Category: Humor

Funny stuff. Duh.

Putting the ‘FUN’ back in ‘FUNerals’

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Let me just interject some thoughts before giving Witchy back the stage again (isn’t she a great writer?).

I had to go to a wake yesterday (not the soldier FROM Iraq, this one is a friend’s mother… since it comes in threes, most people at work wouldn’t be surprised if I’m going to be #3, so it all has me thinking about my own mortality, and why I keep seeing the Reaper every time I go to the convenience store for a soda refill & cigarettes.).

So after work, I’m picked up where we immediately drive to California* to the wake.
Continue reading “Putting the ‘FUN’ back in ‘FUNerals’”

Pain is Beauty

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Man, I hate shaving.
People think I use a cheese grater.

What the hell was I thinking back when I was 14?
“OOH! I can’t wait till I’m a grown up and I can grow a beard! Hell, Some Spanish girls on the block already have mustaches… and they’re only 11!”

“I’m gonna lather my face up, I’ll shave… and then splash my face with Aqua Velva and scream like that kid FROM Home Alone*.”

(*Yes. Home Alone came out 10 years later. I’m a prophet and can see the future. Don’t question me.)

Tonight, I decided to take a shortcut… I put Nair on my face. Just the parts around the goatee that I normally slice up and bleed like Charles Manson was my barber.

HOLY FUCKING S#!T MOTHER OF JEBUS!!!!!! I HAVE 15TH DEGREE BURNS!!!!
I turn to the side and I can see parts of my exposed jawbone!

How many of you women come to this site… and NONE of you can warn me that Nair burns like hell???? The smell of burning flesh took me back to when I had my hair permed at 19 (Don’t ask. It was 1984. My friends all had Jhericurls back then, ok?).

UPDATE It’s an hour later… I’m loaded on morphine, and I feel a little better.
Just one question…

How long until I stop looking like I just walked through an Apache line of gay guys bitchslapping me? I can’t go to work like this??!!??

Band Camp

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Not wanting to leave things on a downer like the last post… I present an honest to goodness conversation between me and my nine year old that took place a half an hour ago…

Background: Sammi, like her siblings, has some kind of musical gene in her…. but rather than follow her sisters and sing in Chorus, she’s decided to join the band. Carole picked up her trombone FROM the music store yesterday (A trombone??? Couldn’t save us money and use my Bass guitar? Obviously the schools are no longer interested in teaching kids how to play “Eruption” or “Stairway to Heaven” anymore anyway.).

She starts “Band Camp” tomorrow. As usual, I have no clue.

Me: So what do you do at band camp?
Sammi: We all go to band camp, and bring our instruments and…
Me: …play Kumbaya by the campfire?
Sammi: NOOOOOO! It’s in the auditorium. We…
Me: Isn’t it dangerous to start a fire in the auditorium?
Sammi: DADDY!!! No. We set up our instruments and [Teacher’s name]…
Me: Sets up the tents? Brings Smores? What if a skunk goes INTO your tent?

Sammi: THERE’S NO TENTS! IT’S IN THE AUDITORUM!

Me: Oh man, driving past them is bad enough, but a skunk at close range and INDOORS???…. PHEW!
Sammi: DADDY! LISTEN TO ME! It’s in the auditorium! We set up our instruments and [Teacher’s name] shows us how to take care of them and we learn how to play…
Me: …Kumbaya? It’s only five or six notes. Then she makes Smores?
Sammi: NOOOO! There’s no Smores! I wish…
Me: But you’d get all that marshmallow/chocolate goop in your instruments. Parents will be mad as h…
Sammi: DAAAADDY!!!! LISTEN! She shows us how to play and we go home.
Me: WITH A CAMPFIRE IN THE AUDITORUM??!!? You guys are gonna burn the school down!!!
Sammi: UGGGGH!!!! I’m gonna go talk to Mommy, you’re nuts!

*storms out of the loft and watches Edward Scissorhands with her mother downstairs*

Kids! Yeesh! Do any other parents out there HAVING problems trying to get though to their kids? I never found out what Band Camp is, she wont tell me…. can someone PLEASE EXPLAIN it to me???

I’m concerned now.

Death Threats FROM the Tooth Fairy

Posted on by Eric Brooks

You know… I rocked as the Easter Bunny.

… in in my new role as the Tooth Fairy? I TOTALLY SUCK!!!!
(Though I must say, Pink is definitely my color, but I digress…)

So here’s the deal.
Last night one of the Adorable Ones lost a molar. Couldn’t find the damn thing, so I left $2 (??!!?? wtf… inflation?) anyway.

Naturally, I forget that the “Con Artist” gene is the dominant gene in my family tree… so the little extortionist has decided to pull a fast one on the tooth fairy and put it under her pillow again tonight for a quick profit.

So there goes my last $2 until payday… AND I STILL CAN’T FIND THE DAMN TOOTH AGAIN!!!! Grrrr…. arrrrgh!!??!!

I’m gonna be bankrupt by this little urchin soon.
What do I do… leave a ripped off teddy bear head at the foot of her bed to get the message that the Tooth Fairy is getting ticked off?

At least she hasn’t figured out that corn fools the tooth fairy as well… my mom must have figured I had about 62 teeth in MY mouth.

So… uhm… can anyone loan me $2 bucks for tomorrow night? (sigh).

Sorry, can’t resist

Posted on by Eric Brooks

“One thing is for certain, though, about me, and the world has learned this: When I say something, I mean it. And the credibility of the United States is incredibly important for keeping world peace and freedom.”

– President Bush – 04/13/04

Hoo boy.

  • Trust, Don’t Verify – Bush’s incredible definition of credibility (Slate)
  • Read it already, George (Reverend Mykeru)
  • And for the “Bush inherited the recession” crowd, Blunted on Reality offers rock-solid proof the recession began in March 2001 (A little after Slick Willie’s reign).

It’s not been a good week, has it?
As Robin Williams once said: “Reality, what a concept!”

Personally, I never touch the stuff.

Easter Bunny Dead in Bizzare Hunting Accident

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Photo/Associated Press
By PETER GOESINYA

AP Sportswriter

STONECREST, PA (AP) – Well kids, enjoy that basket you just got and try and make that candy last for a good, long time.

Two hunters, identified only as “Jerry and Bob”, called the Guinness Book of World Records yesterday to let them know that they just “bagged the biggest f**king rabbit we’ve ever seen”.

The Guinness people realized immediately what happened and notified the police.

The victim was identified as Peter J. Cottontail (672 C.E. – 2004 C.E.), a large supernatural rabbit/human hybrid known and loved by children the world over as “The Easter Bunny”. Cottontail was pronounced dead on the scene FROM shotgun wounds to his chest and abdomen.

Police have held the two hunters on charges of man(-rabbit hybrid)slaughter, hunting without a license, hunting out of season, criminal tresspassing, and “typical redneck stupidity”.

Police report that these two men were arrested back in January, 2000, when they locked their friend up in a Y2K Shelter for nearly two weeks and led him to believe the world was destroyed.

Charges were never filed when it was discovered by a court-appointed psychiatrist that the men had an I.Q. of 85…

…combined.

Drinking the Kool-Aid™

Posted on by Eric Brooks

For those that don’t quite get the reference (but are afraid to ask), it’s basically the new catch phrase being tossed around on all sides of the political spectrum.

It’s in reference to the 1978 mass suicides in Jonestown, Guyana by the cult of Reverend Jim Jones. They believed his every word, they slaughtered a Congressman and his entourage, and they drank cyanide-laced kool-aid… because Rev. Jim said so.

Whatta RUSH™ flavored... mmmm!To make this new phrase easier for Americans to understand, Kool-Aid™ has a new line of flavors…

So when you’re a lefty buying in to all of the silly 9/11 conspiracy theories because no one in the White House is talking… you’re “drinking the Kool-Aid™“

If you’re a winger following this administration without question because at least no one is getting nookie in the Oval Office and lying under oath about it… you’re “drinking the Kool-Aid™“

(via Blunted on Reality)
Me? I drink Coca Cola exclusively.
How about you?

Happy New Year!!! (Screw you 2003… I’m going home!)

Posted on by Eric Brooks
HOLY SHIT!!!
NO SMOKING!
FOX News would like to remind visitors to NYC that there is a smoking ban in effect, except on designated street corners.
When Mayor Bloomberg says “No smoking on the streets”… HE MEANS IT!!!

“In other news, pop superstar Michael Jackson again finds himself in legal trouble when authorities in Santa Barbara ORDER him fingerprinted and booked on charges of ‘extreme creepiness, even for California.’

Jackson’s attorney expresses outrage, telling a press conference that his client ‘doesn’t even HAVE fingerprints.’…”

Dave Barry’s 2003 Year in review
… end this joke of a year with a laugh, I say.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Added 01/01/04 – Or you can travel back to a simpler time, four years ago, when redneck survivalists were at the bottom of the Y2K food chain.

Y2K Mike: The first great practical joke of the 21st Century.. An EricBrooks.Com® classic!

Some parental notes about tonight’s school performance

Posted on by Eric Brooks

1. Lady in the row in front of us: No offense, but HOLY SHIT you have the ugliest friggin’ kid I’ve ever seen IN MY LIFE! I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be cruel… but damn! All I wanted to do was toss him a banana and see if this infant can peel it with his feet.

2. Music teachers: Please understand that I have the world of respect for teachers. Especially music teachers. I have no patience. Any one I tried to teach guitar, it usually ends in 15 minutes, as they form a “C” chord wrong and the screaming begins, followed by six weeks of therapy for the poor kid.
Continue reading “Some parental notes about tonight’s school performance”

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