1. Lady in the row in front of us: No offense, but HOLY SHIT you have the ugliest friggin’ kid I’ve ever seen IN MY LIFE! I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be cruel… but damn! All I wanted to do was toss him a banana and see if this infant can peel it with his feet.

2. Music teachers: Please understand that I have the world of respect for teachers. Especially music teachers. I have no patience. Any one I tried to teach guitar, it usually ends in 15 minutes, as they form a “C” chord wrong and the screaming begins, followed by six weeks of therapy for the poor kid.

I understand that the only time some of you music teachers have to showcase your talent is at these performances…

Let me be blunt here.

Look, we’re just there to see our kids perform, ok? We really don’t want to ride out an additional 10 minutes of a nicotine fit listening to your solo performance.

3. See the last line above in regards to the principal’s speech at the end of the show.

4. Videographers (professional or otherwise): Do NOT (and I can’t stress this enough) leave your expensive equipment alone with a guy named Josh. Or else, you’re in for a long night of video editing before you can SHOW this tape to grandma. Trust me on this. Some of you are in for a surprise when you get home.

5. When “Santa” gets on stage, and an auditorium full of kids scream “IT’S MR. MITCHELL!!!!”. You failed miserably. I pray all of the other parents are quick thinkers like me, and have their “Santa’s Helper” speech on hand…

… or else I have more business cards for the therapist I send all my ex-music students to.

6. Other than that, all of the children were fantastic. You sang and played like angels FROM heaven.