DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) – Vice President Dick Cheney on Tuesday warned Americans about voting for Democratic Sen. John Kerry, saying that if the nation makes the wrong choice on Election Day it faces the threat of another terrorist attack.
“That’s right, you [expletive deleted] liberal pansies,” Cheney elaborated, “right now this great nation stands at the brink of annihilation as really REALLY scary non-white [expletive deleted] terrorist types will take us back to the 3rd century, rape our women, blow up our buildings, and convert our children to Islam as they run us through plastic shredders!!!!”
“Only Bush can save us all. Make your choice America. No pressure now.”
Cheney explained that a Kerry win will bring us back to a “pre 9/11 mindset”, or worse yet, back to the Clinton days.
“You mean like how the Clinton Administration foiled the Millennium Attacks?,” one audience member asked.
“You mean like how Clinton tripled the funding in an anti-terrorism bill?,” asked another.
“Like how Clinton caught everyone responsible for the 1993 World Trade Center bombing before they can blow up the Brooklyn Bridge and Holland Tunnel?,” asked another.
“No, no NOOO!!!!,” Cheney snarled, as he picked up a woman’s baby, and bit its head off, “Why do you [expletive deleted] liberals hate America so? I meant before 9/11 when we were attacked by terrorists. September 11th changed everything!”
“The Democrats have no idea how to keep this country safe and scared out of its wits at the same time. Right now, Osama bin Laden and his fanatical followers are ready to break the laws of God and humanity and clone Osama bin Laden INTO “Mini Bins” to blow up Wal-Marts and Price Clubs all over this country!!!”
“They will turn trailer parks INTO giant DIRTY BOMBS IF YOU VOTE FOR KERRY!!!!” he added, as the audience gasped.
The Kerry camp was quick to respond:
“AW COME ONNNN NOW!,” Sen. John Kerry told the press, “Who the [expletive deleted] is STUPID enough to fall for this lame-ass SCARE TACTIC???”
New AP Polls following Cheney’s speech suggest President George W. Bush now at a commanding lead with 85%, with John Kerry at 3%.
Ralph Nader has spiked to 12% after changing his campaign slogan to “I’m not a terrorist lover, like that liberal bastard John Kerry!”
In other news: France drops their investigation of charges that Halliburton sold a “Clone-o-matic 2000” to Osama bin Laden in June 2002.
So far, no one has asked how Cheney knows there will be a terrorist attack if Bush loses the election.
Or why Osama bin Laden is still on the loose to clone himself.
Gotta love the emotional blackmail though.
Are there any real men left in this country?