Home dentisty for the Manly Man

Yes. I’ve been a cranky S.O.B. for a few days now.
One thing I neglected to mention FROM the Beach Boys concert was how I pulled another cracked tooth out of my mouth and have been in mind-numbing agony since.

At the rate I’m going, the only way I’m going to enjoy a Wendy’s triple biggie sized combo is pureed and through a straw.

I know. I know… every time I write one of my annual “I wish I were dead instead of HAVING a toothache” posts, it begs the same question I’ve heard FROM here to Norway: “Why don’t you go see a dentist, dumbass?”.

I’d love to. I have kickass medical and dental insurance. Only one problem: There ain’t no dentists here! I went to the dentist all the time in New York (and Gawd how I miss HAVING fluoride in my water!). I brush, I floss, I CHECK periodically to make sure that there is never a piece of broccoli or a pubic hair in my teeth at all times. I used to chew on aluminum foil just so I can watch sissy girlie men cringe.

But when you go to any bar out here, and the #1 pickup line is “Nice tooth”, I’m inclined to believe that there are no dentists in the state of Pennsylf**kingtucky.

So I did what any sane, rational manly man would do yesterday.
I grabbed a pair of needlenose pliers FROM the kitchen drawer and yanked the rest of the damn tooth out!

Now, you’re probably asking “Uh… didn’t that hurt?” Hell no! I’m a manly man, remember? That clear stuff coming out of both eyes and mixing in with the massive amounts of blood coming out of my mouth… was uhm, probably excess brain fluid! Yeah. I wasn’t using it anyway.

After the searing pain and spots before my eyes started to fade away, I was hit with a revelation… WHY CAN’T I DO MY OWN DENTISTRY? Hell, I’ve cut my own hair for years… how hard can it be to drill my own teeth and put in fillings anyway?!!??

I’m gonna go and get me a nice, thin drill bit for my Black & Decker, and I can probably start doing my wisdom teeth next weekend!

And here’s the kicker…. I can submit a bill to Aetna, and GET PAID for fixing my OWN teeth! Fuckin’ A, man! Why didn’t I ever think of this before?

Btw, can you get Tylenol with Morphine over the counter yet?
Oh the fucking pain! God take me now!!!!

4 thoughts on “Home dentisty for the Manly Man

  1. Ack! My lips are curling up in a sour-faced pucker, just thinking about that; however, we also have a shortage of dentists here, there is a 6-week waiting list for everyone in the health care industry, it matters not that the patient is in urgent need of care — so … we often have to perform our own “surgeries.”
    That’s what tequila is for. Right?

    You’d make a most excellent Alaskan, my brave friend.

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