The Legend of the "A-List"

(For Tina, Hoopty, kd, and anyone else perplexed by all this talk of an “A–List”)

A broken and bitter old man addressed the crowd, gathered around the campfire, with a tale that has long been forgotten. His wooden staff barely holding him up.

It began toward the end of the twentieth century… where the world wide web was a vast frontier to be settled. There were titans and web gods roaming cyberspace. One man had been there the longest. He had many disciples and was revered as the King of all the web gods.

He saw that “all was good”.

A group of titans had developed weblogs and a way for the mortals to communicate as they did. They required no skill or effort… merely the push of a button. Their names were Ev, Meg, Jason, Matt, Jack, and Derek. They were worshipped and created a temple for the mortals to worship the titans as gods. They became known as “The A–List“. Ruling with an iron fist… challenged by none.

On Mt. Zeldman, the web gods grew jealous and bitter.

The ancient one spoke of one young web god, a vain and arrogant godling with strikingly handsome ice–blue eyes. He repeatedly questioned the king’s favoritism of the titans above all. The godling’s resentment and anger made him too dangerous and unpredictable to remain with the more complacent web gods. The young web god spoke of change and revolution… and many listened. Including the fearful king.

The king was left with no choice but to banish the young web god, and all his followers, from the heavens. Stripped of their godhood, they were forced to live as mortals.

The titans known as “The A–List” were slowly being crushed by the throng of worshippers who craved the recognition that belonged solely to the A–List. For there was no love in their hearts, and felt this great power was theirs and theirs alone. The gift of “blogging” was enough for these peasants as far as they were concerned. Their works were bland and shallow… many felt their weblogs were better.

The bitter and banished web gods bestowed the last of their immortality to the mortals… making some demigods, and sealing their own fate. For only an army of demigods can topple the dynasty of the titans.

Their temple became the source of their demise… the A–Listers were slowly being tortured and slaughtered by those that once worshipped them. They ran from the temple and were hunted by the demigods.

  • Meg, once queen of weblogs, was quoted as saying about the mortals “Let them blog cake” (whatever the hell that was supposed to mean!). The angry crowd had beheaded her, and the demigoddess known as Deb replaced her and was coronated as the new queen.
  • Matt was last seen screaming inside the walls of his crumbling temple. Jon became the new programming demigod.
  • Derek had retreated to Mt. Zeldman, unknown to all, a web god himself… he peacefully offers his disciple, the demigod Ezrael his place.
  • No one knows what horrible fate fell upon A–Listers Ev and Jack… no one ever cared enough to find out.
  • The most charasmatic of the titans, Jason, was called out by the demigod Graham… exposing the emperors new clothes with the saying “Like Kottke…only interesting“. And was easly defeated and replaced.

The successors of the A–List learned from the mistakes of the past. The web had grown a thousandfold… impossible to maintain, even for demigods.

More power was divided upon the mortals turned demigods… equally and without favoritism… and so it shall be forever more. For those that now abuse their power (not naming names here *cough*joe*cough*) will only suffer the same destructive fate as the long–forgotten A–List.

It has been rumored in Mt. Zeldman, that the king of all gods was pleased that day. With no need for a king anymore, he had left for the stars…off to create more great works elsewhere.

The ancient and weary old man finished his tale. One of hope and equality for all of webkind. His horrible burden had been lifted… and now free to sleep for eternity.

The flickering flames had revealed a glimmer of hope in his wrinkled, tired, yet strikingly handsome ice–blue eyes.

For he smiled and saw that “All is now good again”.

Eric Brooks

Musician, Programmer, Graphic Designer, Evil Clown - A thorn in the Internet's side since 1997 with no intention of stopping any time soon.

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24 thoughts on “The Legend of the "A-List"

  1. oF COURSE i READ THIS SITE. fOR gOD’S SAKE, ITs my salvation, e.
    ZEE LISTErs R GOod!
    The buttonation of the ZEE LISTErS will be later this p.m. or early in the am tomorrow.
    Love ya………
    and that adorable Brooks Family, too.

  2. *sniff*…that…was…the…most beautiful…..awful account of the true world….*hack*…..*spit on matt*…….I’ve ever……read……

    Buttonation to begin at 0700 hours pacific this eve.

  3. oh. my. god. well first of all, not a good thing to try & read when you’re trying to quietly sneak a little surfing in at work – cause of the coffee thru the nose problem.

    braver words were never spoken. now, everybody, DUCK.

  4. That Eric, he is such a troublemaker – no, wait, what was it? "A humorous adorable pig"? Like Babe with an attitude.

  5. Well, i wanna be a ZEE LISTer! I already got a slogan:

    "I’m a ZEE LISTer… got a problem with that?"

  6. Gee… I kinda thought you guys would start bitching "Hey…where am I???"

    I’ll probably work on a sequel where the webgoddess, kd, saves a little of her immortality and brings the old man back to godhood…. (OH WAIT… THAT’S TOP SECRET… dammit, where’s the "edit" button on this damn thing.)

    I’ll think of something clever for the rest of you guys…

  7. I elect BatGrl to come up with the cute little names…

    But we all still call Jon "Tater Boy" (snicker chortle!) Agreed?

  8. I think the demigods just needed a good shagging! Right Hoopty? *wink* *nudge*

    *sniffle* Seriously… your story of warmth and truth brought a tear to me eye. And a snicker to me lips. *cackle*

    Long live the Z–sters!

  9. "I’ll think of something clever for the rest of you guys…"

    Oh that’s ok, really, don’t bother – I prefer to lurk in the shadows and giggle muchly, thankyou!

    "But we all still call Jon "Tater Boy" (snicker chortle!) Agreed?"

    Well we can, but he seems sad and serious lately and (more importantly) does not react to teasing. Sad isn’t it? I feel quelled… But maybe he will cheer up soon,

    Linkmeister – golden calf is over there to your right. Eric’s turned it into an endtable.

  10. Hey baby, you pickin’ on those A–Listers again? I thought we already decided that *we* were the new A–Listers….;)

  11. Finally got time to do a good read of this one. I must say Eric, it is one of your finer and most accurate pieces to date.

    Look out for the flying pigs Batty. 😉

  12. I have decided to give up and simply accept the flying pigs. There have been so many in the past few months. (ggl!) I’ve even invited them in off the porch and into the house so they won’t get chilly. Later I’m going to figure out how to dye them purple and put lil bows on their ears.

  13. OW!!! (Damn flying pigs!!!)
    Thank you Faith…

    For the record, y’all… Faith was one of those Web Goddesses cast out by the Z–Man… So she was there…

    (The fact that you people are billing this as "all truth" is scaring the hell out of me… must be the part about me dying in the end that makes you jackals happy!)

  14. "I thought it was a fatted calf? "

    If that’s addressed to me, the fatted calf was killed for the prodigal son. I was trying to allude (badly) to the golden calf being worshiped at the foot of Sinai while the tablets were being rec’d up on top.

  15. Ahhh… da LinkMeister waz paying attention to all of my hidden biblical messages… good. Very good….

  16. Hey man it’s good too see that you’re still doing what you do. When I need to read something with a little humor, you never fail to deliver, take care.

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