How to REALLY write a better weblog…

“Life is like a package of twinkies…
Look too close at the ingredients, realize what kind of shit you’re putting in your system, and you won’t enjoy enjoy junk food no more….”
– Forrest Brooks –

Sometimes it’s better not to look too close at things, knowhutImeanVern?

I did it… after commenting all over the place, I finally caved in and read How to Write a Better Weblog. Now I actually know what I’m talking about.

I won’t waste my time with what I think was so wrong & offensive about it. To me, this was the *writer’s opinion* of what *he liked* in a weblog & I guess what was so offensive was his arrogant stance, expecting *you* to conform to *his* tastes and standards…

Don’t change a thing, people… don’t make me come though your screen and bitchslap you!

What makes a successful weblog? Hell if I know. They’re digital extensions of the people writing them. They can only be as exciting/boring as the people writing them… and people come in all flavors. I can only tell you what I like/don’t like.

I stress, this is ONLY my opinion:

Turn offs

  • Talking incessantly (and *only* talking) about yourself. – Do I really fucking care what you watched on tv? Your new couch? The color, size and texture of your pet’s latest dump?
  • Constant whining – Oh Jesus! Can things *really be that bad*???? Rather than harp in this poor guy’s comment box and convince him that perhaps suicide *IS* the answer in this case, I’ll just come back in a few months, ok? (Yeah, I know… look who’s talking, here!)
  • The latest New York Times/USA Today/Reuters Article and a commentary – Look, I know some people enjoy this & that’s cool… but I spend 8–26 hours a day in a newsroom, I wanna come home and see a girl blogging in her underwear & forgetting that her cam is still on, okay?
  • YOU’RE BORING! Ironically, these are the same people that want a massive following, hound you for links, and get offended if you don’t mention them in every post… *SIGH*

To further illustrate my point, I offer a *small* list of places I like and why… these are sites I have to hit the second I’m online, and if I left you out… that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. (Cripes, I can’t take the thin–skinned, fragile psyches of you crybabies anymore…SHEESH!!!!)

Good Blogging:

  • Hoopty Loops – Well, ’cause Hoopty’s a whackjob pervert, just like me. He also shines the spotlight on as many people as possible. (Take notes… that is an important formula to success… people like to see their names on other people’s weblogs.)
  • BobtheCorgi – She is such a goof ball! She paints a visual picture of her life that makes you feel like you’re right there.
  • Undisturbed – Faith makes me homesick. She displays the imagery of New York City the way I remember it. The lights, the cold, the grime, the attitudes. The good and the bad… if the NYC public school system wouldn’t eat my kids alive, I’d run back in a heartbeat!
  • Negative Subspace – Nicolas writes from the heart, and you can feel the sincerity. He’s a cool guy, much like a lot of my childhood friends that I used to hang with. He’s had it bad, suffering quite a few health problems, yet he does it with his chin up and hopeful. He reminds me of a “non–jaded, non–evil” version of myself.
  • Sometimes I… – You never know what to expect from Deb when you go to her page. It can be about her workout, Starbucks, her kids, a Trixie Belden story, or a new webcam shot (and let’s face it… she’s a looker!) She’s so demure and so fucking hot at the same time.
  • Batgrl/Houseguru/Kittybat – She is just too cute! A mystery wrapped around an enigma, which keeps me coming back for more… always something going on at her site, linking to lots of people and things. Lots of personality… She’ll do anything to keep you distracted and not realize she’s a college professor with more brains than you & I put together, mixed with the deadly combination of being drop–dead gorgeous. But she’d rather you like her for *HER* rather than what she looks like… I don’t know. I just can’t get enough of her.
  • Don’t Mind Me – On the rare occasions that Kare actually writes something… it’s worth reading! Whether it’s a moron customer, StupidParents that think her store is a daycare center, or her latest troubles… she doesn’t waste your time with bullshit filler posts. Behind the scenes, I can tell you she’s an amazing woman, that had to overcome a horrible childhood. I assume her sarcasm & wit is what’s kept her sane this whole time.
  • Davezilla – I’m not buying the theory that Mr. Linabury is an actual human being. There is no physical way one mere mortal (or even a Web God…) can put up the tons of spoofs, satires, anagrams, and all the other hilarious hijinks… pure entertainment every time! Warning: You are NOT Davezilla. Do not attempt to be Davezilla without a trained crew of stuntmen and paramedics nearby.
  • The rest of you: I love you and don’t bitch that I didn’t include you on that list. It was a short list of weblogs that I like, and a brief explanation of why I like them. As you can see, they don’t follow any of the rules as specifically laid out in “How to write a better weblog” There are tons more, but that is as meaningless as the hookers that wont come to my house because I live out in the middle of nowhere….

    … and I keep giving them fake credit cards over the phone.

    Just be yourselves, okay? You promise?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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18 thoughts on “How to REALLY write a better weblog…

  1. *feelin’ the love*

    I kinda resent the fact that the guy who wrote the article felt the need to distinguish between "professionals" and "amateurs"…gods, hasn’t he ever read Faulkner??

  2. dood, your blog sucks… it’s sooooo unprofessional. yes, i want all blogs to fit in the same fuckin mold, so that it’s virtually impossible to tell them apart. that’s what makes that article so great! i’ve been waiting for something like that to come out for a long time!

  3. ok. so that article was *not* something to read right after eating. i nearly puked. that much said, i couldn’t finish it. what a load of codswallop. i’m supposed to write for the few readers i have? bollocks!!
    hi eric. never commented here before. i’m a friend of faith’s tho’. had to come see what the hoo–ha’s been all about!!!

  4. Psst – I’ve been guilty of some (if not all) of the points that you listed as turn offs! But that’s ok, you didn’t read those entries! Good! Meanwhile you’re completely insane and I don’t resemble that description at all – but *smooch* for being so sweet in your obvious dementia!

  5. I liked what you said Eric. I really enjoy reading blogs that show the person’s personality. I don’t think anyone on my list of reads is the same or even similar but they’re all honest in the way they present whatever it is that interests them. That’s what I look for anyway. 🙂

  6. Originality and uniqueness rule. Boilerplate, by the rules (especially his, from what I’ve been reading) is boring. I like what I like and I like you, Eric, for a lot of reasons but mainly for your boldness and wit.

  7. It seems pro. writers are trying to take a swing at weblogs more often. Weblogs have no definite shape, form, or face. You can’t really critique something like that without exposing some personal bias and therefore making whatever you say hardly relevant to the subject.

    The weblog writing that seems to be most despised is the daily expunging of the most mundane activities of the author. This is because of the assumption that all writing is for the audience. I don’t care about self–indulgence when I don’t have to pay to read it. I’m just happy that so many people are writing. In time they will either become better writers or at least they will gain appreciation for the difficulty of the craft.

    It is enough that they are sharing something. We don’t really know about the daily lives of regular folks from the past. The kings, queens, priests, villains, and champions of the past are well documented. 100 years from now the most boring weblog to us could be quite fascinating, as would the diary of a Roman slave to us (or me) now.

  8. "I want to make out with you right now. (oops. did I say that outloud?)"
    Don’t TEASE me like that, babe! I’m vulnerable, and can be taken advantage of easily… (hint, hint)

  9. "This is because of the assumption that all writing is for the audience. "
    And that’s *exactly* what has the weblog community up in arms.

    This is also my major beef with The Weblog Review. Brent the heartless fuck treated bloggers like they had to be "professional" writers, web designers *AND* graphic artists, rolled into one…. that is a ridiculously–high and elitist standard that almost no one (including Brent, the heartless fuck) can live up to.

    I liken weblogs to "Freestyle Breakdancing"… no rules (look every weblog I like has broken my "turn–offs" is some form or another, yet I still like them.) no standards….

    Like breakdancers, some webloggers will grow up and become professional choreographers… and some will be shot dead by a crack dealer. What’re ya gonna do???

    Btw, since none of us are paid for this… doesn’t that make us *all* "amateurs?

    Before kd reminds you again, yes… I’m a hypocrite. So what????

    PS: Brent the heartless fuck has shown up in my referrer logs at least four times… c’mon you wimps… get it over with!

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