Eric’s Guide to the Bible

After nearly being hit by lightning yesterday (4th time in my life, I might add), I thought “Why hasn’t anyone ever written a drama blog about God and FINALLY put that careless egomaniac in His/Her place?”

Well, *I’M* gonna be the one to do it. I AM PISSED! And I am soooo sick of that Human Evolution guy on the front page every day for the past year. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Eric's Guide to the Bible

I have read The Holy Bible many, many times. All but one chapter. You see, they have a word for people that have read the entire Bible: They’re called Atheists.
And I need to believe in order to keep my creative spark.

I have to agree with Ace Tyler, religion needs a makeover. I’ve sold Santa and the the Tooth Fairy to my kids with little or no effort… because, face it: When money or gifts are involved, WE’LL BELIEVE IN ANYTHING! (This is not a jab at my new Nigerian friend I’ve been talking to in emails lately. He has my bank account information now, I don’t want to scare him off.)

SMITEDOWN!ETERNAL LIFE? Well that’s cool, but what’s in it for us NOW? We are in a day and age of instant gratification. Getting a tote bag from the 700 Club after a $500 donation isn’t exactly what I had in mind. Why can’t we fling lighting bolts too? I’d LOVE to take out a few assholes like He keeps trying to do to ME! Wouldn’t you?

Have you READ the Old Testament? Are you SURE you want to spend all Eternity with THAT guy? He hates everyone… including the Jews! One minute, they’re His Chosen People, and the next you have the Holocaust. WTF?

And what a DRAMA QUEEN! I thought for a while maybe God is a woman, this Yahweh person sure is moody and vindictive enough to be one. I mean a male God would have just dropped a mountain on Sodom and Gomorrah and be done with it… instead we have this whole theatrical firebombing (which is where the term “flamers” comes from in the Gay community, btw), and turning people into pillars of salt just because Lot’s wife went “Oh shit, I think I left the iron plugged in!” and looked back.

But alas… there were no plagues involving painful or itchy testicles (which would DEFINITELY be the mark of a female God) … so I guess God is a man after all. One REALLY moody and pissed off guy at that!

Pull My Finger!“FOR I, THE LORD THY GOD AM A JEALOUS GOD…”
DUDE! You made the Universe in 7 days, what have you got to prove here? A couple of sheep herders worship a golden calf, and you go off on them like a Top Blogger reading a bad comment!

The Book of Job, that poor sap! I am pretty sure this was just meant to be a fable to explain why horrible things happen to good people. You know Job’s kids & his wife murdered, his home destroyed, his cattle all wiped out… then to be homeless and covered in painful boils. Hey, it happens to all of us sometimes. Then to read behind the scenes God and Satan are sitting there going “Hey, let’s fuck with this guy some more…”.

Good and Evil joining forces just to put the screws on some guy just for shits and giggles. That’s comforting!

Religion v 2.0 – Enter the Jesus
Like most all-powerful, yet painfully insecure thin-skinned deities, I’m sure God was paying close attention to polls and watching his popularity dropping at an alarming rate. He assembles a heavenly research & development team to find out why people aren’t loving Him and being scared shitless at the same time:

“While most people find plagues of locusts and fire in the sky to be really cool to watch, no one seems to like it happening to them. And that ‘killing your first-born’ stuff? People tend to look down on that….”

Bible v 2.0 - Enter the JesusTime for a kinder, more gentler approach…

Now I don’t care what anyone says: JESUS WAS FREAKIN COOL! I mean, anyone that can turn water into wine was bound to be a hit at parties, right? Being blond haired and blue eyed also made him stand out in a crowd of Middle Easterners. Jesus was special and everyone knew it.

He hung out with tax collectors, revolutionaries, attractive, promiscuous women he saved from stonings, opened up a can of whoopass on the moneychangers at the Shaolin Temple, he was like a cross between Criss Angel and Nikki Sixx.

But his message was one of love and peace, and some of the people used to God smiting them for wearing white after Labor Day was just too old skewl for his message and decided he had to go.

He didn’t set out to start his own religion, going to the Gentiles was “Plan B”. As his Apostles preached with “Oh yeah, speaking of the Messiah, you know that guy that got crucified two weeks ago…?”

Well, no one likes to be told “I told you so”, do they?

His message of hope and love was spread throughout the world in the form of Crusades and Inquisitions, and then later by Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.

It’s been almost 2,000 years since he promised he’d return.
I’m starting to think we’ve been punk’d here…

Who does this God think He IS anyway?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Do Onto Others (Until They Know How It Feels)

Why do people suffer?
Largely it’s learn how to have compassion and sympathy for others in a similar situation.

Unfortunately human beings are dense in that area.

People who say “Capital punishment is killing people to show people that killing is wrong”, doesn’t have a clue how the world works. Neither do people who lose elections by not responding to smear campaigns because they “refuse to stoop to their level”.

Horseshit.
Eye for an eye, fight fire with fire, insert your cliche here.

Bullies don’t stop until they get their asses kicked by someone bigger than them. Sex offenders *SHOULD* get their asses raped on a nightly basis. And violent people should be beaten into a coma… only then will they understand how it feels to be their victims.

Buddy Christ

So how do you deal with the intolerant?
Exactly.

Groups like the AFA (American Family Association), and their narrowminded, homophobic views should be hunted down and persecuted. Their members should be blacklisted from working at places or else we boycott their employers who dare to defy us.

Maybe then they’ll have an idea of how Ford dealers and employees feel right now.

Let’s publish Dr. James Dobson’s home address as he did to Michael Moore. Maybe he’ll get a clue after he gets tired of cleaning up spraypaint and replacing broken windows.

If someone were to beat the fuck out of Rev. Fred Phelps and let him know God hates him too. Well, he’d get the point instead of encouraging violence againt people he has a problem with. If this is what his “Golden Rule” is… so be it. He must have missed Matt 7:1 just like the rest of the Fundies as did.

I’m sick of these Pharisees, pretending to be Christians, and their special blend of domestic terrorism. I’m sick of being nice and trying to reason with these ignorant motherfuckers, aren’t you? They need to be dealt with, as MalcolmX used to say, “By any means necessary”. Because they sure as hell will do it to us Americans if we get in their way.

We haven’t fed a Christian to lions in a good long time. Obviously they’ve forgotten how much persecution sucks.

Hate speech? Moi? Never!
The words of hate and intolerance come from these self-proclaimed Holy Men of God.
I’m simply saying “Do onto others, until they know how it feels.”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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The facts and myths of Satanism

You know the Satanists… the dark robes, and ceremonies in which they sacrifice an animal or baby to their Dark Lord? The demonic power as they conjure up the fearsome demons to strike at their enemies?

Yeah Satanists get a kick out of those fictional movies too. 🙂
Continue reading “The facts and myths of Satanism”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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FreeThinkers. Is that like ‘Freezer Burn’ or ‘Jumbo Shrimp’?

Besides the mindless drones that will send money to the 700 Club so that their dog may be healed of its anal cysts, another group that annoys the hell out of me are FreeThinkers�.

From my run-ins with them on the web, they’re “militant atheists” that are as smug, annoying and self-righteous as their religious counterparts. Both have a “throw the baby out with the bathwater” mentality. Biblical discrepancies is enough for them to dismiss religion and the supernatural, just as “Piltdown Man” and other scientific setbacks are enough for Fundies to dismiss Evolution.

And quite frankly, I despise extremists to begin with.
Continue reading “FreeThinkers. Is that like ‘Freezer Burn’ or ‘Jumbo Shrimp’?”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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432, Plutarch’s Parable and why I still think the Apostle Paul sucks

The Dead Sea Scrolls and the Nag Hammadi libraries tell my what I’ve known my entire life….

We’re not getting the WHOLE story.

While researching the Knights Templar, I saw on their message board “Do you think the DaVinci Code is true? Was Jesus and Mary Magdalene married?”

WHAAAAAT??????
Well. That must have the religious world in a tizzy. Look at how batshit insane they went over the sex scene in the “Last Temptation of Christ”.
Continue reading “432, Plutarch’s Parable and why I still think the Apostle Paul sucks”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Gay Marriage II: Putting speedbumps on the Slippery Slope

Senator Rick Santorum“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual gay sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. All of those things are antithetical to a healthy, stable, traditional family and that’s sort of where we are in today’s world, unfortunately. It all comes from, I would argue, the right to privacy that doesn’t exist, in my opinion, in the United States Constitution.”
Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), Associated Press, 04-22-03

Ladies and gentleman… I present to you what we (in Logic-Land) like to call the “Slippery Slope“.

“The Slippery Slope is a fallacy in which a person asserts that some event must inevitably follow from another without any argument for the inevitability of the event in question. In most cases, there are a series of steps or gradations between one event and the one in question and no reason is given as to why the intervening steps or gradations will simply be bypassed.”

Basically, I can argue how if I give a quarter to a pan handler, then I have to give one to all the other panhandlers. Next thing you know, I’m broke, filing for bankruptcy, turning to a life of crime, becoming a supervillan and holding the world for ransom and inevitably blowing it up.

Using that logic, yes… lending you money will bring about the end of the world. So don’t ask. :0)


So far the WORST “Slippery Slope”/”Straw man” combo argument comes from here. You just KNOW when they put either “Gay” or “Marriage” in quotations, what direction it’s going from there.

“If it is, as proponents suggest, discrimination to deny same-sex couples the privilege of marriage, then it is also discrimination to deny the privilege to anyone else who wants to get married. Right?”

Ooh…. I the crunching sound of a straw man coming…

“…’Well,’ you say, ‘who else wants to get married but is denied by the state?’Many people. And as soon as this taboo is broken, watch them line up.”

Here it comes… this is gonna be good. Wait for it…

“How long do you suppose it will be, once same-sex marriage is a reality, before brothers want to marry sisters? How long do you suppose it will be before sisters want to marry sisters? How long do you suppose it will be before brothers want to marry brothers?”

SoApBoX

WHAAAAAT!!???!!!

Nice set up. Lousy execution. You pick something as ludicrous and medically explainable as this???? Why do you think certain states require blood tests, moron???

Guys wanting to marry their sheep would have worked better.

My pre-canned response to this stuff is: “I’ll deal with that orange as soon as we’re done with this apple.”

Bear in mind kids, it’s not gay marriage that they have a problem with… it’s about homosexuality… period. End of story. Do not pass “GO”.

Look at the way NAMBLA, AIDS, bestiality and any other Santorum-esque comparisons/stereotypes comes up. Nothing direct in the way of how this will be detrimental to society. Just the possible repercussions from REAL freaks waiting in the wings.

They’d bitch just as loud if gays were offered platinum credit cards.


In response to my recent SoApBoX rant about Gay Marriage, a visitor writes:

While we’re, uh, “breaking out our Bibles,” why don’t you break out yours and read Romans 1:26-28 and ICor. 6:9?

(For those unfamiliar with those passages, when the “Slippery Slope” doesn’t work, these two scriptures are offered as “exclusive evidence” that homosexuality is condemned by God. Do note that they are both from Paul, “Mr. Tolerance” himself.)

I had invited this person to join us in the discussion. Personally, I KNOW I don’t have all of the answers in life. Therefore I like to learn by hearing different points of view. Here was my response. I’m posting it here for any added thoughts and for you guys to add to your arsenal…


Personally, I have mixed feelings about the Apostle Paul and his letters (epistles).

  1. Usually they were about him addressing issues going on at the time to whoever he was writing to. I’ve personally never seen them as direct decrees from God as much as his personal opinion. If we followed his every utterance, he was pro-slavery and anti-women, and he obviously felt sex was merely for procreation.I should also note that he butted heads with the original 11 Apostles (particularly Peter) constantly.
  2. They were added to the scriptures merely because they were authentic and cross-referenced with quotes from the Old Testament, which was the criteria for putting the New Testament together (thus throwing out things like The Apocrypha and Maccabees).
  3. Translators have always contended that Paul’s writings are difficult to translate from the original Greek. Many of the Greek words are believed to have been twisted to suit the beliefs of the translators too.

Romans 1:26-27 Discussion on http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibc.htm brings on a wide variety of theories that he was alluding to members returning to their old Roman ways (with Paul’s opinion that homosexuality was involved in Pagan Ritual), to slave owners sexually abusing their younger male slaves.

1 CORINTHIANS:6:9 Discussion on
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibc1.htm again, the Greek translation is vague. “malakoi“, which was translated as “effeminate” (KJV) and “sexual pervert” (NIV), really means “soft or pliable”, can also mean weak and easily influenced by outside sources.

Again, I still contend many of the epistles were Paul’s opinions rather than God’s will. The Bible, like any other book where you take snippets out of, can easy produce something taken out of context. While the Bible contains a wealth of knowledge and practical advice, bear in mind it was written by various men in a different time with different points of view, and they found ways to leak their opinions in no matter what God warns about adding plagues. Unless you know what they meant in the original Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek, or you read the entire chapter to get the entire context that it was written it’s pretty easy to find something to support any claim, no matter how ignorant, immoral or politically incorrect.


Like God (or more precisely George Burns in “Oh God!”) said:
“I have given you all you need, and your on your own… just think of me every once in a while.”

Wherever the rest of this battle decides to go, it’s someone else’s fight.

A recent poll on PoliticsPA.Net has the people AGAINST a Gay Marriage Ban by almost 3 to one. I hope our elected officials are paying attention.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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An open letter to Landover Baptist Church

From: Eric Brooks <moi@ericbrooks.com>
To: pastor@landoverbaptist.org
Sent: Friday, April 16, 2004 7:44 PM
Subject: The Gospel of Landover Baptist

I just had to tell you how hard I’ve been laughing just reading two months of your letters. Landover Baptist, as well as Betty Bowers and Whitehouse.org, are some of my favorite sites for biting satire… and watching these brainwashed sheep not seeing the hypocrisy of their own churches is hilarious beyond words.

Being a veteran (survivor) of bouncing around several churches, I get and appreciate your humor more than you’ll ever know.

Next time these Fundie Bible thumpers call your site a “disgrace” or “the
worst they’ve ever seen”, go send them over to Fred Phelps’ place (Or his America loving site).

Have YOU accepted Jesus as your Lord and personal buddy?
Whatever you’re doing to piss these people off…KEEP IT UP! Maybe they’ll start to think (no promises, but here’s hoping.).

Yours in Buddy Christ,
-=e=-

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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The Passion of the Rosenbergs

Given my last name, it’s quite common for many people to assume I’m Jewish.

This is because, in decades past, many people changed their names to common Anglo-saxon last names because names like “Finkelstein”, “Goldberg” or “Rosenbaum” carried a death sentence and persecution in certain parts of the world.

It really never phased me. And when you find salesmen offering you better deals and bargains… you never seem around to get around to correcting their assumption either. :0)
Continue reading “The Passion of the Rosenbergs”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Apocalypse Now!

I was reading an amazing piece of research on Frontline about Apocalypticism.

Basically, it’s about the Apocalypse, The Book of Revelation, the Second Coming… and how it’s all taken on a new meaning in the past century or so. Particularly with the FundaMENTALists… which was founded on the most embarrassing screw-up in recent history.I'm watching you.

Why should any of this interest you?
The future of the world depends on it.
But not in the way you think I mean.

Starting with an in-depth look at the Book of Revelation, you need to understand the settings to understand it. It’s not about some futuristic vision, it was a rather prosaic and symbolic writings by St. John the Divine. Theologians believed him to be THE Apostle John (you know Jesus’ favorite?), now a 90 year old man in exile on the island of Patmos who had just survived torture by his Roman captors by pouring boiling oil on him.
Continue reading “Apocalypse Now!”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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What’s Wrong with Gay Marriage? (Explain it to Me Like I’m a Six Year Old)



SoApBoXSeems to be the hot topic this month. Unless you’re living under a rock these days, you’re seeing a lot of elected officials literally breaking the laws of their town and marrying gay couples.

It’s called “civil disobedience”, America. You see it a lot just before a major revolution takes place, and everything you now know is considered “wrong” by the next generation. Our parents went through it with Segregation.

The time for gay marriages has come.
Get used to it.

I’m still waiting for a rational, logical reason why it shouldn’t be.

Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Hey, that’s ok. That doesn’t make you a homophobe in my eyes… we all have our comfort zones.

However, it does strike me as a little irrational though.

  • How does this threaten you?
  • Or, more to the point, how is what two consenting adults decide to do any of your business?
  • Do you have any gay friends?
  • Do you feel that there is some reason that they shouldn’t have the same rights to be happy as you do?
  • Do you want the government interfering on which ways are acceptable for porking your wife, or raising your family?
  • Then why do you want it done to someone else?

Think about it.

Allow we a second to debunk a few lame justifications I’ve heard so far:

“We’re trying to protect marriage”
From what, Domestic Violence? Infidelity? Marital Rape? Broken Homes? Incest? Divorce? Us heteros are doing a bang-up job there without your help. Thanks anyway.

How is this threatening anyone’s marriage? Unless there’s some insidious plot by the Fairy Cabal of HOMODOM© that you know about, that is going to issue Lavender mind-controlling Gay-Rayz suddenly turning my wife into a raging bi-sexual and threatening to destroy our Sacred Institution® by introducing another woman into our bed and…

Hmmm… where was I?
Uhm yeah, like I said… DON’T WORRY ABOUT US. :0)

“Gay people want special rights”
BZZZZT! Wrong. They want EQUAL rights. They want the same rights to be as happy as the rest of us. No more. No less. (You get extra credit for the nice play on words, though.)

The handicapped pains in the asses of our society? THEY want SPECIAL rights.
See the distinction?

Gays aren’t asking for special ramps, the best parking spaces, or to make a busload of people endure a 20 minute procedure of a driver loading his gimpy ass in, when tossing him a rope or asking them to hold onto the bumper real tight will do.

“Gays cannot procreate, therefore they contribute nothing to our civilization’s survival”

  1. Gays *can* procreate, bucko. They may feel icky and need to shower later, but their parts work just fine. Trust me. I can also think of at least two real-life instances of people who after raising a family, threw out their abusive spouses and went totally gay and lesbian.
  2. By not “contributing to our civilization’s survival”, I assume you don’t count literature, movies, theater, music, philosophy, mathematics, politics… stuff like that?

And my personal favorite by the same people that blamed 9/11 on Pagans and Queers (but not Capitalists, bad foreign policy and War Profiteers)…. *DRUM ROLL*

“Sodom and Gomorrah”
Oh here we go… God rained hellfire on two cities because they were “flamers” to begin with. Did I get that right?

OK, break out your Bible and turn to Genesis 18-19 (and for you non-religious types, we have the “Sinner’s Edition“)

  • Where does it say ANYWHERE in those two chapters that Homosexuality was the cause of God annihilating Sodom and Gomorrah?
  • Before you give me a roundabout answer about the mob looking to gang rape the two angels that your pastor gave you… well, God made up His mind long before that, didn’t He?
  • Ask your pastor why he keeps leaving out the part about what the “righteous” Lot does with his daughters in the same chapter… he didn’t know he knocked both his daughters up?
    Uh huh. Sure.
  • Can we agree this is NOT the best chapter to preach “morality” from?

Besides Reverend Mykeru taking the Bible and giving some ignorant newspaper editor a taste of her own fundaMENTAList medicine… or Kare’s evisceration of the Moonie-funded and factually-groundless world of the Concerned Women for America (CWA)

…there’s an excellent and insightful discussion on ReligiousTolerance.Org. Who knows? You may learn something.

Most religious liberals are are faced with the inescapable and rather surprising conclusion that the condemned activities in Sodom probably had nothing to do with sodomy. As one Christian editor wrote: 'To suggest that Sodom and Gomorra is about homosexual sex is an analysis of about as much worth as suggesting that the story of Jonah and the whale is a treatise on fishing.'

There is ironic aspect to this passage that is rarely discussed: God seems to condemn the citizens for insensitive treatment and harassment of others. But, this is the very passage that many conservative and some mainline Christian faith groups use to attack gays and lesbians.

Some people like ketchup on their burgers, some like mayonnaise, some like bbq sauce. There seems to be no “wrong answer” there. Some differences and preferences seem “ok” in our society.

Me? I like Arby’s “Horsey Sauce” on mine.
Try and take that pleasure away from me, and I’ll kill you.

Oh, I’m sorry. This was about YOU giving me a rational answer about your opposition to Gay Marriage.

I’ll be patiently waiting for your reply in my comments.



Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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The Golden (Cash) Calf

“… In the temple courts he [Jesus] found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables.
To those who sold doves he said, ‘Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!’ …”

John 2:14-16 – N.I.V.

Thus concludes your sermon for this Sunday.
Don’t forget to tithe your pastor on the way out.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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