Introducing… POPE BENNY!!!!

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Benedict XVI: German cardinal elected pope
“Just call me ‘Der Pope’…” his eminence humbly insists.

Pope Benny XVIVATICAN CITY – Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, a hard-line guardian of conservative doctrine, was elected the new pope Tuesday evening in the first conclave of the new millennium. He chose the name Pope Benedict XVI and called himself “a simple, humble worker.”

Awwww yeah!!!! LET’S GET READY TO HUMBLLLLLLLLE!*
For those of you hoping for a kinder, gentler Pope who will ease up and allow birth control and priests marrying, and gay rights? FORGET IT!
No more of that sissy “Easter/Christmas” crap for you! I wouldn’t be surprised if the following decrees are canonized post haste:

  • Repeal of that heretical Vatican II nonsense. – In order to save your souls before it’s too late, Der Popenf├╝hrer will make up all the time lost by forbidding you to eat meat on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.
  • Accusations of pedophiles among the priesthood – Prove it! These little bastards will be thrown straight to hell if they don’t keep their mouths shut!
  • Heretics – A return to burning at the stake of all Pagans, Atheists, Protestants, and Michael Moore fans
  • Excommunication – Besides the regular blasphemies, anyone cracking “Cheers” or “Cliff Klaven” jokes within earshot of his popeness… will find themselves without a church.

Any questions on how the Pope was selected, please see Adam Felber’s “The Vatican’s Quick Guide to Smoke”

* Yeah, I stole that from Family Guy. Wanna make something of it?

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Published by Eric Brooks

Web & Graphic Designer, Blogger, Musician, Evil Clown. I also code websites and promote people for a living. Still kind of a jerk, though. Approach with food. PS: Don't listen to Snopes. I am REAL NEWS, and I don't let my crush on Tulsi Gabbard interfere with my objective reporting. So NYAH!

6 replies on “Introducing… POPE BENNY!!!!”

  1. Why should there be a a Vatican gift shop? So they can sell Pope-on-a-Rope and the George Foreman Papal Election Smoker Grill. T-shirts saying “I received an audience with the pope and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” Big papal cheesehead hats. Crucifix antenna balls. Four-cheese communion wafers. Holy Evian water. Autographed Bibles. Holy Grail wine glass sets. Bob Vila’s Do-It-Yourself Confessional kits. All this and more.

  2. I saw that picture Mr. Larry, and that’s all I thought of. All I did was raise his arms acouple of pixels.

    THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIIIIRE….

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