As published on MySpace – August 31st 2008

This is a followup to Kelly Jo’s “What Nice Guys Say and What they REALLY Mean“. We were supposed to do it as a co-blog… but everything needs to be a big production with me. So here it is, two days later.

There’s a difference between a genuinely nice guy (lower case) and a “Nice Guy” (capital letters). A nice guy is just a decent person looking to have fun and connect with people online. Nothing wrong with being a flirt either… it makes the online community that much more livelier.

The “Nice Guy,” however, is a predator of the “Jekyll & Hyde” variety. Eager to appear as a “Knight in Shining Armour” in front of everyone… but behind the scenes, they keep their nasty side hidden until they have enough popularity and your personal information to hold you hostage emotionally for as long as it amuses them.

There is *ALWAYS* an ulterior motive behind what they say and do.

Signs of a Nice Guy:
• Agrees with *everything* you say and do. Expressing your opinions as their own.
• Appeals to an emotional argument rather than a logical one, and ready to “leap to the rescue and spring into action” to impress the object of his affections.
• Would prefer to continue the relationship out of the public eye (i.e.: emails, IM, phone, etc)
• Uses some kind of a traumatic event in his life (real, imagined, or greatly exaggerated) as a backdrop to gain sympathy and explain his uncharacteristic outbursts and wanting you to open up and share your pain and personal details with them.
  
  
• Moving the relationship too fast, or beyond your comfort levels… while reminding you of his past trauma, earning your trust through pity, and using it as an excuse to cross the line.
  
  
• Tries to get information out of your friends that you were already reluctant to give him when asked.
• Openly hostile toward/feeling threatened by Alpha Males. They’re “suck ups” at first, but once they get popular by association… they set out to prove they’re “different” from the other guys.
• You feel you’re constantly being “watched” and “monitored” by the Nice Guy. Being stifled and unable to express yourself freely without getting a private message of disapproval from him. A feeling of “suffocation”.

In reality, the Nice Guy is a pathetic little chameleon. A “Walter Mitty” type.  He’s whiny, self-centered and very insecure. You’re too busy opening up to this “too good to be true” guy to notice he’s only sharing with you what he *WANTS* you to know about him.

He uses sympathy as a vehicle to get sex out of you (while trying to convince you that guy you were looking at is a douchebag only interested in getting sex out of you. Ironic, no?). He will keep trying to cross the line to see if you are ready yet (and getting creepier by the second).

But if you call him on it…

WATCH OUT! You’re about to see the nasty side of him that he works so hard to keep out of the public eye.

No point in telling anyone, is there? Who will believe you? He’s such a nice guy everyone will think you’re crazy! He probably has enough of your personal info by now that he’ll think nothing of making your personal life a living hell in retaliation.

A Real Man doesn’t need to resort to these tactics, does he? Each woman has a “unique signature” about them. A man will notice it and tell them about it. Not use some “blanket generalization” that a lonely and vulnerable woman would interpret as “seeing her”. Strong independent women tend to see through the Nice Guy’s facade rather quickly… so they move on to more vulnerable prey.

An example of a Nice Guy I dealt with online:
One guy on my old message board was a real doozy! He was charming and sincere at first… but that was just to get his foot in the door. After weeks of ass kissing and gaining acceptance, he moved into his “poor me” stage. His first wife died, and his second wife left him for another man…

This of course, tugged on a lot of heartstrings.
(OK. Read the rest before you decide I’m a heartless prick. Please?)

He was more than happy to listen to other people’s problems (providing of course you were willing to listen to him twice as much.). He then became the “Defender of the Women,” tearing into any guy who dared to disagree with a female’s opinion on the board. He also couldn’t resist taking shots at me and other “top guys” that were popular; Belittling us in a way that seemed like pure projection on his part (a guy in his 50’s telling *US* we can’t get it up? HA!).

Behind the scenes he felt he deserved “pity sex” for all his hardships and trauma. He got nasty and spiteful in private to women who put him off or turned him down. One married woman in particular, who foolishly gave out her home phone number and address to him, got cards in the mail and phone calls at times when he knew her husband would be home.

As she rejected his advances further, he outright told her that her husband would “probably not approve of her activities on the board if he found out” (An indirect threat of sorts). She began to shy away from participating, fearful of the next private message from him questioning her and why is she talking to “this guy” or why she said what she did to “that guy”.

In time he pissed off enough people that I ended up giving this loser the BANHAMMER as a Christmas gift to all the ladies on the board… not to mention letting him know that a few of the “women” ol’ Cassanova cyberf**ked, were actually guys in fake female profiles messing with him. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ladies? You think the douchebags are bad? Nice Guys are WORSE. At least you know where you stand with a guy who makes his intentions crystal clear. The other weasels will grab you by your emotions and tear your heart out instead of just breaking it.

Just look for the signs and realize you are on the internet. A place where anyone can appear in any form they want. And All you know is what they’ve told you

Landing a guy is really simple: We’re all basically the same. Feed us, sleep with us, and tell us we’re the most amazing man you’ve ever met with the biggest schlongs you’ve ever seen (lie if you have to)… AND WE’RE ALL YOURS!

Stop looking for Prince Charming. He’s not on MySpace. Trust me.

Do you have any experiences with Nice Guys?
How did you handle it?

As seen on MySpace….

The latest in my self-help series on MySpace is an excerpt from my new book: “Confessions of an Internet Superhero: How I’ve Cleaned the Web up and Made it SERIOUS again“.

Well kids, in the last chapter, we covered “How to make everyone care about the same things you do”. I think it went really well, don’t you? As a result, no one says “retard”; Racism has been eradicated; Cancer and AIDS are a thing of the past; We’re all Vegans, attending church regularly, and voting for John McCain.

I like to think I had a little something to do with it.
*pats self on the back*

Recently I received a letter from a fellow Crusader for Internet Justice who shares my vision of ridding the internet of Icky Bad People (IBP).

“But Eriiiiiic…. someone disagreed with me and said I was WRONG!”

NONSENSE! An Internet Good Guy is *NEVER* wrong. We took an oath. Don’t you see? This is merely just a ploy by the haters and the bad guys to make you doubt yourself. Only stupid people disagree with you. Am I right?

The following suggestions will help you in your Online Battles and MAKE you right every time:

1- Raise an army against the forces of darkness and evil – Might makes right. It is a known fact that if 5 people or more say the same exact thing, it is Gospel Truth. Twenty or more of your friends invading the stronghold of your arch nemesis’ blog and pummeling them and their mindless minions into the ground will make them wrong FOREVER!

2- Don’t waste your time with a fake profile – Do you go to a clothing store and argue with the mannequins? No! A fake profile is someone not using their real picture, or their real name. Other signs are not disclosing personal information such as a home telephone, social security number, or where their children are in a handy hourly itinerary on their MySpace profiles. FAKES!

I don’t know how the words manage to get on the screen, but I can assure you there is no human being with a soul or feelings behind this “smoke and mirror” illusion. Clearly this is some terrorist tactic of some sort by someone with something to hide! (Unless they agree with you. Then they’re ok.)

3- Beware of the “fence sitters” and people not sharing your passion to rid an evil entity off the web – People that don’t agree with everything you say or do is SURELY a betrayal waiting to happen. Watch.

4 – Use your painful past to deflect criticism and justify your actions – As a child I was TRAUMATIZED when I saw an anvil drop off a roof and kill my uncle. Anvils are not funny. And should not be made a joke out of. If one person is not laughing. Then it simply isn’t funny is it? By extension, neither are pianos, cabinets, goats or anything else that can fall out of a building.

I remind people of this as I discuss my political and religious views occasionally. Everyone needs to be a little more sensitive toward my feelings.

What other things can you suggest to always be right on the internet?
How have you used your powers to be a positive force for good lately?