Man, I hate shaving.
People think I use a cheese grater.
What the hell was I thinking back when I was 14?
“OOH! I can’t wait till I’m a grown up and I can grow a beard! Hell, Some Spanish girls on the block already have mustaches… and they’re only 11!”
“I’m gonna lather my face up, I’ll shave… and then splash my face with Aqua Velva and scream like that kid FROM Home Alone*.”
(*Yes. Home Alone came out 10 years later. I’m a prophet and can see the future. Don’t question me.)
Tonight, I decided to take a shortcut… I put Nair on my face. Just the parts around the goatee that I normally slice up and bleed like Charles Manson was my barber.
HOLY FUCKING S#!T MOTHER OF JEBUS!!!!!! I HAVE 15TH DEGREE BURNS!!!!
I turn to the side and I can see parts of my exposed jawbone!
How many of you women come to this site… and NONE of you can warn me that Nair burns like hell???? The smell of burning flesh took me back to when I had my hair permed at 19 (Don’t ask. It was 1984. My friends all had Jhericurls back then, ok?).
UPDATE It’s an hour later… I’m loaded on morphine, and I feel a little better.
Just one question…
How long until I stop looking like I just walked through an Apache line of gay guys bitchslapping me? I can’t go to work like this??!!??