Given the depths of my life lately, (I seem to vacillate between utter boredom at work with nothing to do and being to depressed to actually attempt talking to others) I have taken to finding my entertainment among the internet personal ads of a certain location. Oh, you laugh now, but I tell you — you just don’t know what you’re missing until you’ve tapped INTO this well of comedy gold!

Just take this guy for instance, who introduces himself as such:

let me see, maybe i should use some of the words of my ex’s…i am, immature, insensitive,never serious, always late, usually sarcastic, light complected, tooo picky, and have a problem with committment…other than that, im physically fit, funny as he11 and im never boreing…

Some how the logic of this is lost on me…he goes on..

ignorance bores me, personality is the most attractive quality, i am more atracted to athletic women, personality will not overcompensate for a THIRD EYE, or an extra finger, looks do count for something…i can overlook poor spelling skills, as you can see..

Well at least he’s consistant. All of his photos showed him surrounded by a bevy of lovely young ladies.

Then there are the guys who are considerable more *ahem* interesting..

like the one who advertises No christians, please. Observe:

I work and I play. I like GWAR and I listen to 1310 AM The Ticket a LOT. No kids…no plans for any. My pet rats demand all the attention I can give.

No christians, please. But that doesn’t mean I want to deal with any wackos, either. I’m way too busy with work and being self-absorbed to deal with anyone who can’t handle their own problems.

Dear lord, if only I had a meaner spirit that would allow me to post the pictures..

But you ain’t seen nothing yet till you’ve come across Lord Philip of Essex, Noble Knight dressed to the hilt in full medieval regalia:

I am FROM Boston Massachusetts, I am a full time student. I am 38, but I neither look it nor act it, I consider myself to be young at heart, pardon the cliche. I am a studying to become a Medieval history teacher, my goal is to earn my Phd in Medieval History.

Apparently 38 is ancient to some, I always thought it was relatively young. Actually he has an interesting, extensive bio and is pretty dern cute too.
One hopes he’s sincere and not just some dude working at the local Medieval Times or something.

The funniest guy award has to go to this guy who entitled his bio Asparagus makes my pee smell funny:

Okay. Me. Other than concern over the use of braille on drive-through ATM’s, no serious baggage mentally or physically (notwithstanding some very nice luggage). Rarely split infinitives. Drooling under control. Have all my original organs and a complete set of teeth. I’m told fate is unpredictable, which (to paraphrase James Taylor) is why I’m here. — You? No real preconceptions. Opposable thumbs, walk erect, that sort of thing. I mean, Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts? Who knew? Ended in failure, granted — perhaps not the best example. I digress. Alright. So, why not prove Gloria Steinem wrong? Unless, of course, you ARE Gloria Steinem, in which case this is really awkward

He’s kind of cute too in a nerdy Mark Hamille sort of a way. He gets extra points for honesty. I have noticed curiously that the vast majority of the guys out there are well over 6 foot tall and make at least 75,000..hmm..

Another fellow goes on for something like 5 paragraphs.. I was really struck by this:

But, if you’re the type of woman that’s STILL attracting jerks, players, cheaters, liers, losers, whimps, momma’s boys, or non-commiters, then keep moving and don’t apply here, cause you probably haven’t learned the “3 step secret formula” for attracting the right guy.

oooohhh..tell me tell me tell me.. I wanna know. No, I’m not single and probably wouldn’t bother to try to hook up if I did suddenly become single, but tell me anyway. I just gotta know. Aside FROM the overwhelming arrogance it takes to go on about yourself for 5 paragraphs and then leave us all hanging like that! Tell me again why this man isnt’ taken?

The most striking fella award? Visting Dallas in Oct, relatively safe
The man has long, blonde metal band style hair and apparently has posted this ad because he will be in Dallas for a weekend in Oct and would like to hang out with somebody. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to just for a weekend date. But at least he’s honest:

The picture on my profile:(if it matters) I took that in my bathroom just after a workout so I am somewhat pumped, giving the impression that I am a little bit bigger than I would be normally. Just trying to be honest here and not wanting to mislead.

Now, granted I looked over plenty of perfectly normal down to earth types, but I’m not looking to hook up.. I want entertainment here! I couldn’t help being struck by the sheer amount of ads for my area alone. And how gorgeous some of the guys were. We’re not talking cute, friends, we’re talking underwear models. (not counting the guy who clearly posted a pic of a model followed by actual pics of himself or the one who posted what could only be a pic of Tony Blair for some reason?!?)
Why would they post an internet ad in the first place?
Has it gotten that bad out there?
Or are they just looking for a higher caliber of date and this seems the best way to meet the most people?
Does this stuff actually work? And have we really gotten that alienated FROM each other. It seems strange to me that somebody else should get rich FROM our desire to not be alone.