**// Coming here FROM DayPOP? The Golden Finger Awards are HERE //**
I’ve decided that a third post is in order…
To stick this in the Round II post will be very confusing.
Continue reading “New categories… less filling, tastes CONFUSING”
Author: Eric Brooks
Golden Finger awards: Round II
We’ve got Round II going on…
To me, this is even better than Round I, because the WEB COMMUNITY gives you “The Finger™”… not just an idiot with binary/digital MPD.
But first, some announcements…
In yo’ faces…CHUMPS!!!
Traffic here has spiked today, largely due to our own Mr. Laurence, and the lovely (and oh so scandalous!) Min Jung Kim. Welcome! Please feel free to nominate Ms. Kim and make up a great category (be nice, you!!!!)
Maria has survived another round of layoffs at her job. WOO HOO!!! A lot of friends recently haven’t been as fortunate. Gee? You think our economy is just a *little* fucked??? I was going to a comedy club tomorrow night, but I decided to watch the State of the Union Address on tv instead.
Yes. You may take that any way you want.
I’m sure you’re ALL following the scandals going on here closely, and you’ll be happy to know we’ve reached a settlement with Ms. Bullock’s attorneys. Basically, my attorney explained that due to Boffo’s widely-publicized cocaine addiction and alcoholism… coupled with his distress that Geocities has closed down his cartoon page (there since 1998)… his lapses of judgement are somewhat excusable. Attorneys for Ms. Bullock are willing to let this go as long as there is no more publicity, and we keep “that disgusting pig on a short leash.”
Boffo the clown offers “no comment” on the settlement, however requested that we put the following graphic back up…
I am SO SCREWED!!! I might as well put up a “404 page” now…
Continue reading “Golden Finger awards: Round II”
The Golden Finger Awards
Yes, boys and girls… THIS IS THE MOMENT. At long last, this week’s event of the century is here. Are you nervous??? You bet your bippy you are, and why shouldn’t you be? For a while now, your most intimate thoughts, your innermost dreams, and your dumbest quiz results have been out on the WORLD WIDE WEB for all of us to see…
You wanted accolades and praise for talking about your breakfast, the furniture you bought at IKEA, and your Friday Five answers…. you got it!!!
But first, let’s…
A W A R D S
OVERALL SEXINESS
They’re sexy, intriguing and fascinating. We put them down, and bitch about them behind their backs all the time because apparently we’re not.
- Best legs on the net – Angel of Kiss My Fish.Net.
- Sexiest telephone voice – Deb Smouse of Sometimes I…
- Surprise webcam babe of the year – Sara, of Simply Sara
- Sexiest latin saxophone player – Kira of Desert Flower
- Sexiest brainiac who speaks latin – Judy of Jewdez.Com
- Most edible Danish – Sara of Looking Out
- Sexiest nerd that should be a p0rn star – Nerdboy Mikey of Electric Bugaloo
- Sexiest comedy Troll – Nico of Negative Subspace
- Best use of boobs for a cause – Robyn, Boobies to Florida
- Best boobs in best use of boobs for a cause – Jessica of Bloganon
- Best use of her ass for a cause – Dawn of Up Yours
- Making PMS sexy, and bitching about men a turn-on – Hormonal Bitch
- Sexiest coconuts – Ali of Paradise Ali
- Lusted after more than any other sockpuppet in Shari Lewis’ closet – Lambchop of Blogging in a New York Minute
- Fuck the ozone! Big hair will ALWAYS be in style and sexy –Susan, of BobtheCorgi fame
- Sexiest Laker Fan – Yvonne of Aged and Confused
- So strange and enigmatic, she turns you on… admit it! – Shasta of ShastaBlog
- Sexiest use of the word “Hooha” – Batgrl of Cuppa Tea
- Best Ass – Angel of Kiss My Fish.Net
(Awarded by Solonor) - Best Ass – Solonor of Solonor’s Ink Well
(Awarded by Angel)
**// Wait… can we DO that??? *SHRUG* //**
- Geekiest online relationship (of course with her lil’ code monkey) – GeekGrrl
(Awarded by Jewdez) - Excellent use of sexy colors – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
(Awarded by Nico) - Best Streaking During a Golden Finger Acceptance Speech – Jewdez
(Awarded by Kathy K.)
POLITICAL
Nothing generates laughs more than Capitol Hill. Aw hell, it’s the comedy nexus of the world…
- I’d even re-elect that idiot Bush, if she posts enough wet t-shirt pics… Goes to Michele of a small victory.
- Best use of venomous humor on Yasser Arafat – Simon Laurence of Amish Tech Support
- Best use of venomous humor on Ariel Sharon – Nico of Negative Subspace
PROBLEM ADULTS
These are people impervious to ritalin. They cause madness and mayhem everywhere they go, and feel the internet is nothing more than their litterbox. You stay on their good side, nervously laugh at their jokes, and suck up to them… because you’ve seen the wrath and destruction they’ve brought upon their enemies up close.
- Best spud gun designs – Todd, The Ripperman
- Snowball Warrior and/or Best use of Calvin & Hobbes –Tracy of About D@mn Time
- Goofing off on company time as an art form – Maria of ::Dayzed and Confused::
- Most disturbing short movies – Jack of Jack’s Corner
- Best blog by an Amazon affiliate with pierced nipples – Kat of My Single Mom Life
- Most twisted use of Green Lantern in a webcam – Dan of Red Cricket
- Long-lost sister that I STILL haven’t met – Tina of The Other Cheek
- Crazier than half her patients – Tracy of Crazy Tracy
- Still using the nickname “Kittybat” months after the Hoopty scandal – Dave of Random Ruminations
- Only blog left on the planet without comments – Dan of The TimeSink
- Like she REAAAALLY needs a gun to tear a hole in your sorry ass – Rachel Lucas of Piquant Rants
- Patti of the Year – Patti of I Must…
- Stalks no-name bloggers with 5 hits a day or less – Robyn of Tampatantrum
- Biggest Blogwhore with a conscience – Solonor of Solonor’s Ink Well
(Awarded by Lambchop) - Best use of a food word as an insult – Nico of Negative Subspace
(Awarded by Angel) - Cutest Picture of Blogger with Tree Companion – Red Eagle of Eagle Eye View
(Awarded by Faith) - Most cuddliest and sweet blogger in the whole dern blogiverse! – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
(Awarded by Pete)
TRIAL BY FIRE (and other legal crap)
People who have been through legal and personal hell this year, and were kind enough to share their pain for us before we moved on the our next read.
- Screw blogging, my kids come first – T, of Eagle Eye View
- There’s more to Hawaii than coconuts and Ukeleles – Ali of Paradise Ali
- Doin’ Time: An inside look at L.A. County Jail – Kim of The Sick Side
- America, you will be rounded up and shot – Matt, of Ezrael
- Exposing the horrors and shocking truth about school fundraisers – Kim of Musings of a Misfit Mama
- All your ‘Zillas am belonging to us! – Dave Linabury of Davezilla
- Comeback of the Year – Tammie of My Little Ones
- Because she’s been through hell and back too and has a great outlook – Anne of semi composementis
(Awarded by Pete B.)
HOLLYWOOD LOOKALIKES/ACTALIKES
They either look like your favorite Hollywood celebrities, sure as hell act like them… sometimes they’re even better than the original.
(What? Did you think he wasn’t going to win anything here?)
(Awarded by Dan)
(Awarded by Kathy K.)
(Awarded by -=e=-)
CODING AND DEVELOPMENT
These are the web stars of tomorrow… or maybe the day after that, or maybe the day after that. Who the hell knows.
- PHP Boy Wonder – Pete of Encyclopeteia
- Who needs MT? We don’t need no steenkin’ MT! – Lisa Whirrett of Just Lisa
- Most innovative use of DBMan – Mike Brown, for The Pepy’s Project
- Greatest web designer….EVER! – Jann of Sweet Aspirations
- Most blog design changes in a year/month/week/day/hour – Bran of .em
(Awarded by Dan)
IS THIS POST ABOUT ME?
Why, yes. Yes it is! You are the stars, the moon, and the sun, baby! Tim Berners-Lee created the web JUST for you, and Evan came up with the schematics for Blogger with YOU in mind! Contrary to what Robyn’s highly-paid minions and lackeys would have you believe… YOU, sir, are TROOLY The Princess of the Blogiverse™. Aaaand if the shoe fits… hey, throw the damn thing out and start a flame war, fer chrissakes. What good is HAVING only ONE shoe that fits anyway?
- My CD’s are more important than the Holocaust – Jessica of Peace Dividend
(Awarded by Melly) - Most direct method of viewer weeding that I’ve ever seen. – Angel of KissMyFish.Net
(Awarded by John) - Snarkiest Blogger – John of Linkworthy
(Awarded by Faith) - Queen of the Universe – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
(Awarded by Maria)
BOO. FUCKING. HOO.
AWWWWWW!!!!!! Lookit -e-, HAVING a pity party at his own awards show! Nobody’s nominating him for jack shit. Let’s toss a few his way to shut him the fuck up before he starts whining again.
- Most Shameless (and successful) Trackback-Whoring on the Net
(Awarded by Pete) - Best satire of the Bloggies
(Awarded by Les) - Most excessive use of Vaseline Intensive Care
(Awarded by Nico and Jewdez) - Most Likely to Get Hickies in Linky Love?
(Awarded by Batgrl) - Blogger who took the longest to get his site NS compliant.
(Awarded by Faith)
TALENT??? YOU NEED TALENT IN THIS BIZ?
Some bloggers tend to go against the grain and actually *DO* something that interests someone other than themselves. No. Really. It happens sometimes.
- Fastest clicking of a link in someone else’s comments – Solonor of Solonor’s Ink Well
(Awarded by Angel) - Best blog named Joe by a guy named Scott
- “Classiest Blogger” in the “I can actually WRITE category” – Dawn of Blatherings
(Awarded by Maria) - Classiest use of Retro (Kitsch?) styling in a weblog – Faith of Undisturbed
(Awarded by Angel) - Excellent use of the hopeless color combination of pink and red – Min Jung Kim of Brain Dump
(Awarded by Nico) - Best blog using home brewed blogging software – Sue Bailey of SueBailey.Net
(Awarded by Dan) - best collage graphics – Batgrl of Have a Cuppa
(Awarded by Faith)
– Scott, of JoePixel
(Awarded by Faith)
FRIENDS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE DISTURBED AXE MURDERERS
People that have touched our lives, and enriched it through the internet. Like that hot little vixen you cybered on IM who ended up being a 45 year old dude in Chicago… appearances can be deceiving. That’s ok. Things happen. They may or may not be Hitler’s offspring, or goat rapers in real life, but online… they’re ok and treat us good. And that’s what counts.
- kick-ass friend and inspiration – Tam of Faded Dreams
(Awarded by Kim) - Gainfully employed because of these awards – Deborah of Thoughts Interrupted
(Awarded by Evil Batgrl) - …because she just fucking deserves one! – Rha of Very Black is Rhondalicious
(Awarded by Kat)
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT
These are the the people who have made the web a better place long before some of you had a clue what the web was. They were doing it for decades. Don’t even waste your time approaching them. You know you’re not worthy. In fact, why don’t you do us all a favor and just get the hell off the web before you embarass yourself further?
- Best use of pin-up girls and retro art (long before anyone else was doing it) – Miz Kitty of Here Kitty, Kitty
- Keeper of the Orange (Passing the mantle FROM Zeldman) – Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
- Unearthing the lost treasures of the web (stuff like the very first web page to the morse code translator) – Steve Timberlake, the LinkMeister
- Most quoted on the web – Lisa Whirrett for Lisa-isms
- most amazing parenting collaborative weblog – Real Life Parents
(Awarded by Kim) - Blogging longer than God – Mark of furtive explorations
(Awarded by Rha) - Blogger With The Largest Smilie Collection – Gina of Recycled Thoughts
(Awarded by Maria)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
… to all our winners of round one. I gave you “The Finger”, and dammit, you truly deserved it!!!
Pick up your award:
Of course I made an “alternate version” of the award in case your site has visitors or family that don’t quite understand…
Remember: “Don’t be a dick, always right-click.”
I’m well aware that I missed a lot of people, but I’ve been at this post for three days now… don’t worry, you may *STILL* be a winner!!!!
ROUND TWO
Inside the comments section will be acceptance speeches, people whining, and others boycotting this event due to all the sordid tales of sex, drug abuse and cheating among the judges (my alternate personalities). I’m very tired of it all, and GLAD it’s over.
Please stand by…
We’re experiencing a few, uhm, technical difficulties.
I thought I came up with a foolproof formula for fairness, rather than elect people I don’t know or can’t trust… I didn’t want to rip off BobtheCorgi’s concept of a “Panel of Judge”.
So I employed four of my alternate personalities for the job.
The site has hit its first SCANDAL… it’s been tainted by idiots.
It was supposed to be a simple, well… I, I..
Here… Look:
Continue reading “Please stand by…”
“T” as in “Pterodactyl”
It’s Saturday… I’m bored out of my skull here at work.
I just had another one of my “Walter Mitty” moments….
I’m listening to the police scanner in the background of the empty newsroom as an officer is requesting information on someone named “Palmer”.
The trooper spells out the name: “Peter”, “Alpha”, “Lima” (as in Peru, not the bean. This is important later), “Mary”, “Echo”, “Run”….
I’m thinking back at my days in Travers Tool Company, in College Point, Queens. This one guy always got a kick out of me on the phone fucking with the purchase orders I was checking up on.
“B” as in “Bavid”
“D” as in “Doy”
“T” as in “Pterodactyl”… stuff like that.
Anyway… back to the Police scanner.
After hearing “Lima”, I can just imagine me interrupting the officer on the radio for clarification:
“Did you mean ‘Lima’ or ‘Lemur’…?”
It is moments like these that you need to get down on your knees and thank some Deity somewhere that I’m not on the police force…
UP NEXT
This month’s EVENT OF THE CENTURY…
Aloha, dudes!
Sick of awards yet? Hope not…
First off. This is VERY IMPORTANT to me:
My good friend Johnny Kai, who does the entertainment here… is back home in Hawaii. He’s asking me to pull as many people over to the Hawaiian Music Awards & spread the word… and vote.
Don’t know who any of these artists nominated are? No problem.
LinkMeister, Ali, Jen, James, Loungebunny can help.
They all live/lived in Hawaii and or saw “Blue Hawaii” on Channel five once.
E-Mail them, IM them, call them day or night.
(I’ll post their phone numbers later… I’m sure calling “collect” is ok too*.).
Or do what I’ll do and just vote for anybody.
Cheating? No, of course that’s not cheating. Cheating is when we all SELECT the same person and make them win, when someone else should have.
I like to think of this as “creative voting.” :0) **
There’s also a message board if you have questions..
Just please. A large turnout would really be a good thing.
Or at least spread the word, can you????
http://www.hawaiimusicawards.com
How often to I ask anything here for myself… pretty please?
Mahalo!!!!
Bloggies, bloggers, egos, and a big-ass glass of alka seltzer.
Daily Affirmations:
- I am sick of awards and egos
- I am sick of bloggers and their petty insecurities
- I am sick of bloggers who think ONLY of themselves and then whine about why no one thinks of them
*OMMMMMMMMMMMMM*
Ahhh… a moment of zen. The delicate balance of the universe has been restored.
A brief history of the Bloggies (and then I’m done with the Bloggies forever. I’ve had it.)
- 2001 – “A-Listers” dominate the nominations. Described as a “Pyra Love Fest” – Those not nominated scream “Foul”, “Elitism”, and “fix”.
- 2002 – “Z-Listers” find a way to equalize the nomination process by “Block Voting”. Z-Listers and Surreally sites make it in. Wil Wheaton creams everyone in the votes. Everyone screams “Foul”, “Elitism”, and “fix”.
- 2003 – Yours Truly Tries to recreate the magic of last year, knowing DAMN WELL there’s cheating all over, successfully helps his friends up on the board, with a fool proof plan to equalize the voting – Those not nominated scream……Well, three fucking guesses what they scream. The first two don’t count.
You can’t please everyone… so what is the answer???
We all have our different circles of friends… we have very under-rated bloggers who deserve a pat on the back for all their hard work.
Dawn Olsen is thinking of a new awards program. Learning FROM the mistakes of the Bloggies, and ensuring that those who deserve it will win it. She needs help and suggestions.
Faith has just completed her first round of the “Undisturbed awards“… of which, I just won this… SMOKING the competition:
The Anti-Bloggies – will be back in business March first. As always, I wish to take the opportunity to rub mine in everyone’s face:
My Blorgi still remains my most treasured award, as it was given by a dear friend, FROM the heart.
As is my Haldol Hop Award FROM the Crazy One (which I, uhm, lost while moving around so much… sorry.)
So what is the answer? What kind of awards would YOU like to see?
Here is my official stance on awards and accolades. What’s yours?
This is how you will vote (or else)
*Checks cupboard*
Dammit to hell… I’M FRESH OUT OF ENEMIES!!!!
I hate when that happens. Maybe I’ll run over to Kat’s or Michele’s and ask to borrow a cup of thiers.
*// UPDATE: The world has gone NUTS!!!! This post was partially drafted before the Bloggies fell apart (again. for the third time in three years.). //*
In the immortal words of Denzel Washington: “Ok, EXPLAIN this to me like I’m a four year old…”
From where I stand… I see a lot of sour grapes. And misconception as to the point of the Bloggies.
When, exactly, did the Bloggies become…. serious?
Continue reading “This is how you will vote (or else)”
Roe -vs- Wade: 30 Years later
I haven’t surfed any sites today, and I doubt I’ll have the time until I get home… but I really hope there will be lots of discussion about the 30th Anniversary of Roe -vs- Wade today.
Personally, I have always been amazed that it was even a controversy.
The main opponents of abortion are usually people that can’t get pregnant, mostly men, older religious women… and you know, the Pope.
These are people that can’t *possibly* understand the prospect of facing an 18-to-life sentence of a responsibility they *KNOW* they’re not ready for. Or living with the monument of the day you were raped by a relative or a total stranger…
These are people who *clearly* can’t put themselves in other people’s shoes; people that *don’t want* to understand… so how can they have a say in what should or shouldn’t be done?
It’s very easy to make a snap decision based on a hypothetical question isn’t it? When lives aren’t hanging in the balance, and forever changed in either direction, with no consequences whatsoever… you can spew out a “yea” or “nay” with little or no problem.
I think H. Ross Perot put it best when asked by reporters on his views:
“Bah, that’s a women’s issue… next question.”
Here’s how *I’VE* always seen it. I’m a guy. I can’t get pregnant, nor will I ever have to endure labor. I don’t have a say in this issue. I say, let only the people who are directly affected by Roe -vs- Wade voice their opinions, and you’ll see that there *really is* no controversy after all.
- “Women that use abortion as a means of birth control”
- Do you *really* want to see someone so irresponsible, that they can’t even think of birth control during sex, to be in charge of another human life?
- “Funny how all the people who are for abortion are alive today”
- So are all the people who commit suicide, and scream “I never asked to be born”. Your point?
- “There’s always adoption”
- Yes, let’s force a woman who doesn’t want to be pregnant to put a year of her life on hold, go through 40 weeks of physical, hormonal, and emotional changes to give birth to a child, hand it over to a system that will forget about them, and we’ll probably read about this child’s partially-decomposing corpse being found in a dumpster or landfill somewhere… society has enough unwanted children.Or perhaps, you’d like to put your money where your mouth is, and have this fetus transferred to *your* uterus, and you can enjoy all of the above. Wanna give it a spin? You’d be amazed what modern science can do these days.
- “All human life is precious”
- Oh, PUH-LEEZ… get in the real world, you! People that blow up abortion clinics and/or kill the doctors involved say that all the time. (Hypocrisy, anyone?). Exactly *where* is life precious? We’re human beings, the only species on the planet that kills our own for the stupidest reasons. And if we don’t do it with war, crime, and terrorism, we can always count on starvation, AIDS, Ebola, and natural disasters to finish the job. There’s six and a half billion of us… and none of us are worth a damn in the grand scheme of things. Think about it.
- “I’m against abortion. I’ll only make an exception in a case of rape or incest.”
- If you can think of at least ONE reason for an abortion, wouldn’t it make perfect sense for it so stay safe and legal? Haven’t these people suffered enough without HAVING to provide some form of solid evidence that they are victims? Given the current statistics of convictions, and the fact that most of these cases go unreported… I somehow doubt these people taking such a stance are just going to “take your word for it”, are they?
- “The story of Jesus Christ was much like a ‘surprise’ pregnancy. What if Mary had aborted him?”
- Uhm, Ladies? If you find yourself pregnant, you know your husband isn’t the father, and the Archangel Gabriel shows up to give you the rundown on how your child is the Messiah, gonna save the world, and all that stuff…… can I trust you guys to do the right thing, and *not* abort our Saviour? Pretty please?
Is there a lawyer in the house? How about a detective???
Goddammit!!! Zeldman ripped me off again!
On a serious note, does *anybody* know the whereabouts of Webmistess Jo?
That used to be her schtick… she had this running gag that Zeldman kept stealing all her ideas, FROM the orange page to the verdana font. :0)
I dunno, I’ve been thinking about her a lot since Matt mentioned her on Deborah’s site a few weeks back. Not to mention I’ve been re-doing my old SoApBoX rant FROM 2000 called “Shut the f*ck up – Death to weblogs“, and I mentioned her in it. (She was my partner in crime, making sure to spread the word about that rant and offend as many bloggers as possible. One of whom, happened to be Matt…. NEENER! NEENER!!!).
Besides working with Matt in the now defunct Libris ex Machina, she was also very active in helping launch Glenn Davis’ Astounding Websites, and it’s offspring Big Dave’s Fathom5…
I’m right now composing links for the upcoming font site, and hoping I’d run INTO her somewhere, as she was really INTO fonts. (Even her Women’s Font Collective is gone. Damn.)
She was the bestest.
One of the old gang FROM Metafilter.
I miss her.
$5.00 reward for any information to her whereabouts.
