Category: Humor

Funny stuff. Duh.

Introducing… POPE BENNY!!!!

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Benedict XVI: German cardinal elected pope
“Just call me ‘Der Pope’…” his eminence humbly insists.

Pope Benny XVIVATICAN CITY – Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, a hard-line guardian of conservative doctrine, was elected the new pope Tuesday evening in the first conclave of the new millennium. He chose the name Pope Benedict XVI and called himself “a simple, humble worker.”

Awwww yeah!!!! LET’S GET READY TO HUMBLLLLLLLLE!*
For those of you hoping for a kinder, gentler Pope who will ease up and allow birth control and priests marrying, and gay rights? FORGET IT!
No more of that sissy “Easter/Christmas” crap for you! I wouldn’t be surprised if the following decrees are canonized post haste:
Continue reading “Introducing… POPE BENNY!!!!”

Death

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Getting old doesn’t phase me a bit.
It’s that “death” shit at the end that irritates me.

I tried to sell my soul to the Devil the other day. He just looked at his watch and said “That’s ok, I’ll wait”.

In a lot of ways, I’m getting better. I’m able to grasp complicated concepts now, with the aid of Ginkgo Biloba and Vivarins, I’m sharper than ever. I used to hear for years “You look tired”, now people think I’m a hyperactive problem adult a la Robin Williams. I’m stronger now, in fact, I’m probably in better shape than I’ve been in decades… and I don’t even work out! I know things about women now that I WISH I had known as a teen (thanks for never being there for me, dad. You asshole).

Of course there’s my hair falling out, and communicating with so many of my old friends that are going to be “middle aged” in the next few years, reminding me that our heydays in the mid-80’s are gone forever.

Hell, I’ll be 40 in August… but I don’t feel like it.
Continue reading “Death”

Move over Woody and Buzz…

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Is this a gift only a creepy uncle type would buy a kid, or what?
Talking Jesus, Mary and Moses dolls due to go on sale in May

Jesus Action Figure (with Holy Ghost grip™)
Jesus Action Figure (with Holy Ghost grip™)

WHOAH! When did Jesus and Moses become Black belts?

More important than that… is it safe to remove their sashes without the fear of them chasing you all around the apartment?

Children of Loki… REJOICE!

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Yes… to many, April 1th has all the magic and power as Christmas. For the Eternal Prankster it is one of the High Holy Days on the calendar.

If you recall last year, this entire site was in mirror reverse. Two years before that, I was reveling in a classic gag where I became a woman and seduced some asshole and put out all his letters online for his wife and business associates to see (and I did it LONG before that Libertarian “Girl” did.)….

There’s one prank ready to spring in the office as we speak. I will let you know how it goes.

Pulling pranks are easy. You just have to have a great sense of humor and be a vicious prick at the same time.

You know who’s NOT good at it? The Pope.
I mean come on… immediately after Terri Schiavo, you’re gonna pull this “Grave Condition” stunt on April Fools day no less, and expect me to fall for it???

Nice try, but timing is everything, your Eminence.

UPDATE – 2:45PM: Pope John Paul II has passed away.
UPDATE II – 2:53PM: OOPS! False alarm. A Cardinal stepped on the EKG Monitor plug by accident. HE LIVES!

And I went to H&R Block???

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Taxpayers get unexpected return–sex chat

“Hi, sexy. Welcome to Intimate Encounters.”

Not exactly the kind of message you expect to hear in the middle of doing your taxes, but that’s just what some TurboTax customers are getting as they try to set up their state returns.

A message in the business version of Intuit’s market-leading tax preparation software erroneously directs customers to a sex talk operation.

That’s funny!!!!
I got 4 grand back… I’m sticking with H&R Block, thankyouverymuch. I can get an AOL account if I want to hear that crap.

PS: Jackson-Hewitt sucks.

A.D. means “After Death”?

Posted on by Eric Brooks

(For the record, I have no idea what I believe in/don’t believe in any more. While I find the Bible impossible to acknowledge as “the inerrant word of God”, at the same time… something deep inside of me feels there’s something larger than all of us out there somewhere. And maybe, just maybe, there were bits of Higher Truth dictated to people at their level of understanding at the time. I can’t EXPLAIN it. So what I don’t understand, I mock & ridicule)

But I digress…
Not since the above-mentioned title of this post have I laughed so hard at a verbal misfire FROM the fundies….

Until tonight when I saw this post.
“The Bible says: ‘to thine own self be true.’…”

Continue reading “A.D. means “After Death”?”

Wanted: A two party system

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Dear Democratic Party:

OMG, you friggin’ people suck.
I came across this revelation as I walked Stroudsburg on my lunch hour, and I tripped over a wino.

You know what? I was convinced even HE could have beaten Bush in this election.

Americans all agree that Dubya is the kind of guy you’d want to have a beer with.
Well, guess what? My wino friend is already there, man!

Come up with all the conspiracy theories you want (Jewish touch screen voting machines by gay Halliburton martians, whatever…) Look, Bush won the election. He was winning Ohio when I went to bed at 3AM.

Now you are going to rack your brains out for the next four years going “where did we go wrong?”

Fact is, you fucking people don’t listen. You make the same mistakes over and over. You did it in 2000, you did it in 1988… you’re gonna do it again in 2008.

Continue reading “Wanted: A two party system”

What the hell was that???

Posted on by Eric Brooks

I’ve been slaving away on a work related project (at home, as usual… I don’t think the kids would even know who I am, unless I showed them the back of my head.)

It’s for the election, so I needed to scour my sources for clip art like a flag, eagles & stuff.

Have you ever seen a bald eagle up close?
Oh. my. fucking. gawd. They’re all over the Poconos… and they’re HUGE!

It reminded me of a few weeks ago while heading in to Stroudsburg. I thought some kid was screwing with us with one of those big toy planes…

Hell no. It was an eagle with, I could swear, a six or seven foot wing span. And he was carrying his breakfast in his talons (I think it was a buffalo), and he’s swooping in to try and DROP it in front of our car as we’re on I-80.

I guess he wanted his food flattened or grilled or something.
Holy crap. Bad enough the deer are trying to kill us.

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