At first, I jolted out of bed. Thinking this was all a bad dream, and I was safe at home in Brooklyn….
But then I realized this was even better:
IT’S THE FIRST DAY OF HUNTING SEASON!!!!
That’s right… here in Pennsylfuckingtucky, it is the time honored traditional holiday of “Buck”. Sure kids have to go to school on Veteran’s Day, or when there’s 22 feet of snow on the ground, but all schools, and most municipal facilities are closed today, so kids can enjoy themselves by going out with their dads and busting a cap in a deer’s ass!
Oh, don’t you tree-hugging animal-activist bleeding-heart bastards start with me on this one, ok? First of all, I don’t hunt. I also believe you should kill for only two reasons: Survival and Revenge. That’s it. I also think if it’s going to be considered a “sport”, then either the deer should be armed, or the hunters need to wrestle them down with their bare hands and rip their throats out using only their teeth.
But I hate fucking deer. Most of you know that. According to the latest statistics by the Department of Transportation & Roadkill: Deer darting INTO the roads at night are responsible for 2.7 bajillion auto injuries/cases of death per milennium. Damage to vehicles: 42 zillion dollars per capita one.
I called “Vito’s Collision, Insurance, & Venison Outlets” in Kresgeville to confirm these figures. And I got Vito himself (go figure)… and he said, and I quote:
“FUH-GHETTABOUT IT!!!! I bet those fuckin’ deer have done more damage than that cocksucker, Osama bin Laden!”
DO YOU GET IT NOW??? DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT WITH CRAYONS, STICK FIGURES, AND MIMES FOR YOU????
Deer = Osama bin Laden
Osama bin Laden = Deer