“Life is like a package of twinkies…
Look too close at the ingredients, realize what kind of shit you’re putting in your system, and you won’t enjoy enjoy junk food no more….”
– Forrest Brooks –

Sometimes it’s better not to look too close at things, knowhutImeanVern?

I did it… after commenting all over the place, I finally caved in and read How to Write a Better Weblog. Now I actually know what I’m talking about.

I won’t waste my time with what I think was so wrong & offensive about it. To me, this was the *writer’s opinion* of what *he liked* in a weblog & I guess what was so offensive was his arrogant stance, expecting *you* to conform to *his* tastes and standards…

Don’t change a thing, people… don’t make me come though your screen and bitchslap you!

What makes a successful weblog? Hell if I know. They’re digital extensions of the people writing them. They can only be as exciting/boring as the people writing them… and people come in all flavors. I can only tell you what I like/don’t like.

I stress, this is ONLY my opinion:

Turn offs

• Talking incessantly (and *only* talking) about yourself. – Do I really fucking care what you watched on tv? Your new couch? The color, size and texture of your pet’s latest dump?
• Constant whining – Oh Jesus! Can things *really be that bad*???? Rather than harp in this poor guy’s comment box and convince him that perhaps suicide *IS* the answer in this case, I’ll just come back in a few months, ok? (Yeah, I know… look who’s talking, here!)
• The latest New York Times/USA Today/Reuters Article and a commentary – Look, I know some people enjoy this & that’s cool… but I spend 8–26 hours a day in a newsroom, I wanna come home and see a girl blogging in her underwear & forgetting that her cam is still on, okay?
• YOU’RE BORING! Ironically, these are the same people that want a massive following, hound you for links, and get offended if you don’t mention them in every post… *SIGH*

To further illustrate my point, I offer a *small* list of places I like and why… these are sites I have to hit the second I’m online, and if I left you out… that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. (Cripes, I can’t take the thin–skinned, fragile psyches of you crybabies anymore…SHEESH!!!!)

Good Blogging:

• Hoopty Loops – Well, ’cause Hoopty’s a whackjob pervert, just like me. He also shines the spotlight on as many people as possible. (Take notes… that is an important formula to success… people like to see their names on other people’s weblogs.)
• BobtheCorgi – She is such a goof ball! She paints a visual picture of her life that makes you feel like you’re right there.
• Undisturbed – Faith makes me homesick. She displays the imagery of New York City the way I remember it. The lights, the cold, the grime, the attitudes. The good and the bad… if the NYC public school system wouldn’t eat my kids alive, I’d run back in a heartbeat!
• Negative Subspace – Nicolas writes from the heart, and you can feel the sincerity. He’s a cool guy, much like a lot of my childhood friends that I used to hang with. He’s had it bad, suffering quite a few health problems, yet he does it with his chin up and hopeful. He reminds me of a “non–jaded, non–evil” version of myself.
• Sometimes I… – You never know what to expect from Deb when you go to her page. It can be about her workout, Starbucks, her kids, a Trixie Belden story, or a new webcam shot (and let’s face it… she’s a looker!) She’s so demure and so fucking hot at the same time.
• Batgrl/Houseguru/Kittybat – She is just too cute! A mystery wrapped around an enigma, which keeps me coming back for more… always something going on at her site, linking to lots of people and things. Lots of personality… She’ll do anything to keep you distracted and not realize she’s a college professor with more brains than you & I put together, mixed with the deadly combination of being drop–dead gorgeous. But she’d rather you like her for *HER* rather than what she looks like… I don’t know. I just can’t get enough of her.
• Don’t Mind Me – On the rare occasions that Kare actually writes something… it’s worth reading! Whether it’s a moron customer, StupidParents that think her store is a daycare center, or her latest troubles… she doesn’t waste your time with bullshit filler posts. Behind the scenes, I can tell you she’s an amazing woman, that had to overcome a horrible childhood. I assume her sarcasm & wit is what’s kept her sane this whole time.
• Davezilla – I’m not buying the theory that Mr. Linabury is an actual human being. There is no physical way one mere mortal (or even a Web God…) can put up the tons of spoofs, satires, anagrams, and all the other hilarious hijinks… pure entertainment every time! Warning: You are NOT Davezilla. Do not attempt to be Davezilla without a trained crew of stuntmen and paramedics nearby.

The rest of you: I love you and don’t bitch that I didn’t include you on that list. It was a short list of weblogs that I like, and a brief explanation of why I like them. As you can see, they don’t follow any of the rules as specifically laid out in “How to write a better weblog” There are tons more, but that is as meaningless as the hookers that wont come to my house because I live out in the middle of nowhere….

… and I keep giving them fake credit cards over the phone.

Just be yourselves, okay? You promise?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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