Eric’s Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

I really don’t bother with politics.

Not that I don’t have opinions, not that I don’t know what’s going on…

But what is the point of making half my friends uncomfortable, polarizing everyone, and causing hard feelings everywhere…?
ESPECIALLY IF THESE TWO BOZOS AREN’T PAYING ME TO DO IT?

McCain? Obama?
Last chance to have me in your pocket as a secret weapon…?
*checks mailbox*
*watches a tumbleweed roll out*

Very well… I’ll just do this as my patriotic duty to inform and tell everyone who I feel is BEST suited to run this country for the next 4-8 years.

I’ll lose some friends over this, but I’m prepared to handle whatever happens.

And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!


MEET THE CANDIDATES WE’RE STUCK WITH
Barack ObamaBarack “Derka Derka Mohammed Jihad” Obama (Douche)
He wants change (yeah, we’ve never heard THAT ONE before!). Believes peace and prosperity will come by awakening as a muslim sleeper agent, befriending all of the designated Terrorist states and letting Iran take us over, despite the fact that they couldn’t win an 8 year war with Iraq, whose ass we kicked twice in less than 2 weeks both times. “Peace will come when we rid the world of Racism and Jews…”

John McCainJohn “Sleepy Grampa” McCain (Turd Sandwich)
Like all Republicans, he likes to claim Ronald Reagan’s legacy. Unfortunately, the legacy he claims is severe old age and senility. His answer to every problem comes in the tune of a Beach Boy parody. When asked about the North Korean crisis he sang “And he’ll have fun, fun, fun till we blow his slanted gook ass away…”

Weaknesses of the Candidates:
With Obama, besides the obvious fear that he might enslave the entire White race as payback for Slavery, his lack of experience is cited. This of course comes from the same people that thought it was just fine to trust George W. Bush with the big red button. Most companies wouldn’t trust Dubya with a stapler.

With McCain, he can’t seem to make up his mind if he wants to be seen as a “Maverick,” and keep saying “I’m not Bush”, or will continue the same policies that have us on the verge of another Great Depression. He feels anyone a shade darker than an albino may be a threat to National Security, and is willing to stay in Iraq and make those fuckers like us for bombing the shit out of them if it takes 100 years. Sure he led an impressive career in the past 350 years, but if a horse his age considered themselves a “Maverick”… we’d just tell them what they wanted to hear on the way to the glue factory.

The issues:
Much of this election focused on the STUPIDEST issues possible. From flag pins, to McCain not being able to use a computer (thereby INCAPABLE of falling for Nigerian Email scams that can throw us deeper in debt), to how McCain spent his youth proudly serving his country in World War I to how Obama spent it as a backup singer for Earth Wind and Fire (I think?)….

I suppose the joint message they’re trying to say is “Look, we can’t possibly fuck this country up worse than Bush already did, right? Come on, vote for me. What have you got to lose???”

Vice Presidents:
What curious choices they made. McCain took a break from making “Rape Jokes” and calling chicks “BROADS” to pick a woman, while Obama picked Joe Biden. Do you suppose Barack Obama just couldn’t get enough of FOX News constantly associating “Obama” with “Osama” and wanted a running mate whose name together looked like “Osama bin Laden” on lawn signs if you drive by fast enough?

Bad enough he and Biden had that awkward moment where he praised Obama for being “well spoken” and people took it as a slam against the “Hooked on Ebonics” program that’s so popular in the inner cities. Then Biden made it worse by explaining with “Hey the guy is a GREAT public speaker! I’m just calling a spade a spade here. What IS IT with you people?”

Ouch.

Of COURSE Sarah Palin was chosen for her experience as Governor of Alaska (OBVIOUSLY the Queen of Timbuktu and the Mayor of East Bumfuck wasn’t available to show everyone how out of touch the McCain campaign is)… and not as some hot babe. I mean you WONT read blog after blog of right wing pundits who post pics of her legs and beauty pageant pics from the 80’s. And you CERTAINLY wont find her pics all over the place when googling for “sexy librarian”….


Now I’m not gonna lie, like most red-blooded American males I saw Sarah Palin and thought DAYUM BAY-BEE!!!! (No really, despite my flair for drama, I really AM a straight guy). I wouldn’t mind seeing her on tv all the time. YUM!

But have we REALLY thought this all the way through?

I mean except for misspelling “potato”, claiming they’ve invented the internet, or shooting someone in the face while duck hunting… how often do you *ACTUALLY SEE* a vice-president, anyway?

Not much.
Then again, guys voting with their dicks wont be thinking much anyway.

Now if Obama wanted to couteract this, here’s an idea: Cut down on Government waste AND supply us with eye candy by combining Press Secretary and Secretary of State into “Press Secretary of State” and give the job to….

AMBER LEE ETTINGER A/K/A OBAMA GIRL!!!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOYYYYY!!!!

Now imagine diplomatic talks failing, or telling the press some really bad news, and Obama Girl pouring on the charm and using her best assets… like THIS?

“What? Another tax hike to cover the staggering deficit? SURE no problem!”
“We’re going to war with Russia, China and Uzbekistan at the same time? Uhhhhh…. ok.”


But folks… no matter who wins between these two, one thing is certain…


Fret not, my friends…. we have a THIRD OPTION.
(No not Ron Paul. HAHAHAHA! You’re killing me! I tell the jokes here, alright?)There is another… with the experience of McCain and the eloquence of Obama. A man that Al-Qaida would be FOOLS to mess with. His plans are solid, and he has no reason to lie for your vote….I’m talking about (who else?)

GENERAL ZOD!!!!
http://www.zod2008.com

That’s right bitchez, I am SICK AND TIRED of this broken two-party system. General Zod is a LEADER and proven experience with global domination, foriegn policy, military… and well, kicking Superman’s ass all over the place!

Please visit http://www.zod2008.com and see where he stands on the issues. Particularly terrorism and critics…

SCREW THE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS….
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Eric Brooks

Spent 9/11/01 working a 13 hour day in a newspaper, and can probably tell you all kinds of interesting anecdotes and thing you didn't know that happened (like why everything went "commercial-free"), but he doubts you will see Nicolas Cage playing him setting up databases and newsfeeds as a clock counts down any time soon.

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About Eric Brooks

Spent 9/11/01 working a 13 hour day in a newspaper, and can probably tell you all kinds of interesting anecdotes and thing you didn't know that happened (like why everything went "commercial-free"), but he doubts you will see Nicolas Cage playing him setting up databases and newsfeeds as a clock counts down any time soon.
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