* The vote was “Blaze of Glory”, wasn’t it? * so…
I feel like kicking off the New Years party a little early.
This onez goin’ out to my homegirl, Mollie… and my man, Farid….
CUZ BROOKLYN’Z IN DA HOUUUUUUUUSE!!!!!!!!!

*Walks to turn tables*

*ZOOOGA-ZOOGA-ZOOGA-ZOOOGA!!!* < ~~ (click the link to play the music!) [Intro]
Two blogrolling girls go round the outside;
round the outside, round the outside
*scratches*
Two blogrolling girls go round the outside;
round the outside, round the outside
*scratches*

Guess who’s back
Back again
-e- is back
Tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back

guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back.. {*Eminem hums*}

[Verse 1: Eminem]
I’ve created a monster, cause nobody wants to see Eric no more
They want -e-, I’m chopped liver (huh?)
Well if you want The Enemy, this is what I’ll give ya
A little bit of wit mixed with some hard coding
Some MT that’ll jump start my site loading
than a shock when I get shocked at the hospital
by the doctor when I’m not co-operating
When I’m rockin the table while he’s operatin (hey!!)
You waited this long, now stop debating

Cause I’m back, I’m on the rag and ovu-lating
I know that you got a blog Ms. kd
but your Surreally site is complicating

So Zeldman’s friends won’t let me be
or let me be me, so let me see
They try to shut me down on MeFi’s screen
But blogland’s boring without me
So, come on and dip, rum on your lips
Fuck that, cum on your lips, and some on your tits
And get ready, cause this shit’s about to get cra-zayyy
I just settled all my lawsuits,
FUCK YOU, PA!

[Chorus: -e-]
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just link to me
Cause we need a little, controversy
Cause the web’s so boring without me
I said this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just link to me
Cause we need a little, controversy
CAUSE THE WEB’S SO BORING WITHOUT ME

[Verse 2: Eminem]
Raizin’ Hellions, Miz Kitty’s rebellious
Embarrassed their parents still readin’ the A–List
They start feelin like prisoners helpless
’til someone comes along on a mission and yells DICK!!!

A visionary, vision of scary
Could start a revolution, pollutin the airwaves
A rebel, so just let me revel and bask
in the fact that I got everyone kissin my ass {*smak*}
And it’s a disaster, such a castastrophe
for you to see so damn much of Dawn’s ass; you asked for me?
Well I’m back, na–na–na–na–na–na–na–na–na–na
{*bzzt*} Fix your damn comments tune it in and then I’m gonna
enter in, in the front of your skin like a splinter

The center of attention, back for the winter
I’m interesting, the best thing since ranting
What’s brewin’? ‘Round the bend, panting
{*bzzt*} Testing, attention please
Feel the tension, soon as someone mentions SLEAZE
Here’s my ten cents, my two cents is free
TRACKBACK, PINGBACK? YOU SENT FOR ME?

[Chorus: Obie]
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just link to me
Cause we need a little, controversy
Cause the web’s so boring without me
I said this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just link to me
Cause we need a little, controversy
CAUSE THE WEB’S SO BORING WITHOUT ME

[Verse 3: Dre]
A-tisket a-tasket, I go tit for tat with
anybody who’s talkin this shit, that shit
Wil Wheaton, you’re due for a beat-in’
worse than them little MeFi cretins
And Godzilla? You can get stomped by Davezilla
You 90-year-old slant-eyed sil-ly sill-az!
You don’t know me, you’re too old, we resist
It’s over, nobody listens to your cease-and-desist
Now let’s go, let’s see the results
I’ll be there with a whole list full of new insults
I been dope, a linkwhore with a keyboard
you even stare as I polish my new sword {*knife slices*}
But sometimes the shit just seems
everybody only wants to discuss me
So this must mean I’m dis-gus-ting
But it’s just me, I’m just obscene

No I’m not the first king of controversy
I am the worst thing since reading Hoopty
to do mad blogging so skill-fully
and used it to make people ill for me
(Hey!!) There’s a concept that works
Twenty million other blog-gy bloggers emerge
But no matter how many fish in the sea
IT WOULD BE SO BORING WITHOUT ME!

[Chorus: Eminem, -e-, Obie, & Dre]
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just link to me
Cause we need a little, controversy
Cause the web’s so boring without me
I said this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just link to me
Cause we need a little, controversy
CAUSE THE WEB’S SO BORING WITHOUT ME

{*Eminem sings this twice:
“Chem–hie–la–la–la, la–la–la–la–la

La–la–la–la–la, la–la–la–la“*}

[Eminem] Kids!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
HAPPY NEW YEAR, Y’ALL!!!!
Love,
-e-
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m too old (and the wrong sex) to be a “Skeemer”, right?
Hey, have any of you guys ever heard of The Grand Skeem?

It’s a band out of NYC, I know they have a MASSIVE following in the NY/PA/NJ area, and they get a lot of airplay here. I’m trying to figure out if they caught on in the rest of the country.

We caught them Friday night at Fernwood for a charity show they put on for underpriviledged kids & a local hospice. These guys put on one hell of a show! The best comparison I can make for them would be a cross between The Beastie Boys and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Kind of a hard-rock/hip hop mix.

Anarchtica is like their second home, as they filmed their “Baby Got Back” video at Fernwood. Then premiered it before MTV showed it at the Stroud Mall.

Talented as hell, and really nice guys too… they’re gonna be big.

So here ya go…

On sale in stores NOW! Buy it at Amazon.Com It’s Party Time  [RealAudio] |  [MP3] In-N-Out  [RealAudio] |  [MP3] Baby Got Back  [RealAudio] |  [MP3] Shorti  [RealAudio] |  [MP3]

“I love a few, like a few more, but hate many. I am not your best friend just because I relate. I am good at relating, but I am not so good at accepting everything I read. It’s just not me. Is it you, really?”
~ Ångel ~

“While weblogs are essentially a good thing, I feel like it put a lot more people, maybe too many people, on common ground. I think this is the first time that’s ever really happened on the ‘Net… I just cannot say I don’t miss the old days, when things were simpler because the scope was smaller, because I do miss them very much. “
~ Ångel (again) ~

I’d love nothing more right now to accuse Angel of flat-out PLAGIARISM for these two posts. They’re word-for-word straight out of my thoughts. Stuff that’s been in my heart for months, maybe years… only, they ARE her words. She managed to articulate this better than I ever could, and got it out first.

You have to understand first, that the Web that Angel and I (and quite a few of you) knew is a different one from the one we’re in now. Back then, you had larger-than-life “Web Celebs”: Zeldman, Powazek, Kottke, Miz Kitty, Halcyon, Heather Champ, Lance Arthur, Glenn Davis… you aspired to be like them. You stole bits and pieces of their source code to learn “how they did it”.

And here’s where I piss everyone off.
(Let me say in advance, “Fuck you” if you can’t take my brutal honesty.)
Then weblogs came and fucked it all up.
Then, when you thought it couldn’t get worse… Slashdot and MetaFilter fucked it even more.
Continue reading “-e- piphany”

Dear -e-

I am in third grade.
Robby (who sits behind me in school) says there is no Santa Claus. This ruined my holiday, and I want him dead in the worst way. He says it is my parents buyeing the gifts and pretending it is from Santa.

Is this true? Is there really no Santa Claus?

Cindy P.      
Roanoke, Virginia      

---

Dear Cindy:
Why do you listen to that jerk in your class, anyway? Isn’t this the same kid who said “Babies come from a cabbage patch”????

A few years back, my daughter was your age, and she came home crying because some trailer-trash-welfare-recipient kid told her the same damn thing… I looked her right in the eyes and told her:

“There IS a Santa Claus”.

To this day, I have NEVER lied to my kids.
Continue reading “There’s no such thing as… WHO???”

(Does this sound like anyone you know? I can think of at least five people off the top of my head….)

Idiot: “Dammit to hell, this ‘Freedom of Speech’ stuff is bullshit. We don’t have it!”

Me: “Sure we do.”

Idiot: “Everytime I open my mouth, someone attacks me in my comments.”

Me: “Well, they have freedom of speech too, remember?”

Idiot: “It’s not RIGHT!!!!”

Me: “Yeah, that “freedom” stuff is a bitch, ain’t it?”
Continue reading “The First Amendment for dummies.”

“OMG!!! She was so ugly, she looked like she was just hit with a hot bag of ‘ What the Fuck ‘…!!!!!!”

Well, my first day as a Mutated Self-Aware Computer Virus didn’t go as well as I had hoped. The first thing I learned is that you can’t expect to wipe out 120,000 hard drives when you pass yourself along in an email with the subject: “I’M A VIRUS!!!! CLICK ME, YOU ASSHOLE!!!”.

Ok. Three people on AOL fell for it.

The Next trip was trying to cheer up poor, sickly, KittyBat, who had her first BatChat last night. The instructions were really hard for moronspeople to follow, so I made a loverly graphic, with even more specific instructions. (LinkMeister did the same on the Z-List Blog)

Problem is it took me so damn long, that by the time I was done posting it, everyone went home.
But it was a pretty nice turn out. Even if they were all nervous because, well, a virus was in the chat room flirting with them.

Then next stop was The SickSider’s new home…

I didn’t mean to do it…
Everyone was having fun with the Microsoft-proprietary “Marquee” tag. So I did it. ‘cept I forgot to close my tag, and poor Kimberly’s entire page was whizzing all over the place and no one else could comment!

I wasn’t even worth a writeup on SARC.

All the other trojans & worms were teasing me and calling me a “hoax”…. :0(

It was more like “Night of the Idiot”.
Gonna be a better virus tonight. Watch.

Secundum Quid – Latin for “according to something”. If you’ve taken Logic in college, it’s also the concept of “Drawing a conclusion based on insufficient information”.

For example:
Fact #1 Mad people belong in an institution.
Fact #2 The flat tire made Mr. Jones mad.
Conclusion: Mr. Jones belongs in an institution.

Or from the IQ test:
“If some quips are quods, and all quos are quods…
Then some quips are quos?”
Makes sense to assume so, doesn’t it?

Unless you replace the words with:
“If some fish are mammals, and all dogs are mammals…
Then some fish are dogs?”

Once you grasp the concept of “Secundum Quid” you can alter the very fabric of reality… using your enemy’s own flawed thinking *against* them.

So now I pose to you… is the web fake?
Is everyone on the web a phony?

Do you have enough information to draw that conclusion?
Do you have enough information to draw that conclusion with those you know in real life?

There’s three sides to every story. One side, the other side (both using secundum quid, based solely on their perspective.), and somewhere in the middle is a thin, grey line called “the PURE truth”.

Rarely (if ever) do you see that side of the story. Even in real life “the history books are written by the winners”.

Weblogs are one-sided accounts based on the perspective of ONE person. You will know *only* what they want you to know. See *only* what they want you to see.

• Conclusion #1: The web is as real, or as fake, as you want it to be.
• Conclusion #2: Your entire LIFE, as you know it, is a LIE, based on your finite & limited point of view.
  How many times in your life were you “the last to know”?
• Conclusion #3: Eric didn’t write this to clarify anything… he just wanted to fuck you up for the rest of your life with this little tidbit of knowledge.

Everything you know, is because someone told you it is so…
Think about it.
Pleasant dreams! :0)

Sheeesh… you would think on this… the HOLIEST of all days, the gOdOfMiScHiEf would be planning something pretty damn spectacular right about now.

Too busy… maybe next year.

So you will have to settle for reruns here on Enemy of the State…

You see, before there was a gOdOfMiScHiEf… there was Rik Havyk.

Rik was a wild woman, the “girl of your wet dreams“. She’d be free to chat with you on AOL, cyber any guy who caught her profile, she knew what you wanted, and you can trust her your deepest, darkest secrets… just so she can post it on a web page for all to see!

Here’s something for you guys to, uh, think about…. Rik Havyk was really a GUY.
Continue reading “Rik Havyk’s greatest hits”

GO FIGHTING WHITIES!!!!
(Hee hee… it’s about fucking time!!!)

Sometime in 1995, I was half asleep, in my apartment in Maspeth, Queens, with the spirit of a Massapequadi Shaman sitting on my bed telling me a story….

Not that this is anything out of the ordinary. We had the landlord’s dead mother in law there all the time too (She loved us. We took turns torturing the assholes upstairs.). And I’m sure this kind of stuff happens to you guys too (‘cuz you’re a bunch of pschizophrenic fruitcakes!). But I thought the story was cool, and I have nothing better to post, and it’s been on my mind for two weeks now for some reason.

The story begins thousands of years ago, with a ferocious, unstoppable beast roaming the land… devouring everything (or anyone) in his path.

Tribal hunters were commissioned to go out there, intercept the creature, and protect their villages… But the beast was too smart to ever become “the hunted”, and they all met their horrible fates, along with their villages.
Continue reading “Tales from a dead shaman”

“Life is like a package of twinkies…
Look too close at the ingredients, realize what kind of shit you’re putting in your system, and you won’t enjoy enjoy junk food no more….”
– Forrest Brooks –

Sometimes it’s better not to look too close at things, knowhutImeanVern?

I did it… after commenting all over the place, I finally caved in and read How to Write a Better Weblog. Now I actually know what I’m talking about.

I won’t waste my time with what I think was so wrong & offensive about it. To me, this was the *writer’s opinion* of what *he liked* in a weblog & I guess what was so offensive was his arrogant stance, expecting *you* to conform to *his* tastes and standards…

Don’t change a thing, people… don’t make me come though your screen and bitchslap you!
Continue reading “How to REALLY write a better weblog…”

Dear White people:

In honor of Black History Month.. I’ve been asked to make a simple request of you. They’re not asking for much, okay? They’re over the “slavery” thing, they’re cool about that “busing” stuff… hell, they can even chuckle about “Amos & Andy” now (they’re still a little pissed about Jolson… don’t even go there!)

But please… white people… for all that is sacred:
STOP SINGING R&B!!!!!!
Continue reading “Black History Month”

I don’t know when it happens. Or how it happens…

Whether you catch a glance in their eyes, and see straight into their soul; Something in their voice touches your heart… or their very presence makes your heart skip a beat;

Next thing you know, it hits you like a ton of bricks. You fall head over heels in love with them. Everything about them is magical. You can never get tired of talking to them, you want to know everything. You want to totally unravel the mystery of them…
Continue reading “Love is for suckers…”

It’s my homage to female designers on the web. The madness and mayhem begins when I successfully tap into my “inner-woman” for help in a design project… unfortunately, our young hero discovers that his “inner-woman” is a psycho headcase with PMS (joy!).

Dedicated to Jann, and Deb… who can use some cheering up today. //**

(For Tina, Hoopty, kd, and anyone else perplexed by all this talk of an “A–List”)

A broken and bitter old man addressed the crowd, gathered around the campfire, with a tale that has long been forgotten. His wooden staff barely holding him up.

It began toward the end of the twentieth century… where the world wide web was a vast frontier to be settled. There were titans and web gods roaming cyberspace. One man had been there the longest. He had many disciples and was revered as the King of all the web gods.

He saw that “all was good”.

A group of titans had developed weblogs and a way for the mortals to communicate as they did. They required no skill or effort… merely the push of a button. Their names were Ev, Meg, Jason, Matt, Jack, and Derek. They were worshipped and created a temple for the mortals to worship the titans as gods. They became known as “The A–List“. Ruling with an iron fist… challenged by none.

On Mt. Zeldman, the web gods grew jealous and bitter.

The ancient one spoke of one young web god, a vain and arrogant godling with strikingly handsome ice–blue eyes. He repeatedly questioned the king’s favoritism of the titans above all. The godling’s resentment and anger made him too dangerous and unpredictable to remain with the more complacent web gods. The young web god spoke of change and revolution… and many listened. Including the fearful king.

The king was left with no choice but to banish the young web god, and all his followers, from the heavens. Stripped of their godhood, they were forced to live as mortals.

The titans known as “The A–List” were slowly being crushed by the throng of worshippers who craved the recognition that belonged solely to the A–List. For there was no love in their hearts, and felt this great power was theirs and theirs alone. The gift of “blogging” was enough for these peasants as far as they were concerned. Their works were bland and shallow… many felt their weblogs were better.

The bitter and banished web gods bestowed the last of their immortality to the mortals… making some demigods, and sealing their own fate. For only an army of demigods can topple the dynasty of the titans.

Their temple became the source of their demise… the A–Listers were slowly being tortured and slaughtered by those that once worshipped them. They ran from the temple and were hunted by the demigods.

• Meg, once queen of weblogs, was quoted as saying about the mortals “Let them blog cake” (whatever the hell that was supposed to mean!). The angry crowd had beheaded her, and the demigoddess known as Deb replaced her and was coronated as the new queen.
• Matt was last seen screaming inside the walls of his crumbling temple. Jon became the new programming demigod.
• Derek had retreated to Mt. Zeldman, unknown to all, a web god himself… he peacefully offers his disciple, the demigod Ezrael his place.
• No one knows what horrible fate fell upon A–Listers Ev and Jack… no one ever cared enough to find out.
• The most charasmatic of the titans, Jason, was called out by the demigod Graham… exposing the emperors new clothes with the saying “Like Kottke…only interesting“. And was easly defeated and replaced.

The successors of the A–List learned from the mistakes of the past. The web had grown a thousandfold… impossible to maintain, even for demigods.

More power was divided upon the mortals turned demigods… equally and without favoritism… and so it shall be forever more. For those that now abuse their power (not naming names here *cough*joe*cough*) will only suffer the same destructive fate as the long–forgotten A–List.

It has been rumored in Mt. Zeldman, that the king of all gods was pleased that day. With no need for a king anymore, he had left for the stars…off to create more great works elsewhere.

The ancient and weary old man finished his tale. One of hope and equality for all of webkind. His horrible burden had been lifted… and now free to sleep for eternity.

The flickering flames had revealed a glimmer of hope in his wrinkled, tired, yet strikingly handsome ice–blue eyes.

For he smiled and saw that “All is now good again”.

You know, screw that "Best Of Times/Worst Of Times"-Dickens-crap, this year sucked moose dong… simple and plain. It was the worst year of our lives, full of despair & turmoil.

The story begins in June, 2000. My wife just bought out a company that she hoped would pull us out of the hole of debt we were in. The previous owner promised a lucrative amount of contracts and work for her and her business partner. In reality, it pulled us to the edge of our sanity. A nightmare we sometimes feel we’ll never awake from.

She pulled the car over, one summer afternoon. Blinded by the tears she was holding back. It was three weeks later, and the business checking account was depleted, trying to keep a fraudulent company afloat. Checks were bouncing all over the Poconos, workers and suppliers grew impatient…

That was also the same day our house was sold in a Sheriff’s sale.

It was more than she could take. The children were terrified as they looked toward our future. A future with no home, debt, and a lot of insecurity.

“At least”, she thought, “we’ve hit rock bottom, and can’t get any lower”…

Sure it could.

She was in and out of courtrooms and Magistrates (Pennsylvania Judges), as angry homeowners needed to sue someone. Not only did the previous owner of the construction company swindle Carole out of thousands; He also took large sums of money from dozens of people from two states, with no intention of ever doing these jobs. She also faced criminal charges for all of the bounced checks. Each time, we worried if this time would be the last time we see her free again.

Depression set in all of us. The children didn’t want to go to school… so a guidance counselor decided we should be under investigation of Children & Youth services.

In October, she woke me up one morning. “Eric, a Constable is here to arrest me!” One daughter was home sick. She watched from her bedroom window, as her mommy was handcuffed, and taken away.

We didn’t see her for 10 days, as she was sent to jail. Held on ten thousand dollars cash bail. No bail bonds…CASH ONLY.

Ten days of my children crying themselves to sleep; Ten days of her calling collect from prison, crying hysterically, begging me to get her out; Ten days of me not sleeping, or eating; Ten days of me finding out everything she tried to protect me from, and finding out how really bad it was….

That’s when the miracles began.

I called the people she and her business partner were afraid to. They were surprisingly cooperative with me… all they wanted was their money… and at least the hope that someone will give it to them. I even managed to stop a few legal actions in their tracks.

The Magistrates that had pending arrest warrants were all wonderful. I called one and confided that I was short on cash and only able to make a partial payment. He waived the interest and the court fees, so I can pay it in full and have the charges dropped.

Her business partner became the coward I always knew he was, he was getting away scott free, and leaving Carole holding the bag… he turned his back on her, blamed her every chance he got, and eventually wouldn’t even accept her phone calls from prison.

…never even asked me if I needed milk for the kids or anything.

A Magistrate eventually nailed him into court, and fined him $1,000 per day for a variance violation on his property from several months ago. No one was “getting away” with anything. (heh heh!)

Through the help of friends and family, the biggest miracle happened: What her “sellout” lawyer said was impossible…We raised enough cash to pay the outstanding warrants to not only get her out, but to insure she’d never have to look over her shoulder… or our hearts to stop beating with every phone/doorbell ring.

Each court case afterward, was just a matter of showing up to have the Magistrate decide to either drop the charges or persue them anyway.

Three Magistrates in three days... and all three dropped the charges.
Miracles. Each and every one of them.

Oh yeah, and she called her business partner, and told him to "Fuck Off", and thank him for being of no help whatsoever. I never liked the prick anyway.

The Holidays

The holidays sucked. The children had no will to dress up for Halloween with their mommy in jail. I tried to make the most of it by carving their pumpkins with them, and having a makeshift halloween party with them at home.

By Thanksgiving, we had gone close to a month with no income, shelling out thousands in savings and borrowed money. Frank, the investigator for Children & Youth Services, stopped by with boxes full of food for us. The man is supposed to be investigating us, yet he’s been a total sweetheart looking out for our family in these rough months.

It looked like a grim Christmas for the kids, given our financial situation… we got them something, but not what they’re used to. Certainly nothing that they asked Santa Claus for at the Stroud Mall.

Frank mentioned the agency “getting something for the kids”. We thought that was sweet, but never gave it much thought. He showed up on Monday for his monthly visit. When he was done, he called me outside to get the presents for the kids, and sneak them inside. I figured I can hide them in my jacket…no problem. His back seat, and passenger side, were filled to the top with toys and clothes! I commented how much he was like Santa… with his red car filled with toys, making his rounds delivering them.

He gave me the strangest smirk… to this day I couldn’t tell how to interpret it.

Carole and I sorted through them, and were stunned. It was everything these kids wanted… top of the line toys, and brand-name clothes.

What miracles are…

When people think of miracles, they picture the booming voice of God; Accompanied by a flash of lightning, and a parting sea for good theatrical measure.

The God I’ve always known never worked that way. It was always the little natural things in the background that beat the odds and did the impossible. That was always miracles to me…

And I took note of each and every one of them the past few months. Despite the fear, and the terror… with every leap of faith I had to make, there was always a step waiting there to catch me & my family. More await us as a sheriff is expected to lock us out of our home next month… but we’ll deal with that the way we always have. One step at a time, and wait for the next miracle.

You see, the sheriff was supposed to do it last week, but decided to give us more time.

My holiday wish for you all is to see the daily miracles in your life. You know, the ones you take for granted. Little acts of kindness & mercy when you least expect it.

I never stopped believing in Santa either. This time of year, there’s always a spirit of benevolence that falls on people. A change you can’t quite define, or even expect.

My children will probably never know it, but this year…
Santa’s name was Frank.

-e-

Yes boys and girls, Mattel is proud to announce their “Web Design Collectible Series” starting with our own “CyberPal“. (Coming soon: Jeffrey Zeldman’s “Dr. Web” and “Mr. Jenkins“, Halcyon’s “Cocky Bastard“, Skizz’s “Action Skizz“, Alan Herrell’s “LemurMan“, Full Moon Graphics‘ “Miz Kitty“, Graham Freeman’s‘ “Grudnuk“, Joe Utsler’s “Crazy Uncle Joe & Anastasia“, Matt Rossi(With removable Clothes), Pete Milan (With “Tongue-sucking” action), Faith Kaminsky’s “Damnbaby Diva & Boris“, Chef Jon, The Webmistress, and The coSmiC diVa) Each figure is 8″ tall, fully poseable… and talks too!

---

CyberPal plays 10 phrases, including:

• “Dude, you’re such a shitwaste!”
• “I admit it, I’m a moron!”
• “Yo..Yo!!! What up wit’ dat???”
• “Where’s G.I. Joe??? I’ll kick his pansy little plastic ass!!!”
• “Yeah, Barbie!!!! Who’s yo’ daddy?”

---

The “Web Design Collectible Series” will provide hours of fun and wholesome enjoyment to your children, as they buy the interchangable playsets. For example, here is your CyberPal facing down some thugs outside of a bar. Note the hand inside jacket, in the hopes that he’ll scare them off, by pretending to have a gun…. in classic Brooklyn-style!
(Note: The “CyberPal: Puttin’ a cap in yo’ ass” playset sold separately.)

Order Today!!!!

Secure Server |  Non-Secure Server

(Based on a true Story)

Okay, the hell with world events, this is more important.

Once again Jason “make the girls cry“ Kottke pens well-meaning thoughts about rules and guidelines that will make MetaFilter a better place… Sparking a firebed of controversy and division in a trial more crucial than The Scopes Trial and Roe -vs- Wade put together. Well, not quite as big as the Lindbergh Baby or the The O.J. Trial…but you get my drift here. It’s pretty darn big!

Lots of hidden potshots at us all, as Defendant/Paralegal for the defense/Village Idiot Joe Utsler found the line “You’re probably not as smart or funny or interesting or insightful as you think you are.” quite offensive. So did The Class Clowns….

Well frig you pal!!! My I.Q. is off the charts (well, somewhat higher than “86”, I’ll tell you that!), and within every joke, every scathing bit of satire I unleash, there contains a little nugget of truth that will change your very life!!!! Those following me over the past few years, are on the verge of unlocking the very secrets of the universe.

Hopefully they will share this secret with me, as I still struggle with the concept of hot dogs coming 10 in a pack and the buns only 8. My kids are really sick of me force-feeding 40 hotdogs down their throats at lunch time….

Defense attorney Jeffrey Zeldman said: “So not every post is a gem. Not every article in the newspaper catches my interest, either. So what?” Exactly.

Let’s talk newspapers here. There are days, where I care what’s going on in the world, and there are days where I skip straight to the comic strips, and chuck the newspaper in the garbage when I’m done. That’s me. That’s a lot of people I know. That also happens to be against the law as we’re supposed to recycle our newspapers, but that’s not the point. As witness Mark Morgan testified UNDER OATH: “Some days, I come here just to watch the pissing matches.”

Now, don’t get me wrong here… I love Jason Kottke. He knows what the people want. People craved a spectacular website, so he brought us Osil8. Insomiacs worldwide cried out deperately for a cure, and he brought us his weblog… the web needs him. Like a hole in the hea {Defense requests that remark be stricken off the record.}

• I could be immature and state that Prosecutor Eric Costello is, indeed “King Killjoy” and “Mr. Party Pooper“… but that would be really childish, and so unlike me. <snicker, chortle>
• I could also take this time to rub in Mr. Kottke’s face that Halcyon whupped his butt at the Webbys… but I wouldn’t stoop so low.

I have also been advised by counsel not to say it, as my recent outburst in court proved almost damaging.

Experts predict an easy victory for Zeldman, as he is expected to pull a “Perry Mason-like” surprise, showing evidence that that Jason Kottke has also broken the rules at MetaFilter himself. With his credibility damaged, the judge will have no choice but to rule in favor of The Class Clowns and Village Idiot.

“If it ain’t broke… don’t fix it” – Yogi Berra

Dear Tom,

Hey, how ya doing? Thought I’d take a minute to introduce myself after 35 years…

My name’s Eric.

Oh, come on back…it’s not going to be one of those “Why’d you leave me daddy???” letters. Fuck you. You don’t deserve to know what kind of misery you caused.

How’s my mom? She passed away 11 years ago, thanks for asking. Her name was Dorrienne, in case you forgot (wouldn’t surprise me, “Mr. Military Studmuffin”).

Her biggest fear was my growing up to be a prick like you. Every year in school I used to have to make “Father’s Day” cards…didn’t have a choice. I simply spared her feelings by tearing the damn thing up and throwing it in the trash can at the corner…year after year.

Do I ever wanna meet you? Fuck no!

From what I figure, you’re pushing 70, trying to survive on your crappy army pension. You’d be nothing more than a financial burden on me..and life is pretty damn sweet from where I stand. Don’t need nobody holding me back (Sound familiar? What comes around, goes around, asshole.).

I don’t wish you pain and suffering… believe it or not. Quite the opposite. I wish you a niiiice long life… living in your trailer in West Virginia, eating cat food…alone. No kids to take care of you, no grandkids to slow you down from your active geriatric social life. Just the way you always wanted it.

Well, I’d love to continue… but it’s a gorgeous day out in the Poconos, and my kids want me to take them out and play ball. You really don’t know what you’re missing! :0)

Have a nice life….

Me

The scenario: Two sites are out there, the difference in the domain names? One “s” at the end. One wants the other one to cease & desist.

Sounds familiar don’t it?

Well, this one’s different.

We all fought like hell to crush the one with the “s” the last time, because they were greedy. Now we’re fighting to save the one with the “s”, because it’s all about reputation and hard work.

Sick of the mystery and metaphors?

The Digital Divas, founded by Dana Whitmire, have been offering tutorials and services (for free) on the web since 1997. The Digital Divas have also founded and sponsored many causes, most notably, Grey Day, to acknowledge the rights of artists and their copyrighted work on the web.

In April 2000, Mi¢ro$oft launched their own “Digital Diva”, Stacy Elliott. She also offers tutorials and services for free. It’s an open & shut case of “Trademark Dilution”. A Cease & Desist was sent to Microsoft on April 25th, 2000.

Microsoft, to this day, has ignored it.

Just change her name, already!
I’m sure the bottom line is that Ms. Whitmire & the Digital Divas fear all their years of hard work and reputation will be swept away by the Microsoft Publicity Machine. Apparently, this is one of the “kinder, gentler Microsoft” tactics (You know, like how Uncle Bill is on the TV, every night, talking about how “They’ve changed so many lives…need to be free to invent…yadda yadda yadda” )… Well hey, it’s not too late! The site is still under construction, Stacy Elliott is out promoting the site, and Microsoft can easily change the name of this project…..

Here have been some reader’s suggestions that Mrs. Elliott can use:
Cybergrrl Digital Woman Cyber Diva Techno Diva Webmistress (OOPS! sorry, Jo!) Computer Chick	Pixel Pixie Mistress of Technology La Femme Digitale Technologica Snow Bitch (What the hell is this one supposed to mean???)

The simplest, easiest way out. Here’s your chance to be heroes, Bill & Stacy!!!!! Otherwise Microsoft is going to look real bad with the Digital Diva’s “Diva & Goliath” campaign. The list of supporters grows stronger every day…. Your tv ad runs for 30 seconds, usually while we’re getting a beer or going to the bathroom. Our Web Pages are on 24/7. Think about it.

 

Why are you doing this, Eric? 

I struggled like hell with this for two weeks…I felt like it would be hypocrisy on my part to say in one breath “etoy” had every right to exist and then say “The Digital Diva” site didn’t. I publicly announced that I couldn’t support the Divas.

But it’s totally different. Etoy (who doesn’t even sell toys) was shut down by a greedy corporation in an unfair court battle, where they weren’t allowed to even defend themselves; interNIC pulled their plug (not required in the injunction) at the request of e-toys …. all in the name of the almighty buck in the holiday shopping season. Corporate greed was the bottom line.

This time it’s about hard work and reputation. The 70+ members of the Digital Divas have worked very hard in the past three years to improve the web, fight for the rights of artists, and help instruct new designers and newly-connected surfers make the most of the web.

Deciding factor…

Today, I was stuck with a bit of a technical problem. Dana Whitmire, knowing full well what a total prick I’ve been to the Divas, still helped me. So as far as I’m concerned, if this sort of kindness, helpfulness and courtesy is what her Digital Divas is all about, then I want them around forever…..

Rants are SO 1999. Weblogs are in.

Rants, Site updates, diaries, and online journals have merged and evolved into the new mega-trend: Weblogs (That’s "blogs" to you ultra-hip types!).

Bullshit! It’s the same damn thing, recycled, repackaged…and as annoying as ever! Escargot, by any other name, is still a nasty, slimy-ass SNAIL!

(Memo to me: Write another rant, thanking the goddamn French for their obnoxious contributions to our society and culture!)

Here is an excerpt from a "blog" I stumbled across recently:
(Note: The names were changed, as I noticed a "Copyright Warning" at the bottom of the page…OH YEAH! This is EXACTLY the crap Oliver Stone’s looking for in his next movie!).

Monday, Decembruary 10^th 1999– Bob came by for coffee.

Sunday, Decembruary 9^th 1999– I bought a new chair. Bob came with me. Afterward, we had coffee.

Saturday, Decembruary 8^th 1999– I have come to the conclusion that Bob has NO life WHATSOEVER! He wants to have a weblog, just like me…what’s he gonna talk about? How he always comes over for coffee? Who wants to read that crap? (except my readers, of course!)

Site after site after site after site……of this STOOPID DRIVEL…JEEZ-US!!!!

They’re not ALL bad.

This one is great! The Webmistress Blogs Again is well thought out, witty as hell…
And proof positive that the Legendary Jeffrey Zeldman rips her off every chance he gets*….

(*It’s a GOOF guys! Relax!!! She’s a buddy of mine, and we BOTH admire the hell out of JZ…. flame her, and you’ll answer to me.)

So’s Baylink. Thanks to Jay Ashworth, I learned that May 7th was the "National Masturbate-a-thon", where you get your friends, family and co-workers to sponsor you to…uh….well, THAT should be self explanatory. Proceeds went to good causes.

But May 7th??? What were the promoters thinking? I would’ve done it on "Palm Sunday"!

---

Come on! Make it exciting, at least!
It just seems so restrained… like they worry. "Oh God, what if ‘so-and-so’ reads this???".

FUCK EM!!!! If people can drag a loved one on a talk show, and drop a bomb like: "Honey, there’s a reason why we haven’t had sex in our eight years of marriage…I’M REALLY A MAN.", in front of 20 million people….Why can’t we call someone an asshole on our webpages????

(Yeah…I just realized I left myself wide open with that remark.)

Imagine the following a "blog" would get with entries like:

February 30th, 2000: I can’t believe I caught my hubby jerking off and having cybersex!!!!

Click here to see the moron make a fool of himself.

Or….
April 32nd, 2000: Me, Jack and Chad got drunk tonite, and thought it would be funny to drop an upright piano off Chad’s roof, at 216 Christopher Street, NYC… looked just like the cartoons too! (Well, except it killed two people, and smashed a Domino’s delivery truck!).

The Police have NO clue who did it! LOL!

Or…. you can make something up! Hell, I don’t care! Just stop boring the shit out of me with little quips about your BORING-ASS LIVES!!!!

Ahhhh… LONG LIVE THE RANT PAGE!

(Natural predator of the weblog! Bwahahahah!)

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Weblogs we’d like to see….

O.J. Simpson’s Weblog

Thursday June 10, 1999 – This little girl’s cat, which has been missing for over a week, turned up dead today. Three guesses who everyone thinks did it. I am so sick of this! Every time something, or someone ends up dead in this neighborhood, they always think it’s ME! Do you want to know why? I’ll tell you why… because I’m BLACK. I bet if Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson lived here, they wouldn’t accuse them! Well, that’s probably not a good example. Those men are convicted murderers. I, however, am not. Wednesday June 9, 1999 – Kato came by for coffee today.

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Gwen Stefani (of No Doubt)

Wednesday, May 2nd 2000 It’s official, I have the TOTAL HOTS for Eric Brooks! OMG! I can’t help it, he’s soooooooo cute! I’m at his website every chance I get!!!! Tuesday, May 1st 2000 Did some more touring-n-stuff, met the Pope & the President or something like like that, I dunno… All I keep thinking about is Eric Brooks …. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Now THAT’S some innerestin’ Blogging!