Ahhh… it’s election time.
(Yes, for those of you fruity flag-waving patriotic nuts that only tuned in to world events and politics in the past two years… it happens more than every four years, you know.)
You can always tell the Democrats from the Republican candidates. The Republicans hand out candy and toys to the kids, while the Democrats hand out pencils and emery boards.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to throw my hat in the political arena. I have to run for something. I just have no idea what. And I’m sure no major party would be insane enough to have me on board. But I need to show these people how it’s done.
You see, it’s not about the issues. Nobody gives a flying fuck about “the issues”. Most people don’t even know what “the issues” even are! You’re gonna take care of it. That’s all they need to know.
You tell everyone you’ll never raise their taxes, and make sure your name is etched on everyone’s brain when they get to the voting booth… and you’re IN LIKE FLYNN.
Some sure fire ways to do that is:
* Pass out rolls of toilet paper with your opponent’s name printed on it. (Do I really need to explain that one?)
* Screw emery boards. If you’re going to give out something to get the female vote, make it something they can really use… TAMPONS
I’ll have my name on it too. Embossed with raised letters in ALL CAPS on the top of every applicator.
Win or lose, I’ll have something to brag about for years to come.
* For the male (and even more female) votes… I would blow most of the campaign money in bars buying everyone drinks. HOW COULD YOU NOT VOTE FOR ME AFTER THAT???
* At debates and forums, dance over “the issues” in your rebuttal by saying “Well at least I didn’t… [insert things your private detective dug up about your opponent here]…”. Counter his boring proposal chart with a huge photo of him done up as a clown, or better yet, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.
NOTE: While humiliation and mudslinging is important in every campaign (not to mention my fortï¿½), this can backfire as you want people to remember *YOU* at the polls, not the sap who was stupid enough to oppose you. Moderation and self-control is your friend.
I’m very nervously watching the judge’s race this year. Primarily, it will handle family court (custody cases, child welfare, etc.). I’m not going to name names, but it’s one of those “OH NO! NOT HIM!! ANYONE BUT HIM!!!” kind of races. In light of recent events, I probably shouldn’t even be writing this post.
It kind of cracks me up to read on another candidate’s site where he lists charts based on experience, qualifications and integrity. On the “integrity” one, Mr. “prosecutorial misconduct” scored so low, I wondered why there wasn’t a “rat bastard” level on the chart.
Well, no matter what, I can thank God I no longer live in that county. If the aforementioned candidate gets on the bench, and CP$ is knocking on your door…
…you may as well pack your kids stuff, kiss them goodbye, and prepare them for a life of physical and sexual abuse in foster care now.
That candidate has the best chance of winning, by the way.
Tuesday will settle my theory, once and for all, that “there’s no such thing as bad press.”
EricBrooks.Comï¿½ – Who STILL thinks Jennifer Wise would look REALLY HOT in a judge’s robe. What do you think?