New York City versus the Poconos


NYCPoconosTo read the Pennsylvanian version [CLICK HERE] Via the Dialectizer!

 


The Score So far:

The 1970′s – New Yorkers migrated to Long Island. In the 1980′s -They tried New Jersey, as Long Island fell apart. Now in the 1990′s – The Poconos changes from tourism to communities. New Jersey just got too expensive, crime-ridden and the mass-exodus begins. Why does this happen to poor New Yorkers? They leave to find Shangri-la, just to watch the neighborhood get worse than the one they left???

Let’s weigh the two contenders shall we?

Written by a former New Yorker

Night driving:

New York Skyline...and YES, you bumpkins, there really is a Batman!!!!Tough call. In NYC, your odds of being carjacked at night are good. However, your odds of a deer coming out of nowhere, and causing you to crash into a tree, in the Poconos are even better.

Results: Draw

Girls:

RandiWith the exception of California, nowhere on the planet will you find hotter looking girls than New York City! Dressed to the hilt for their Manhattan jobs, sporting shorter skirts and tighter blouses every year… Sure, there’s plenty of good looking girls in the Poconos…. Unfortunately they’re all sixteen and under. So if you use the old “look at their mothers” test, you’ll come to the conclusion that they will hit 300 pounds and lose a few teeth by the time they’re of legal age (or move to NYC or Los Angeles to become models)…

Results: NYC

Personal note: “Eric, you disgusting, pedophile bastard!!!! You’re happily married to a wonderful woman…” Yes, to a hot NYC chick…hey, I’m married, but I’m not dead!

Read the next one, and get off my case, okay?


Guys:

No, I'm not saying Vince Gill (whoever the hell he is) is from PA, but you get the pointThis pains me to say (with my pretty-boy looks long gone with the 80′s), they have some damn good-looking guys out here! (I’m not gay or nothing, just calling it as I see it…) The mountain air also causes an unexplainable phenomenon that triggers a high level of testosterone. Giving these guys seemingly eternal youth and super-strength (Why, on earth, would I make this stuff up???). All over, you’ll find strikingly handsome, horny guys trying really hard to conceal the fact that they’re married to a walrus at home.

In New York, they range from wimpy pencil pushers, to hideous thugs.

Results: Poconos
(Gawd,that one hurt!)

Schools:

Don’t let the drawl of your average Cutterman(Pocono Hillbillies) fool you, these guys are super smart! They have to be, the Pocono Mountain School district is so far advanced from NYC, that New York kids are almost guaranteed to either struggle, or be left back, in thier first year. Crime, violence & drugs are prevalent in any high school in America, so we wont even factor that in…teenagers are pricks, anywhere you go.

NYC schools are overcrowded and underbudgeted. NYC teachers are seriously underpaid.

My kids former school, PS153 (Maspeth, Queens) has a giant net over the entire school to catch the falling bricks off the sides of the building. A girl was killed from this in another school back in ’97. It’s a matter of time before these 80 year-old structures collapse (with an average of 2,200 students inside).

Results: Poconos
Personal note: This was our #1 reason for leaving, by the way.

Jobs:

Lil' People courtesy of http://www.fisher-price.comTo survive in the Poconos, you have to be a crafty hustler, own your own business, or be a jack of all trades. The most fatal mistake a New Yorker can make, is to think they can keep their Manhattan job and live out here. If the 2-hour commute, or the dual-state taxes don’t get you, then the winter will. No one in your office will believe there’s 4 feet of snow in your driveway! And keep dreaming if you think you’ll get $17 an hour for an office job out here… On the plus side, the Poconos is the golden land of opportunity to start your own business…assuming you have enough start-up capital to survive your first year? The banks out here aren’t exactly friendly to entrepreneurs…hell, they let Jersey handle all the mortgages (and subsequent foreclosures)!

Results: NYC

Attitude:

Oh, how they hate New Yorkers moving up here! On the other hand, New Yorkers come up here and treat Pocono residents like shit, so I can understand their point of view. Our first month here, my wife took a part-time job in a deli. New Yorkers, up here on vacation, would walk into the deli, act like they can kick everyone’s ass (See “Testosterone Phenomenon” above), and talked to my wife like she was a dumb goober!

We’ll find common ground with our neighbors (being New Yorkers, better life for our kids, having matching 9mm pistols, The Yankees, goofing on Jersey People, common hatred of country music and deer), which works out great until we find out that they’re from The Bronx and I’m from Brooklyn…then we’re enemies again! Go figure.

Results: NYC
FUH-gettaboutit!

Things to do:

Gee. Play with the fire hydrant, or go to Jack Frost/Big Boulder resorts? One will get you a ticket from the Police, and the other will cost you a small fortune… Well, there’s the safety factor. When’s the last time you’ve been to Coney Island….after dark? In the summer, the Poconos comes alive with fairs and Carnivals everywhere you go. Miniature golfing, ice cream parlors, water rides, etc. Fairly cheap entertainment without worrying about your wallet being lifted. On the downside, half of these vendors have never heard of “knishes“. The Poconos was designed to be a tourist trap, not for the scum of the earth to move in.

Results: Poconos

Music:

In trendy NYC, you’ve got the techno bands, the alternative rock scene, even classic disco. Sequencers and MIDI have replaced talent. In the Poconos, you can catch great bands like Innocent Bystander in bars & pubs playing pure rock and roll. Something that died in NYC with Heavy Metal in the early 90′s.

MacArthur and Emperor Hirohito at Karaoke NightUnfortunately, country music also reigns supreme in the Poconos.

Karaoke is alive and well in both hemispheres. As you know, karaoke has its roots in World War Two… Devised by the Japanese to torture American prisoners. They’d get loaded on Sake (rice wine) and sang off-key Andrews Sisters songs to their poor captives, day and night, until the prisoners committed suicide. Karaoke is Japanese for “Stupid Americans will do anything when they’re drunk”. Karaoke must die.

Results: Draw

And the winner is...

That’s up to you, I guess. If you’re looking to provide a better life for your children, the Poconos has it (East Beirut is better than NYC for kids!). Other than that, this town can be hell for the new kid on the block.

And even worse for the people that buy into the “pie-in-the-sky” bullshit that developers try to sell to New Yorkers. Sure it’s got its problems, but doesn’t everywhere?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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2 thoughts on “New York City versus the Poconos

  1. This website wouldn’t be necessary if all the New Yorkers would stay in New York.By the way,who invited you to Pennsylvania?You idiots move here and actually think you have the right to bitch about anything.If New York or New Jersey are so great stay there.What are you running away from?And if you do insist on coming here and bothering the Pennsylvania people,at least learn the english langauge like the rest of America and lose that annoying marble-mouthed preschooler New York accent!

  2. What about the now influx into the poconos of the: Latin Kings, Netas, MS-13 and now in East Stroud – Crips and Bloods!!!!!
    They are leaving NYC to hide and are now starting trouble. You know where a great place to raise your kids is? Its not Pocono Country Place or Pocono Farms East.

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