Adventures in Wal-Mart’s parking lot

First off… at my Wal-Mart in East Stroudsburg, there are literally 200 spots reserved for the handicapped. I mean COME ON!!!!! Do you really expect to do business with 200 gimps at once? Is it really necessary? 20 is more than enough (Unless you’re expecting Jerry Lewis to host a marathon there or something).

Something at Wulfgar’s touched on a subject very near and dear to my heart… Parking Lot Vultures. People who want your parking spot so bad that they are willing to risk life and limb to get it (even run over a poor defenseless puppy.)

I hate them!!! I hate them with a passion that I reserve only for Jethro Tull fans!!!!!
Fie upon these foul creatures… better yet, Downs Syndrome upon all their descendants!!!!

Have you ever walked in a parking lot and have these predatory bastards slowly creeping up behind you? AS YOU’RE WALKING!?!!??!

I get smart. I walk up the wrong aisle, and zip between the cars to get mine and peel out.

One day they’re gonna do it to the wrong person. He’s gonna get angry… and, and…

OH NO!!! HE BECOMES THE HULK!!!!!

He’s gonna pick up a Hummer and smack you with it!!!! Yeah!!!! And you’re gonna fly, and end up in a parking lot where there’s a BINGO HALL AND THERE WILL BE HUNDREDS OF OLD LADIES PISSED THAT YOU’RE IN THEIR WAY!!!!!!!!! (Or a handicapped spot where a handicapped person gives you the finger with his good arm. Whichever is worse.)

Yeah…. and when that happens? I’m gonna laugh at you.
Serves you right for listening to Aqualung uhm, I mean being a parking lot vulture… yeah.

P.S.. I HATE YOU!!!!

14 thoughts on “Adventures in Wal-Mart’s parking lot

  1. HAHAHAHA!

    We used to have that happen all the time at college. 300 parking spaces for 600 students. Only damn reason I took an early class!

    We’d walk to the car and get stalked and then sit in the car, lean back in the seats and light up a smoke… 😉

  2. I am SO glad you left some comments, Man. The last several times I’ve tried to get to Whazzup, I wasn’t able to get in. I’d damn near given up on you, Eric. Also, I think I subscribed to your newsletter, but haven’t gotten anything. Did I screw it up?

    And Lisa, it is precisely because I work on a college campus that I wrote that post. 4500 parking stickers sold for the general use lots … and about 1000 spaces avaliable. Most days I get to work at 6 in the morning, and leave about 2:30. So Lot Vultures are a daily occurance in my world.

    At the store, our hottest selling bumper sticker says: “If you see my professor, tell him I’m trying to find a parking spot!”

  3. YAYYYYY!!!!! AM BACK TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING (at least on the net *LOL*)!!!!!

    They got those types of drivers in my job parking lot (I work at the mall…so you know they got alot of those predotor drivers…or should I say stalkers…just stalkin you to your car so they can steal ya spot the second ya leave ya spot)…

    Although I hate public transportation (yes, sadly I got no drivers license as yet…but my ass does know how to drive…just too freakin lazy to get my license *LOL*)…but you have just reminded me of someting to look forward to once I get my license…oh dear….

    My bestfriend got cursed out one christmas for grabbing a parkin spot before this other lady…and she (the other lady) sat in her big ass SUV or family fan and cursed my bestfriend out! My bestfriend just laughed at her…cuz clearly the one who looks like a stupid fuck is the other lady cursin out someone just cuz they were far too fast and got the spot before her slow ass did!!! I tell you! Some people can be so…how you say…terrotarial (sp?) *LOL* Is freakin funny! They must think the entire parkin lot is their drive way at home…sad ain’t it? *LOL*

  4. Oh, man…try to park at Ikea in Emeryville, CA, and you’ll go bonkers!

    Believe me, I know!

    (Err…e, I acctually like Jethro Tull…)

  5. YankeeDyke, I am among the greatest Jethro Tull fans alive. I felt it better not to mention that, considering Eric’s current state of … unrest.

  6. Jumping jehosaphat on a pogo stick…. what is wrong with you people?

    They won the first ever Grammy for “Heavy Metal”… THEY HAVE A FREAKIN FLUTE!!!!

    Ok… well, I meant no offense there, guys. I had assumed no one listens to those guys anymore, and they were safe to pick on. 😛

  7. *lost & confuse* Dude…sounds like you SERIOUSLY need a vacation…maybe a hot succubus dream tonight won’t be so bad…take away some of that stress and frustration your now experincing…*LOL*

    Sorry, couldn’t resist…don’t bite my ass off for bein a lil smart alec…you know how I am…than gain I probaly make no sense…can’t help it…that is just me

    Anyways, sorry to hear you are so stressed out and wish there wz something I could do to help relief you of some of that stress (and I meant that in an innocent way *smiles angelically*)…

    Anyways, am off to install a NEW blog and hope to blog tonite…if my thoughts do not go to bed on me…*LOL*

  8. I don’t generally have a problem with the people looking for a parking space at a Wal-Mart. It’s the people who have done their shopping and are leaving. THOSE people are maniacs!! They’ll mow down a group of nuns if they happen to be walking across the street in front of the exit. I know, because I’m one of them!

    When Ralph started school, he had to interview a recent graduate for some stupid English class. Being that I’d just graduated and that we live in the same house, I was the clear favorite. One of the questions was “What is the most valuable thing you learned in your college career.” My answer was that I learned how to stalk people for their parking spaces with amazing speed and accuracy and it is a talent I use even today at America’s finest malls.

    He got an “A”. 🙂

  9. They’ll mow down a group of nuns if they happen to be walking across the street in front of the exit. I know, because I’m one of them!

    When did you become a nun????

  10. Wulf: ahhh…true…:)

    e: well, I would classify them at “heavy metal”…psychedelic rock maybe? I don’t know…

    and I just had to say:
    “Jumpin’ Jesus on a Pogo stick! Why do you think they call it a burrow owl anyway? Now, Stuart, do you think a kid like that is gonna know what the queers are doing to the soil?”

    *evilgrin*

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