What's new at EricBrooks.Com plus news and gossip all over CyberTown
The Brooks Kidz – We’ve been working really hard on a new design, and we think you’re gonna like it… some things still need some work, but they were anxious, especially for people to sign their guesbook (hint. hint).
Btw… it’s just “Brooks Kidz” now. Christina’s 15, and we don’t want her new “ultra cool” friends snickering about her being an “Adorable Brooks Kid”, right? :0)
Hey guys… it’s been a while.
Currently I’m redoing a lot of the scripts, so bear with me…
Remember: For added exposure, you should submit a 274 x 58 pixel banner to my Banner Ad Section and get plastered all over this site.
Missed you all!
-e-
Someone recently told me I still have a “Brooklyn accent” (I was asked to say “Dawg” three times.). Weird, considering most people thought I was from FL or CA because of my lack of an accent when I lived there for 21 years.
I do say “Fuck” a lot, don’t I? :0)
Sometime last night, Web Designer Dino Ignacio pulled the plug on his long-running internet-cult-classic “Bert is Evil” site. It was his own personal decision. No “cease & desists” or threats involved.
Seeing his work on a pro-Taliban protest was apparently too much for him. The Children’s Television Workshop, is also panicking at the site of one of their creations, broadcast around the world next to the most dangerous man alive.
I think these people need to reach deep down inside, and see the hilarious irony of it all… Osama’s own supporters made an ASSHOLE out of him. And Bert helped. Whether it was our Special Forces slipping it into the printing plates, or the “official story” of an honest mistake by the printer… it was effective and humiliating nonetheless.
The story below about “Sesame Street being bombed” was a fabrication. Elmo, Big Bird, Zoe and the gang are all alive & well. It was propaganda. I took that day’s events, like any good American, and rolled with it…..
<The sound of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” blaring in the background>
I want the memory of that protest in Bangladesh embedded in the world’s mind forever. The world needs to talk about it, and laugh at Ass-ama forever. Let the world know that The Taliban and Al-Qaeda’s contempt for our culture will be the means to their demise… you were humiliated by a muppet, Assama!
Thank you to…
 |
| Bush Addresses the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the latest assault against Evil Muppet Bert. (Shown here in a photo with Osama bin Laden in 1998)
Photo: Associated Press |
WASHINGTON (AP) – In his vow to to “rid the world of evildoers, and punish those that harbor them”. President Bush signed an executive order to launch a surprise air attack on Sesame Street this morning.
The attack was launched in retaliation against Bert, a muppet with ties to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network, several mob organizations, and feared thoughout the underworld as “That scary little furry guy”. The death toll is mounting of up to 150 muppets and rising. The toll may be higher, as correspondents are seeing fur, felt, and stuffing all in the ruins.
“But why attack all of us???”, cried a resident, who only wanted to be referred to as “Gina”, “we’re as terrified of Bert as the rest of the world… we’ve done nothing wrong”.
 |
| Chilling evidence of Bert’s involvement in the latest terrorism attacks. In a rally in Bangladesh, 9/10/01, Bert is seen in a supportive poster.
Photo: Reuters |
The main target was Mr. Hooper’s store, now in ruins. It was a suspected front for Bert’s operations.
President Bush addressed the Joint Chiefs of Staff this morning, and was quoted in saying: “Make no mistake, this nation will not rest until this furry little bastard is turned into someone’s oven mitt….”
There is no evidence of whether Bert survived the attack. Or was anywhere NEAR Sesame Street at the time.
The President will address the Nation tonight at 9:30 PM (That’s when the little hand is on the 9, and the big hand is on the 6). To discuss this latest operation, entitled OPERATION: Nail the GODDAMN Sock Puppet.
Brought to you by the Letter “S”.
For “SPECIAL FORCES (Psychological Operations)”
and “SUCK MY DICK, OSAMA!”
So far A-S is operational on the Font Section. I should be done late tonight, and then back to redesigning my ISP.
At a time where we should all be coming together… it kills me to watch my *FORMER* Blogging Twin, slowly and painfully lose his marbles.
Sources say he stays up all night, guarding his comment box, checking his referrer logs, running traceroute on every visitor… doesn’t eat, sleep or shower (eew..)… just waiting for an attack that may or may not come.
Please, whoever you are… leave Mr. Jenett (pronounced “Paranoid Schizo”) alone?
Can’t we all just get along?Maybe you’re one of the many, many people he recently kicked out of his projects because your host implemented pop-under ads without your consent? Or you redesigned, and forgot to put one of his buttons back up? Or you got one of his creepy emails full of threats for gawd-only-knows-what…
We forgive you for your callous and heartless disregard for this poor man’s feelings… but right now, KNOCK IT OFF…YOU’RE MAKING BABY JESUS CRY! 🙁
Perhaps I share a tiny, miniscule (actually, microscopic!) share of the blame. Maybe I was a little heavy handed yesterday, demanding you stop. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. Now I am on my knees begging you to stop harassing this “meaningless web person” (in his own words!).
Can’t we all just get along?
I would have come to Joe’s rescue sooner, but I’m a tad busy these days. I am saddened, stunned… and will now join Baby Jesus and weep.
Today’s Lesson: “The more bridges you burn, the less places you have to run and hide.”
And some idiot told the truth…
“Joe, with all due respect… I’m trying to figure out if you’re just partially or totally nuts. Someone reviews your site, and you’re going anal about a screenshot? I don’t get it.
(I just bet some people that this will be deleted the second you see it.)”
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING????
This is a guy who surrounds himself with people that only tell him what he wants to hear… you can’t post stuff like that?!!??
Let me catch the jerk responsible… I’ll kick his ass for making my friend Joe cry like that.
Sorry guys… still haven’t finished the changeover to the new location (actually, the fonts have moved, now it’s a matter of changing all the links.). Couple that with work, two major design projects, personal crap (which pretty much no one cares, so I won’t even bother)… and well, I HAVE TO FUCKING SLEEP SOME TIME!
Another day or two, I promise.
My POP3 E-Mail will have to wait, The Cardshop works fine… Halloween cards coming soon.
For those leaving nasty Complaints… ummmm, remind me again how much you’re paying me for these fonts?
The Pocono Record had it’s annual blood drive yesterday. Some lucky person out there will be the proud recipient of a pint of my Type “O” Universal…
I have been trying since the attack. One place turned a pack of us away, and another ran out of bags.
I can deal with just about anything… just don’t prick me in the finger. I hate that. It’s the worst part.
Yeah, I know it’s not going to the World Trade Center victims. Hospitals all over the country need blood on a regular basis, and if this is what Americans needed to get off their ass, then that’s cool.
For some odd reason, throughout the whole process, my mind drifted off, and I starting thinking about a little girl in Minneapolis who is about to be in a car accident…
After a coke and a pack of cookies, I was back on my way for more work. But you know, knowing you just helped save someone’s life out there; that’s a great feeling. Giving blood is cool.
But they really got to do something about that finger-pricking stuff.
Downloading: Well, it seems personal sites on NBCi are no more. Most of the zip files that you have download here were stored there, dating back three-or-so years ago when it was XOOM, my very first home on the web… and they offered unlimited storage to its members.
Those days are long gone, and now any of us using XOOM/NBCi as storage is being directed to X-Drive Plus, where members can try it free for 15 days.
I don’t think so.
All of my .zip files are now being moved to another location, and should be done by the end of the weekend. Which solves problem #1.
E-Mail: There appears to be a problem with the “sendmail” program on this server. This fucks upeffects the following functions on this site: My E-Mail, The Card Shop, The Complaint Department, WHUZZUPDATE!… and I’m sure more will come in, as I combat an ulcer with Alka Seltzer.
Just know that we’re (the techs at Server-Space, and myself.) aware, and working feverishly on fixing the problem. Keep checking WHUZZUP! for any new developments…
Thanx for your patience…
-e-
Inside the minds of Terrorists
For the sake of children, experiencing war for the first time… I have denoted words they may not understand with asterisks (*), so they can appreciate the fine art of propaganda*. Answer key at the bottom.
The following hand-written note was found inside a flight manual in a suspect’s abandoned vehicle, translated from Farsi*
THINGS TO DO LIST
– Wake up, face the East, praise Allah* for his love and grace, and for the painful, gruesome death of Jews and Americans everywhere.
– Decide whether to milk the camel or blow shit up.
– Sniff the leftover bowl of cous-cous*, to see if it is suitable to eat for breakfast.
– Run to the market to pick up goat’s milk, a laws rocket launcher, and a stick of butter. (Find out if your order of bio-chemical weapons are in yet!)
– Sit down and try to plot the downfall of the United States, which is no easy feat as through this, you are being nagged by all six of your wives to go out and sweep the sand buildup outside of the tent because the neighbors are beginning to talk. At least two of them are suffering the curse of their “monthly effendi* coming to visit”. Come to think of it, there isn’t a day in the year when it isn’t happening to at least one of them…
– Curse the concept of polygamy*… the number one cause of suicide bombers in Al-Qaeda*.
– Go back outside, face the East and pray again. Or at least use that as an excuse to get away from the nagging bitches, and your 42 screaming kids.
– Take the camel out for a spin to the local Al-Qaeda* terrorist camp. It’s “Stag Film Night”, and the grand poo-bah promises this this film will actually show a hot Afghani woman exposing herself up to her left foot. Perhaps even an ankle!
– Hide the projector, pull up the screen to show your latest attack plan on the blackboard when a Taliban* official pops in looking to serve Osama bin Laden* with an eviction notice.
– A messenger arrives with a parchment from wife #3 (whats-her-name, you know, the pregnant one?), asking you to pick up some beef jerky on the way home from your most revered Jihad* meeting.
– You curse the sand her ancestors walked upon. It’s blashemy! Obviously she has been poisoned by western culture. (Besides, you already know that Pakistan has closed it’s borders to you. Not that it matters… 160 million Pakistanis, and not one of them owns a “Quicky Mart” or a “7-11”* over here.)
– This is the last straw on the loofah sponge, as you volunteer to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a suicide bomber for Allah. An eternity of paradise will be your reward, as well as twelve virgins, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.
(Translator’s note: This part of the radical mentality of these madmen remain an enigma to our investigators trying to establish a profile. He became a suicide bomber to get away from his six nagging wives, yet he’s now committing himself to spending all eternity with twice the amount of women???? Also, I wasn’t sure of the words originally used for “loofah sponge” and “Turtle Wax”, so I took a guess. Sue me.)
| A N S W E R K E Y
* Propaganda: Fictional or extremely biased and/or exagerrated material designed to piss you off, make you want to join the army and kill people you don’t know. * Farsi: The most widely spoken language in the Middle East. Preferred language of Terrorists. Not all people that speak Farsi are Terrorists or necessarily bad people; in fact, if you are fluent in Farsi, the FBI will immediately hire you (they always have fresh doughnuts and a great 401K plan). However, if they ARE speaking Farsi, and happen to be flailing a box cutter in the air, you probably should kill him, just to be safe. | Go Back Up * Allah is the name Muslims use for “God”. Since Islam, Judaism and Christianity believe there is only one God… it stands to reason we all pray to the same Higher Being. He has many names and is worshipped in many different customs. For example if your name is “John”, in Spain you would be called “Juan”. In France, you would be “Jaques”, and most likely you’re sitting in an outdoor cafe, choking down slimy-ass slugs at $15 a pop… and thinking your dumb French ass is superior to any American, despite all the times we’ve LIBERATED YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASSES THROUGH HALF A GAZILLION ENEMY OCCUPATIONS, YOU COWARDLY MUTHERFUCKERS!!! | Go Back Up * Cous-cous is a Middle Eastern delicacy consisting of some weird-ass round rice with a strange vinegar-like liquid to give a cooling effect. My best guess is it’s lighter fluid. Go figure. | Go Back Up * Effendi: Farsi for “friend”. For the definition of a “monthly friend coming to visit”, we recommend you ask your older sister to explain that phrase. This is a lesson in Terrorism, not Sex Ed, okay? | Go Back Up * Polygamy: Uhm…er… go ask your mom about her, dad and the mailman. It’s a similar concept. | Go Back Up * Al-Qaeda: A bunch of douchebags. That’s all you need to know. | Go Back Up * Al-Qaeda: I just explained this… what the hell is the matter with you???? | Go Back Up * Taliban: Extremist right-wing fruitcakes who opress women, destroy priceless statues, and seem to think they’re still in the 12th Century. This is evident as they refer to the British Monarchy as “King Richard’s Land of Infidels”, listen to The New Kids On The Block, and act like The Crusades happened last week. | Go Back Up * Osama bin Laden: Reeeeal bad guy! The Bogeyman! Eat all your vegetables or Osama bin Laden WILL GET YOU!!!! | Go Back Up * Jihad: “Holy War” or better translated as “When the Israelis or Americans kick our asses up and down the desert, as usual…”. | Go Back Up * 7-11: Tell me you don’t know what a 7-11 is???? You are too stupid to live!!! Sign up and volunteer for the front lines NOW!!! Watch your step through the deeper ends of the gene pool…YOU MAY DROWN!!! | Go Back Up |
Disclaimer: The views expressed herein are solely those of Eric Brooks. They do not necessarily reflect those of his employers, friends, contacts, family, or even his pets (though my cat, Puddy, seems to agree with me on many key issues.). In accordance to my terms of use, you hereby acknowledge my right to psychoanalyze you, practice accupuncture, and mock you incessantly with every visit. As the user, you also acknowledge that the author has been legally declared a "Problem Adult" by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, and is therefore not responsible for any of his actions. ALSO, the political views and products advertised on this site may/may not reflect the views of Puddy or myself, so please don't take them as an endorsement. We just need to eat.
