Yes, boys and girls… THIS IS THE MOMENT. At long last, this week’s event of the century is here. Are you nervous??? You bet your bippy you are, and why shouldn’t you be? For a while now, your most intimate thoughts, your innermost dreams, and your dumbest quiz results have been out on the WORLD WIDE WEB for all of us to see…
You wanted accolades and praise for talking about your breakfast, the furniture you bought at IKEA, and your Friday Five answers…. you got it!!!
But first, let’s…
A W A R D S
OVERALL SEXINESS
They’re sexy, intriguing and fascinating. We put them down, and bitch about them behind their backs all the time because apparently we’re not.
- Best legs on the net – Angel of Kiss My Fish.Net.
- Sexiest telephone voice – Deb Smouse of Sometimes I…
- Surprise webcam babe of the year – Sara, of Simply Sara
- Sexiest latin saxophone player – Kira of Desert Flower
- Sexiest brainiac who speaks latin – Judy of Jewdez.Com
- Most edible Danish – Sara of Looking Out
- Sexiest nerd that should be a p0rn star – Nerdboy Mikey of Electric Bugaloo
- Sexiest comedy Troll – Nico of Negative Subspace
- Best use of boobs for a cause – Robyn, Boobies to Florida
- Best boobs in best use of boobs for a cause – Jessica of Bloganon
- Best use of her ass for a cause – Dawn of Up Yours
- Making PMS sexy, and bitching about men a turn-on – Hormonal Bitch
- Sexiest coconuts – Ali of Paradise Ali
- Lusted after more than any other sockpuppet in Shari Lewis’ closet – Lambchop of Blogging in a New York Minute
- Fuck the ozone! Big hair will ALWAYS be in style and sexy –Susan, of BobtheCorgi fame
- Sexiest Laker Fan – Yvonne of Aged and Confused
- So strange and enigmatic, she turns you on… admit it! – Shasta of ShastaBlog
- Sexiest use of the word “Hooha” – Batgrl of Cuppa Tea
- Best Ass – Angel of Kiss My Fish.Net
(Awarded by Solonor)
- Best Ass – Solonor of Solonor’s Ink Well
(Awarded by Angel)
**// Wait… can we DO that??? *SHRUG* //**
- Geekiest online relationship (of course with her lil’ code monkey) – GeekGrrl
(Awarded by Jewdez)
- Excellent use of sexy colors – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
(Awarded by Nico)
- Best Streaking During a Golden Finger Acceptance Speech – Jewdez
(Awarded by Kathy K.)
POLITICAL
Nothing generates laughs more than Capitol Hill. Aw hell, it’s the comedy nexus of the world…
- I’d even re-elect that idiot Bush, if she posts enough wet t-shirt pics… Goes to Michele of a small victory.
- Best use of venomous humor on Yasser Arafat – Simon Laurence of Amish Tech Support
- Best use of venomous humor on Ariel Sharon – Nico of Negative Subspace
PROBLEM ADULTS
These are people impervious to ritalin. They cause madness and mayhem everywhere they go, and feel the internet is nothing more than their litterbox. You stay on their good side, nervously laugh at their jokes, and suck up to them… because you’ve seen the wrath and destruction they’ve brought upon their enemies up close.
- Best spud gun designs – Todd, The Ripperman
- Snowball Warrior and/or Best use of Calvin & Hobbes –Tracy of About D@mn Time
- Goofing off on company time as an art form – Maria of ::Dayzed and Confused::
- Most disturbing short movies – Jack of Jack’s Corner
- Best blog by an Amazon affiliate with pierced nipples – Kat of My Single Mom Life
- Most twisted use of Green Lantern in a webcam – Dan of Red Cricket
- Long-lost sister that I STILL haven’t met – Tina of The Other Cheek
- Crazier than half her patients – Tracy of Crazy Tracy
- Still using the nickname “Kittybat” months after the Hoopty scandal – Dave of Random Ruminations
- Only blog left on the planet without comments – Dan of The TimeSink
- Like she REAAAALLY needs a gun to tear a hole in your sorry ass – Rachel Lucas of Piquant Rants
- Patti of the Year – Patti of I Must…
- Stalks no-name bloggers with 5 hits a day or less – Robyn of Tampatantrum
- Biggest Blogwhore with a conscience – Solonor of Solonor’s Ink Well
(Awarded by Lambchop)
- Best use of a food word as an insult – Nico of Negative Subspace
(Awarded by Angel)
- Cutest Picture of Blogger with Tree Companion – Red Eagle of Eagle Eye View
(Awarded by Faith)
- Most cuddliest and sweet blogger in the whole dern blogiverse! – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
(Awarded by Pete)
TRIAL BY FIRE (and other legal crap)
People who have been through legal and personal hell this year, and were kind enough to share their pain for us before we moved on the our next read.
- Screw blogging, my kids come first – T, of Eagle Eye View
- There’s more to Hawaii than coconuts and Ukeleles – Ali of Paradise Ali
- Doin’ Time: An inside look at L.A. County Jail – Kim of The Sick Side
- America, you will be rounded up and shot – Matt, of Ezrael
- Exposing the horrors and shocking truth about school fundraisers – Kim of Musings of a Misfit Mama
- All your ‘Zillas am belonging to us! – Dave Linabury of Davezilla
- Comeback of the Year – Tammie of My Little Ones
- Because she’s been through hell and back too and has a great outlook – Anne of semi composementis
(Awarded by Pete B.)
HOLLYWOOD LOOKALIKES/ACTALIKES
They either look like your favorite Hollywood celebrities, sure as hell act like them… sometimes they’re even better than the original.
Don’t mess with the bull, young man… – Dick Vernon of Demented and Sad, but Social
“no I am NOT Sigourney Weaver! Leave me ALONE!!!” – Skarlet, the Punk Princess
Robin Williams of the Web – John of Linkworthy
I’m John Lennon. Really. – Steve (I don’t know his last name) of Benway
Mistaken for Samantha Fox all the time – Tess of Echoes of a dream
Reminding us why we all love Led Zeppelin – Kathy K. of Mindless Chatter
Has no idea why I’ve nicknamed her Amy Fisher – Mollie of Vivid Emotions
Kinda like Blossom, only sexier– Liz of Idiocracies
Had a site she designed once listed on Arlo Guthrie’s Site – Brooke of Rivervision
The Wil Wheaton of the Web – Wil Wheaton
(What? Did you think he wasn’t going to win anything here?)
Best use of Buffett lyrics in a blog – Bran of .em
(Awarded by Dan)
Best Link That Made Us All Cringe: The Cheeky Girls Song – Mike of akacooties
(Awarded by Kathy K.)
“You have a gift Jack. You SEE people.” – Pete B. of The Blog O’ the Blurf!
(Awarded by -=e=-)
CODING AND DEVELOPMENT
These are the web stars of tomorrow… or maybe the day after that, or maybe the day after that. Who the hell knows.
- PHP Boy Wonder – Pete of Encyclopeteia
- Who needs MT? We don’t need no steenkin’ MT! – Lisa Whirrett of Just Lisa
- Most innovative use of DBMan – Mike Brown, for The Pepy’s Project
- Greatest web designer….EVER! – Jann of Sweet Aspirations
- Most blog design changes in a year/month/week/day/hour – Bran of .em
(Awarded by Dan)
IS THIS POST ABOUT ME?
Why, yes. Yes it is! You are the stars, the moon, and the sun, baby! Tim Berners-Lee created the web JUST for you, and Evan came up with the schematics for Blogger with YOU in mind! Contrary to what Robyn’s highly-paid minions and lackeys would have you believe… YOU, sir, are TROOLY The Princess of the Blogiverse™. Aaaand if the shoe fits… hey, throw the damn thing out and start a flame war, fer chrissakes. What good is HAVING only ONE shoe that fits anyway?
- My CD’s are more important than the Holocaust – Jessica of Peace Dividend
(Awarded by Melly)
- Most direct method of viewer weeding that I’ve ever seen. – Angel of KissMyFish.Net
(Awarded by John)
- Snarkiest Blogger – John of Linkworthy
(Awarded by Faith)
- Queen of the Universe – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
(Awarded by Maria)
BOO. FUCKING. HOO.
AWWWWWW!!!!!! Lookit -e-, HAVING a pity party at his own awards show! Nobody’s nominating him for jack shit. Let’s toss a few his way to shut him the fuck up before he starts whining again.
- Most Shameless (and successful) Trackback-Whoring on the Net
(Awarded by Pete)
- Best satire of the Bloggies
(Awarded by Les)
- Most excessive use of Vaseline Intensive Care
(Awarded by Nico and Jewdez)
- Most Likely to Get Hickies in Linky Love?
(Awarded by Batgrl)
- Blogger who took the longest to get his site NS compliant.
(Awarded by Faith)
TALENT??? YOU NEED TALENT IN THIS BIZ?
Some bloggers tend to go against the grain and actually *DO* something that interests someone other than themselves. No. Really. It happens sometimes.
- Fastest clicking of a link in someone else’s comments – Solonor of Solonor’s Ink Well
(Awarded by Angel)
- Best blog named Joe by a guy named Scott
– Scott, of JoePixel
(Awarded by Faith)
- “Classiest Blogger” in the “I can actually WRITE category” – Dawn of Blatherings
(Awarded by Maria)
- Classiest use of Retro (Kitsch?) styling in a weblog – Faith of Undisturbed
(Awarded by Angel)
- Excellent use of the hopeless color combination of pink and red – Min Jung Kim of Brain Dump
(Awarded by Nico)
- Best blog using home brewed blogging software – Sue Bailey of SueBailey.Net
(Awarded by Dan)
- best collage graphics – Batgrl of Have a Cuppa
(Awarded by Faith)
FRIENDS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE DISTURBED AXE MURDERERS
People that have touched our lives, and enriched it through the internet. Like that hot little vixen you cybered on IM who ended up being a 45 year old dude in Chicago… appearances can be deceiving. That’s ok. Things happen. They may or may not be Hitler’s offspring, or goat rapers in real life, but online… they’re ok and treat us good. And that’s what counts.
- kick-ass friend and inspiration – Tam of Faded Dreams
(Awarded by Kim)
- Gainfully employed because of these awards – Deborah of Thoughts Interrupted
(Awarded by Evil Batgrl)
- …because she just fucking deserves one! – Rha of Very Black is Rhondalicious
(Awarded by Kat)
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT
These are the the people who have made the web a better place long before some of you had a clue what the web was. They were doing it for decades. Don’t even waste your time approaching them. You know you’re not worthy. In fact, why don’t you do us all a favor and just get the hell off the web before you embarass yourself further?
- Best use of pin-up girls and retro art (long before anyone else was doing it) – Miz Kitty of Here Kitty, Kitty
- Keeper of the Orange (Passing the mantle FROM Zeldman) – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
- Unearthing the lost treasures of the web (stuff like the very first web page to the morse code translator) – Steve Timberlake, the LinkMeister
- Most quoted on the web – Lisa Whirrett for Lisa-isms
- most amazing parenting collaborative weblog – Real Life Parents
(Awarded by Kim)
- Blogging longer than God – Mark of furtive explorations
(Awarded by Rha)
- Blogger With The Largest Smilie Collection – Gina of Recycled Thoughts
(Awarded by Maria)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
… to all our winners of round one. I gave you “The Finger”, and dammit, you truly deserved it!!!
Pick up your award:
Of course I made an “alternate version” of the award in case your site has visitors or family that don’t quite understand…
Remember: “Don’t be a dick, always right-click.”
I’m well aware that I missed a lot of people, but I’ve been at this post for three days now… don’t worry, you may *STILL* be a winner!!!!
ROUND TWO
Inside the comments section will be acceptance speeches, people whining, and others boycotting this event due to all the sordid tales of sex, drug abuse and cheating among the judges (my alternate personalities). I’m very tired of it all, and GLAD it’s over.
I’m sure you’re ALL following the scandals going on here closely, and you’ll be happy to know we’ve reached a settlement with Ms. Bullock’s attorneys. Basically, my attorney explained that due to Boffo’s widely-publicized cocaine addiction and alcoholism… coupled with his distress that Geocities has closed down his cartoon page (there since 1998)… his lapses of judgement are somewhat excusable. Attorneys for Ms. Bullock are willing to let this go as long as there is no more publicity, and we keep “that disgusting pig on a short leash.”
The Anti-Bloggies – will be back in business March first. As always, I wish to take the opportunity to rub mine in everyone’s face:
“I believe in you…