Tales from a dead shaman

GO FIGHTING WHITIES!!!!
(Hee hee… it’s about fucking time!!!)

Sometime in 1995, I was half asleep, in my apartment in Maspeth, Queens, with the spirit of a Massapequadi Shaman sitting on my bed telling me a story….

Not that this is anything out of the ordinary. We had the landlord’s dead mother in law there all the time too (She loved us. We took turns torturing the assholes upstairs.). And I’m sure this kind of stuff happens to you guys too (‘cuz you’re a bunch of pschizophrenic fruitcakes!). But I thought the story was cool, and I have nothing better to post, and it’s been on my mind for two weeks now for some reason.

The story begins thousands of years ago, with a ferocious, unstoppable beast roaming the land… devouring everything (or anyone) in his path.

Tribal hunters were commissioned to go out there, intercept the creature, and protect their villages… But the beast was too smart to ever become “the hunted”, and they all met their horrible fates, along with their villages.
Continue reading “Tales from a dead shaman”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Hell is for Children

A lot of people ask me what is the horrible thing that we’ve done that brought C&Y into our lives and why they’ve decided to stay as long as they have.

This probably the most-asked question I get. Well, I owe you guys this much:

Considering we “claim” that we don’t drink, do drugs, physically, mentally, verbally or sexually abuse our children… I guess it’s only natural for you to wonder this.

Fair enough. I’ll tell you.

Are you sitting down?

A year and a half ago, my eldest daughter didn’t want to go to school.
Her guidance counselor sicced them on us after repeated warnings.

*GASP!*

Whaddya mean, “That’s it???” ??!!??
It’s big shit out here. Schools lose big bucks from the state, based on student attendance. They have their own police that show up at your door (anyone remember “Truant Officers”?). Parents get fined, parents go to jail, kids get taken into protective custody.

Our case worker at the time: “I can’t wait to close this, so I can go back to *REAL* cases”.

When we moved out of Monroe County, and into Pike… my wife decided to Home School them ( Hi, Ruminator! ). We worked closely with the East Stroudburg School District and Pike County C&Y on how to go about doing this. My wife was handed applications for “Homebound Instruction”, the caseworker approved it, and it sat in the doctor’s office for over a month, unsigned.

Guess what? Do you know the difference between “Homebound Instruction” and “Homeschool Instruction”? We didn’t. “Homebound Instruction” is when your child can’t go to school because of mental or physical disabilities.

The dumbass woman at the district handed us the *WRONG* papers.

Once the superintendent of the district got word of this, he had our caseworker’s ass *NAILED* to the wall. She should have known the difference. I understand she was driven to tears with the reaming she got for her share of the incompetence.

That caseworker eventually became our CASE SUPERVISOR a month or two later.

…. and a lightbulb flips on over everyone’s heads! Now you get it?

Our lives have been living hell ever since. Then the “Animal Abuse” saga happened over the summer, that was all she needed to hook her claws in …and good! The case was supposed to close in March 2001.

Visits twice a week, surprise visits, court–ordered counseling, parenting courses… and all sorts of ludicrous demands in a “family plan” that we signed under duress, because they had our kids hostage at the time.

My personal favorite is the fact that I had to pay them “Child Support” through this.

We have to remake the kids beds, because it’s not up to their standards. They’ll flip if they see so much as a crumb on the rug. God forbid there’s a toy on the floor… that’s “clutter”.

Our psycho landlord stopped paying her mortgage in May, 2001. The house we’re renting is in foreclosure.

July, 2001, on a cell phone call to the court house, when we were *this* close to getting our kids back… she told our case workers we owed three months rent, and eviction papers were drawn up. No one ever bothered to ask her the name of the law firm handling it… ‘cuz the sheriff’s department knew nothing about this. We paid psycho landlord all that money (some of you helped!). We paid rent faithfully until we were served by the sheriff at the end of September 2001 and *advised* not to pay rent, and save up for a new place.

We have less than a month to find a home, approved by them, or the kids are spending a minimum of 6 months in foster care.

I have a “Wanted to Rent” ad in the paper. I have friends calling and emailing leads. Our names are listed in every Real Estate in the Poconos. We look at at least 2–3 houses a week. Either they’re ridiculously–priced, dumps, we have too many kids…,

Or if we manage to get as far as “when can you move in?”, C&Y calls and verify things with the landlord. Suddenly the landlord has “other people looking at the house/moving in”.

The case is confidential. They can’t discuss the details with the landlord. I wouldn’t rent to a pack of child abusers, would you???

Now you know the *WHOLE* story. At least as much as you need to.

Btw, my eldest daughter was in the paper last week as she made honors. Last month, another was cited for her community service in the Girl Scouts. Another just asked me today if I can take time off next week to see her honored in assembly as “Student of the Month“….

Of course, that’s all irrelevant.

Just something for you to think about…
With all the time they spend on us, there’s a little Kare, a little Deborah, or a little Matt Rossi out there being beaten, raped, and/or murdered by subhuman trash who had no right to reproduce. In the time it took you to read this blog entry, a child died in the United States. Four more will be dead in the next 24 hours.

… and those sadistic bastards at Children and Youth are nowhere to be found to help any of them.

Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?

Hell is for Children.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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How to REALLY write a better weblog…

“Life is like a package of twinkies…
Look too close at the ingredients, realize what kind of shit you’re putting in your system, and you won’t enjoy enjoy junk food no more….”
– Forrest Brooks –

Sometimes it’s better not to look too close at things, knowhutImeanVern?

I did it… after commenting all over the place, I finally caved in and read How to Write a Better Weblog. Now I actually know what I’m talking about.

I won’t waste my time with what I think was so wrong & offensive about it. To me, this was the *writer’s opinion* of what *he liked* in a weblog & I guess what was so offensive was his arrogant stance, expecting *you* to conform to *his* tastes and standards…

Don’t change a thing, people… don’t make me come though your screen and bitchslap you!
Continue reading “How to REALLY write a better weblog…”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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The Chinese Finger Lock

My wife & I saw our new therapist today.

Yeah. I know what you’re thinking: “Eric, you’re the SANEST guy I ever met, wtf????”

I know. But it’s court ordered by Pike C&Y part of the whole “Family Plan” we had to sign (under duress, I might add…) in order to get the kids back over the summer. It also includes little diddys like “No more pets” and “no more Motels” (guess we have to sleep in the streets if a snowstorm strands us in Stroudsburg, or we go on vacation.). Carole & I had to seek counseling under this “Family Plan”. Not the kids, who are constantly having nightmares. Just us.

Unlike the other dickhead we had, whom I lovingly refer to as “Dr. Mind Control” (that guy could have put out a report to say “we’re fine”, at any time, and ended this bullshit, but instead he just wanted to keep the sessions going even after my EAP insurance ran out… just to keep getting paid.) …We like this one. We’ve even scheduled the kids (whom I think *need it*.) to see her.

She works for the same organization that was instrumental in raising 1/3 of the “ransom money” we needed to pay “Psycho landlord” (no eviction yet…btw) in July. They see eye to eye with us on a lot of what’s going on.

After trying to cram our saga in a 45–minute session, she offered this sage advice:

“Through total submission, you’ll achieve full control again.”

That may not make sense to you, but it’s the most brilliant fucking thing I’ve heard in a long time.
We have been fighting this part of the war all wrong.

This may come as a shock to you all… but in real life, I’m a smartass. Very sarcastic, and very rebellious.

No, Really.

And Carole is too. There is a constant “pissing match” as they rub one of us the wrong way…. deliberately. They pit us against each other, and all sorts of dirty tricks.

The agency only wants to dominate us, to wield full control over every aspect of our lives. And we always fight them tooth and nail every step of the way… thereby the need to “teach us a lesson”.

It’s like the “Chinese Finger Lock”. Instinctively we pull and resist… and their grip tightens.

She also said: “If you let them beat you, and they see they have the power over you… they *will* let you go.” This organization has had plenty of dealings with Pike C&Y. I believe her. As much as I’d love to crush them with a good lawyer… I know the price is too high to pay. It’s too bad, because I’m sure Lorimar Pictures would love to buy the movie rights… if we have one hell of an ending to it.

In real life, I’m also very charming and diplomatic (read: professional bullshit artist and two–faced.). I can pull this off. Let them break us… and we win. Makes sense in a “Zen” sort of way.

A Sensei always told me: “The battle is always won first in the mind.”
I can’t believe it took me this long to figure this out.

I looked up to see a beautiful blue sky today.
I haven’t been able to see in color since October.
It’s a brand new day.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Fear sucks… it really does.

A great topic is going on at The Back Porch. It’s all about fear.
Fear (like racism, hatred, and greed) is taught… it’s not a “natural instinct”.
Bet you didn’t know that.

Whether it’s a horrible (traumatic or embarrassing) life experience, or some neurotic lunatic drilled it in your head when you were younger. Think about how many times your mother stopped you from grabbing something off the stove… the fear didn’t set in until you finally got burned, didn’t it?

You became afraid of the dark after you saw your first horror movie, and that pile of clothes on the chair began to take the form of that hideous creature in the movie… just waiting to kill you in your sleep. Or you won’t get up to pee in the middle of the night for fear of being confronted by a ghost of a battered woman with slit wrists screaming at you.

Fear comes from losing control over your circumstances. When it’s out of your hands, you can become scared shitless real fast.

The only known cure for fear is to meet it head on. When you’re on the edge of the cliff, and nowhere to go but straight down…. sometimes the only thing you can do is take that step forward, and take a “leap of faith”… I’ve done it more times than I can count, and something has always caught me.

Like I said, it’s out of your hands. What have you got to lose?

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Black History Month

Dear White people:

In honor of Black History Month.. I’ve been asked to make a simple request of you. They’re not asking for much, okay? They’re over the “slavery” thing, they’re cool about that “busing” stuff… hell, they can even chuckle about “Amos & Andy” now (they’re still a little pissed about Jolson… don’t even go there!)

But please… white people… for all that is sacred:
STOP SINGING R&B!!!!!!
Continue reading “Black History Month”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Love is for suckers…

I don’t know when it happens. Or how it happens…

Whether you catch a glance in their eyes, and see straight into their soul; Something in their voice touches your heart… or their very presence makes your heart skip a beat;

Next thing you know, it hits you like a ton of bricks. You fall head over heels in love with them. Everything about them is magical. You can never get tired of talking to them, you want to know everything. You want to totally unravel the mystery of them…
Continue reading “Love is for suckers…”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Curse me and my penis!!!!

It’s my homage to female designers on the web. The madness and mayhem begins when I successfully tap into my “inner-woman” for help in a design project… unfortunately, our young hero discovers that his “inner-woman” is a psycho headcase with PMS (joy!).

Dedicated to Jann, and Deb… who can use some cheering up today. //**

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Sparrows on my shoulder

UPDATE: While Eric remains on his deathbed (given last rites, yesterday) “Celebrity Guest Blogger Weekend” continues… with Debbie Swenson

Hi everyone… long time no hear.

I had just finished finished nursing Bigfoot back to health, when I was saddened by the horrific news of Eric’s illness.

I arrived at the Lair of MiScHiEf, after stopping to gaze at the glorious sunset by the Delaware Water Gap. The golden streaks amid the purple hues in the clouds giving way to the blazing stars was extraordinary.

I probably shouldn’t have stayed and watched… since I had his prescriptions in the car, and he needed them bad. But I had to share this nonetheless.

It broke my heart to see this frail shell of a man suffer so. I remember how talanted he was, so full of life, and pure unbridled energy.
Continue reading “Sparrows on my shoulder”

Flu Shots are for p*ssies!

UPDATE: Eric is very very sick and cannot post so we launched “Celebrity Guest Blogger Weekend”. Ladies and gentlemen… Mr. George Carlin!

Hey there…

While Eric’s blowing globs of snot all over his co-workers, he asked me to fill in until he gets better. So I’ll take a crack at blogging that you kids are all crazy about.

I wanna talk about something here, something real important.

No it’s not about Ashcroft taking our civil rights and flushing them down the crapper; Or that moron we have in the White House trying to start the Cold War back up.

This is far more important… FLU SHOTS.

Yeah, yeah… “come on everybody, get your flu shots! Wooohoo Laaaa–dee–daa.”

ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING INSANE?????

They inject influenza into you!!! They add a few other additives an preservatives in it to help you develop an immunity to the flu…

BUT THEY GIVE YOU THE FRIGGIN FLU!!!!!

Some Moron: “We’ll yeah. Sure I’m in my bed writhing in agony for a few days, praying for the reaper to put me out of my misery… but hey, I won’t get the flu all winter long now!!! Yuk! Yuk!”

Me: “What if you weren’t going to get the flu this winter to begin with?”

Some Moron: “Uhhhh…. I didn’t think of that.”

Can someone… ANYONE please explain this concept to me? Me? I’ll just buy a heavy coat and a hat this winter. Thank you very much.

Can’t wait ’till they get these rocket scientists to try the “Ebola Shot”.

(Disclaimer: No, genius. This was NOT really posted by George Carlin like duh… okay?)

The Legend of the "A-List"

(For Tina, Hoopty, kd, and anyone else perplexed by all this talk of an “A–List”)

A broken and bitter old man addressed the crowd, gathered around the campfire, with a tale that has long been forgotten. His wooden staff barely holding him up.

It began toward the end of the twentieth century… where the world wide web was a vast frontier to be settled. There were titans and web gods roaming cyberspace. One man had been there the longest. He had many disciples and was revered as the King of all the web gods.

He saw that “all was good”.

A group of titans had developed weblogs and a way for the mortals to communicate as they did. They required no skill or effort… merely the push of a button. Their names were Ev, Meg, Jason, Matt, Jack, and Derek. They were worshipped and created a temple for the mortals to worship the titans as gods. They became known as “The A–List“. Ruling with an iron fist… challenged by none.

On Mt. Zeldman, the web gods grew jealous and bitter.

The ancient one spoke of one young web god, a vain and arrogant godling with strikingly handsome ice–blue eyes. He repeatedly questioned the king’s favoritism of the titans above all. The godling’s resentment and anger made him too dangerous and unpredictable to remain with the more complacent web gods. The young web god spoke of change and revolution… and many listened. Including the fearful king.

The king was left with no choice but to banish the young web god, and all his followers, from the heavens. Stripped of their godhood, they were forced to live as mortals.

The titans known as “The A–List” were slowly being crushed by the throng of worshippers who craved the recognition that belonged solely to the A–List. For there was no love in their hearts, and felt this great power was theirs and theirs alone. The gift of “blogging” was enough for these peasants as far as they were concerned. Their works were bland and shallow… many felt their weblogs were better.

The bitter and banished web gods bestowed the last of their immortality to the mortals… making some demigods, and sealing their own fate. For only an army of demigods can topple the dynasty of the titans.

Their temple became the source of their demise… the A–Listers were slowly being tortured and slaughtered by those that once worshipped them. They ran from the temple and were hunted by the demigods.

  • Meg, once queen of weblogs, was quoted as saying about the mortals “Let them blog cake” (whatever the hell that was supposed to mean!). The angry crowd had beheaded her, and the demigoddess known as Deb replaced her and was coronated as the new queen.
  • Matt was last seen screaming inside the walls of his crumbling temple. Jon became the new programming demigod.
  • Derek had retreated to Mt. Zeldman, unknown to all, a web god himself… he peacefully offers his disciple, the demigod Ezrael his place.
  • No one knows what horrible fate fell upon A–Listers Ev and Jack… no one ever cared enough to find out.
  • The most charasmatic of the titans, Jason, was called out by the demigod Graham… exposing the emperors new clothes with the saying “Like Kottke…only interesting“. And was easly defeated and replaced.

The successors of the A–List learned from the mistakes of the past. The web had grown a thousandfold… impossible to maintain, even for demigods.

More power was divided upon the mortals turned demigods… equally and without favoritism… and so it shall be forever more. For those that now abuse their power (not naming names here *cough*joe*cough*) will only suffer the same destructive fate as the long–forgotten A–List.

It has been rumored in Mt. Zeldman, that the king of all gods was pleased that day. With no need for a king anymore, he had left for the stars…off to create more great works elsewhere.

The ancient and weary old man finished his tale. One of hope and equality for all of webkind. His horrible burden had been lifted… and now free to sleep for eternity.

The flickering flames had revealed a glimmer of hope in his wrinkled, tired, yet strikingly handsome ice–blue eyes.

For he smiled and saw that “All is now good again”.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Zorro or Batman?

I almost never like anything I create.
For some strange reason, I’m really liking the way “Enemy of the State looks. It’s got a cross between “Zorro” and “Batman” going on here. At least I think so. Got the swashbuckling CyberPal carving a flaming “E”, the logo is the “Batman Forever Alternate” font… the colors are dark and foreboding with an air of uncertainty… and for once, I’m getting a minimal amount of shit when I check it in Netscape 4.7.

I had to take an extended leave from work while my wife is away. There’s no one else here for the kids.

My son and I are constantly switching off between the two heroes on videotape. I have to tie a cape on him when we watch the Batman movies, and he always goads me into a swordfight with our brooms when”The Mask of Zorro” is on.

I’ve always loved that movie. And it’s taken on such a significant meaning in our lives lately.

Like I said before, I’ve been confronted by enough assholes with badges, holding their guns, talking to (unarmed) me… been told enough times: “We do things differently out here”… that you can’t TELL ME our being New Yorkers doesn’t have just a little something to do with it?

That’s why My son and I like “The Mask Of Zorro” so much. Zorro fought for oppressed people living in the corrupt government of Alta California. Where “absolute power corrupts absolutely”. He also saw the price Don Diego de la Vega paid for his heroism. He lost everything he had, and was thrown in jail for 20 years. My son, at the age of four, knows that good people go to jail too.

Just like his mommy.

In the case of both Batman and Zorro, their heroism was born of great personal loss. Heroes are made, not born. Made out of a need by someone hurting to insure that what happened to them won’t happen to anyone else. I see it in my son’s eyes. I see it when he tries to protect his sisters (who happen to be three times his size).

My son wants to be a hero.

Where we came from (NYC), people with badges selflessly run into flaming buildings, return gunfire, and save lives without giving a second thought to how it may cost them their own. Not hound hard-working people who have fallen behind in their bills or down on their luck. Or because some joke of a roadside judge has nothing better to do than issue arrest warrants on a slow afternoon…

I picked my son up in the sheriff’s office the day they took his mom away. They gave him coloring books, and candy and even stuck a deputy sticker on his chest in order to cheer him up from the sight of his hysterical mom, being escorted by “biiiiig touuuugh” sheriffs…. going into a courtroom, knowing what awaited her.

Once we were out of the courthouse, he peeled off his “deputy” sticker, and threw it in the nearest trash can.

He even knows who the bad guys are.

Every day, when I have to do something I don’t want to do… call someone I don’t want to. When I lose all fight in me, and just want to curl up into a corner and give up. I just have to look into the eyes of that future superhero with the little plastic fireman’s hat, and red cape…
and I get just enough strength to keep going…

The little guy is *already* my hero.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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What Is The Lesson Here?

Screw you...Home Depot!10/17/01 – I’m sitting here with $2,800 in my pocket, a broken heart, and a quease you can’t possibly imagine.

The law: If you bounce a check, you either make good on it… or you go to jail. Makes perfect sense. In essence, you basically took an item or service… and you didn’t pay for it. That’s stealing.

Yes, I understand that.

When you privately own a company, and a sleazy con artist cleans out your bank account right from under you… it’s still your signature on those checks, and you are responsible for making those checks good.

I understand that too. That was never in question.

But when a judge looks at your history… sees how many times you’ve been in court since the summer of 2000 trying to straighten this mess out; refuses your money, goes back on a previous agreement because of the District Attorney and decides "Enough is enough! You need to learn your lesson…"

Sorry. I’m lost there.
Clarify this for me Judge Cheslock… what lesson needs to be learned here?

Don’t write checks when there’s not enough money in the bank account?
Well, DUH… that’s common sense. It took three weeks for all of the NSF notices to pour in and to find out how a sleazoid was cleaning out a bank account with back-dated checks. She immediately went to the bank, had the account closed, and put all of the new business deposits in a new account. Put a stop on any outstanding checks that were going to bounce.

Then there’s the matter of $10,000 in bad checks… work with these people to keep it out of the courts. Take care of each court case as they come in.

Did that. It’s cost this family close to $19,000 in restitution and court costs. It cost us our home. It’s driven her parents and our friends to the point of bankruptcy.

Every account she has faced in court has been bad checks from a three week period of June, 2000. Once there was a problem… she stopped writing checks.

Did you take that into consideration, Judge Cheslock?

How about in July, 2000… when she handed over evidence to a grand jury in New Jersey? They found the previous owner of "Creative Design" , Ed Giguere guilty of fraud, and theft by deception. He had to cough up $50,000 in restitution to the homeowners he took deposits from, or be someone’s "wife" in a Jersey prison.

Charges that he originally really tried to pin on my wife?

She turned the tables on him… thanks to a judge and a grand jury that actually looked at the evidence and employed wisdom to their judgement. New Jersey quickly saw justice being served.

It was supposed to set the precident in Pennsylvania. It was supposed to pave the way to a civil suit, that would result in restitution to dozens of homeowners seeking justice here. A light at the end of our tunnel.

"No way", says Monroe County’s idiotic District Attorney, Mark Pazuhanich to my wife. "You have too many checks and criminal cases out there that need to be cleared up first… then come to my office."

In other words… "let’s do this the ass-backwards way."

Let’s leave tons of honest, hard-working people screwed, and angry, and willing to lash out at someone else. This short-sighted view will let a true criminal and con-artist, known for starting a business, running it to the ground and selling it off to an unknowing sucker… leaving them holding the bag. He did this four times before "Creative Design". He’ll keep on doing it until a judge decides "HE needs to learn a lesson".

I saw the hopelessness in this situation last fall and begged her to "let’s get the hell out of here, and battle this from a safe distance… on our terms, and in our time."

Her argument was "What are we teaching our children? To run from their problems?"

Yeah… look where that’s gotten us so far.
Is that the lesson, Judge Cheslock?

Screw you...Home Depot!We prayed for a miracle… the case against Home Depot was hopeless. This one has gone on since October 2000. We’ve had the restitution money in our hands at least three times over… then some other case comes up, that wouldn’t wait either… and out went the money. Her defense lawyer pulled every trick in the book to keep postponing it.

Largely, thanks to my in-laws, we made it at the last minute. But we were $200 short of the $2,801.61 five minutes before the court session, my boss loaned it to me.

Out of breath, running six blocks from an ATM to the courthouse, I was stopped at the courtroom doors, and asked to pick up my son from the Sheriff’s office. She was told in the elevators that the judge and Home Depot’s lawyers wants to give her 6 months… whether she had the money or not.

Carole’s attorney got it down to thirty days. Two sentences running concurrently.

Thirty days of me taking care of five hysterical kids, who have ALREADY been through hell and back; trying to figure out where the hell we’re going to live, as the house we’re renting went into forclosure last month (remember when I had to send all that money to my landlord to get the kids back?); and an agency watching our every move, ready to pull those kids back into foster care at the first sign of trouble…

The answer? Take a leave of absence from my job, go on welfare,
and let the taxpayers pay for all this, or I lose the kids.

Yeah… I learned the lesson, your honor…

Screw you...Home Depot!Home Depot, a multi-billion dollar corporation can use the law to screw over anyone they want. I’ve got the money right in my pocket… and they won’t take it, because they don’t need it.

Don’t look at a family working their asses off trying to right a wrong, Judge Cheslock…. just look at the arrest warrants, and the number of times she’s been in court for bounced checks because of a three-week period in June 2000, and judge her on that. Nice.

Screw you...Home Depot!All of you that shop at Home Depot, and planning on giving them your business… get the hell off my site right now.

And don’t come back.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Evil Bert is Dead

Sometime last night, Web Designer Dino Ignacio pulled the plug on his long-running internet-cult-classic “Bert is Evil” site. It was his own personal decision. No “cease & desists” or threats involved.

Seeing his work on a pro-Taliban protest was apparently too much for him. The Children’s Television Workshop, is also panicking at the site of one of their creations, broadcast around the world next to the most dangerous man alive.

I think these people need to reach deep down inside, and see the hilarious irony of it all… Osama’s own supporters made an ASSHOLE out of him. And Bert helped. Whether it was our Special Forces slipping it into the printing plates, or the “official story” of an honest mistake by the printer… it was effective and humiliating nonetheless.

The story about “Sesame Street being bombed” was a fabrication. Elmo, Big Bird, Zoe and the gang are all alive & well. It was propaganda. I took that day’s events, like any good American, and rolled with it…..

<The sound of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” blaring in the background>

I want the memory of that protest in Bangladesh embedded in the world’s mind forever. The world needs to talk about it, and laugh at Ass-ama forever. Let the world know that The Taliban and Al-Qaeda’s contempt for our culture will be the means to their demise… you were humiliated by a muppet, Assama!

And most of all….

Flag courtesy of Comstock Images, Bert Courtesy of CTW….

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Bush orders air strike on Sesame Street

Bush Addresses the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the latest assault against Evil Muppet Bert. (Shown here in a photo with Osama bin Laden in 1998)

Photo: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) – In his vow to to “rid the world of evildoers, and punish those that harbor them”. President Bush signed an executive order to launch a surprise air attack on Sesame Street this morning.

The attack was launched in retaliation against Bert, a muppet with ties to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network, several mob organizations, and feared thoughout the underworld as “That scary little furry guy”. The death toll is mounting of up to 150 muppets and rising. The toll may be higher, as correspondents are seeing fur, felt, and stuffing all in the ruins.

“But why attack all of us???”, cried a resident, who only wanted to be referred to as “Gina”, “we’re as terrified of Bert as the rest of the world… we’ve done nothing wrong”.

Chilling evidence of Bert’s involvement in the latest terrorism attacks. In a rally in Bangladesh, 9/10/01, Bert is seen in a supportive poster.

Photo: Reuters

The main target was Mr. Hooper’s store, now in ruins. It was a suspected front for Bert’s operations.

President Bush addressed the Joint Chiefs of Staff this morning, and was quoted in saying: “Make no mistake, this nation will not rest until this furry little bastard is turned into someone’s oven mitt….”

There is no evidence of whether Bert survived the attack. Or was anywhere NEAR Sesame Street at the time.

The President will address the Nation tonight at 9:30 PM (That’s when the little hand is on the 9, and the big hand is on the 6). To discuss this latest operation, entitled OPERATION: Nail the GODDAMN Sock Puppet.

Brought to you by the Letter “S”.
For “SPECIAL FORCES (Psychological Operations)”
and “SUCK MY DICK, OSAMA!”

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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Friday Propaganda…

Osama bin Laden | Photo courtesy of APInside the minds of Terrorists

For the sake of children, experiencing war for the first time… I have denoted words they may not understand with asterisks (*), so they can appreciate the fine art of propaganda*. Answer key at the bottom.

The following hand-written note was found inside a flight manual in a suspect’s abandoned vehicle, translated from Farsi*

THINGS TO DO LIST

– Wake up, face the East, praise Allah* for his love and grace, and for the painful, gruesome death of Jews and Americans everywhere.

– Decide whether to milk the camel or blow shit up.

– Sniff the leftover bowl of cous-cous*, to see if it is suitable to eat for breakfast.

– Run to the market to pick up goat’s milk, a laws rocket launcher, and a stick of butter. (Find out if your order of bio-chemical weapons are in yet!)

– Sit down and try to plot the downfall of the United States, which is no easy feat as through this, you are being nagged by all six of your wives to go out and sweep the sand buildup outside of the tent because the neighbors are beginning to talk. At least two of them are suffering the curse of their “monthly effendi* coming to visit”. Come to think of it, there isn’t a day in the year when it isn’t happening to at least one of them…

– Curse the concept of polygamy*… the number one cause of suicide bombers in Al-Qaeda*.

– Go back outside, face the East and pray again. Or at least use that as an excuse to get away from the nagging bitches, and your 42 screaming kids.

– Take the camel out for a spin to the local Al-Qaeda* terrorist camp. It’s “Stag Film Night”, and the grand poo-bah promises this this film will actually show a hot Afghani woman exposing herself up to her left foot. Perhaps even an ankle!

– Hide the projector, pull up the screen to show your latest attack plan on the blackboard when a Taliban* official pops in looking to serve Osama bin Laden* with an eviction notice.

– A messenger arrives with a parchment from wife #3 (whats-her-name, you know, the pregnant one?), asking you to pick up some beef jerky on the way home from your most revered Jihad* meeting.

– You curse the sand her ancestors walked upon. It’s blashemy! Obviously she has been poisoned by western culture. (Besides, you already know that Pakistan has closed it’s borders to you. Not that it matters… 160 million Pakistanis, and not one of them owns a “Quicky Mart” or a “7-11”* over here.)

– This is the last straw on the loofah sponge, as you volunteer to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a suicide bomber for Allah. An eternity of paradise will be your reward, as well as twelve virgins, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.

(Translator’s note: This part of the radical mentality of these madmen remain an enigma to our investigators trying to establish a profile. He became a suicide bomber to get away from his six nagging wives, yet he’s now committing himself to spending all eternity with twice the amount of women???? Also, I wasn’t sure of the words originally used for “loofah sponge” and “Turtle Wax”, so I took a guess. Sue me.)

A N S W E R    K E Y

* Propaganda: Fictional or extremely biased and/or exagerrated material designed to piss you off, make you want to join the army and kill people you don’t know.

* Farsi: The most widely spoken language in the Middle East. Preferred language of Terrorists. Not all people that speak Farsi are Terrorists or necessarily bad people; in fact, if you are fluent in Farsi, the FBI will immediately hire you (they always have fresh doughnuts and a great 401K plan).

However, if they ARE speaking Farsi, and happen to be flailing a box cutter in the air, you probably should kill him, just to be safe. | Go Back Up

* Allah is the name Muslims use for “God”. Since Islam, Judaism and Christianity believe there is only one God… it stands to reason we all pray to the same Higher Being. He has many names and is worshipped in many different customs.

For example if your name is “John”, in Spain you would be called “Juan”.

In France, you would be “Jaques”, and most likely you’re sitting in an outdoor cafe, choking down slimy-ass slugs at $15 a pop… and thinking your dumb French ass is superior to any American, despite all the times we’ve LIBERATED YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASSES THROUGH HALF A GAZILLION ENEMY OCCUPATIONS, YOU COWARDLY MUTHERFUCKERS!!! | Go Back Up

* Cous-cous is a Middle Eastern delicacy consisting of some weird-ass round rice with a strange vinegar-like liquid to give a cooling effect. My best guess is it’s lighter fluid. Go figure. | Go Back Up

* Effendi: Farsi for “friend”. For the definition of a “monthly friend coming to visit”, we recommend you ask your older sister to explain that phrase. This is a lesson in Terrorism, not Sex Ed, okay? | Go Back Up

* Polygamy: Uhm…er… go ask your mom about her, dad and the mailman. It’s a similar concept. | Go Back Up

* Al-Qaeda: A bunch of douchebags. That’s all you need to know. | Go Back Up

* Al-Qaeda: I just explained this… what the hell is the matter with you???? | Go Back Up

* Taliban: Extremist right-wing fruitcakes who opress women, destroy priceless statues, and seem to think they’re still in the 12th Century.

This is evident as they refer to the British Monarchy as “King Richard’s Land of Infidels”, listen to The New Kids On The Block, and act like The Crusades happened last week. | Go Back Up

* Osama bin Laden: Reeeeal bad guy! The Bogeyman! Eat all your vegetables or Osama bin Laden WILL GET YOU!!!! | Go Back Up

* Jihad: “Holy War” or better translated as “When the Israelis or Americans kick our asses up and down the desert, as usual…”. | Go Back Up

* 7-11: Tell me you don’t know what a 7-11 is???? You are too stupid to live!!! Sign up and volunteer for the front lines NOW!!! Watch your step through the deeper ends of the gene pool…YOU MAY DROWN!!! | Go Back Up

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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My day in court…

Black Italian Double-breasted suit: $0 (Hand-me-down)
New Haircut: $0 (Didn’t have time)
Leaving your dogs alone in the State of Pennsylvania: $2,250.00

“Your honor, it was a time of tough decisions. A time to walk, hitchhike, and make it to work everyday by any means necessary. What happened was unfortunate, and I offer no excuses.”

That line impressed the hell out of the Magistrate, who I have to say was one of the fairest and kindest judges I’ve ever met. At certain points of the informal trial, I envisioned the outcome a thousand times worse than a mere fine.

“It’s actually refreshing to have someone take responsibility and not offer excuses for what they’ve done…”

A husband and wife was in a similar situation in that same court yesterday.

They are now spending the next three months in Pike County Correctional Facility.

I consider myself lucky.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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America needs to laugh again

Seriously. It’s part of the healing process.

You’d have to understand my origins to understand me. I’m from Brooklyn… we are world-reknowned for our sick humor at the darkest times.

Growing up in dilapidated house, no male role models to fix things as they broke… (My friends have been calling the house “1313 Mockingbird Lane” since Junior High School). You had to laugh at it. When I built a recording studio in my basement, to watch the toughest “gangstas” in Brooklyn haul ass, as sewer rats the size of chihuauhas came out to hear their lyrics…

That was funny as hell!

There were a lot of hard times there, it was overcrowded, it was hostile and dangerous to be a white person in that neighborhood after a while…

Humor got us through.

Early attempts to make us laugh after the tragedy was pretty bad. Poking fun at the WTC is like making fun of a rape victim (which is never funny, and when you think about it… that’s what happened to America on 9/11).

However….

  • Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors. – Fucking hilarious!
  • The Onion shows us how it’s done with its Special Report: “Holy Fucking Shit! Attack on America” – American satire at its best…. CHECK IT OUT!
  • All links via MetaFilter… which brings me to today’s Newz & Gossip:

    • The end of MetaFilter? – Former “A-Lister” and Webby loser Jason Kottke and MetaFilter mastermind (and former “A-lister”)Matthew Haughey discuss (as we’re all apparently ignored) how MetaFilter is a “hassle”, “may be scrapped”, and “turned into something it wasn’t meant to be”…

    Uhm… that would be total domination and worship of the “A-List”, wasn’t it?

    Matt, boobalah, do you realize what a juggernaut you have created?

    It’s valuable property… and if you play your cards right (ie: stop complaining about what a hassle it is to maintain.) You can make a small fortune selling it off with all your hard work and brilliant coding.

    Me? I’m all for the worship of the A-List…

    why?

    Because there is a new “A-List”. Run by the Axis of Jon Sullivan and Matthew Rossi (as confirmed here…).

    We MUST worship them! Compelling content and good discussion is what the people want… Besides, I know these guys. If I suck up to them enough,
    ***I can become an “A-Lister”.*** :0)

    • I will now proudly resume my role and bring you the finest in Newz, Gossip, and Pro-American Propaganda…

    Well, maybe…

    Tomorrow I face a judge on various charges for what happened over the summer… you all know what happened after that, and obviously this “Police State” isn’t done punishing us.

    For what? For being stranded, and doing the best you can to stay afloat.

    Will I do jail time? Will I face a stiff fine? Or will this Magistrate decide we’ve been punished enough?

    Sentencing is tomorrow morning in Dingman’s Ferry if you all have nothing better to do.

    I’m sure the same people who had a field day cracking “Trailer Jokes” as the Sheriffs locked us out of our home last February are going to have a field day with this one…

    Oh well, at least they’ll be laughing again. Laughter is good.

    Eric Brooks

    Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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