Dear Democratic Party:
OMG, you friggin’ people suck.
I came across this revelation as I walked Stroudsburg on my lunch hour, and I tripped over a wino.
You know what? I was convinced even HE could have beaten Bush in this election.
Americans all agree that Dubya is the kind of guy you’d want to have a beer with.
Well, guess what? My wino friend is already there, man!
Come up with all the conspiracy theories you want (Jewish touch screen voting machines by gay Halliburton martians, whatever…) Look, Bush won the election. He was winning Ohio when I went to bed at 3AM.
Now you are going to rack your brains out for the next four years going “where did we go wrong?”
Fact is, you fucking people don’t listen. You make the same mistakes over and over. You did it in 2000, you did it in 1988… you’re gonna do it again in 2008.
Here. A Visual with shadow puppets:
Republican Shadow Puppet: “Hel-lo my constituents!”
Democrat Shadow Puppet: “Look out! He’s going to do something mean!”
Republican Shadow Puppet: “That was vicious! You hurt my feelings!”
Democrat Shadow Puppet: “Ooh! I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry! Let me Give you a hug!”
Republican Shadow Puppet: (*Baseball bat over the head*) “HAH! GOT YOU AGAIN SUCKER!”
Democrat Shadow Puppet: “That hurt, you meanie!”
Republican Shadow Puppet: “Oh, cry me a river, so I can build you a bridge and you can get over it.”
Still don’t get it?
Newsflash: Being labeled a “LIBERAL” is NOT a good thing!
You know what your average American thinks when they hear “liberal”?
They think, wimp, pansy, pussy….
They remember Michael Dukakis and his cracking girly voice proclaiming how he’s a “card-carrying member of the ACLU” that lets rapists out on furlough. They think of Jimmy Carter and how he let some pissy little Iranians make us look like assholes by holding hostages for over a year.
But nooooooo, instead of cold-cocking your opponent, you try to wear that label like a badge of honor.
Bush broke things down in simple relatable terms…
You picked an ugly-as-sin egghead FROM Massachussets that thinks we know what “nookular proliferation” means…
Bush has America convinced that he will kick a terrorist’s ass where he stands…
Bush also convinced America that Kerry will challenge Zarqawi and Kim Jong Il to a stimulating game of chess to defeat them.
Bush nailed one thing in the debates… he accused Kerry of “making decisions based on popular opinion”.
That’s ALL you motherfuckers. (Have I mentioned that I think you all suck?)
Where were you when Patriot Act I & II passed?
Where were you when Bush turned a $4 trillion surplus INTO a $7 trillion deficit?
Where were you when 11 States passed Gay marriage bans yesterday?
Where were you when you when Colin Powell couldn’t even prove to the U.N. that Saddam even had a pack of firecrackers?
Where was the outrage when the RNC mocked every person that ever bled for this country by putting purple heart band-aids on their chubby little faces?
Oh right… you were afraid of the big, nasty NeoCons. DeLay might call you “UnPatriotic”. Dick Cheney may tell you to “Go Fuck Yourself”.
You’re supposed to be the opposition party. To keep keep each other in CHECK so our kids don’t end up HAVING ketchup packets as their veggies…
But you were afwaiiiiiiid!!!!!! Terry McAuliffe and Mary Beth Cahill wanted to be “fair and play nice” after you all tore each other apart in the primaries and gave the Republicans more ammo than they knew what to do with.
This is post-911 America, you pussies. We’re mean. We’re angry.
If you can’t handle Karl Rove… what the hell are you going to do against Osama bin Laden?
Effective immediately: I want the Libertarian Party to take the place of the Democrats as our 2nd party.
Democrats: You ARE the weakest link…. good bye.
PS: John McCain, Wesley Clark, Michael Badnarik, if you are reading this… for all that is Holy… RUN IN 2008!!!!
I have no I dea who I’d vote for, but DAMN that will be a good race!
(Aw fuck it… my money’s on the wino.)