Zeldman continues to take a beating for giving Netscape a much-needed swift kick up the ass. The poor guy’s getting it from all sides. I know the feeling all too well. Every time I open my mouth, I’m a “sweetheart” to somebody, and a “vitriolic, mean-spirited asshole” to somebody else. You can’t win on the web! And now I feel like crap to have to do the same thing to a man who has been such a great friend and a mentor to me…

JZ, you were too nice to them, bro! See, the Eric Brooks version would’ve laid all the cold hard facts down, and used more colorful phrases like :

• “Yo! Get your hands off each other’s dicks, and put out a fucking browser already!!!”
• “He-lloooooo….? Not that anyone gives a rat’s ass about Netscape anymore, buuuut….”

…and my personal favorite:

• “I don’t know what to do first, bitch-slap you little geeks, or remove Solitare from your computers!!!! GET TO FUCKING WORK….NOWWWWW!!!!!”

I mean, guys, I’m so sick of this shit! I know I’m not a programmer, and I have no clue what it takes to build a rendering engine from scratch… but JEEZ! I sure as hell know what it’s like to write two sets of code for every page… to spend hours looking at a page through different browsers and make compromises to my designs to suit everybody.

Two fucking years…. an “Internet Year” is three months, so we’re talking Eight Internet years of this crap. Eight years of my pages not validating because I have to add non-standard code so that the six or seven Netscape users that visit my site every year don’t say: (Whiny nasal voice)”Your pages looook fuuuunny…. I can’t reaaaad some of theeeeem”.
Suck is right, pull the plug! The fat lady is tuning up as I write this….

Gee, you don’t think being declared The King of Parody has gone to my head, do ya? :0)

EricBrooks.Com!…. In a class by himself!

Where is that other Web Page with all that info about you? I won’t tell…. <g>

Wow… 6′ 1″ and waist-length hair….

So, uh… hypothetically speaking, how would you say you look in a Xena or Wonder Woman costume?

Mmmmmm, no reason in particular, just curious. :0)

“I carry my crucifix under my deathlist

Forward my mail to me in Hell
Liars and the martyrs lost faith in The Father
Long lost in the wishing well”
– Mötley Crüe : “Wild Side” -Heard this last night on KNAC.Com.

That’s poetry man! Loud & Wild… just like me. (It’s not too loud, you’re just too fucking old, that’s all! {Mid-Life Crisis Commences in 24 days, got it all planned out…thanks for asking!})

Dave Bastian.Com– He totally nailed what I’ve been trying to get this site to look like for years! Another proud disciple of “How To Draw Comics The Marvel Way“… he rocks!

L.A.F.A.S.A – It stands for LouisianA Foundation Against Sexual Assault. Lots of great resources and information for rape victims. I’ve done a lot of pro-bono graphic work for Stephanie Prescia. The guys who did her site did an awesome job

Shake Your Booty – This was sent via my Mother-in-law. She recently got AOL, and loves to forward every dancing/animated thing she can find. Of all the tasteless things I’ve seen in my life… this is definitely one of them.
(Warning: You will be bombarded with pop-ups when you close the window.)

Note: Yes I have noticed he has since corrected it. But due to the flood of email I got, and since I worked so hard on this comedy bit… you can’t seriously expect me to be mature and just “drop it” now do ya?”

SITE NEWS: [7/27/00] … Also, if you’ve recently submitted your site for inclusion in i2k, it may be one of the sites under serious consideration right now… soon, I will be contacting those accepted (and don’t hold your breath, E.B. :=] )… ”

---

Who’s “E.B.”????
Who on earth could he be talking about????
I did a quick search on CoolStop for anyone with the initials “E.B.”, and here’s what I got:

Well, let’s see…
Eric Brooks – Naah…. couldn’t be him. Too Christ-like and saintly

The Easter Bunny – I personally don’t think fucking with a 6-foot rabbit is particularly wise. He’s the Easter Bunny, for cripes sake!!!! What does he care about this petty-ass crap????

Erika Brooks – Could it be that Joe Jenett thinks he can attack my kids now, since he’s so far below my radar screen these days???? For his sake, I hope not.

What does Erika think? Erika is too busy teaming up with Fiona Elise Brown talking back & forth on cellphones, contracted to redesign a major corporate site in NYC. (Considering their talents, and similar medical histories… they’re gonna make a killer team!). Erika has more talent in her little pixie pinky, than me & Joe combined. She seriously can’t be bothered with daddy’s silly little feuds… she’s out to make MONEY!

So, I guess he was talking about another “E.B.”,
so never mind.

• Jayde Skies – How absolutely ironic that the site that inspired me to find a 3-D program liked my “CyberPal” doll so much. (Hi Jayde!).If anyone’s interested in Free Stuff: I used Anim8or, a free 3D/Animation program to make it.
• Offering the peace pipe to Graham (once again)… I just got off the phone with Mattel, and the “Grudnuk” doll is coming out in the next series (along with the “Mr. Jenkins” and the Matt Rossi blow-up” dolls.)…HAPPY NOW???
• With Matt gone, The Webmistress has been given the burdenous tasks of keeping me entertained and out of trouble. She delivers with her hysterical new version of “Footprints In The Sand“.Jeez, first Zeldman rips her ideas and content off… now K10K???? Take it as a compliment, sweetie!

Not that I think there’s anything wrong with it… but everyone’s selling T-Shirts & mugs related to their sites. The only reason I’m holding out (’cause we all know I’m more than happy to turn a quick buck!). Press puts out. I have a conscience, and don’t want to sell you crap either. How are their shirts anyway?

In the meantime, I feel a parody coming on….

Order Today!!!!

• s t r a n d e d – It only took three weeks to find her and thank her for putting in a plug for my Font Site. Really nice design work there, Xaymara!
• nothing online > realworld – I had apparently corrupted poor Matthew’s character last week, from my “Top 10 Signs Your Child May Be Too Old For Breastfeeding“. Well, my young Canadian friend, just know that I am essentially an Evil, malevolent being in my realm… my friends don’t call me “The Bastard” or “gOdOfMiScHiEf” for nothing. :0)

Wheeeeee…. after having a four day vacation, earlier this week from the net, I may do it again…. I’ll probably build up my internet broadcasting empire(like I always dreamed) with a brand-spankin’ new E-TV – All Eric All The Time, more detailed features this time (since the first and only broadcast was in March).

What’s that?

HEY, FUCK YOU!!!!

Remind me again how much you jerk-offs are paying me to keep you fucking entertained??!?!

That’s it… all of you, OFF MY SITE….NOW!!!!!! You’re not allowed back here for THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!!!!

SEE YA!!!!!!

.

..

…
Wait… not you! I was talking to them…. we’re still cool, right?

Alright!!!! Here’s what’s going on….

• Got the new Search Engine fixed. After almost 48 straight hours…. I figured out the problem… I have more crap on this site than this thing could index!!!! So I don’t have WHUZZUP! orEG2 Fonts indexed in it. Chances are, they’ll both get separate search engines.
• WHUZZUPDATE – Coming out Sunday, to commemorate my upcoming “mid-life crisis” (scheduled 31 days from today) FREE GIVEAWAYS from a hidden location!!!! (psst… I suggest you subscribe, ASAP!)