Dear -e-:

I am so disenchanted this year. Between Emin3m and Britney Spears, I swear I need to blow up a building to get attention these days.

I’ve had it. I’m packing it in.
It’s as though I’m all about selling merchandise for Mattel. Half the clowns out there don’t even look like me… what are they thinking? Do I get royalties???? NOOOOooooooo…. But it’s all about the almighty dollar, right? COUNT ME OUT!

Kris K.
North Pole

Christ on a cracker… here we go again.

Kris… babe….
Is it me, or do you pull this crap EVERY year? Some celebrity out there is the talk of kids everywhere, and you think they’ve forgotten all about you.

Listen to me, for I will only say this once: YOU ARE BUILT FOR DISTANCE. NOT SPEED.

Remember when we had this talk in the ’70’s, and you were ready to quit over the Bay City Rollers? THE BAY-FUCKING-CITY ROLLERS??!!?? One hit wonders. Where are they now? Pumping gas somewhere, I tell ya. You’re still around. Doesn’t it all seem silly now????

When the Beatles said they were “more popular than Jesus Christ”, they knew not to say “more popular than Santa”. Why? Cuz you’re larger than life, baby! You’re bigger than the Beatles, Elvis, and Andrew Ridgely put together! Lennon *KNEW* he was facing a lifetime of reindeer shit in his stockings if he crossed you, man!

As far as the “almighty dollar” and “mattel”? Dood… you are the ULTIMATE tool of American Capitalism!!!! All those years, taunting those Commie Soviet bastards by doing what you do, dressed in ALL RED no less… THAT’S STYLE! THAT’S CHUTZPAH!

For one month, every year, for all eternity… YOU ARE THE MAN. Every kid on the planet sucks up to you. And you wanna trade that in because of some flash-in-the-pan pop star? Come on, dude… give me a break.

Btw, I forgot to mail in my list, so can we make it the usual?
10-pack of polaroids of some naughty girls sleeping?
Thanks Big Guy!

Hey kids! Would you like to send a letter to e, and ask him his advice? Just leave a question in the comments. THANK YOU!