Letters to -e-

As an added service here, I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to answer some letters. It is the hope of the mangement here that this will aid in my early parole, or at least a shorter sentence making this world a better place.

Dear e:
I am still upset. My haloween costume came with a gun. My mommy wouldn’t let me take it with me on haloween. She says guns are not toys and they are bad. My daddy says this is wrong, as he has a lot of big guns at his howse that he lets me play with. Who should I listen to? Furthermore what is your stance on the current statute of gun control laws? Should they be stricter?


Well Billy, To be honest, I agree with your mother. Guns are not toys, and are a tremendous responsibility. And even a toy one on the streets may get you capped by a rival gang, or a cop patrolling the dark streets.

Not only that, but I have seen kids get rushed to the hospital for everything from getting hit with hammers, to getting their eyes poked out with pencils. It is my belief that you little bastards could kill each other with sporks if we left you alone long enough! So guns in the house? FUH-GHETTABOUT IT!

I suspect your daddy has all these *big* guns to compensate for having such a tiny pecker. Probably why your mommy had so many affairs, and left him, too.

I have forwarded your letter to my good friend, Rachel Lucas, and she recommends this fun site for kids by the NRA. She also thinks you and your new puppy should have matching .38 snubnose revolvers and at least one speed loader.

We also won’t be asking “Auntie Rachel” for any more advice for this column.

As far as gun control laws. I feel they’re fine as it is. And I have no problem with *RESPONSIBLE* citizens owning a gun, as long as they follow the laws.

You see Billy, when you grow up, and work your way through college doing the graveyard shift at a convenience store, and the final moments of your life are spent watching your blood and brain matter drip across the floor in a robbery gone bad…

That crackhead will *NOT* be using a fully licensed and registered firearm. It will be an illegal one that he bought from a gang banger that was probably used in a carjacking in Detroit. All the laws in the world will never change that.

So rest easy Billy. Gun laws are your friend. They are there to keep people like your daddy from becoming a bigger asshole than he already is. :0)

And if Auntie Rachel tries to send you a .9mm Uzi for Christmas with two fully-loaded clips(like she said she would), you *will* send it back with a polite “No, thank you” letter, right?

Hey kids! Would you like to send a letter to e, and ask him his advice? Just leave a question in the comments. THANK YOU!

5 thoughts on “Letters to -e-

  1. Well, the crackheads have a knack for not staying down even if it’s in their best interest. It’s best to puncho till their unconcho. Keep giving him mora till he stays on the floora.

  2. Words of wisdom from Chicago!
    Man, my friend is a housing cop in Brooklyn. He told me once that fucking mace doesn’t even work on those guys when they are wired!!!!

  3. It seems that sooner or later we will all be killed by crazed crack heads…. Get the jump on everyone and put it on your Amazon.Com wishlist! ;o)

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