Ok…. it’s official, psycho-charlatan extraordinaire Sara Freder has crossed the line. She has inadvertently cursed me. I went to her site a month ago for kicks, and she has been spamming me non-stop with lousy predictions ever since…. this was the one for today:
“For me now, there is no doubt: an abnormal event took place at a precise moment in your life. It subsequently thwarted your capabilities and still spoils your real chances of success today.”
“I can even tell you precisely that this dramatic event took place during your adolescence, when you were about 13, I think it is difficult for you to remember anything precise. That event happened in autumn; the weather was bad and you were surrounded by many people, probably during a family gathering. At that precise moment, a person took advantage of these circumstances to put a curse on somebody.”
There’s a secret to fortune telling and psychic readings. They butter you up by making poignant observations about you, which opens your subconscious to some vague generalized bullshit which you will later interpret as their prediction coming true. As a general rule, I find myself going for a psychic reading because I think paying five bucks to sit at a table and having a pretty woman hold my hand and gaze in my eyes is much cheaper than buying them dinner. (I’m a romantic that way.) 🙂
Many of you reading this, I make a prediction: Good fortune will come to you on the 15th.
How do I know this? Many of you are paid bi-weekly. Odds are the 15th will be a payday for you. Or… something fortunate will happen… because something fortunate happens every day, but now you will be SPECIFICALLY looking for it on the 15th, and will be amazed at my psychic ability!
No really, come back to this post on the 15th, and regale me with what wonderful things happened on the 15th for you.
There is also another gypsy trick in fortune telling. To get a repeat customer you tell them “there is a curse” on them, and they can remove it (for a price of course). In a sense, it’s the fortune teller casting the curse.
Well Sara Freder, today is your unlucky day, as your whimsical site has officially pissed me off…. I call upon the Infernal Names, and with all the hate in my black little heart, I return your curse to you threefold. I burn your name in parchment over the fires of my sheer contempt, and call on the malevolent forces of nature against you!I throw this curse with no mercy or remorse in my unspeakable first name!!!
Let’s see if any of your silly good luck charms on sale can stop this, bitch.
What’ll happen? Who knows, and who cares! I’ll be happy if she gets a month long case of constipation… it’ll be the most ironic.
H41LS8N!
