It was a lovely brisk morning in downtown Stroudsburg, today. The foliage, amid the freshly fallen snow last night, had given our town a “Rockwell-esque” setting.
With my two buttered rolls and my morning soda, I briskly hurried to work.
The school crossing guard greeted me with “Have a nice day sir!”
I froze in my tracks and said to myself “What the fuck??!!??”
Look. I’m from the streets of Brooklyn… N-Y-C, okay?
I’ve had a *lot* of people try to scam and rob me, always engaging in a conversation first…
I never woulda expected it from some 142 year old crossing guard.
Yo, I was putting a stop to this shit. Do not pass go. Nuh-uh.
My first impulse was to pull out my .9mm, and cock the thing against her old, wrinkled forehead (just to scare the shit out of her), but I said, “nah”… she’d, like, die of a fucking heart attack, and somebody would blame me… watch.
So I just decided to chill, and just confront the old bitch. If she tried something, take my watch, or anything, I’d bitchslap her into the next township….
“Yo, what did you fucking say to me???”, I said politely, yet assertively.
“Excuse me???”, she blinks innocently.
Oh, she’s good. I decide to change my approach.
“Lemme ask you something, do you think you’re setting a good example to these kids by talking to a TOTAL FUCKING STRANGER????”
*start knocking on her grey skull*, “Heeellllloooooo????”
“AAAAAAAAH! Get away from me, you lunatic!!!! Or I’ll get the cops” she retorts back.
“I thought so.”, I said.
Shrugged my shoulders and left.
Later on, I heard her at the deli. Bantering on and on about how New Yorkers are ruining the Poconos with their bad attitudes…
Heeeeeey, I got yer “attitude” right here, ya old bitch!