Eric’s Guide to the Bible

Eric's Guide to the Bible

After nearly being hit by lightning yesterday (4th time in my life, I might add), I thought “Why hasn’t anyone ever written a drama blog about God and FINALLY put that careless egomaniac in His/Her place?”

Well, *I’M* gonna be the one to do it. I AM PISSED! And I am soooo sick of that Human Evolution guy on the front page of MySpace every day for the past year. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I have read The Holy Bible many, many times. All but one chapter. You see, they have a word for people that have read the entire Bible: They’re called Atheists.
And I need to believe in order to keep my creative spark.

I have to agree with Ace Tyler, religion needs a makeover. I’ve sold Santa and the the Tooth Fairy to my kids with little or no effort… because, face it: When money or gifts are involved, WE’LL BELIEVE IN ANYTHING! (This is not a jab at my new Nigerian friend I’ve been talking to in emails lately. He has my bank account information now, I don’t want to scare him off.)

SMITEDOWN!ETERNAL LIFE? Well that’s cool, but what’s in it for us NOW? We are in a day and age of instant gratification. Getting a tote bag from the 700 Club after a $500 donation isn’t exactly what I had in mind. Why can’t we fling lighting bolts too? I’d LOVE to take out a few assholes like He keeps trying to do to ME! Wouldn’t you?

Have you READ the Old Testament? Are you SURE you want to spend all Eternity with THAT guy? He hates everyone… including the Jews! One minute, they’re His Chosen People, and the next you have the Holocaust. WTF?

And what a DRAMA QUEEN! I thought for a while maybe God is a woman, this Yahweh person sure is moody and vindictive enough to be one. I mean a male God would have just dropped a mountain on Sodom and Gomorrah and be done with it… instead we have this whole theatrical firebombing (which is where the term “flamers” comes from in the Gay community, btw), and turning people into pillars of salt just because Lot’s wife went “Oh shit, I think I left the iron plugged in!” and looked back.

But alas… there were no plagues involving painful or itchy testicles (which would DEFINITELY be the mark of a female God) … so I guess God is a man after all. One REALLY moody and pissed off guy at that!

DUDE! You made the Universe in 7 days, what have you got to prove here? A couple of sheep herders worship a golden calf, and you go off on them like a Top Blogger reading a bad comment!

The Book of Job, that poor sap! I am pretty sure this was just meant to be a fable to explain why horrible things happen to good people. You know Job’s kids & his wife murdered, his home destroyed, his cattle all wiped out… then to be homeless and covered in painful boils. Hey, it happens to all of us sometimes. Then to read behind the scenes God and Satan are sitting there going “Hey, let’s fuck with this guy some more…”.

Good and Evil joining forces just to put the screws on some guy just for shits and giggles. That’s comforting!

Religion v 2.0 – Enter the Jesus
Like most all-powerful, yet painfully insecure thin-skinned deities, I’m sure God was paying close attention to polls and watching his popularity dropping at an alarming rate. He assembles a heavenly research & development team to find out why people aren’t loving Him and being scared shitless at the same time:

“While most people find plagues of locusts and fire in the sky to be really cool to watch, no one seems to like it happening to them. And that ‘killing your first-born’ stuff? People tend to look down on that….”

Bible v 2.0 - Enter the JesusTime for a kinder, more gentler approach…

Now I don’t care what anyone says: JESUS WAS FREAKIN COOL! I mean, anyone that can turn water into wine was bound to be a hit at parties, right? Being blond haired and blue eyed also made him stand out in a crowd of Middle Easterners. Jesus was special and everyone knew it.

He hung out with tax collectors, revolutionaries, attractive, promiscuous women he saved from stonings, opened up a can of whoopass on the moneychangers at the Shaolin Temple, he was like a cross between Criss Angel and Nikki Sixx.

But his message was one of love and peace, and some of the people used to God smiting them for wearing white after Labor Day was just too old skewl for his message and decided he had to go.

He didn’t set out to start his own religion, going to the Gentiles was “Plan B”. As his Apostles preached with “Oh yeah, speaking of the Messiah, you know that guy that got crucified two weeks ago…?”

Well, no one likes to be told “I told you so”, do they?

His message of hope and love was spread throughout the world in the form of Crusades and Inquisitions, and then later by Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.

It’s been almost 2,000 years since he promised he’d return.
I’m starting to think we’ve been punk’d here…

Who does this God think He IS anyway?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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