March 19. However, he gave an extensive interview to the Spanish newspaper, El País on April 9 in which he made it clear that the United States’ claim that intelligence sources had proof of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was doubtful at best. ”

GASP!!! I can’t imagine why this wouldn’t make the papers in America, could you??? Well, there you go Russia. There’s no WMD’s in Iraq. Can you support lifting the sanctions now?

I mean, the love us… we set them free, and they’re on the road to democracy – The war is over (except for Iraq) – “Hatred was present in the taunts of the youths goading the American troops face-to-face, calling them “babies” and waving a banner that said “Sooner or later, US killers, we’ll kick you out”. And it was there in the burning eyes of the man outside Fallujah General Hospital, who began bellowing about the “lies of the Western press” and the wickedness of the American occupation after we arrived to see the bloodied victims of the latest US shooting.”

Oh shit, wait. Don’t click that. I meant to link to the American version where the protesters had militants shooting at the troops, and that’s why they fired back.

Remember

I look back at the August 2002 article “Seven Arguments Against Bombing Iraq” – “Besides, an American invasion of Iraq would probably weaken the battle against terrorism. It would not only distract from the more immediate threat posed by Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network, but it would also likely result in an anti-American backlash that would lessen the level of cooperation from Islamic countries in tracking down and neutralizing the remaining Al Qaeda cells. ”

Ha! Yeah right! Like THAT is ever gonna happen!

Note to Bush: We Need the World – What? I thought the United States WAS the world???

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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How quickly they forget…

People, you gotta love ’em.

With all the Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins bashing going on, I was on Mykeru.Com, where he brings up an article about 9/11… and oh lookie… Susan Sarandon cooking for the rescue workers, and Tim Robbins rounding up steel-toe boots for the crews at Ground Zero.

Yeah, they are sooooo damn un-American, aren’t they?
No one remembers that, they just want to remember how outspoken they’ve been on the war lately. Blacklisted from certain events for it.
Continue reading “How quickly they forget…”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Patriots Day

Gonna be back-to-back-to-back posts today, so much stuff is going on (and yes… the pilot episode of Super Dudes is done and online. Link to follow.)

God Bless the troopsDaphne reminds us today is Patriots Day.

You know, anyone can cheer on the winning team, root for the home team in an “easy war”. When the going gets tough? When things go really wrong? That’s when you see what people are made of. Our troops need our support more than ever.

Whether Saddam and Oday Hussein are hiding on a farm dressed as peasants somewhere, or they’re primordial ooze underneath a pile of rubble… either way, they’ll never be a threat to anyone again. No one will shed a tear for them, least of all me.

Where are all the holy men? You know the ones who scream “Death to America” everytime their coffee is too cold, or their eggs are too runny? Why aren’t they putting out a plea to the Iraqi looters and say “Hey, stop stealing other people’s shit, and destroying 7,000 years of history and artifacts!” ?

Just something new to blame America for.
It’s always America’s fault over there, isn’t it.
When the U.N. sends peace-keeping troops to some hotspot on the planet, they only see it as “The Americans interfering again.”

So now, on top of dealing with mercs, suicide bombers, and snipers, they’re expected to stop people from stealing their own shit? Give me a fucking break. Sorry we’re more concerned with combat and finding our people who are being tortured somewhere. Amid the gunfire and chaos, these ingrates are whining “this is democracy???”. What, they don’t have the balls to stop the looters themselves?
Continue reading “Patriots Day”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Evil Bert is Dead

Sometime last night, Web Designer Dino Ignacio pulled the plug on his long-running internet-cult-classic “Bert is Evil” site. It was his own personal decision. No “cease & desists” or threats involved.

Seeing his work on a pro-Taliban protest was apparently too much for him. The Children’s Television Workshop, is also panicking at the site of one of their creations, broadcast around the world next to the most dangerous man alive.

I think these people need to reach deep down inside, and see the hilarious irony of it all… Osama’s own supporters made an ASSHOLE out of him. And Bert helped. Whether it was our Special Forces slipping it into the printing plates, or the “official story” of an honest mistake by the printer… it was effective and humiliating nonetheless.

The story about “Sesame Street being bombed” was a fabrication. Elmo, Big Bird, Zoe and the gang are all alive & well. It was propaganda. I took that day’s events, like any good American, and rolled with it…..

<The sound of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” blaring in the background>

I want the memory of that protest in Bangladesh embedded in the world’s mind forever. The world needs to talk about it, and laugh at Ass-ama forever. Let the world know that The Taliban and Al-Qaeda’s contempt for our culture will be the means to their demise… you were humiliated by a muppet, Assama!

And most of all….

Flag courtesy of Comstock Images, Bert Courtesy of CTW….

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Bush orders air strike on Sesame Street

Bush Addresses the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the latest assault against Evil Muppet Bert. (Shown here in a photo with Osama bin Laden in 1998)

Photo: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) – In his vow to to “rid the world of evildoers, and punish those that harbor them”. President Bush signed an executive order to launch a surprise air attack on Sesame Street this morning.

The attack was launched in retaliation against Bert, a muppet with ties to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network, several mob organizations, and feared thoughout the underworld as “That scary little furry guy”. The death toll is mounting of up to 150 muppets and rising. The toll may be higher, as correspondents are seeing fur, felt, and stuffing all in the ruins.

“But why attack all of us???”, cried a resident, who only wanted to be referred to as “Gina”, “we’re as terrified of Bert as the rest of the world… we’ve done nothing wrong”.

Chilling evidence of Bert’s involvement in the latest terrorism attacks. In a rally in Bangladesh, 9/10/01, Bert is seen in a supportive poster.

Photo: Reuters

The main target was Mr. Hooper’s store, now in ruins. It was a suspected front for Bert’s operations.

President Bush addressed the Joint Chiefs of Staff this morning, and was quoted in saying: “Make no mistake, this nation will not rest until this furry little bastard is turned into someone’s oven mitt….”

There is no evidence of whether Bert survived the attack. Or was anywhere NEAR Sesame Street at the time.

The President will address the Nation tonight at 9:30 PM (That’s when the little hand is on the 9, and the big hand is on the 6). To discuss this latest operation, entitled OPERATION: Nail the GODDAMN Sock Puppet.

Brought to you by the Letter “S”.
For “SPECIAL FORCES (Psychological Operations)”
and “SUCK MY DICK, OSAMA!”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Friday Propaganda…

Osama bin Laden | Photo courtesy of APInside the minds of Terrorists

For the sake of children, experiencing war for the first time… I have denoted words they may not understand with asterisks (*), so they can appreciate the fine art of propaganda*. Answer key at the bottom.

The following hand-written note was found inside a flight manual in a suspect’s abandoned vehicle, translated from Farsi*

THINGS TO DO LIST

– Wake up, face the East, praise Allah* for his love and grace, and for the painful, gruesome death of Jews and Americans everywhere.

– Decide whether to milk the camel or blow shit up.

– Sniff the leftover bowl of cous-cous*, to see if it is suitable to eat for breakfast.

– Run to the market to pick up goat’s milk, a laws rocket launcher, and a stick of butter. (Find out if your order of bio-chemical weapons are in yet!)

– Sit down and try to plot the downfall of the United States, which is no easy feat as through this, you are being nagged by all six of your wives to go out and sweep the sand buildup outside of the tent because the neighbors are beginning to talk. At least two of them are suffering the curse of their “monthly effendi* coming to visit”. Come to think of it, there isn’t a day in the year when it isn’t happening to at least one of them…

– Curse the concept of polygamy*… the number one cause of suicide bombers in Al-Qaeda*.

– Go back outside, face the East and pray again. Or at least use that as an excuse to get away from the nagging bitches, and your 42 screaming kids.

– Take the camel out for a spin to the local Al-Qaeda* terrorist camp. It’s “Stag Film Night”, and the grand poo-bah promises this this film will actually show a hot Afghani woman exposing herself up to her left foot. Perhaps even an ankle!

– Hide the projector, pull up the screen to show your latest attack plan on the blackboard when a Taliban* official pops in looking to serve Osama bin Laden* with an eviction notice.

– A messenger arrives with a parchment from wife #3 (whats-her-name, you know, the pregnant one?), asking you to pick up some beef jerky on the way home from your most revered Jihad* meeting.

– You curse the sand her ancestors walked upon. It’s blashemy! Obviously she has been poisoned by western culture. (Besides, you already know that Pakistan has closed it’s borders to you. Not that it matters… 160 million Pakistanis, and not one of them owns a “Quicky Mart” or a “7-11”* over here.)

– This is the last straw on the loofah sponge, as you volunteer to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a suicide bomber for Allah. An eternity of paradise will be your reward, as well as twelve virgins, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.

(Translator’s note: This part of the radical mentality of these madmen remain an enigma to our investigators trying to establish a profile. He became a suicide bomber to get away from his six nagging wives, yet he’s now committing himself to spending all eternity with twice the amount of women???? Also, I wasn’t sure of the words originally used for “loofah sponge” and “Turtle Wax”, so I took a guess. Sue me.)

A N S W E R    K E Y

* Propaganda: Fictional or extremely biased and/or exagerrated material designed to piss you off, make you want to join the army and kill people you don’t know.

* Farsi: The most widely spoken language in the Middle East. Preferred language of Terrorists. Not all people that speak Farsi are Terrorists or necessarily bad people; in fact, if you are fluent in Farsi, the FBI will immediately hire you (they always have fresh doughnuts and a great 401K plan).

However, if they ARE speaking Farsi, and happen to be flailing a box cutter in the air, you probably should kill him, just to be safe. | Go Back Up

* Allah is the name Muslims use for “God”. Since Islam, Judaism and Christianity believe there is only one God… it stands to reason we all pray to the same Higher Being. He has many names and is worshipped in many different customs.

For example if your name is “John”, in Spain you would be called “Juan”.

In France, you would be “Jaques”, and most likely you’re sitting in an outdoor cafe, choking down slimy-ass slugs at $15 a pop… and thinking your dumb French ass is superior to any American, despite all the times we’ve LIBERATED YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASSES THROUGH HALF A GAZILLION ENEMY OCCUPATIONS, YOU COWARDLY MUTHERFUCKERS!!! | Go Back Up

* Cous-cous is a Middle Eastern delicacy consisting of some weird-ass round rice with a strange vinegar-like liquid to give a cooling effect. My best guess is it’s lighter fluid. Go figure. | Go Back Up

* Effendi: Farsi for “friend”. For the definition of a “monthly friend coming to visit”, we recommend you ask your older sister to explain that phrase. This is a lesson in Terrorism, not Sex Ed, okay? | Go Back Up

* Polygamy: Uhm…er… go ask your mom about her, dad and the mailman. It’s a similar concept. | Go Back Up

* Al-Qaeda: A bunch of douchebags. That’s all you need to know. | Go Back Up

* Al-Qaeda: I just explained this… what the hell is the matter with you???? | Go Back Up

* Taliban: Extremist right-wing fruitcakes who opress women, destroy priceless statues, and seem to think they’re still in the 12th Century.

This is evident as they refer to the British Monarchy as “King Richard’s Land of Infidels”, listen to The New Kids On The Block, and act like The Crusades happened last week. | Go Back Up

* Osama bin Laden: Reeeeal bad guy! The Bogeyman! Eat all your vegetables or Osama bin Laden WILL GET YOU!!!! | Go Back Up

* Jihad: “Holy War” or better translated as “When the Israelis or Americans kick our asses up and down the desert, as usual…”. | Go Back Up

* 7-11: Tell me you don’t know what a 7-11 is???? You are too stupid to live!!! Sign up and volunteer for the front lines NOW!!! Watch your step through the deeper ends of the gene pool…YOU MAY DROWN!!! | Go Back Up

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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