Kids are sleeping in the family room. Carole and Christina are tearing the house apart; Looking for a black dress to wear to a wake in Queens tomorrow. I’m beginning to pack for “Project: Evacuation”.

We’ve stalled the lawyers and the Sheriff’s department long enough. We have until Wednesday to be out.

The doorbell rings at 10 PM. We have no clue who it is at this hour.

I open the door, and a flashlight is immediately put in my face. All I can see is the silhouette of two men.

“We’re looking for Carole Brooks.”

That pretty much clarified the mystery of who these two men are with the flashlights in my eyes. They weren’t Troopers or Sheriffs, they we’re Constables. But Jeez, at 10:00 on a Saturday night? This can’t be good.

“She’s not here”, I tell them.
“Would you mind telling us where we can find her, we have a warrant for her arrest.”

Aw fuck. I knew it.

“She’s hanging out at her friend’s house in Penn Estates.”
“Do you have their address, so we can go pick her up?”
“Uhm…. not offhand, no.”

They talk amongst themselves, and decide that the guy in their back seat, that they dragged out of bed, was enough for the Magistrate tonight. It’s close to 20 degrees outside, and I’m out there with no coat, trying to get rid of them as soon as possible…before something goes wrong.

“We’ll come back for her Monday, sir…”, one of them tells me, “will she be here, or at work?”

“She’s doing work in Penn Estates… she should be home by 6.”

“Let her know we’ll be back”, one tells me as they head back to their car… at which point, two of our dogs start barking inside, and they hear Carole yell “HEY! QUIET!!!”. Carole has no idea what’s going on, who’s outside, or that I’m out there freezing my ass off, trying to protect her.

They whip back around, and again the flashlights are in my eyes.

“Who was that sir… that was a grown woman’s voice. Is Carole inside?”

“No. That’s my sister. She was babysitting until I got home.”

“I should explain to you, Mr. Brooks, that you may be committing a felony. If we find out that you’re lying to us, and Carole’s in there, we’re gonna arrest you too…. now I’m going to ask you again, is Carole in there?”

“No she isn’t…”, I try, with my best poker face to see past the flashlights blinding me, and look them in the eyes, “she’s in Penn Estates guys, I swear.”

At this point, Christina peeks through the door curtains, as she hears the voices outside. The constable questions me again. I can barely hear him over my chattering teeth.

“That was my daughter”
“She looked like a grown person to me sir… why don’t you have her come outside.”

“Christina, can you please come outside a second?”
“Sure dad…”

After a few minutes, out pops Christina… with Carole! I roll my eyes, and exhale slowly as we’re totally busted. The flashlights are then turned toward Carole.

“Carole!!!”, One of the constables exclaimed…
“Yeah, what’s the matter guys?”

My eyes roll again….

“We have a warrant for your arrest.” They both look right at me.

“Hi honey…” I say, with my teeth clenched together, lips turning blue from the cold… “when did YOU get home???”

“Oh… about a half hour ago. I went straight up to the attic to find my dress.” She explains further to them, “We have a wake to go to tomorrow in New York.”

In my head, I’m screaming “Carole, PLEASE shut the fuck up??!!?? They’re arresting you, and you’re talking about leaving the state… can you say ‘FLIGHT-RISK’???”

We opt to finish this up inside, and get out of the cold. Carole apologizes for the mess, and explains that we’re moving in a few days.

If they don’t tell her she has the right to remain fucking silent… I WILL.

They put the cuffs on her in front of me & Christina. “Aw no… will I be coming back?”, she asks.

“Sure, you just have to enter your plea with the Magistrate, and he’ll set a court date.”

As they take her away, I’ve decided that my life is a TV sitcom… There’s a million TV’s tuned in to watch what’s going to happen next.