Here’s a nifty little spell to summon a Succubus. For those not familiar with them, they’re the female version of the Incubus… nasty little demons that have sex with you while you sleep.
The bad news is Incubi outnumber Succubi 9 to 1.
Figures, right guys? Even in the Underworld you find yourself on a waiting list.
I bounced off a post in the Pocono Forums about ghosts to read about The Brown Lady of Rainham Hall. After that scared the crap out of me, I bounced to all sorts of supernatural phenomenon, Poltergeists to Banshees and finally to the Succubus.
Now, I’m open to the concept of some wild stuff…. but I think Incubi and Succubi are the products of someone’s wishful thinking in the Middle Ages. At an age of sexual repression where just about everything was a “no-no”, how convenient for these horny little demons to show up and cause unexplained pregnancies with unmarried women and sticky sheets for monks?
Even more hilarious is this site: Succubus Hunter.
The premise is that this unimaginably hot woman picks up this average, unattractive guy at a bar and…. OH NO, SHE’S A SUCCUBUS!!! He’s held captive as a sex slave, he escapes with his life, and puts out a plea for some kind of Succubus Hunter to take out this chick and her army of succubi before they find him while he’s in hiding.
Hopefully, this guy has this story copywritten, because it’s better than any horror movie I’ve ever seen.
But wait… it gets even better! Hilarity ensues in his message board (for the record, this guy hasn’t made an appearance in four years and is presumed dead. How very convenient.) It’s a built in nut magnet that brings out “Living Vampires”, Warlocks and Witches galore who are all threatening to kill each other on the message board (because obviously pressing “submit” works easier on the internet than casting a hex or two).
Here are the two best posts I’ve found:
You don’t know the half of it. You should be far more worried about the QUEER incubuses. Tho its still dying, there’s got to be worse ways of going than being fuckde by a beautiful woman, and one of them is getting three feet of unholy luncheon meat up your tradesman’s entrance, especially if your no shirtlifter yourself. I know, becaus I was seduced by the incubus of brown love, “Goa T’se” who comes in pints from the ancient east, and I only just survived. Medical photograpphy was carried out on my injuries. And I have proof of the creature also. I managed to photograph the beast as he relaxed afterward, thinking he left me for dead. For the proof go to my url. But I warn you that the pictures are not for the fiant hearted. http://www.goatse.cx/ Please, if you survive the shock that these buggers are cruising around and could be anyone wearing really baggy jeans, please tell me if there is any way to seal myself from the attacking Beelzebumboys.
– January 03, 2001 at 21:33:53 (EST)
(If you’re an old-schooler and remember the Goatse site…. you will laugh your ass off.)
You have your probs T…well i have mine. I heard it one night, as i attempted to sleep, in the dark recesses of my bathroom. I heard an echoing and a bubbling, the most hideous sound that could emit from an empty bathroom. Shortly after, i heard a sloshing and plopping on the tile floor. I slowly crept from my bed to find the most rancid stench emit from the darkness outside my bedroom door. I didnt want to open it, i could hear some terribly throaty gurgling breathing and these aweful ‘farting’ sounds. Imagine, the loudest walking flatus matter, it is what it sounded like, the stench to boot. I slowly opened the door, so slowly…my heart felt as though it would burst through its cage. Before, it stood like a wet large mass, its stink stung my sleepy eyes and the sounds it made, repulsed me in such a way i gagged and sputtered. It was, what all kiddies hear about at night before they go to bed, their older siblings cant wait to tell the horrid tales of the……SHIT DEMONS!!! you think having a sex crazed demon girl after your nads is bad news pal…..try having a large pile of shit on your ass!! HELP!!!!
USA – January 01, 2001 at 23:47:03 (EST)
Well, the message board is quite entertaining, and it seems a lot of really nice people have bonded there over the years (not giving a crap over the fate of the site’s host, obviously). Spammers have rendered the site all but useless, so I’ve invited them to come hang with us until they find a home….
Feel free to chat in the comments, guys.