[Cracked] The Hard Realities Of Life After I Shot Myself In The Head

From Cracked: All PostsThe Hard Realities Of Life After I Shot Myself In The Head:

By J.F. Sargent Published: June 29th, 2017 – There are 94 successful suicides every day, and one attempted suicide every 38 seconds. Most suicide attempts fail, and 70 percent of the people who fail will not attempt again. Attempting suicide is a reflection of a few moments — a short, awful period that a lot of people survive. They get through it. Their lives go back to normal, and the idea that they ever wanted to die seems like a surreal joke. In June of 2010, “Jessica” attempted suicide by putting her husband’s .40 caliber handgun under her chin and pulling the trigger, and the fact that she was able to talk to us without a Ouija board makes her fairly unique, since guns are actually the outlier in the world of suicide statistics: 90 percent of suicides involving a gun succeed. She told us her story and, even though it ends well, it’s pretty terrifying. Fair warning.



That New House Feelin’

Whoo hoo!

Took the day off yesterday to sign paper work closing on my new home!

A smaller, more modest little spot I can call my own.. my first home, ever.

It isn’t a mansion, true, but I prefer older homes anyway. It’s a prairie style home with a long, concrete front porch. A large wooden swing ambles in the wind at the end of the porch on the left. There is brown tile in the entry way, hardwood floors in every room, spanish tile in the kitchen, a huge 2 car garage, a nice wooden deck, a white iron gate encircling the entire property for the safety and security of all and an enormous two story tree house in the back yard for the kids.

I couldn’t be happier. It would’ve gone smoother if the selling realtor hadn’t been a dick, but I refuse to let that get me down. Now to move!

O, goody!

I just thought I’d share the bit of happy news I have to spare. It’s part of my “eventual good news will not be left out” commitment.

Whoo hoo.. I’m a home owner!

Arrrgghhh! I have fallen off the blog and can’t get up!

Actually they rounded up some work for me to fritter away at this week!
Neat, huh?

Not to mention I wasn’t too eager to rain on Eric’s birthday parade with my senseless, ceaseless whining. (Hey he’s a great guy, but even I’m starting to get tired of my mewling!)

So we’re all still doing the big, fat wait and see routine. Looks like since I’m occupational instead of getting a termination package (what I wanted so I can focus on school and move onto another, better career) I’m going to be forced INTO a worse job, (so nice to be just a number to be pushed around)

It works like this:
Continue reading “Arrrgghhh! I have fallen off the blog and can’t get up!”

Happenstance

Pardon me while I burst…

I’m going to go out on a limb here. I hope I do not offend, but I just have to get this off my chest.

It drives me mad when people say, “Everything happens for a reason”

No. It. Does. Not.

Look, I wanna believe in the tooth fairy and jolly green giant too, but that’s just wishful thinking. The fates are not attending anybody’s birth; one pulling the thread of your life, one measuring and another cutting.
Continue reading “Happenstance”

Death by Lay off

Aaarrrgghhh!

Kill me now. Please.

Sorry to have been so quiet lately. But after the announcement that our teams layoffs will be announced September 17 (which is virtually guaranteed to wipe us out), the site where we are located decided to move us to another floor!

They moved our phones upstairs like this was going to happen tomorrow! We all began cleaning out our offices and dumping stuff. I have literally spent the last 3 days pulling staples out of expired paperwork so it could be dumped in the recycle bin! 3 days!

I was finally able to catch up today. We were then notified that somebody “jumped the gun” and we weren’t supposed to be moved until everything could be moved at once. (hmm.. gosh, makes sense) So of course it took 3 additional days to get our phones back!

Once the hurry up and wait work is done, I just know it’s going to go back to endless days of absolutely nothing to do. There is nothing worse. God, how I loathe being idle. *sigh*

So that’s my rant for today. It is against the stupidity of corporate bureaucracy.

more to come…

No, Dennis you really aren’t that funny anymore..

And you really didn’t do that great a 6 minutes on the morning show.
And I don’t say that out of hatefulness. Or because I lean to the left and you’ve obviously swung so hard to the right you’re walking in circles with a stiff knee.

Nobody was a bigger fan of the acidic Mr. Miller back in the day I assure you!

I remember howling in laugher at the NEWS or whatever else he would sardonically toss of without too much effort.

But as of late he really doesn’t seem as funny to me (and believe me that’s not because there isn’t plenty of funny democrat stuff out in the world.) He just doesn’t seem as observant as he used to be.

Used to be he cracked on everybody just the same. Sort of in the vein of Jon Stewart or Bill Mahr. Now he seems to just see things as he’d like to and nothing more. Gone is nuance. Gone is levity.
Continue reading “No, Dennis you really aren’t that funny anymore..”

Fun with Personal Ads..

Given the depths of my life lately, (I seem to vacillate between utter boredom at work with nothing to do and being to depressed to actually attempt talking to others) I have taken to finding my entertainment among the internet personal ads of a certain location. Oh, you laugh now, but I tell you — you just don’t know what you’re missing until you’ve tapped INTO this well of comedy gold!

Just take this guy for instance, who introduces himself as such:

let me see, maybe i should use some of the words of my ex’s…i am, immature, insensitive,never serious, always late, usually sarcastic, light complected, tooo picky, and have a problem with committment…other than that, im physically fit, funny as he11 and im never boreing…

Some how the logic of this is lost on me…he goes on..

ignorance bores me, personality is the most attractive quality, i am more atracted to athletic women, personality will not overcompensate for a THIRD EYE, or an extra finger, looks do count for something…i can overlook poor spelling skills, as you can see..

Well at least he’s consistant. All of his photos showed him surrounded by a bevy of lovely young ladies.
Continue reading “Fun with Personal Ads..”

…And then my dog died..

I swear to God people are going to start thinking I’m making this shit up.

But I’m not. Unfortunately.

The last year and a half have moved like a blur through the penciled lines of my life. No longer does my consciousness ebb in and out in tidal waves of disbelief or stunned amazement. No, we have finally reached the dimensions of pure surreality. There is no possible way this much bad shit happens to a family in such a short amount of time.

I’m trying not to be petty, realizing that much worse tragedies arise than mine in this world. But the stress of one constant blow after another is beginning to wear away the rock of my emotional resistance.
Continue reading “…And then my dog died..”

Election aftermath

Ahh… the people have spoken.

And they are truly idiots.
However, it’s all about choice. That’s what makes America great, right?
Even if dark days, a lot of despair, doom & gloom are ahead of us. And you just gave the enemies the keys to the kingdom. Hey, that’s cool.

You did your civic duty and got out there to vote, and I’m damn proud of you.
Continue reading “Election aftermath”

I’m not Eric

Hi all. Kare here. Eric has been kind (silly?) enough to allow me to blog (rant?)here. Right off the bat, I have to say that I agree with that bit down there about being married but not being dead. And hey, what’s it to you anyway? Try something new – mind your own business.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who’ve emailed me to ask where my site went. I’ll get to your emails soon, I promise. I’m not entirely sure what happened with the host but right now things are in the process of being rebuilt from the ground up. I’m sure it won’t be long before we’re all back in our own little corners of the web. But being the lazy person that I am, I won’t have any archives because I never backed them up….oh well. Live and learn.

Yes, I have Lee to thank for my site. She’s also helping me with my super-secret project. No, I can’t tell you what it is. If I did, I’d have to kill you and since that’s damn near impossible to do using nothing but a connection to the internet and a keyboard, well, I’m just not going to tell you. So there.

Thanks, Eric.

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