Succubus Dating Service

SuccubusLonely?
Wife send you to the couch again?
Can’t afford a hooker?

Here’s a nifty little spell to summon a Succubus. For those not familiar with them, they’re the female version of the Incubus… nasty little demons that have sex with you while you sleep.

The bad news is Incubi outnumber Succubi 9 to 1.
Figures, right guys? Even in the Underworld you find yourself on a waiting list.

I bounced off a post in the Pocono Forums about ghosts to read about The Brown Lady of Rainham Hall. After that scared the crap out of me, I bounced to all sorts of supernatural phenomenon, Poltergeists to Banshees and finally to the Succubus.

Now, I’m open to the concept of some wild stuff…. but I think Incubi and Succubi are the products of someone’s wishful thinking in the Middle Ages. At an age of sexual repression where just about everything was a “no-no”, how convenient for these horny little demons to show up and cause unexplained pregnancies with unmarried women and sticky sheets for monks?

Even more hilarious is this site: Succubus Hunter.

The premise is that this unimaginably hot woman picks up this average, unattractive guy at a bar and…. OH NO, SHE’S A SUCCUBUS!!! He’s held captive as a sex slave, he escapes with his life, and puts out a plea for some kind of Succubus Hunter to take out this chick and her army of succubi before they find him while he’s in hiding.

Hopefully, this guy has this story copywritten, because it’s better than any horror movie I’ve ever seen.

But wait… it gets even better! Hilarity ensues in his message board (for the record, this guy hasn’t made an appearance in four years and is presumed dead. How very convenient.) It’s a built in nut magnet that brings out “Living Vampires”, Warlocks and Witches galore who are all threatening to kill each other on the message board (because obviously pressing “submit” works easier on the internet than casting a hex or two).

Here are the two best posts I’ve found:

You don’t know the half of it. You should be far more worried about the QUEER incubuses. Tho its still dying, there’s got to be worse ways of going than being fuckde by a beautiful woman, and one of them is getting three feet of unholy luncheon meat up your tradesman’s entrance, especially if your no shirtlifter yourself. I know, becaus I was seduced by the incubus of brown love, “Goa T’se” who comes in pints from the ancient east, and I only just survived. Medical photograpphy was carried out on my injuries. And I have proof of the creature also. I managed to photograph the beast as he relaxed afterward, thinking he left me for dead. For the proof go to my url. But I warn you that the pictures are not for the fiant hearted. http://www.goatse.cx/ Please, if you survive the shock that these buggers are cruising around and could be anyone wearing really baggy jeans, please tell me if there is any way to seal myself from the attacking Beelzebumboys.
A Survivor
– January 03, 2001 at 21:33:53 (EST)

(If you’re an old-schooler and remember the Goatse site…. you will laugh your ass off.)

Aaaand….

You have your probs T…well i have mine. I heard it one night, as i attempted to sleep, in the dark recesses of my bathroom. I heard an echoing and a bubbling, the most hideous sound that could emit from an empty bathroom. Shortly after, i heard a sloshing and plopping on the tile floor. I slowly crept from my bed to find the most rancid stench emit from the darkness outside my bedroom door. I didnt want to open it, i could hear some terribly throaty gurgling breathing and these aweful ‘farting’ sounds. Imagine, the loudest walking flatus matter, it is what it sounded like, the stench to boot. I slowly opened the door, so slowly…my heart felt as though it would burst through its cage. Before, it stood like a wet large mass, its stink stung my sleepy eyes and the sounds it made, repulsed me in such a way i gagged and sputtered. It was, what all kiddies hear about at night before they go to bed, their older siblings cant wait to tell the horrid tales of the……SHIT DEMONS!!! you think having a sex crazed demon girl after your nads is bad news pal…..try having a large pile of shit on your ass!! HELP!!!!
DoGmA
USA – January 01, 2001 at 23:47:03 (EST)

Well, the message board is quite entertaining, and it seems a lot of really nice people have bonded there over the years (not giving a crap over the fate of the site’s host, obviously). Spammers have rendered the site all but useless, so I’ve invited them to come hang with us until they find a home….

Feel free to chat in the comments, guys.

18 thoughts on “Succubus Dating Service

  1. LOL! LOL! *Falls Off Her Chair Laughing*

    DUDE! U ROCK!!! I am not into this sorta supernatrual stuff as am a Christian but I do think Sex Demons are real but am not as fucked up as our so called “T” who is supposedly on the run from some horny ass female sex demons…I be straight up honest…I think those are some pissed off ex girlfriends of his after his fat lard ass…trust me…a pissed off woman is far more worst than some pissed off succubus…for we make ya wish it was a succubus…espeacially when we got PMS…I don’t speak from experince but i seen my mom when she is miserable and she is forever tormenting me and shit! I am starting to think she is Satan herself *JOKE* Here is nother joke , I work with this bitch at work and she is the only one who I can’t fucking stand…after visiting “SUCCUBUS HUNTER” site…and reading his posts and all that…I started calling that same bitch at my work a succubus…not to her face or to anyone (cuz they would surely think I lost my marbles or be like “Was that?” and I dare not explain it to them or they wll think am some sick fuck who need to get laid)…but if succubusses are indeed real…than I work with one *JOKE* Which is sorta scary for the men clients who come in my work place…*LOL*

    Anyways, you got an awesome site…am not into this supernatural stuff for am more of a down to earth sorta gal who visits mainly fan sites for actors, actresses, movies, tv shows, and shit like that…I own a few sites myself but nothing like ya sorta sites or like “T”‘s sites…I would say… part of me believe in some of this supernatural stuff but I can tell when someone is talking pure bullshit from the actual thing…I wanna add that being a Christian and know how God works and the mysteries of life work..maybe we ain’t meant to know some stuff (i.e. Succubusses & Incubuses and other supernatural stuff) cuase till the other day when my pc broke down and wzn’t workin properly…i started researching demons for some crazy ass reason…just for curiousity and I came across this site bout sex demons…natrually I laughed and read it out of curiosity and when I read it…I found I experinced some of the stuff this person talked bout than I continue my search and found “T”‘s site and for a moment there, I thought his ass was dead serious for real than I read the “I Was Betrayed By A Incubus” story and was like “TIS IS A LOAD OF BULLSHIT!” Right off the back that story cried out it was made up…or exaggeratted…whatever it was…I didn’t believe it but I will add was a damn good read. And that last report bout his friend’s penis JUST HAD TO BE FAKE AS HELL…but once gain damn good read…

    Tellin ya…those stories and posts would make for a damn good horror movie!!! Would top Excorcist (sp?) and the Omen put together…

    Anyways, thank you for inviting me to join ya forum and visit ya site…cute lil site!

    VH

  2. Do you actually have a forum? If not, I know u don’t know me but I could setup an actual forum for you for free on your domain where people can meet up and chat and share “interesting” stories and have a good laugh…cuz I will tell you this…ya most recent blog has me cracking up…I love when people make paraodies of sex demons and other supernatural stuff…is funny as hell…now i hope I don’t piss one demon or sex demon off by saying that…but is true…tis like watching Exorcist (sp?) Repossessed..ever seen it? With Linda Blair all grown up with a family and got possessed gain by the devil and the first time she puked on her kids…they are like “DAAAAD!!! MOM’S GOT PMS GAIN!!!” If you haven’t seen it…go rent it…is a good laugh. Or is like Scary Movie (starring Marlon & Damon Wayans, Elizabeth Shannon (sp?), & A Few Others)…

    Anyways, I like ya site and stories…tis good and funny! If you need help with setting up an actual forum (like this one at this link:
    http://fan-forums.org/), I be glad to setup one for you…I think if you done this…ya forum be total kick ass and a great place to meet new friends and meet other folks and share insteresting “SUPERNATURAL STORIES” and have a damn good laugh!!!!

    BTW, my actual screen name is “Pandora” (from “Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles”…if you are familiar with her stories and characters you will know “Pandora” is lover of “Marius de Romanus” the ancient Roman Vampire who is an artist…I think he was roman…I forget and I should know as am an Anne Rice Fan…i know shame, ain’t it? I don’t know the actual backgrounds of these popular characters *LOL*). Just used “Van Helsing” (which is actually my favorite film) on that “Succubus Hunter” site cause I didn’t trust it…in case they got some weirdos and freaks who read it…or the owner themselve could be some weirdo and freak as they got my IP address from my postings on their message board…I was just being cautious on there…but you seem kewl…sane…level headed *smiles brightly*

  3. Repossessed..ever seen it?

    I loved Repossessed! (Well, any Leslie Nielsen movie, actually)
    Dad: “Well kids, in those days people took the names of what they did for a living. ‘Blacksmith’, ‘Carpenter’….”
    Kid: “What did John Hancock do for a living?”

    And when they asked on the Ouija board if Ted Kennedy would ever be president and the piece flew out of their hand and made the model car fall into the fish tank…. HILARIOUS!!!!

    As far as making a message board, I can install one right off the server control panel. You’re more than welcome to give it a look of you’d like. Let’s see if there’s any more interest in making one.

    This T guy just struck me as someone just looking for attention. Probably inspired by the Blair Witch project. The girl in the photo may have been an ex he was trying to get even with too…. who knows. Those were my thoughts on the site.

    Pleasure to meet you Pandora.

  4. Course I would luv to help you out. Wanna hear something funny? And am not a succubus…so don’t have a heartattack. I use to be on this British Chatroom and was a HUGE TEASE…one time I got some guy all hot and horny and just bounced (got a lil too heated for this lil chicca, so I took off like a bat out of hell). And he got pissed and left a message on my profile guestbook saying I was a succubus. I had an idea of what a succubus was and I was like “KEWL!” Cuz I was like…”Oh, now am viewed as some hot lil number?! KEWL!” cuz in reality am no looker…I mean I ain’t overweight like that “T” dude but I don’t consider myself an attractive woman due to bad case of acne although men are like ‘Your Cute” and “I cant resist you”…I know is only hormones talking and they are horny as fuck…but anyways, after researching the succubus and now I know what they REALLY are (and yes I know they don’t exsist in human form) but still…now that I know the truth…am now offended cuz that prick called me a succubus…is kewl..he was ugly as fuck and probaly ticked off cuz he can’t get real ass…Sorry, went off a bit there.

    But anyways, if you need help with your forum…I be glad to assist you. I think it be fun and I think back in the day when T’s site forum was active (before the spammers overtook it)…I read some of the archive messages…I think it would of been fun…I mean just for a good laugh and meet others…just found it funny tis all…but yah, I see a few others who are looking to continue that forum from T’s site (spamfree)…am intersted too. Ya awfully kind to wanna take in some peeps from some site bout succubusses…me, I wouldn’t be so warm and welcoming with my sites…I be like “HELLS NO!!!” cuz you never know what sorta weirdoes are out there…but that is kewl you are inviting those of us from there who actually care to continue discussions from that site on some other forum.

    But I say, we send that site link to some film producer or something…see if it could become some movie…i would luv to see it as a movie…that be total kick ass!!! Atleast send it to sci-fi channel…I know they probaly do a movie on it!!! *LOL*

  5. OOOO!!!! Sorry bout the double/multipost!!! I didn’t mean to SPAM!!! DAMN TIS PC!!!! Is messed up at the moment…my apologies

    (Editor’s note – Like I explained in my email, the posts were thrown in a comments queue as it probably picked up keywords and thought it was spam, so it didn’t show up on the site immediately. It’s all fixed now. -=e=-)

  6. Oh believe me… it was all the normal comments toward the end of the guestbook that led me to want to offer them a new cyberhome. All the early posts where people were making death threats… hell, I wouldn’t have even wanted to let my presence be known with those nutjobs!

    You think I’m normal and relatively sane???
    Yeesh… you must have met some winners on the web in your time!

  7. Actually, I be honest…I met a few that made me question their sanity and a few hackers (who fucked up my pc and killed my trust in net people). But prior to that these sorta people, I was on a british chatroom and first time I ever got close to a group of people from UK who I considered my net family and to this day we are still close net family. I met them back in Feb of 2002 in England. Wz fun! I guess if I meet someone or a few people off here and we become really good friends…I would get use to them and start to trust them. But am not dumb as fuck to completly trust them. And yah, compare to some shitz I met on the net…your like an heavenly angel…and I say that from what I read on that message board on T’s site and it’s archived messages as well as on other message boards…people like you have the souls and hearts of heavenly angels…there are worst out there…*looks at the weirdoes on T’s site*

    *LOL* Anyways, take care!

  8. Just had to drop by. Your name sounds familiar…or maybe I’m thinking of a slightly more famous Eric Brooks? Hey, I grew up in Pennsylvania too…it’s a great place to be FROM, since I now live on the west coast. And I never blog…I write COMMENTARY. There’s a huge difference. Trix is for kids…and so is blogging. I refuse to commit the abominable crime of bloggery. I agree that the “succuboard” is a silly hoax, but really now…a movie? It’s about as original a concept as “vampires with AIDS” or “vampire slayers” or “dumb buddy films”…but make it a comedy, and I’ll help write it.

  9. To Comedywriter:

    By any chance is this Dartz (Inson41@hotmail.com) from the Succubus Hunter Board? And we talked on MSN and shared some stories ideas about how we could write a story or movie based on the Succubus Hunter experince????

    If so, why do you mock our ideas for wanting to do a movie on his experince? You yourself said it make a damn good movie…you sound like a hypocrite. And waz wrong with blogging? There is no harm in blogging…some of us find it theraputic and a way of connecting with other likeminded individuals plus tis his site to do as he please…

    And I think I read some of your messages in the Archived Messages on the Succubus Hunter Site…from what I seen…the others (including those succubus wannabes) ain’t really like you much, did they now? Was quiet funny to read what they had to say about you…they CHUMPED you!

    Anyways, am not here to argue…was just standing up for my newfound friend “Eric” (aka the site owner) as I didn’t like how you sounded in your comment…

    Have a good night.

    ~Pandora~

  10. Hey Comedywriter!

    Dude, I am sick of vampires! Succubus is the new Vampirella!

    A supernatural hottie popping in to give a sleeping guy some pooty has great potential. I don’t know about a sitcom (except maybe on HBO) though.

    Think of the merchandising! All the little kids on halloween in their cute little costumes explaining to old man jones what a a succubus is while he clutches his heart and drops the bowl of candy!

    I’m originally from NYC… and from my experience every Eric Brooks that pops by this site is amazed that there’s another “Eric Brooks” in the world, apparently don’t own a phone book, and they all have egomaniacal tendencies…. only I flaunt my superiority over all those megalomaniacs because I snagged this domain before them.

    I have a love/hate relationship with blogging… so I hear ya. Don’t be a stranger, and thanks for stopping by!

  11. Woops! *blushes softly* Didn’t know he wz a buddy of urs Eric! I got the wrong impression…maybe should mind my own business…I sometimes get like that with friends…bit protective if I see someone talk negatively towards them…forgive me?

    Laters!

    ~Pandora~

  12. Nope. Never met him in my life….
    Rip him to shreds, my lil’ Sweet pea! :0)

    Nah, just kidding…. we’re all kindred spirits here (ok, Well, I *try* to a comedian, but doesn’t always work….).

    There’s room here for everyone…. and if you fumble enough behind my couch cushions you may find an semi-edible twinkie or sandwich or something…. PARTY!!!!!

  13. The ripping to shreds bit…how bout you summon a sexy succubus to fuck him to death? That way he can die a peaceful and happy death *LOL* Just messin around…had to say that…*LOL*

    Hey, the only kind of fumbling am goin to do on ya couch (if I find a hottie @ ya party) is the type where you get intimately closer to another someone of the opposite sex *winx*

    *LOL*

  14. how bout you summon a sexy succubus to fuck him to death?

    Heeeey, No fair!!!! How come the new guy gets to have all the fun????? 🙂

    Hot guys…? HERE?
    The hot guys drop in on Thursday.

  15. Would u rather be fucked to death? Shit! You got issues! *LOL*

    I would think ya ass would wanna live to see another day than be fucked to death…no matter how sexy she is…ya ass is grass once she is done with you…no more fucks!

  16. No, I’m not anybody either of you have met before. And my main beef about “bloggery” is that a “web log” is nothing more than a plain generic diary, all geeked out for the “e-generation” who has to give it a media-happy name. To most people of my generation, “blog” is the sound a bag of garbage makes when it hits the ground – and garbage is what a lot of “ego-blogs” contain rather than good content. Ever heard of the infamous “Rance” blog? There’s a prime example. Thousands of people are speculating on the celebritiy identity of that guy, and I’ve yet to see what great contribution he’s made to the world in real life OR as an anonymous ego self-inflator. True, there’s some good stuff out there – some people who should be doing news on CNN rather than being a “pop culture footnote” on CNN. But most of it is the self-serving “My day was shit. Here’s today’s bitchfest…”

  17. All my net palies have blogs…some of them use them to keep us (their net pals) up to date on their lives and wz up with it as well as some use it theraputically due to depression and other shit. I personally use it for therapy cuz my ass suffers from depression and I live in a fuckin fantasy world *LOL*…actually the last part bout fantasy world was a joke but is true I suffer from depression and other shit…so that is the main reason why I blog…to express my true thoughts and feelins. Those who read it and comment…some become good friend who can relate to me and we keep in touch cause we help each other out thru rough times in our lives cuz as you know life can be a real fuckin bitch at times… I am goin to start blogging again…I just try to install a blogger on my domain but failed…I think my pc fucked it up since it ain’t workin properly… But I think blogs are cool…I think Eric’s blog (well the latest entry was atleast) is freaking funny!!!! Eric! You should blog more like your last one (this entry)!!!! It was freakin funny!!!! So, ya got any hot incubus who is filthy rich? I am a gold digger lookin for a filthy rich incubus who is secure in a good job…*Falls Off Chair Laughing*…you gotta admitt…they maybe real but in the forms of a human? Rite! As if! Be kewl if it was true though…but the christian in me is saying…”Oh…Boy!!! I sense some major conflict between good and evil in the near future for this young lady….” *LOL*

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