In the event that some earth-shattering drama blog were to ever come out with some shocking revelation, hoping to sway public opinion against me, let me give you my response ahead of time…“Yeah? Aaaaaand….? WHO FUCKING CARES?”
I’m a mean spirited bastard. What’s the surprise here? The thing is, people will still love me more than you, trust me more than you, and I will still draw a crowd… AND you will STILL be a moron that is despised for good reason. So there.
JOKO’S BLOG DIDN’T RANK YESTERDAY
Schmeattle, WA (AP) – MySpamous Celebrity, Joko, was distraught yesterday as he checked MySpace Top Blogs section all day, hoping for news about his four page blog and it’s place in the rankings… only to find out MySpace was stuck on yesterday’s ranks all day long.
“I clicked the link over and over, I don’t understand,” he tells reporters as he begins frothing at the mouth. “I thought okay, maybe it will be up now, or maybe later, AND I KEPT GOING TO THE GODDAMNED PAGE AND THERE WAS NOTHING!”
“No *click* NO! *click* NOOOO! *click* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
His blog, titled “Why don’t you people comment my crappy videos any more? It’s Bad Lisa and Eric Brooks’ fault, isn’t it? *HIC*“, was expected to show up in the top ten, given the large volume of visitors and comments to see how Internet Royalty will react to his temper tantrum and gift of blaming others for just about everything wrong in his life.
When assured by the owner of his liquor store, as he commandeered his laptop, that perhaps it was just a glitch and it will be up tomorrow, Joko retorted: “DON’T YOU SEE? ALL OF MY COMMENTS WERE FROM 2 DAYS AGO! IT WONT RANK AS HIGH!!!! ARRRGHH!!! YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!!!!!”
JIM N.A.A. COMMITS MYSPACE SUICIDE; NO ONE NOTICES
East Bumfuck, N.C. (AP) – MySpace blogger Jim n.a.a., best known for deleting all members of MANtana and RSS off his friends list in outrage (but no one realized it), and writing blog after blog bitching about various MySpace personalities (that no one bothered to read), deleted his profile this week. We thought we should tell you since no one has asked about him, and this most likely went unnoticed in the blogging community.
NAA leader Hulia, flanked by top officials, Viriato, Guerrillero, and Mike, was quoted as saying: “We have been made blissfully unaware of this event and wish to extend our deepest apathy to the readers and fans of… wait. Who????”
No memorial has been planned for ol’ Melon Head as most of MySpace just carried on as though nothing happened and there’s no point in mentioning this any further.
SCIENTISTS MAY HAVE DISCOVERED OSHAY’S PENIS
Sacramento, CA (AP) – NANOLABSÂ®, a micro technology research firm may have finally developed an electron microscope powerful enough to see Oshay “Pee Wee” Duke Jackson’s genitalia.
Richard Smalls, director of NANOLABSÂ® research and development, demonstrated to a tiny member of reporters on hand.
“Waiiiit… there it is,” Smalls says as he focuses, “I think”.
“Nope, almost got it… wait… it’s. Hang on.”
“There it is! I see it! LOOK!”.
Hopes were dashed as it turned out to be a pencil waved in front of the lens as a prank by a colleague.
NANOLABSÂ® CEO, Holden Littlewood, assures the public that they will not give up hope, and will continue their research.
ADVICE COLUMN “ASK ERIC”
I’m not sure why Harry Fox chose to delete my comment on his blog yesterday, but it is rare when I give any of my MANly wisdom or advice, so here it is again.
TAKE HEED, GENTLEMEN…
I’m a jerk. But you love me anyway. Admit it.