Benedict XVI: German cardinal elected pope
“Just call me ‘Der Pope’…” his eminence humbly insists.
VATICAN CITY – Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, a hard-line guardian of conservative doctrine, was elected the new pope Tuesday evening in the first conclave of the new millennium. He chose the name Pope Benedict XVI and called himself “a simple, humble worker.”
Awwww yeah!!!! LET’S GET READY TO HUMBLLLLLLLLE!*
For those of you hoping for a kinder, gentler Pope who will ease up and allow birth control and priests marrying, and gay rights? FORGET IT!
No more of that sissy “Easter/Christmas” crap for you! I wouldn’t be surprised if the following decrees are canonized post haste:
- Repeal of that heretical Vatican II nonsense. – In order to save your souls before it’s too late, Der Popenführer will make up all the time lost by forbidding you to eat meat on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.
- Accusations of pedophiles among the priesthood – Prove it! These little bastards will be thrown straight to hell if they don’t keep their mouths shut!
- Heretics – A return to burning at the stake of all Pagans, Atheists, Protestants, and Michael Moore fans
- Excommunication – Besides the regular blasphemies, anyone cracking “Cheers” or “Cliff Klaven” jokes within earshot of his popeness… will find themselves without a church.
Any questions on how the Pope was selected, please see Adam Felber’s “The Vatican’s Quick Guide to Smoke”
* Yeah, I stole that from Family Guy. Wanna make something of it?