You know, maybe I had President Bush all wrong. In a day and age where Americans are scared shitless to fly planes, the government wants to know how much you have in the bank, what library books you’re taking out, and parents wake up screaming FROM nightmares that their kids may be slaughtered in school by nutcases…
HEY!!! MAYBE HAVING ASSAULT WEAPONS HIT THE STREETS IS THE WAY TO GO…YEEEEEE HAW!!!!
(Scene in school lunchroom)
Billy: “Hey Tommy, what’s in your lunchbox?”
Tommy: “Well let’s see… PB&J, a drinkbox… AND A 9mm MOTHAFUKKIN UZI, FAGGOT!!! WANT SOME? WANT SOME??? BRING IT MOTHAFUKKA!!!”
Ah ha ha… you can bet little Tommy won’t be HAVING trouble with the school bully in the playground THIS semester. (Provided Butch isn’t packing his MAC-11 too!)
Imagine how different 9/11 would have played out if we all had assault rifles back then? The hijackers pull out their boxcutters, Todd Beamer and some old lady in the back row cocking their AK-47’s. Aw yeah!
Instead of “Let’s Roll”, the theme would be “Go ahead, Raghead… make my day!” Spraying those terrorist dickheads INTO swiss cheese… in a, uhm, pressurized… cabin.
Well, the plane would have exploded and crashed over Shanksville, PA. either way, but that’s not the point.
Now you may ask, “What the hell good is an assault rifle against a Boeing 767 hurtling at your office window at 700MPH?”
Again you miss the point! Why do you hate America so much? Picture all those brave office workers pulling out their Colt AR-15’s FROM under their desk and opening fire on Mohammed Atta. Maybe one of them will get him in the head before they go out in a blaze of glory… hell, that’s the All-American heroic stuff that the Rambo movies are made of, bay-bee!
And maybe it won’t help much if a suicide bomber sets himself off, blowing you to smithereens on a crowded street… but woudn’t you feel better just knowing with that soothing cold steel in your hands you at least tried?
Don’t worry about all those pansy liberals, either. Last I’ve seen on message boards, they all seem to FOR getting assault rifles. Muttering something about “Taking back their country” or something.
Probably had something to do with Charlton Heston’s latest dementia-induced gaffe at an NRA fundraiser:
“If guns are given out liberally, then only liberals will have guns!!!”
On second thought. That’s kind of a scary scenario, isn’t it?
In Other News: Reports that sales of Viagra and Penis Enlarging Pills have been steadily declining since men started buying assault rifles again.
Uhm…. probably just a coincidence. That’s all.