Dear e:
I am in second grade. I have a boy in my skool and HE IS MEAN. His name is Troy and he is always pickin on me and pulleing my hair! At lunch, he nocks my food off my tray and makes fun of me with all his friends.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!!
Should I have my daddy beat him up, or can you recomend someone that can make him “disappeare” at a reasonable rate?

Love,
Amanda

Dear Amanda:
No. No. No. If your daddy lays a finger on him, he’s going to jail.

To hire a, uh, “Private Contractor”, can be very pricy, and not many of them will do kids. Besides, no one will know you had something to do with Troy’s “dissappearance”, so what will stop one of Troy’s friends from picking on you next? Your daddy will become bankrupt having all these kids whacked, and your teacher may get suspicious.

I forwarded this letter to my friends Batgrl and Skarlet. They’re teachers, and they’re trained to deal with such matters. They both unanimously wrote back: “Oh! That is so adorable, he likes her!” (It is so freaky writing to the two of them simultaneously… I tell ya!).

Gee. Thanks girls. *I* could have told her that!
I got a kid being pummeled here, wanna help me out?

They *both* recommended letting nature take it’s course, and you will see a change in Troy’s demeanor toward you by Junior High.

Fuck that. I say we teach the little fucker WHO’S THE BOSS NOW, Amanda. Ready?

Next time he pulls that crap with you in the cafeteria, you are going to do the classic FOOT SWEEP.
(All I found was this link. It’s not very helpful… You may want to pick up this book, but in the meantime:)

1. Spin like you do in your ballet class. Only with your stronger leg leading outward and your weaker leg bent and acting like a pivot in the spin.

2. Your stronger leg will hit him hard and fast behind both his calfs (anywhere between the back of his knees to two inches above his ankles… but the lower, the better.

3. This will throw both his feet into the air, and disrupt his center of gravity, leaving him to land on his tailbone.

I’m assuming he’s bigger than you Amanda. Trust me, I’ve gone up against a lot of 6-foot-plus guys in my life. Works every time, and guaranteed against anyone within 150 pounds of your weight.

And he certainly won’t be expecting it from a giiiiiiiiiirl…… :0P

4. While he’s on the floor, holding his lower back, and his friends are either stunned or laughing their asses off at him…

…punch him in the nuts for all of womankind.

(I know what you’re thinking Amanda, “EW gross!”. Look, this may be your future husband here. You may want to have children. Hit him hard, hit him fast, but don’t permanently damage the goods, ok?)

This will advance your relationship with Troy at least a good four or five years, and he will probably start bringing you candy, flowers, and Powerpuff Girls coloring books tomorrow. By sixth and seventh grade you will tower over him for a couple of years. Odds are he’ll start giving you jewelry!

In high school, sleep with all his friends to teach him hitting girls is NOT COOL!

Hey kids! Would you like to send a letter to e, and ask him his advice? Just leave a question in the comments. THANK YOU!