The First Amendment for dummies.

(Does this sound like anyone you know? I can think of at least five people off the top of my head….)

Idiot: “Dammit to hell, this ‘Freedom of Speech’ stuff is bullshit. We don’t have it!”

Me: “Sure we do.”

Idiot: “Everytime I open my mouth, someone attacks me in my comments.”

Me: “Well, they have freedom of speech too, remember?”

Idiot: “It’s not RIGHT!!!!”

Me: “Yeah, that “freedom” stuff is a bitch, ain’t it?”

Idiot: “I have the right to say anything I want, it’s in the First Amendment.”

Me:Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Idiot: “What the hell is that?”

Me:The First Amendment. You were just talking about it, remember?”

Idiot: “I never saw that before…”

Me: “I’m not surprised. Everyone rambles on about the First Amendment, yet no one has a clue what it actually says.”

Idiot: “But it just says Congress wont make any laws stopping me, where’s the part that says I can run around and be an asshole, and no one can touch me????”

Me: “It doesn’t. Having a driver’s license doesn’t give you the right to run over anyone you want, does it?”

Idiot: “Yeah, well, newspapers throw up their ‘Freedom of Speech’ everytime someone tries to stop them, and it works.”

Me: “That’s ‘Freedom of the Press‘ you don’t have that. You’re not the media, you’re just an idiot with a weblog.”

Idiot: “Oh you see??!!?? There you go again. You can’t come up with anything intelligent to say so you start with the name calling and insults!!!”

Me: “That’s not an insult. Just a personal observation.”

Idiot: “I can sue you for that, it’s slander!”

Me: “No it’s in print so it would be libel, not slander. But it’s neither, since I have proof you’re an idiot. If you want to shell out a few thousand dollars, travel back and forth to my home state for a few months and try to sue me, rather than show a little restraint every once in in a while, then you have more time on your hands than I do. Of course, since you obviously have no clue what you’re talking about, what your rights *REALLY* are, and what legal term applies, I find it safe to assume you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell.”

Idiot: “Dammit, if you don’t like what I say, don’t read my site.”

Me: “If you don’t like what I say, don’t go to my site, and comment on your site about it.”

Idiot: “I can comment anywhere I damn well please!”

Me: “So can everyone else then. What do you have comments on your weblog for, anyway? You seem to be able to dish it out, but you can’t take it.”

Idiot: “For people to comment on my posts and exhange ideas.”

Me: “Bullshit, it’s for people to tell you you’re right and agree with you, you constanly bitch and/or delete all of the entries that call you on your crap, ‘cuz you’re an idiot.”

Idiot: “Then I’ll sue you for libel”

Me: “And for all those thousands of dollars you’ll shell out, what will you gain? You can’t ask for monetary damage unless you’ve lost revenue from this. And like I said, I have proof you’re an idiot.”

Idiot: “Oh really???? And what evidence do you supposedly have?”

Me: “This conversation.”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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9 thoughts on “The First Amendment for dummies.

  1. Thanks Tammie!
    That one’s been sitting on the back burner for a while. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been in the public eye most of my adult life, but I seem to have developed a thicker skin than most people. I’ve been getting hate mail since day one on the internet, so flames rarely phase me. Webloggers go on the attack, and then run crying the second someone says “boo”. So why even say it?

    I’ve said a lot of harsh shit to and about people, and I have never *once* not expected some form of a backlash for something I said…

    … hell I’m *counting* on with this one. :0)

  2. Ha ha ha. Anyone who has been online for awhile and/or done the usenet/newsgroup thingie should be used to shit like this by now. What has been going on in the blogging world the last couple of months is nothing. *g*

    Btw I changed my blog url

  3. *surfing the net for a high school near Eric so that she can sign him up to teach citizenship/government classes*
    Oh come on! It’d be so good for you!
    It’s just like one of the circles of hell, teaching high school!
    Chaos, confusion, surly teenagers – you’d feel right at home!

  4. done the usenet/newsgroup thingie should be used to shit like this by now
    Oh yeah… I did newsgroups. The anonymity, the viciousness, the pity-party “I’m leaving this group” (in 15-part posts). ahhhh memories. That’s gonna have to change with bloggers though, with all of these meetups, smartasses run a risk of a beat-down in a hotel miles away. (Starts taking names of MetaFilter people).


  6. You know, Valentin… your condition can be treated with medication.
    You know, in case you didn’t know or something.

  7. dude this is funny. i didnt read all of it tho. in social studies. sitting 2 seats away from you.

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