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Ahoy! Stupidity abounds in Capitol Hill and the blogosphere. Let’s watch!
(Does this sound like anyone you know? I can think of at least five people off the top of my head….)
Idiot: “Dammit to hell, this ‘Freedom of Speech’ stuff is bullshit. We don’t have it!”
Me: “Sure we do.”
Idiot: “Everytime I open my mouth, someone attacks me in my comments.”
Me: “Well, they have freedom of speech too, remember?”
Idiot: “It’s not RIGHT!!!!”
Me: “Yeah, that “freedom” stuff is a bitch, ain’t it?”
Continue reading “The First Amendment for dummies.”
All right. It’s official.
The War on Terrorism has gone too far.
A passenger who spent a long time in an airplane toilet Wednesday prompted a security alert and full search of the Lufthansa plane, the airline said.
(Link Via Dr. D)
So now being on the potty too long makes you a terrorist suspect?
What a crock of shit!
Ok. I understand that a large percentage of the people reading this are female, and you might not get the GLOBAL SIGNIFICANCE of this event. (Or you don’t give a crap.)
A man’s potty time is sacred.
It is a time where he gets to sit down, read, and quietly become one with his thoughts. It is a time for somber reflection.
It is our GOD GIVEN RIGHT!
It’s in the, er, Constitution. I’m pretty sure of that.
And now some paranoid fruitcakes are trying to take that away from us just for the sake of global security????
Take too long, open the door, to be greeted with an automatic weapon in your face???? Thrown against a wall, and searched (the article didn’t specify a “full cavity search”)????
What’s next? Make us piss sitting down, so we’re less threatening if they barge in?
I SAY THEE NAY!!!!!
I draw the line at this latest attempts to , uhm, flush our… rights down… (well you get the idea.)
People of the world need to relax.
Nowhere, in our human history, has a terrorist successfully shit out a grenade, an AK-47, or a Laws Rocket Launcher.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to poop out a weapon of MASS-DESTRUCTION.
(Well, that can be debated if they don’t close the door quick enough.)
And if they could… the one handling the weapon would bring the word “Holy Martyr” to a whole new level.
While I of course, have very stong feelings on this issue, I, of course will not lead a protest or anything (who the hell wants to be remembered for fighting for “Potty Rights”?)… so I have offered the following suggestion(s):
New suggested procedure for Airlines and law enforcement officials:
1. *knock on door*
2. Flight Attendant: “Is everything alright sir?”
3. Possible responses:
Only *ONE* of those responses would warrant the proper authorities (one may warrant the papparazzi… buuut…). If you don’t know which response that would be, you have no business being in your chosen field.
Men of the world will *NOT* stand, er, sit, er STAND FOR THIS INFRINGEMENT ON OUR RIGHTS!
Fuck it, you get the point.
You can see why public speaking on this issue will only give the crowd the giggles. Maybe go after those *running* for office?
Well, it’s official… Skarlet is my first official ping for her “Weird Phone calls“.
Only three people in the entire country *DIDN’T* know yesterday was a National Holiday…
…and they *ALL* seemed to find her.
I do believe today’s message came darn close though. It was anonymous left to our editor, which I had to hear in case the story ran on the web. It involves the closing of a chain of stores and the photo had an employee crying at the prospect of losing her job:
The phone call:
“I can’t believe you put a BLACK WOMAN on your front page!!! I swear to God, I’ll never buy your paper again if you don’t remember that WHITE PEOPLE come first…. those goddamn Blacks are ruinin’ everything here!!!”
Of course my only response was “well, a ‘heil hitler’ to you too, sir!”, followed by much laughter and jokes involving generations of inbreeding by our staff.
We will miss his patronage… as well as “Mr. Bunker’s” wit and wisdom.
Aw hell, we were also called “Socialists” in the “Letters to the Editors” page today, because we all think Ashcroft is a totalitarian asswipe (my words, not the papers. I’m paraphrasing.)
The phone call was anonymous, of course.
And if it makes a difference to anyone out there, the woman was Puerto Rican, not Black. I know her.
Welcome to 1950’s Mississippi.
*pops alka seltzer, yet still can’t control the giggling over stoopidity*
(Transmitted from the near future – 2068 AD)
My loyal subjects…
From this day forth, you are hereby ORDERED to ignore the dangerous rantings of the one known as Ezrael. He has been deemed a threat to our society, and his words dare to challenge our way of life here in our dark realm.
Surely you remember him as the mortal prophet known as Matt Rossi. Six decades ago, he had written a rant entitled: America, you will be rounded up and shot. You wisely ignored his words back then.
Your broken and terrified people gladly surrendered your useless freedoms in exchange for a government given carte blanche to overrun the world as they saw fit. They played on your fears and issued the false promise that you would one day have those so-called “freedoms” back…
MORTAL FOOLS!!!!
That is the time I, and my hellish demonic army of trolls, began to plan our conquering of your world…
World War Three, and the devastation that followed, was a great source of amusement to us. You thought you knew suffering then… you knew nothing!!! We threw your entire world in chains after that… and now you finally know happiness.
Because we have told you it is so.
What good has ever come out of liberty anyway? Various global changes like your American Revolution? The end of Apartheid in South Africa? The end of a divided Germany where an attempt to cross a wall meant death at the hands of your captors? What manner of foolishness is this anyway? You gave it all up when you surrendered to your fears. Now you are safely wrapped in my iron fist… where none dare to challenge me.
You brought this on to yourselves, foolish mortals…
Ignore the foolish rantings of the false prophet Ezrael…
Our plans have already been set to motion…
There is no hope.
There is no future.
There is only the glory of Anarchtica.
Your Supreme Ruler.
A S T A R O T H
oh. my. God.
(Don’t click that link if you have a weak stomach.)
“Holding her captive, Iqbal accused Parveen of having an affair. Parveen insisted that she had never been unfaithful to him, but Iqbal didn’t listen. Instead, he gagged her, bound her feet and hands and hung her upside down from the ceiling. As he beat her with a wooden ax handle, blood began to drip from her arms and legs….”
“Then Iqbal, a barber by profession, traded his ax for a razor. He cut off the lower lobes of her ears, then sliced her nose at the base. ‘He next used a metal rod to poke out my eyes,’ she continues, ‘and then put his finger inside each socket to make sure nothing was left.’… “
She had her eyes gouged out, the base of her nose and her earlobes cut off… all because her husband accused her of having an affair, to which he did he never provided a shred of evidence.
It’s called “Honor Killings” or “Honor Violence”. An all too common practice in places like Pakistan. It mainly goes unreported, and the offenders are rarely punished.
In the case of what Mehmood Iqbal did to his wife, he was given 14 years… which is considered a “life sentence”. Amnesty International was surprised he was even convicted.
“Though Parveen [the wife who was mutilated] rarely ventured outside, when she did, she often overheard people wondering aloud what she had done to deserve the way she looked.”
As always, it’s “what did the victim do to deserve this”… right?
Somebody tell me what century are we living in again?
(Via Rachel Lucas)
The following has been forwarded to me to post by the President of the United Planet of America (since more people come here than the White House site, and he can deny this in case WWIII breaks out.)
DEAR EURO-PEE-ONS:
Yes, that’s right celebrate and laugh it up over the World Cup. Fact of the matter is… GOOD Americans really don’t give a furry rat’s ass about SOCCA.
You see, we have our own version of “FUTBOL”, and I doubt highly that your little German pansies would care to prance around the gridiron up against our N.Y. Giants, Dallas Cowboys, or San Francisco 49’ers… would they? WOULD THEY???? Mah daddy shot down a whole buncha you little Zero* Krauts back in the Big One, and if our boys were allowed to use nukes in this game… tha score woulda been just a little different, that’s all I’m sayin’.
WHOOOOO DOGGIE!
-w-
*(Editor’s Notes: “Zeroes” were *Japanese* planes, not German…. SHHHH!)
Sometime last night, Web Designer Dino Ignacio pulled the plug on his long-running internet-cult-classic “Bert is Evil” site. It was his own personal decision. No “cease & desists” or threats involved.
Seeing his work on a pro-Taliban protest was apparently too much for him. The Children’s Television Workshop, is also panicking at the site of one of their creations, broadcast around the world next to the most dangerous man alive.
I think these people need to reach deep down inside, and see the hilarious irony of it all… Osama’s own supporters made an ASSHOLE out of him. And Bert helped. Whether it was our Special Forces slipping it into the printing plates, or the “official story” of an honest mistake by the printer… it was effective and humiliating nonetheless.
The story below about “Sesame Street being bombed” was a fabrication. Elmo, Big Bird, Zoe and the gang are all alive & well. It was propaganda. I took that day’s events, like any good American, and rolled with it…..
<The sound of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” blaring in the background>
I want the memory of that protest in Bangladesh embedded in the world’s mind forever. The world needs to talk about it, and laugh at Ass-ama forever. Let the world know that The Taliban and Al-Qaeda’s contempt for our culture will be the means to their demise… you were humiliated by a muppet, Assama!
Thank you to…
 |
| Bush Addresses the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the latest assault against Evil Muppet Bert. (Shown here in a photo with Osama bin Laden in 1998)
Photo: Associated Press |
WASHINGTON (AP) – In his vow to to “rid the world of evildoers, and punish those that harbor them”. President Bush signed an executive order to launch a surprise air attack on Sesame Street this morning.
The attack was launched in retaliation against Bert, a muppet with ties to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network, several mob organizations, and feared thoughout the underworld as “That scary little furry guy”. The death toll is mounting of up to 150 muppets and rising. The toll may be higher, as correspondents are seeing fur, felt, and stuffing all in the ruins.
“But why attack all of us???”, cried a resident, who only wanted to be referred to as “Gina”, “we’re as terrified of Bert as the rest of the world… we’ve done nothing wrong”.
 |
| Chilling evidence of Bert’s involvement in the latest terrorism attacks. In a rally in Bangladesh, 9/10/01, Bert is seen in a supportive poster.
Photo: Reuters |
The main target was Mr. Hooper’s store, now in ruins. It was a suspected front for Bert’s operations.
President Bush addressed the Joint Chiefs of Staff this morning, and was quoted in saying: “Make no mistake, this nation will not rest until this furry little bastard is turned into someone’s oven mitt….”
There is no evidence of whether Bert survived the attack. Or was anywhere NEAR Sesame Street at the time.
The President will address the Nation tonight at 9:30 PM (That’s when the little hand is on the 9, and the big hand is on the 6). To discuss this latest operation, entitled OPERATION: Nail the GODDAMN Sock Puppet.
Brought to you by the Letter “S”.
For “SPECIAL FORCES (Psychological Operations)”
and “SUCK MY DICK, OSAMA!”
Seriously. It’s part of the healing process.
You’d have to understand my origins to understand me. I’m from Brooklyn… we are world-renowned for our sick humor at the darkest times.
Growing up in dilapidated house, no male role models to fix things as they broke… (My friends have been calling the house “1313 Mockingbird Lane” since Junior High School). You had to laugh at it. When I built a recording studio in my basement, to watch the toughest “gangstas” in Brooklyn haul ass, as sewer rats the size of chihuauhas came out to hear their lyrics…
That was funny as hell!
There were a lot of hard times there, it was overcrowded, it was hostile and dangerous to be a white person in that neighborhood after a while…
Humor got us through.
Early attempts to make us laugh after the tragedy was pretty bad. Poking fun at the WTC is like making fun of a rape victim (which is never funny, and when you think about it… that’s what happened to America on 9/11).
However…
Uhm… that would be total domination and worship of the “A-List”, wasn’t it?
Matt, boobalah, do you realize what a juggernaut you have created?
It’s valuable property… and if you play your cards right (ie: stop complaining about what a hassle it is to maintain.) You can make a small fortune selling it off with all your hard work and brilliant coding.
Me? I’m all for the worship of the A-List…
why?
Because there is a new “A-List”. Run by the Axis of Jon Sullivan and Matthew Rossi (as confirmed here…).
We MUST worship them! Compelling content and good discussion is what the people want… Besides, I know these guys. If I suck up to them enough,
***I can become an “A-Lister”.*** :0)
Well, maybe…
Tomorrow I face a judge on various charges for what happened over the summer… you all know what happened after that, and obviously this “Police State” isn’t done punishing us.
For what? For being stranded, and doing the best you can to stay afloat.
Will I do jail time? Will I face a stiff fine? Or will this Magistrate decide we’ve been punished enough?
Sentencing is tomorrow morning in Dingman’s Ferry if you all have nothing better to do.
I’m sure the same people who had a field day cracking “Trailer Jokes” as the Sheriffs locked us out of our home last February are going to have a field day with this one…
Oh well, at least they’ll be laughing again. Laughter is good.
Please be careful tomorrow, y’all…..
It’ll be here at SoApBoX, and then eventually be moved to its new home at Remember 9-11.
It may or may not feature a chilling, non-fictional chapter called “My name is Maria“, about a woman who graphically describes buried alive.
I’m still mulling over this, as I feel there were plenty of powerful true stories out there. Last week, it *definitely* would have been in bad taste…. however, there’s plenty of legend and folklore circulating around this tragedy already (Satan’s Face, Nostradamus, the cop surfing down, the firemen in the SUV)… and I feel there will be more as the years roll by. If I include it… there will be a stern ***READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*** warning on it, I promise.
One of the people who told me their tale also has up-close and gruesome photos of the carnage at Ground Zero. I’m not sure how many I would be comfortable posting… but I do want America to remember what happened to us, and I want us to stay angry and supportive of military action.
Crucial Reads for America:
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