The Last One Out – Operation: Evacuation

The Last One Out

Tuesday February 20th, 2001

After a legal snafu with the original December eviction, we were re-served and eviction set for Wednesday February 21st. No excuses. No more stall-tactics.

I worked a half-day at the Pocono Record and had the next day off.

As Carole picked me up, I barely spoke. Everything was set, and I had a sickening feeling something was about to go wrong.

“What can go wrong?” Carole says, as we’re on I-80, “Allison is talking to Joe about renting a U-Haul and we’ll spend the day loading it. They’re coming by to pick up our dryer & refrigerator, then Joe’s coming back with the U-Haul.”

Joe showed up for the dryer and fridge we were giving them. He saw a house totally disheveled and ransacked, as we were sorting what’s going and what’s staying…

…It was too much for his “Felix Unger-like” lifestyle, as he opted to wait with his wife in the pick-up truck until I brought the appliances out by myself.

There was no mention of a U-Haul, obviously Allison never mentioned it to him.

This was the “something wrong” I knew was coming.

When Carole sent me out there to ask about the U-Haul, I knew it was a lost battle. Allison sat there with her fake plastic smile, “Joe, Eric has a question for you.” He already had a “Sorry, I can’t do it” speech prepared.

Fucking judgmental holier-than-thou church people! Our house was a mess, so I guess they decided we should lose everything we own.

Memo2me: Make a bumper sticker that says “Christians aren’t perfect, just a bunch of judgmental bastards that think their shit don’t stink!”

I’d make a million bucks. Yeah.
You’re welcome for the dryer and fridge… dickheads.

I can imagine my conversation with God. His response would most likely be: “Hey… don’t even try to pin them on me! I gave up on that ‘Chosen People’ crap a millennium ago!!!”

The kicker was the fact that my entire paycheck went to them a week ago to get their home remodeling project started, or else I could have rented the damn truck myself.

I’m not mad at God. Just religious people, the real plague of society.
Think about it.

It was 2PM. We still had 20 hours to think of something.

We called friends across PA and NYC, somebody had to have money or a truck somewhere. Finally one friend from NY wired money, and another in PA offered a van to move an entire house full of stuff. By the time the money came. The U-Haul rental place was closed and wasn’t opening until 10AM. There was no way in hell we can get back and load a truck before 11. Steve showed up with his van at 10:30 PM.

Times like these, are when you find out who your REAL friends are.

This was going to be an all-nighter. Loading the van, driving 45 minutes, lifting couches and dressers across an icy driveway, pushing the van out of whatever ice & snow patches it was stuck on, driving another 45 minutes back to load the van with whatever Carole & Christina can take apart with pliers and a screwdriver. Steve’s stepson and I, stayed sane by taking catnaps on the long, dark drives back and forth. Carole, Christina and Steve functioned on pure adrenaline.

It was 4AM at the beginning of the third trip. I couldn’t stop trembling from the cold. It was 10 degrees out, I was exhausted and begging Carole to “Just leave the rest of the fucking stuff here”.

She and Steve figured four trips will get most of the stuff out of here.

I could swear I heard a few chuckles from the television audience off in the distance.

I slept through the sunrise on the way back. It was almost impossible to walk through the first floor of the new house. 70% of a four bedroom house crammed in one room. Do or die, this was going to be the last trip.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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