A couple of months ago, I posted “Clever comebacks you can use”. Based on simple remarks that slip out of my mouth on any ordinary day.
Since then, countless women across the globe were addressed with such lines as “What beautiful children you have. Adopted?”.
Here’s some new ones FROM the “I can’t believe you just said that” files. FROM my upcoming book: “Like Morton Downey Jr. (Except I’m still alive)” Feel free to use them in your comments next time some anonymous ballbuster decides to pay you a visit, or on your boss, or on your darling in-laws.
“Alright. Let’s rate this. On a scale of 1-10 (’10’ meaning ‘I reeeeeeally give a shit’…)”
“Here’s what you do. Take two shut-the-fuck-ups and call me in the morning.”
“Just remember: If you die, don’t come running to me!”
“Heeeey… you go on believing that for the rest of your life.”
“Go ahead and kill me. You think I’m a pain in the ass now? Just wait until I’m a fucking ghost, haunting your silly ass, day and night.”
“I can actually hear your arteries hardening as you eat that!”
“Don’t worry about the rain, honey… only sugar melts in the rain. Doo-doo kinda clumps together.”
(To screw up a little kid) “How old are you? Six? Heh, when I was your age, I was Seven!”
On the new law in Pennsylvania, where it is now legal to ride your motorcycle *WITHOUT* a helmet.
“ALRIGHT!!!!! Let’s keep a spatula in the van. We can have ‘Cool kids scrambled brains’ for breakfast! WOO HOO!”
Hmm. I wonder how a patient would react to me telling them to take two of the “shut the fuck ups??”
And BTW, according to the latest Oxford Dictionary, Doo Doo is spelled Dou Dou. Yeah right, however you spell it, it means the same stinking shit!
hehe..I’m going to go home and use the “screw a little kid up” on my niece. thanks!
there have bee plenty of times when people wanted to kill me, now theyll wish they never had