‘What did she win an Oscar for, playing a broomstick in a corner??!!?’

Aurora, Illinois (AP) – For International Women’s Day, and the Premiere of Marvel’s Captain Marvel, we sat down and spoke with an expert on both… A Men’s Rights Activist named Marty Cohen.

“It’s so frustrating,” Cohen confesses, “Us guys want to teach her a lesson about hating ‘White Dudes’… but what can we do? She got no ass, no tiddies, and she always looks bored. Like someone is reading her the ingredients of gluten-free cereal! I can’t fap to this!”

To my horror, he pulls up a picture of Ms. Larson on his laptop and proceeds to whip his ding ding out.

“Yeah come on, baby! Time for some White Dude dick! Who’s your da…. ARRRRGH! WTF! WHAT DID SHE WIN AN OSCAR FOR, PLAYING A BROOMSTICK IN A CORNER?”

Totally defeated from her lack of sex appeal, I left Marty Cohen to quietly sob, as he put a Hot Pocket in the microwave (with unwashed hands), and fired up his XBox to cheer himself up.