How am I?
Are you SURE you want to know?
Well the nightmares are getting worse. Much worse. I’m afraid to sleep. I take little cat naps, and I’m tired all the time. Recent events have left me questioning what’s real and who is just feeding me bullshit to get what they can out of me. I have just enough energy to put on a “happy face” for an hour or two before I have to excuse myself, and break down and cry again. Most of the time I don’t want to get off the couch to do anything.
I’ve lost that spark too. That part of inspiration that helps me to tap into my imagination and make magic. It’s gone. Like someone blew out the pilot light in me. Nothing adds up or makes sense to me anymore.
I find me back in the little world I’ve come to know as “ANARCHTICA” (Note the spelling, I’m not talking about the South Pole). It’s the place in my mind where love, hope, and forgiveness are non-existent. A world ruled by chaos and madness. A cold, desolate place where the sun’s rays are blocked by the dark clouds, and everything is in dismal shades of grey.
It’s where my darkest fears and nightmares come from.
Everyone has their own “Anarchtica” somewhere deep inside. Few have the courage to take a look inside there. I’m certainly not brave or fearless. I simply don’t give a damn. And when you have nothing… you have nothing to lose.
The last time I was here. I had a reason to fight my way out. This time, I’m just searching. Looking for what I lost. Right now, I need to shut myself off from the rest of the world. Stop feeling everyone else’s pain. Reaching out to me is useless at this point. I can’t feel the love, or laughter or even the warmth of a hug right now. If anything, if I can find my rage again, I’d get my will to fight back.
Just a spark. That’s all I need right now.
All I see are remnants of shattered dreams. And it’s so cold, and so dark right now.
There’s a downside to being reborn.
You have to die first.