Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-07-10

Read more of my obnoxious statuses by following me on Twitter:

  • Happy 4th Everyone. AMERICA, F**K YEAH! #
  • Photo: From the Cast & Crew of EricBrooks.Com… #
  • #fatpeoplenightmares – Putting their bra on backwards… and it fits better. #
  • RT @foxnewspolitics: BREAKING NEWS: President @BarackObama assassinated, 2 gunshot wounds have proved too much. It’s a sad 4th for #amer#
  • Oh sorry Republicans, it was just a false alarm. #SYKE #
  • My doctor told me I need to lose weight, and I said I want a second opinion. So he told me I’m a douchebag too. #
  • I just tried to join a Tourette’s Facebook Group, but they told me to F**K off. #
  • Hey, want to make $1,000 a day? Yeah, me too. This link wont help, but it’s my website and it’s filled with goofiness. #
  • I finally broke down and sent this off to my ex: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.” #

  • HELL YEAH!!! Turn this UP! #
  • I plan on deactivating my Facebook page for a while. No retarded Conspiracy Theories please. #
  • Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can’t get one unless you already have one. #
  • I used to play sports. Then I found out you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. 😀 #
  • “Oh, btw, I saw what u did there…” #tweetthecaption #
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #
  • One time in Atlantic City, I got kicked out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table. #
  • Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, when the first thing I had to do tonite was stand up and say, ‘My name is Eric and I’m an alcoholic’? #
  • <3 Backatcha. #
  • To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. #
  • Have you ever made fun of someone so much, you felt you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had? #
  • Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. #
  • Make your own online girlfriend. That will shut up all those people calling you a “LOSER” on Facebook – *snicker* #
  • RT @TehEvilPenguin: has returned! Getting the classics up, new content to be dished out by August! #
  • I’m going out clubbing this weekend. I’m going to beat my record of 10 baby seals. #
  • Hi! Welcome to the ‘Coping with Alzheimer’s’ Website. Please enter your 16-digit user code to continue… #
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now. #
  • Native Nueva Yawkas all over the the planet are proud right now. Need I say more? #
  • Sometimes, I like to put crushed egg shells under my pillow in the hopes I will get a visit from the Bacon Fairy. #
  • Did anyone hear about that cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t keep her pupils straight? #
  • New Article: You Either ‘Get It’… or You Don’t. #
  • Getting married for sex is like buying an airline for the free peanuts. #

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Disclaimer: The views expressed herein are solely those of Eric Brooks. They do not necessarily reflect those of his employers, friends, contacts, family, or even his pets (though my cat, Puddy, seems to agree with me on many key issues.). In accordance to my terms of use, you hereby acknowledge my right to psychoanalyze you, practice accupuncture, and mock you incessantly with every visit. As the user, you also acknowledge that the author has been legally declared a "Problem Adult" by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, and is therefore not responsible for any of his actions.