How to *NOT* be Wrong in an Internet Fight

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Currently on the front page of MySpace's Top Blogs

The latest in my self-help series on MySpace is an excerpt from my new book: “Confessions of an Internet Superhero: How I’ve Cleaned the Web up and Made it SERIOUS again“.

Well kids, in the last chapter, we covered “How to make everyone care about the same things you do”. I think it went really well, don’t you? As a result, no one says “retard”; Racism has been eradicated; Cancer and AIDS are a thing of the past; We’re all Vegans, attending church regularly, and voting for John McCain.

I like to think I had a little something to do with it.
*pats self on the back*

Recently I received a letter from a fellow Crusader for Internet Justice who shares my vision of ridding the internet of Icky Bad People (IBP).

“But Eriiiiiic…. someone disagreed with me and said I was WRONG!”

NONSENSE! An Internet Good Guy is *NEVER* wrong. We took an oath. Don’t you see? This is merely just a ploy by the haters and the bad guys to make you doubt yourself. Only stupid people disagree with you. Am I right?

The following suggestions will help you in your Online Battles and MAKE you right every time:

1- Raise an army against the forces of darkness and evil – Might makes right. It is a known fact that if 5 people or more say the same exact thing, it is Gospel Truth. Twenty or more of your friends invading the stronghold of your arch nemesis’ blog and pummeling them and their mindless minions into the ground will make them wrong FOREVER!

2- Don’t waste your time with a fake profile – Do you go to a clothing store and argue with the mannequins? No! A fake profile is someone not using their real picture, or their real name. Other signs are not disclosing personal information such as a home telephone, social security number, or where their children are in a handy hourly itinerary on their MySpace profiles. FAKES!

I don’t know how the words manage to get on the screen, but I can assure you there is no human being with a soul or feelings behind this “smoke and mirror” illusion. Clearly this is some terrorist tactic of some sort by someone with something to hide! (Unless they agree with you. Then they’re ok.)

3- Beware of the “fence sitters” and people not sharing your passion to rid an evil entity off the web – People that don’t agree with everything you say or do is SURELY a betrayal waiting to happen. Watch.

4 – Use your painful past to deflect criticism and justify your actions – As a child I was TRAUMATIZED when I saw an anvil drop off a roof and kill my uncle. Anvils are not funny. And should not be made a joke out of. If one person is not laughing. Then it simply isn’t funny is it? By extension, neither are pianos, cabinets, goats or anything else that can fall out of a building.

I remind people of this as I discuss my political and religious views occasionally. Everyone needs to be a little more sensitive toward my feelings.

What other things can you suggest to always be right on the internet?
How have you used your powers to be a positive force for good lately?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Seriously… Cho was a pu*sy.

Yeah, I mean really. How tough can you be to pull a gun on a bunch of unarmed students? And I see a bunch of fucked-up kids on MySpace thinking he’s some sort of role model? His EMO-spewing whinings in his manifesto were cool?

Your ass ain’t getting beaten enough at home, I see.

You know who else were pussies?
Cho’s heroes, Eric Harris and Dylan Kliebold.

Awwwwww you got bullied in school…. boo fucking hoo, you little pansies.
You have failed one of life’s most important social lessons…

How to deal with Dicks.

Face it, you will have to deal with Dicks all through your life. In school, at work (most supervisors are Dicks), odds are you’ll end up in a nursing home where your nurse will be a Dick that thinks putting spoonfuls of blue jello up your ass when no one is looking is REALLY FUNNY!

If you haven’t figured it out yet… I’M A DICK! We like to fuck pussies like you over. It’s the natural order of things in the universe. Going on a murder spree because you can’t handle being teased? Well, congratulations… you’ve now graduated to ASSHOLE.

Guess what? We like to fuck assholes over too. Besides the horrible loss of life this week, the other tragedy was that Pussy Cho was not being taken alive so he can be someone’s little bitch for the rest of his life in a federal penitentiary.

Newsflash: We ALL get bullied at some point or another. The key is learning how to turn it around on your opponent with your wits. Much of what people ridicule others for is projection of their own insecurities. Martial Arts is all about using your opponents energy against them. The military uses Psy Ops to fuck with their enemies heads before kicking the shit out of them.

Maybe your parents are pussies that told you some lame shit like “fighting isn’t the answer” or something. Well your parents smoked pot all through these years, your dad has a crappy low-paying job and your mom sometimes has to blow the landlord when they’re short on rent… so what do they know? (btw, sorry you had to hear that last part from me).

I bet if more people punched a bullys lights out, there will be less pussies coming to school with AK-47s… I almost guarantee it.

It’s the Dick way.

You know who else are pussies this week? The white guys in suits who fired Gary in the Morning for making “I’m a Nappy Headed Ho” the “phrase that pays”. WTF? That shit was HILARIOUS! Now you couldn’t PAY ME to listen to WSBG. Morons.

More Pussies this week:
Those kids making “Cho” profiles on MySpace and commenting on a VT Victims page.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Do us all a favor and put a bullet in your empty skulls and go join your “hero”, ok?

Who the hell CARES what Al Sharpton thinks? Most New Yorkers tuned his fat ass out years ago. He doesn’t represent Black people any more than David Duke represents YOUR pasty White asses (oops sorry, I mean “European-American”).

Who should have been fired years ago for being old and unfunny. He should be in a nursing home with some Dick putting spoonfuls of jello up his butt (then he’d be funny again!).

Who decided this rant was inappropriate for television and cancelled my appearance tonight, so I have to waste this rant on MySpace! (Note I’m using small words here and typing slowwwwwlyyyy)

Where morons like Michelle Malkin and other idiots are making Virginia Tech into some 2nd Amendment issue. Oh YEAH! Give more guns out and turn the place into the OK Corral. Yeah I can see the logic behind THAT one. *eyeroll*

(You think maybe if the NRA took this time to denounce irresponsible assholes like Cho, MAYBE we’d take gun nuts seriously?).

Mentally ill pussy kills innocent people…. that’s all there is to the story. Quit shoving your agendas in our faces and exploiting this tragedy.

The party of pussies! You know they’re working on even more confusing Gun Control laws as we speak. Haven’t you learned from the Patriot Act that any kneejerk law based on fear is BAD? Stop punishing responsible gun owners! Did we take cars and alcohol away from you guys after Chappaquiddick?

Fuck you. Just fuck you pussies. (Ooops, I mean “Vagino-Americans”)

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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