So you wanna be me…

1. You have to be a professional slacker. You must possess the ability to put on an “intense concentration look”, and be able to fool anyone who passes your cubicle thinking that you are not only *working*, but waaay *too busy* to be bothered with their petty crisis.

2. You must be impervious to intense cold. Why? Because you’re on a 15 minute smoke break every twenty minutes. It’s 37° outside, and your leather coat hasn’t zippered up in two years. Sure you can wear the big, dorky parka you have at home. But you look so damn good in the leather coat, y’know?

3. You must be able to work at lightning speed. Your boss is coming back FROM a retreat tomorrow, and three days of work (including his, of course) is sitting in front of you. However, you have just spent the past two days, seven hours, and 37 minutes surfing blogs, chatting on IM, and playing Snood. You have exactly TWO MINUTES to look like you did 24 hours worth of work…

… after you take your 1/2 hour lunch break, of course.
(Imagine if I just worked like this all the time… we can lay off a whole department.)

4. You must be unpredictable. Everybody loves a good conga line to break the monotony of balancing figures and making budget. Unless you deal with people that have come to expect an insult or a put-down the minute you have them in your sights. Some people need certain constants, y’know?

5. Sleep is for the weak. If only caffeine pills worked indefinitely. Not that the little grey guys with spears running around after being awake for 72 straight hours isn’t the darn cutest thing you ever hallucinated. Well there was one time where this little grey guy (I call him Charly.) well, he got INTO the fish tank and…

6. Be fucking wierd. I mean really? Who wants friends??? They’re pains in the asses, asking favors, borrowing money. However, when you need it? You’d be amazed what people will do for you, and actually *give* you money (instead of lend) in an effort to get the hell away FROM you before anyone sees them.

Staring at people intensely, like you can read their mind…? It unnerves people something fierce.

So does following a conversation between two foreigners, nodding your head, and laughing like you understand them.

(Warning: Look annoyed if they start talking to you. They’re fucking with you, saying things like, “You’re a dickhead, right?”, “You like little boys, right?”.. People are fucked up that way. Non-English-speaking assholes.)

5 thoughts on “So you wanna be me…

  1. Ha! I’ve got you beat sweetie!! I haven’t done actual work, at work in MONTHS!! I just spread the proof and the foul all over my desk. It looks such a mess that everyone is positive that I am swamped!! LMAO!! :op

  2. OMG, Maria!!!! YES!!! The old “Cluttered Desk” trick! You MUST be a “professional slacker”, as I forgot to mention that one LOL!!!! (I was thinking about that one as I was putting this together during my 12th or 14th smoke break this morning).

    Tell me, do you have a special “junk drawer” in your desk, where you keep old files, papers and disks so you can pull them out and make mountains on your desk so people REALLY think you’re swamped???? :0)

  3. E, yes I do!!! I even have stuff on the computer like that! Quark docs and PDF files that look soooo complicated when you open them that no one even DARES to ask!!! LMAO!!! When I leave for a smoke break, I always make sure one of those files is open on the computer too! Plus I leave my chair in such a way that it looks like I just JUMPED up and RAN for some emergency!!! *ROTFLMAO*!!!!! ;o)

  4. The real trick is to turn one simple ten minute job into a four hour one, like I do…also helps when your boss is computer illeterate. C’mon, do you really think it takes me four hours to set one simple business card? 😉 Shit, I need a smoke now…

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