Inside the minds of Terrorists

For the sake of children, experiencing war for the first time… I have denoted words they may not understand with asterisks (*), so they can appreciate the fine art of propaganda*. Answer key at the bottom.

The following hand-written note was found inside a flight manual in a suspect’s abandoned vehicle, translated from Farsi*

THINGS TO DO LIST

– Wake up, face the East, praise Allah* for his love and grace, and for the painful, gruesome death of Jews and Americans everywhere.

– Decide whether to milk the camel or blow shit up.

– Sniff the leftover bowl of cous-cous*, to see if it is suitable to eat for breakfast.

– Run to the market to pick up goat’s milk, a laws rocket launcher, and a stick of butter. (Find out if your order of bio-chemical weapons are in yet!)

– Sit down and try to plot the downfall of the United States, which is no easy feat as through this, you are being nagged by all six of your wives to go out and sweep the sand buildup outside of the tent because the neighbors are beginning to talk. At least two of them are suffering the curse of their “monthly effendi* coming to visit”. Come to think of it, there isn’t a day in the year when it isn’t happening to at least one of them…

– Curse the concept of polygamy*… the number one cause of suicide bombers in Al-Qaeda*.

– Go back outside, face the East and pray again. Or at least use that as an excuse to get away from the nagging bitches, and your 42 screaming kids.

– Take the camel out for a spin to the local Al-Qaeda* terrorist camp. It’s “Stag Film Night”, and the grand poo-bah promises this this film will actually show a hot Afghani woman exposing herself up to her left foot. Perhaps even an ankle!

– Hide the projector, pull up the screen to show your latest attack plan on the blackboard when a Taliban* official pops in looking to serve Osama bin Laden* with an eviction notice.

– A messenger arrives with a parchment from wife #3 (whats-her-name, you know, the pregnant one?), asking you to pick up some beef jerky on the way home from your most revered Jihad* meeting.

– You curse the sand her ancestors walked upon. It’s blashemy! Obviously she has been poisoned by western culture. (Besides, you already know that Pakistan has closed it’s borders to you. Not that it matters… 160 million Pakistanis, and not one of them owns a “Quicky Mart” or a “7-11”* over here.)

– This is the last straw on the loofah sponge, as you volunteer to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a suicide bomber for Allah. An eternity of paradise will be your reward, as well as twelve virgins, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.

(Translator’s note: This part of the radical mentality of these madmen remain an enigma to our investigators trying to establish a profile. He became a suicide bomber to get away from his six nagging wives, yet he’s now committing himself to spending all eternity with twice the amount of women???? Also, I wasn’t sure of the words originally used for “loofah sponge” and “Turtle Wax”, so I took a guess. Sue me.)

A N S W E R    K E Y * Propaganda: Fictional or extremely biased and/or exagerrated material designed to piss you off, make you want to join the army and kill people you don’t know. * Farsi: The most widely spoken language in the Middle East. Preferred language of Terrorists. Not all people that speak Farsi are Terrorists or necessarily bad people; in fact, if you are fluent in Farsi, the FBI will immediately hire you (they always have fresh doughnuts and a great 401K plan). However, if they ARE speaking Farsi, and happen to be flailing a box cutter in the air, you probably should kill him, just to be safe. | Go Back Up * Allah is the name Muslims use for “God”. Since Islam, Judaism and Christianity believe there is only one God… it stands to reason we all pray to the same Higher Being. He has many names and is worshipped in many different customs. For example if your name is “John”, in Spain you would be called “Juan”. In France, you would be “Jaques”, and most likely you’re sitting in an outdoor cafe, choking down slimy-ass slugs at $15 a pop… and thinking your dumb French ass is superior to any American, despite all the times we’ve LIBERATED YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASSES THROUGH HALF A GAZILLION ENEMY OCCUPATIONS, YOU COWARDLY MUTHERFUCKERS!!! | Go Back Up * Cous-cous is a Middle Eastern delicacy consisting of some weird-ass round rice with a strange vinegar-like liquid to give a cooling effect. My best guess is it’s lighter fluid. Go figure. | Go Back Up * Effendi: Farsi for “friend”. For the definition of a “monthly friend coming to visit”, we recommend you ask your older sister to explain that phrase. This is a lesson in Terrorism, not Sex Ed, okay? | Go Back Up * Polygamy: Uhm…er… go ask your mom about her, dad and the mailman. It’s a similar concept. | Go Back Up * Al-Qaeda: A bunch of douchebags. That’s all you need to know. | Go Back Up * Al-Qaeda: I just explained this… what the hell is the matter with you???? | Go Back Up * Taliban: Extremist right-wing fruitcakes who opress women, destroy priceless statues, and seem to think they’re still in the 12th Century. This is evident as they refer to the British Monarchy as “King Richard’s Land of Infidels”, listen to The New Kids On The Block, and act like The Crusades happened last week. | Go Back Up * Osama bin Laden: Reeeeal bad guy! The Bogeyman! Eat all your vegetables or Osama bin Laden WILL GET YOU!!!! | Go Back Up * Jihad: “Holy War” or better translated as “When the Israelis or Americans kick our asses up and down the desert, as usual…”. | Go Back Up * 7-11: Tell me you don’t know what a 7-11 is???? You are too stupid to live!!! Sign up and volunteer for the front lines NOW!!! Watch your step through the deeper ends of the gene pool…YOU MAY DROWN!!! | Go Back Up