{"id":967,"date":"2005-04-19T13:02:32","date_gmt":"2005-04-19T18:02:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ericbrooks.com\/whuzzup\/?p=967"},"modified":"2011-06-05T17:50:23","modified_gmt":"2011-06-05T22:50:23","slug":"introducing-pope-benny","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ericbrooks.com\/whuzzup\/introducing-pope-benny\/","title":{"rendered":"Introducing&#8230; POPE BENNY!!!!"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Benedict XVI: German cardinal elected pope<br \/>\n&#8220;Just call me &#8216;Der Pope&#8217;&#8230;&#8221;  his eminence humbly insists.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" style=\"margin-left: 10px;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.ericbrooks.com\/images\/posts\/pope_benny.gif\" border=\"0\" alt=\"Pope Benny XVI\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" align=\"right\" \/>VATICAN CITY &#8211; Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, a hard-line guardian of conservative doctrine, was elected the new pope Tuesday evening in the first conclave of the new millennium. He chose the name Pope Benedict XVI and called himself &#8220;a simple, humble worker.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Awwww yeah!!!! LET&#8217;S GET READY TO HUMBLLLLLLLLE!<span style=\"color: red;\">*<\/span><br \/>\nFor those of you hoping for a kinder, gentler Pope who will ease up and allow birth control and priests marrying, and gay rights? FORGET IT!<br \/>\nNo more of that sissy &#8220;Easter\/Christmas&#8221; crap for you! I wouldn&#8217;t be surprised if the following decrees are canonized post haste:<br \/>\n<!--more--><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Repeal of that heretical Vatican II nonsense. <\/strong> &#8211;  In order to save your souls before it&#8217;s too late,  Der Popenf\u00fchrer will make up all the time lost by forbidding you to eat meat on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Accusations of pedophiles among the priesthood<\/strong> &#8211;  Prove it! These little bastards will be thrown straight to hell if they don&#8217;t keep their mouths shut!<\/li>\n<li><strong>Heretics<\/strong> &#8211; A return to burning at the stake of all Pagans, Atheists, Protestants, and Michael Moore fans<\/li>\n<li><strong>Excommunication<\/strong> &#8211;  Besides the regular blasphemies, anyone cracking &#8220;Cheers&#8221; or &#8220;Cliff Klaven&#8221; jokes within earshot of his popeness&#8230; will find themselves without a church.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Any questions on how the Pope was selected, please see <strong>Adam Felber&#8217;s &#8220;The Vatican&#8217;s Quick Guide to Smoke&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span class=\"disclaimer2\"><span style=\"color: red;\">*<\/span> Yeah, I stole that from Family Guy. Wanna make something of it?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Benedict XVI: German cardinal elected pope&apos;Just call me &apos;Der Pope&apos;&#8230;&apos;  his eminence humbly insists.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-967","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-religion"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Introducing... 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